The day of mourning has yet to end; the tragic accident is still fresh to Myungsoo’s mind as so does to most of his friends. He truly loves her, something he has yet to say. Losing her was the last thing he ever expected. It comes to sudden that it shocked him that his world crumbles down in one single twist.

His black circles are clear; his reddish eyes are invisible to the eye. He has been crying, for nights or even days. He was having a hard time, moving on, after the girl he loves. He didn’t attend her funeral a few days ago; he was unable to let her go. For the first time in his life, he cried over a girl. His heart ache so much that he wonders if he could lives bearing with it.

“Excuse me; are you Kim Myungsoo-ssi?” A woman, approximately three year older than he is, interrupted his thoughts.

“Ye- Yes.” He hesitated, the looks of the woman is rather familiar.

“I’m Yoo In Na, Jieun’s elder sister.” She introduced herself.

Myungsoo was stunned to meet Jieun’s sister. He soon realizes, that his woman, too, has been crying for days over her sister sudden death. She put on a light make-up, to hide her terrible look. The dark circles are faintly invisible thanks to her foundation and her purple lip turned red thanks to the red lipstick she used. Things must have been tough for her.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Kim Myungsoo. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I see, you have been mourning.”

“Yes.”

“Do you have some times? I’m going to show you something.”

“I have about an hour before my cram school starts.”

“Exactly as how she described you: smart and polite, kind and handsome. Thank God she fell for someone like you.” She murmurs, clear enough to be heard.

It was a 15 minutes’ walk from the school, before arriving at a simple house downtown. It was rather cozy house, a nice placed to stay. The woman brought him to her house, where Jieun and her elder sister used to live, before Jieun passed away and she decided to move somewhere else. It’s going to be easier to move on; clinging to this house will only bring back memories.

His heart was aching, he could feel it that he needs to tightly gripped on his chest, clenching his fist. He slowly entered her house and the woman lead him to Jieun’s room. She clicked the door open; it was a rather small room but a cozy one. Jieun’s scent radiates from her room, it was filled with her aura, with the tingling feeling she always creates.

It hasn’t been touched at all. It was clean, just like how she is. The woman asked him to enter and with much hesitation, he decided to come inside and look around. He misses her; he misses her, her scent, her aura, her presence. Inside her room, it feels like a dream, it’s like she’s still alive. Dear God, he wanted to be naïve and run away from reality, believing that she’s alive.

“Look around, dear. I think she would be happy if you do so.”

“Do you think its okay?”

She nodded, “that day, she was actually feeling unwell. She keeps spacing out, she keeps thinking about you. She feels uncomfortable; she keeps getting goose bumps and bad feelings. I told her everything is going to be all right, I never thought….” She inhales deeply, before excusing herself and bursts to tears.

“Looked around and take your time, I’m going to wait outside.”

Myungsoo inhales deep, filling his lungs with her scent. Its peach, it didn’t changes at all. His trembling fingers reach up to the stacks of book, arranged neatly. The books she loved to read, he wishes he could shares the same interest with her. He soon walked, rubbing the desk carefully to feel her presence, and laid on her bed to feel her warmth. It feels like she’s there, watching over him, being together with him.

His shaky steps reach out to her closet. He saw it all, her clothes, which she looks splendid on. He misses her figure, he misses her. But what interest him the most was a box, consisted of her belongings, her favorite pink pen, her diaries, and notes. And also… a letter, with his name written on it.

Kim Myungsoo

He was trying to be strong, trying hard not to cry. His tears have turned visible, threatening to fall, as his eyes turned teary. His trembling hand bends down to take the letter before opening it carefully. His grip was shaking, as he started to read the first line. She wrote it herself, handwritten, showing how sincere she is.

People said once one fell in love, they tend to change. Their face get brighter, filled with excitement and happiness. It is said that they will look forward to each and every day, finding the new definition of ‘life’. They will look rather insane, smiling all day with their head up in the clouds. It made me wonder, how good does it feel to fall in love?

However, most stated the opposite. They said hearts would start to ache painfully rather than feeling that well-known ba-thump ba-thump heartbeat. They said hearts only beat fast because love is simply too painful. They said those blissful day will come to an end, turning a disaster in. They said, love will left us waiting, waiting for hopeless things to come until it eats us to the core. They said those happiness are simply nonsense, and in the end of the day, nothing but pain will be the only thing left. They said love is nothing but pain, a nonsense created by those who found true love to fool those who love doesn’t even bother to conquer.

Good and nice woman will changes, turning into a bad person because of love. It is said love is another word for bad luck. But some harshly object it, saying love is a blessing. Some even said, bad woman will changes to a sweet and kind one, once they find their loved one. But… is it real? Because I have no clue at all, I’m hopeless when it comes to love.

It left me wondering around, those contradiction, that I keep asking to myself and also to the world questions. How does love feel like? Is it painful? Or is it nice? But it only has given me much more anxiety, I was uncertain to love. Therefore, I decided not to believe in them, to avoid them as much as I could. Therefore, I don’t want to love, I have given up on it, even before I manage to experience them. I no longer believe in love.

It left me wondering, how people could stay in love for such a long time. My parents are those I envied the most, they’re together even in their death. I wonder how they fell in love. I wonder if they could answer my question, what love is. I’m searching for answer, answer I will never find. Or answer that I have failed to find.

I used to think, love is something I won’t need. I used to think in the future, I won’t get married, I will lives alone. I used to think love is fake. I used to think there’s no such thing as true love and falling in love is simply a lust- created by a hopeless human desire. But it all changes, on a bright autumn day.

I was frozen, stunned, when I first looked at you. I wasn’t able to move, when my eyes met your figure. You didn’t even bother to look at me and I was too shy to approach you. I was watching you from a far, do you even notice? I wonder if you ever look at me. I wonder if you ever felt my presence. I wonder if you know me. That day, I told myself, I asked myself, if I’m in love.

I admire you a lot, although I’m unable to convey it to you. I like you a lot, that I keep stealing glances at you. I care about you, that I keep worrying over you. I think about you a lot, that I keep wondering about you. I like you a lot, truly. However, the uncertainty about love was the thing that keeps me off the track, to love carefully, and to hide all the feelings.

You never look at me at all, much to my disappointment. Do you know how much I wish for you to look at me? You left me gazing hopelessly at you, wishing upon a star, wishing for you to look at me. I beg to God, for you to look at me for once, yet until today I bet you have noticed me before. You never looked at me. I wonder if you truly feel the same about me.

I was shocked when the news about you having a girlfriend spread. That day, I was broken hearted. It was the first time; I ever felt a knife stabbing my chest. It was the first time, my heart suddenly ache so hard. It was the first time; my eyes get teary over a man. It was too sudden, that I, myself, get confused. I keep holding it hard, clenching my hard. It was the day I know what jealousy feels like.

Gazes that never met mine met hers. Touch that never reach me, reaches her. Smile that never mean for me, meant for her. Do you know how much I envy her? Do you know how much I wanted to be her? I wonder if I’m that much lacking. I wonder why I can’t be yours. I wonder why love seems to be very painful. Do you know how badly I want you to be mine?

I have turned selfish, I know. How could someone like me, wanted someone like you all to myself? I may have gone out of my mine, simply by falling in love with you. I don’t have the looks, I don’t have the hearts, and I don’t have the perfection. I’m nothing but something incompatible to be with you. I should have realizes it sooner, reflecting this childish-overwhelming selfish emotions upon myself.

And do you know I cried the whole night because of it? I burst to tears, the day you decided to have a relationship with someone else other than me. But at the same time, I was relieved. I was relieved that by having someone by your side, I’m keeping these wishes low. At least I won’t be having my hopes high and ended up falling harsher. At least… at least… at least.

Do you know? I hated you so much. I hated you for bringing pain upon me, for making me suffer each and every day. I hated you so much but I can’t bring myself to hate you. Do you know how much I wanted to kill you? You make me suffer, suffers too much that I have come to hate you. Hate is the only thing you deserved. I hate you! I hate you! I keep telling myself lies.

I worked hard each valentine, making hand-made cookies for you, only to lose courage in the end. And now, when I realize its love, I was too late. You have become a playboy, who played around with girls hearts, twirled their hairs, and broke them apart. Because of it, my anxiety comes to life, as I hesitated to admit love once more. And those feelings are things I failed to convey to you.

I Love you and because of it, I hate you.

I wanted you to know how much I love you, although I will never be able to convey it. We are world apart, ages apart, and fate has separated us. Hey you, whom I love too much, I wanted you to know I Love You. Yes, I love you, knowing it’s hopeless. Each time I tried to stop, the feelings get stronger. So yes, I only wanted to say I love you. I know you are not in love with me, you don’t even know me to begin with, but I love you.

Although I hated you, I wanted to thank you. Thanks to you, I found a new beginning. Thanks to you, I know what love does feel like, although it suffocates me. Thanks to you, I get to know jealousy. Thanks to you, I realizes about many things. Thanks to you, I learn new things about life. Thanks for making me feel this way, thank you for letting me fall in love with you. Thank you for making me jealous, thank you for letting me loving you.

We can never be together; I was having a hard time admitting it. I’m still having a hard time, accepting the reality that we can’t be together. There are times when my legs tremble because of this love that I badly wanted to run away from reality. Those days of waiting, those painful days of tears, I will put an end to all of this. So you can fly, freely fly without thinking of me, without the guilty pleasure, without the burden. I will let you fly; I won’t trap you inside this one-sided love any longer.

Love conquers some but not all.

I guess, we are not lucky enough, are we?

Kim Myungsoo, I love you, with all my heart. It’s the only thing I have ever wished to say.

I love you.

Goodbye.

And in the end, he bursts to tears. He love her too, why haven’t he said it sooner?