Author: missinfinity

 

Title: Good choice of title, very relevant to the story. However, it wasn't that unique to attract the readers to read your story. (4/5m)

 

Description & Foreword: Your description is wonderful. Everything is laid out nicely for the reader to read, really clear. However, I realized that you haven't had anything for your foreword. Since your description is quite long, maybe you can put the author's note under foreword? Overall I still think your description is very good, due to the colors used and the graphics. (9/10m)

 

Plot: Your plot takes on an interesting start. A prologue. Up till now I haven't seen anyone writing a prologue in aff. It might be because I haven't been reading a lot, but a very interesting way to start your story. After reading your prologue I was very much intrigued to read on. You can improve your prologue more, make it more interesting though, if you can. 

 

Your plot is quite draggy at first, talking about party and how LiAn doesn't want it and how her father wants her to be a celebrity. I prefer it if you cut it short and go straight to the point. Also, I find it quite cliché, something I can easily find on aff. Maybe you might want to try to spice up your story so that you can make it more unique. (20/30m)

 

Description & Clarity: Your descriptions are fine. I can understand what you were trying to get across but I find the story too draggy. I find that some of your descriptions are redundant, so you may remove it if you think it's necessary. You didn't really describe much about how LiAn feels so maybe you can work on that. (24/30m)

 

Grammar & Spelling: 

 

Day-1 : 'Oh, no. I almost forgot. Of course, it's no other than my spotlight-maniac and annoyingly vain father. She always...' - Erm you meant 'He always...' right? Check your work at least twice to make sure you don't make such mistakes. Sometimes I do too. Also, it should be 'Of course, it's none other than' instead.

 

'I immediately turn my tracks my father's office.' - 'I immediately turn my tracks to my father's office.' Again, check your work.

 

There are quite a number of typos, so I won't be listing all of them down here but I hope you can re-read your story to correct them when you are free.

 

"Oh gosh, celeb-wannabes could kill just to be on your shoes." - "Oh gosh, celeb-wannabes would kill just to be in your shoes." 

 

"When I was in my early grade school, I once made her answer my autograph book." - Could you clarify what do you mean here? I don't really understand it. 

 

All these mistakes are just a few I spotted in your second chapter. Hence, my advice is to go re-read your story. There isn't any major problem in your grammar but do take note of the small details too. (13/20m)

 

Others: I feel that there's too much words in your graphics, I understand that it's like a movie poster but hm you can shorten the words at the bottom. In addition the font is very difficult for me to read. Other than that, in overall I think you did a good job in writing the story. (3/5m)

 

Total: 73/100m