Part Three - Roses have wilted, Violets are dead

[Two weeks after Myungsoo’s death]

After what had seemed like another century to Sungyeol, his phone rang again telling him he should get up. The boy reluctantly hit the thing, shutting it up. Another night was gone. Another night full of staring into a wall or ceiling thinking about nothing was gone. Sleep wasn’t coming for him even when he tried to lure it with alcohol and pills. It wouldn’t come even if he cried his eyes out, even if he threw a tantrum. Even if he begged, sleep wouldn’t come and take him away.

Being half-conscious was the only thing he could call sleep in his condition. Whenever he was finally about to slip into lala land, his feet just wouldn’t tear apart from reality and keep him partly conscious. Surviving like that, Sungyeol barely had the strength to move around, but he did.

Even though it might not seem like it, Sungyeol did leave his house every day, about an hour after his alarm went off. Because of his closed curtains, he didn’t even know and care when it was day and when night. Hence the alarm. Every day, once he returned from his ‘outing’, he would lock himself up again, waiting for another day to come.

He didn’t even count days anymore. Every minute felt like an hour, every hour like a year, every day like a decade, every night like a century. All the time, Myungsoo wouldn’t leave his mind. He could see his smile everywhere. He could hear his laughter. He could hear him whispering apologies and confessions of love.

And if going insane meant that he'd see the younger again, then Sungyeol certainly wouldn’t mind being crazy.

He felt disgusted by his own life as there was this little voice inside his head saying that Myungsoo is gone because of him. Saying that fault stood on his side again. Every single day, he tried to escape. He tried to take his life away just like his beloved did. He tried. And failed every time. Even though he wanted to go, there still was one thing that kept him away from it. And that was the desire to know the real story hiding behind everything.

Just like every other day since that fateful night, the boy was dressed up within few seconds, ready to go out. Checking his neat suit for the last time in the mirror, he fixed his shirt underneath the jacket and headed out.

He still remembered that night, even though he’d rather sell his soul to satan than remembering that. Only Woohyun came when he called them that night since Sunggyu apparently was too tired and didn’t even wake up when his phone rang. Sungyeol was grateful to have Woohyun there since he himself wouldn’t be able to handle everything. Needless to say that Woohyun shed his share of tears also once he arrived to the scene.

Sungyeol hadn’t talked with Sunggyu at all. He expected Woohyun to tell him about everything and he could clearly imagine how Sunggyu broke down after hearing that his brother killed himself. But at least he had Woohyun there to comfort him and to tell him that everything will be alright. Sungyeol had no one. He went through the nightmare alone.

Despite the sun that hit his face the moment he stepped out of his house, he didn’t feel the warmth. Despite the freezing wind that was pinching his cheeks harshly, he didn’t feel anything. Almost hesitantly he went down the street; the exact same street he ran down when he was late for his date with Myungsoo. And memories started to come. Just like every other day since that night.

“It better be something important. I was busy, you know?” Sungyeol pouted jokingly, staring at his best friend, full of anticipation. In all honesty, he wasn’t busy at all, he was just playing it cool. Besides that, Myungsoo really did look nervous that evening.

“S-sorry…” the boy apologized, not daring to look the other in the eye. He’d been wanting to confess to Sungyeol for few weeks already and when he'd finally kicked himself to do it, he felt like backing off again. But then again, if it was to work, he wouldn’t have to plan everything all over again. Yeah, he couldn’t back up.

“So? What’s up?” Sungyeol asked.

Myungsoo’s mouth opened as he finally wanted to confess but his voice got somehow stuck in his throat and no words came out. Panic overtook his features as his eyes widened. Somehow, Sungyeol found that very amusing.

“Forgot how to talk?” he chuckled, abruptly standing up. “It’s okay, Myung. You can tell me next time.” he added and was about to go.

Myungsoo however wasn’t really determined to let the choding go just like that, therefore he stood up as well, grabbing his wrist and pulling back. What happened then however was clearly something he did not expect. Sungyeol had long legs and being the clumsy creature he was, he tripped over his own feet as Myungsoo pulled him back.

They ended up on the floor of Myungsoo’s room, Sungyeol on top of Myungsoo, lips locked.

After all, Myungsoo’s confession didn’t need words.

Recalling that, Sungyeol didn’t smile nor cry. He kept on walking, facial expression unchanged. Passing by families with grinning children and happy couples in love, he couldn’t help but feel envious. They were happy. Nothing in their life was missing. They had bright future ahead.

Sungyeol had nothing ahead. He had no one to tell him everything was going to be okay, no one to give him good night kiss, no one to have future with. Not even that thought sent tears to his eyes. He even thought nothing could make him cry anymore. He had no tears left after he shed them for the one and only person who deserved them.

I want to forget, but most times I don’t.

I want to let go, but I know that I won’t.

Soon he arrived to the place he was aiming for. He pushed the door open, spotting a familiar face few feet ahead of him him. Just like the previous day and the day before, he was sure that the nice girl behind the counter at the florist’s was awaiting him. 

He just nodded at her as soon as she noticed him and knowingly, she quickly disappeared behind the flowers, getting Sungyeol his usual order. She came back within a minute and handed Sungyeol the rose. The boy was just about to give her the money, when she stopped him.

“You don’t have to, sir. I owe you one.” she smiled, clearly remembering the time when Sungyeol bought her one rose as well. “You’re coming for these every day. The person for whom they are is definitely lucky to have you.“ she added.

Sungyeol was quite shocked, but nodded nevertheless. “Thank you.” he almost whispered, before heading out of the shop.

He continued walking, observing the rose as if curiously. It was going to be long time before he’d reach his destination, but the time flew pretty fastly as he kept pondering the girl’s words all the time. He walked over an hour before finally reaching the graveyard.

Any other person would take a cab or a bus to be there faster, but Sungyeol was not any other person. He liked being with Myungsoo in his imaginary world while he let his long legs take him where he wanted. Even if it was just for a mere second, he would forgive about everything that had happened. About the fact that Myungsoo was no longer by his side. About the fact that he had no longer someone to live for.

He had never really understood what fascinated Myungsoo about roses that much. That was until he brought the flower closer to his face and let the scent make its way to his nose as he inhaled. He knew how roses smelled before, but this time it was somehow different. It was strong and soft at the same time. Heavy and light at the same time.

Sungyeol had to smile. Roses were just like Myungsoo. Beautiful yet dangerous at the same time. He walked towards the boy’s grave, placing the rose right next to the one he brought the day before.

“Hey there, Myung.” he smiled. “I brought you another one. Just to make sure you have enough of them wherever you are.” he added then, before walking closer to the gravestone, unconsciously tracing the golden letters with his fingers. “I miss you, you know?” he whispered. “Do you know what I was told today? That you’re lucky to have me... Can you believe that? How can you be lucky to have me, Myung? How? I couldn’t protect you… I will never stop regretting that I never cared about you as much as you did about me. If I did… maybe it would be all different now… I’m so sorry, baby… Wherever you are, wait for me there.”

Sungyeol closed his eyes for a moment, hoping for the sudden immensely painful feeling in his chest to go away. He knew that feeling very well. Everytime he stood here, in front of Myungsoo’s grave, he felt it. Guilt and sorrow. Mixed together, spreading in his body like a plague.

‘Crying would help.’ he thought bitterly, biting his lip. But where was he supposed to get tears? How was he supposed to let everything out? It was suffocating him, cutting him off needed oxygen as he wanted to cry so bad, however nothing but coughs he choked on came out.

He even struggled to look at his phone when it suddenly went off. He managed to do it after he started to breathe normally again. Blinking fastly at the screen, he assured himself that it was unmistakably Woohyun who was calling him. Quite taken aback, he hesitantly picked up.

“Hello..?” he called quietly, waiting for a response.

“Hey, Yeollie.” came Woohyun’s reply. Apparently, Sungyeol wasn’t the only one who wasn’t over it at all as Woohyun’s voice also sounded destroyed and sad. “How are you?” he asked then.

“That’s a stupid question, hyung.” Sungyeol answered quietly with slight scepticism dripping from his words. “What about you? And Sunggyu-hyung?”

“That’s why I am calling you. Can you come over?” Woohyun asked.

“That’s a bit…” Sungyeol bit his lip. An instant inward battle started within him. Sungyeol wasn’t the type to really solve problems and he wasn’t in mood to talk to anyone, even if that someone was supposed to be Sunggyu or Woohyun. Or both. On the other hand, Woohyun sounded kind of urgent so something definitely must have happened. Somehow his inner angel took over as the boy sighed in defeat. “Okay, I’ll be there.” he said and ended the call.

He didn’t care as he would at any other time though. Without Myungsoo, there was nothing for him to do and if coming over to Sunggyu and Woohyun’s would help them, then he should be glad that there still were people who needed him. He should be glad that he still had some purpose.

“I will come again, Myung. I love you.” he whispered before standing up from his knees and slowly leading his steps towards a bus station.

The three of them sat in the living room of Sunggyu and Woohyun’s apartment in complete, heavy silence. They were like that for nearly fifteen minutes since Sungyeol’s arrival. None of them knew what to say as they hadn’t practically talked to each other after the incident two weeks before. That was until Sunggyu abruptly stood up from Woohyun’s side and rushed to Sungyeol, pulling the tall boy up to his feet and throwing his arms around him.

Woohyun watched the two in silence. He didn’t even want to know how both of them felt; it was enough that he saw it on Sunggyu, how destroyed he was. It took his boyfriend three days before he was again able to talk as he just and only cried for those three days before. Not that Woohyun’s condition was any better since he was the one to take care of things then. He managed to explain the situation to Sunggyu’s boss and surprisingly, the guy understood everything and left Sunggyu alone for the time being.

For those mere weeks, Woohyun always kept it cool when Sunggyu needed a shoulder to cry on - which was most of the time. But when Sunggyu slept it was Woohyun’s turn to cry it all out. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to cry when Sunggyu was awake, because he wanted to cry all the time, but he just assumed that Sunggyu is already messed up enough and that it would just cause him more worries if he saw that Woohyun was in way worse condition than he actually showed.

Starting from the previous day Sunggyu’d been acting weird and that was something that creeped Woohyun out. He has stopped crying and he didn’t talk. At all. When it was needed, he would utter a few words, such as ‘good night’ or ‘good morning’ accompanied by a kiss, but he didn’t really talk. Woohyun couldn’t deny the fact that he missed the old times. He wanted to make the time run forwards and let everything be over. Woohyun had sensed something which was partly the reason why he called Sungyeol over.

Apparently, Sunggyu had something to tell them both.

“Wh-what is going on, hyung?” Sungyeol asked softly as he was released from the hug.

“How have you been?” Sunggyu asked just as quietly, completely ignoring the previous question.

Sungyeol stared for a moment, really pondering what to say. He didn’t even know how he has been. Broken? Useless? Alone? Worthless? Guilty? Empty? He didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t feel any of those. Maybe he felt nothing.

Though he really had to admit, as he looked at the hamster’s face, he immediately understood what made Woohyun call him. Sunggyu looked different from before. As if he was weighed with something else than loads of papers and Woohyun’s overly cute aegyo for a long time. This was something he needed to let out.

“Surviving.” Sungyeol said briefly, with a faint smile. “You?”

“Terrible.” Sunggyu looked down. “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, Yeollie. I still think that I should’ve done something… Maybe he would be here with us today…” his voice died down with a light sob.

“Come here, baby.” came Woohyun’s voice from the side along with his extended hand, which Sunggyu gladly took. He made himself comfortable on his boyfriend’s lap, immediately having a pair of arms circling around his waist from behind.

They fell to silence again as Sunggyu nervously played with Woohyun’s fingers, thinking where should he start as there was too many things he wanted to say. Too many things Woohyun and Sungyeol didn’t know even though they had the right to. It was time to expose what was hiding behind the mask of that ‘unimportant family bussines’ as he'd always called it whenever Woohyun asked what was going on.

“There are things you need to know. I want to find out what drove him to… do that and I think you do too.” he started. “You both know that Myungsoo and I had the same mother, but different fathers. My father left our mum even before Myungsoo was born - not that I remember, she told me once. Then Myungsoo’s father came to us and I suddenly had a brother. But after our mum passed away when Myungsoo was four, everything went down with us.”

“What happened?” Sungyeol asked.

“Apparently, Myungsoo’s father got himself involved with loan sharks. We both knew that, yet we were both unable to do anything since I was barely in second gr