Author: angelface_devilsoul

 

Review:

 

Title: It's good, it interests me to read on. In fact, when I first saw the title I was thinking about the plot already! (5/5m)

 

Description & Foreword: It's very well-written. I particularly like the first line of the description, it captures my attention to actually read in to find out more. However, I think your description is kinda short as compared to your foreword. Maybe you can describe more so as to make it better and elaborate more? All in all, it's very well-written still.  (9/10m)

 

Plot: The plot was normal unfortunately. You had a great start in your description and title, but the plot kinda drags it down. It was just like a normal story I read on AFF before. You could spice things up a little bit more, make it more special, make your story more stand out so that it's worth the read. In the first chapter, you did mention how the accident affected Eun Mi, but it's not enough. You said that she 'died', but in what way? Explain more, in fact, in my opinion I can spend up to 2 chapters talking about how she changes, maybe you can also include how her friends or people around her reacting to her change etc. Give more details, because when you describe how she changes, it's barely half a chapter. Flashback (Chapter 4) - it can be longer. 

 

Also, the setting of the story is at a Korean high school right? It doesn't make sense if its a Korean high school. Because for Korean high school, the students don't move from a class to a class. It's more of the students staying in a classroom and the teachers move. So it doesn't make sense if Lay had a few different classes from Eun Mi. Also, the teachers are all American teachers. Don't you think it's weird? Physics - Mr Robertson? If its a Korean high school it should be Mr Park or something Korean. Your whole school thing make it seem like an American high school.

 

Please try to make sense out of your story, because there's a major plot error I see in the story. The plot is already cliche, so it doesn't do you justice if there's a major plot error. Try to research on some stuff you aren't sure, maybe like how an American high school works vs Korean high school. It will do you some good. Even I have to research about some stuff before I write so that I won't make a huge factual error. (10.5/30m)

 

Description & Clarity: I realized you like to stick with just a few sentence structures. For example you always start with 'I' or 'There' or 'It'. You can try to vary your sentence structures to make your story more interesting and fun to read. Don't force it though, sometimes incorrect sentence structures leads to a serious grammar mistake. Your descriptions are good, and since there's always room for improvement, I suggest you can spend a little more time trying to develop the feelings the characters feel, the actions and whatnot. Just try to lengthen your story because each chapter is quite short.

 

In addition, for chapter 5 (Taste in music), you wrote : 'heard of all the horrible and awful things I had said'. But in my opinion, what she said in chapter 4 isn't that horrible and awful. But well if you think that it's horrible and awful then it's okay, because different people would have different viewpoints on certain words or things. Maybe you can just simply say 'heard of all the things I had said that wasn't mean for him to hear'. 

 

However, what makes me add some points to this category was the way you expressed the feelings Eun Mi felt. It's awesome and I particularly like the chapter on Macbeth. (19/30m)

 

Grammar/Spelling errors: You have a major punctuation mistake in your story. It's quite disturbing - I am not sure if you read other stories and notice the difference between your dialogues and the other stories'. 

 

Example: "Hello, I'm Lay.", he said as he slid into the seat next to mine. By right it should be "Hello, I'm Lay," he said as he slid into the seat next to mine. Do remember, dialogues never ends with a full stop at the end of the sentence. It's either a comma, question mark or exclamation mark. 

 

In chapter 12, it's 'excuse me' and not 'excuse you'. 

 

In chapter 16 - 'I squint at the red glowing numbers...' it should be 'I squinted at the red glowing numbers...'. If your whole story is in past tense throughout then you have to take note of all these small little mistakes you have. Only in dialogues then you can use any tenses you want, depending on the context. 

 

In the chapter Macbeth, Macbeth is a play, not a drama.

 

In chapter 23, 'it was never my intension to hurt you' - it should be 'intention'.

 

In chapter 24, 'but I can't help but' - you can just simply write 'I can't help but', it's very weird to have two 'but's in a sentence. 

 

There are many more minor mistakes but usually I would just ignore it unless I think it is quite obvious. But since you had already said that English wasn't your first language, I guess it would be very mean of me to actually deduct a lot of points from the category. (12/20m)

 

Others: Love the poster :) I like the development of Eun Mi's and Lay's relationship, with Hana coming into the story and Tae Hee also. Everything fits together and it kept me reading on because I had lots of questions that only reading on would answer it. (4.5/5m) 

 

Total: 59/100m

 

Reviewer's note: Hey! Sorry for the late review, was overwhelmed by my school homework and other commitments! Also your story has lots of chapters (it's not an excuse btw ><) so I took a longer time to read it and make sure I give you the best review I can give for your story. Thanks for waiting and please credit the corner at your foreword~ ^^ Thanks and please request again when you have new fics~