-- Geum Min

A lock of unruly hair falls into my face as I walk briskly down the pavement. The tips of hair prickle my eyes, and I blink furiously, instinctively trying to get them out. I brush them off impatiently, and keep going. Almost there.

I only have the faint light of the moon and stars to guide my way tonight; it's so late that the street lamps have all been switched off. Soon I find the familiar turning off to the right, and I turn my feet down that way. I can feel the grit of stones beneath my sneakered feet. Crunching sounds follow my footsteps as I walk towards my favourite haunt - the playground. It looms up out of the darkness as a big, lumpy black shape. I guess to anyone else it might seem creepy this way, but I've come here so often that I'm comfortable here.

Today, though, I'm not here to relax or let my mind wander. As I stalk over to a decent spot near the foot of the slide, a place with a few feet of space all around, I slip my phone out of its pocket. Plugging in my earphones, I flip through my list of songs until I find the playlist of songs that we're set to perform the day after tomorrow. A whole week has passed since my last incident with Trainer Lee, and he hasn't been assigned to us anymore - thank my lucky stars. Although, I'm sure he'll be back soon. 

The first bars of the song start playing, and I hurriedly slip into my now-familiar starting position. I have this dance down almost perfectly - I just have to fine-tune it a little. Taking a deep breath to fill my lungs, I mould my body to the shape of the music I hear playing straight into my ears. I pour a little of my heart into each movement, adding flare in a little extra flick here and there to personalise the dance. With the amount of extra practice I've been putting in lately, the movements flow from me with little effort to recall the steps - they feel natural to me now.

At nearly midnight, it wasn't really my plan to come here and practice. I was just trying to catch up on sleep, but what Trainer Lee said the other day wouldn't stop running through my head. While my siblings slept, I decided that I should waste my extra energy by practising. I'd like to do this all the time if I could, but normally I just don't have the energy every day. What with training and school and homework, I'm exhausted by the time I get home - too tired to eat and bathe, I just feel like dropping into bed. Besides, whenever I do have some energy left over at the end of the day, I don't want to spend time dancing away. My life does not revolve around my career - yet - I'm just fifteen, and I want to enjoy my life still. There are so many other things I can do, so many other thing I like doing that I want the time to do...

The end of the song is nearing. By now, I've replayed it at least three times. My limbs feel like lead, and my eyelids are slowly sliding closed of their own accord. As the last notes fade away, I let my arms drop and my shoulders relax. The wire of my earphones makes a small click as I pull it out from my phone, and I coil it around my hand as I drop it into my pocket. Then I stuff the coil in there as well, and the package bulges out of my pocket. I tug the hem of my shirt lower to cover it, and set off back home.

My hair flies around as I spin, and eventually it comes back to hit me on the face. Blowing some strands out of my mouth, I widen my smile, sink into a crouch, and freeze into a pose for a few seconds, before springing upwards and snapping into another set of rapid movements. This song is more upbeat than the others, and involves a lot more movements. Our outfits for this one are going to be more casual than the other sets as well, allowing more freedom of movement for us because the choreography is very demanding. We'll be going on and performing two songs to open the event, and after all the other groups have performed we'll be going back again with this song to close the event. 

For the other two songs, they're more girly and cute, I guess you could say - so we'll be wearing brightly-coloured dresses. This song is more intense, though, and I happen to like it better this way. You can actually do a decent dance. I don't really like the typical girl group dances because they either get you to be really cute or too mature, and I'm neither. I seriously hope that the company gives us a decent image to go with for our careers - I don't want to end up as "Girlfriend" where we'll be expected to be cute all the time... I'd like to be able to come out with intense, upbeat songs like this every now and then!

"Geummin," I hear a voice behind me, and I turn around to look into the face of my choreographer. "You look tired. Have you been resting well?"

Silently, I nod, trying to make my face look brighter to convince him that I'm not tired - even though I want to drop dead with exhaustion. It's late, and we have that all-important first performance tomorrow. We need to do our best (as we've been told countless times), and I can't look tired tomorrow or people will notice. 

He pats me on the back, smiles, and walks towards the front of the group. His eyes flick in my direction every few seconds, as if he's afraid I'm going to fall down. Well he's got a good reason to worry - I feel like I can hardly hold myself up either. 

"You girls should go get some sleep. Tomorrow morning you all have to wake early, and you don't want dark circles under your eyes for your first concert as a group. Your dorm has been cleared out, so go sleep now!"

There's a collective sign across the room as everyone relaxes. We all walk over to collect our stuff, bid our choreographer a good night, and walk up towards the dorm we all share. A knot of tension eases in my stomach, but I know it'll be back in force tomorrow morning. I've been anxious about the performance all day today, but I'm not sure why. I mean, I've performed in front of many people before, on countless stages. The company likes to give its trainees a chance to showcase their talents, and Yoomin and I often perform together, either singing, dancing, or both. 

Sure, every time it gets to our turn, I get a really bad case of the jitters, because it's just intimidating to think of your performance. I mean, there are so many things that can go wrong with it, and once something goes wrong, nobody will ever let you forget it. The pressure of having so many people scrutinising everything you do is more than a little daunting. But over time, I got used to the feeling, and I was able to put it out of my head and just perform to the best of my ability. Tomorrow, though, I'm afraid because this time the performance is not just all about me. I have to consider my group members, and make sure I don't let them down. Also, I'm worried about our performance as a whole. This is our chance to show the company how much we're worth, to give them the proof that we deserve this opportunity to debut.

And it all hinges on one performance - I shiver at the thought.

"Geummin," the trainer pats my shoulder, looking at me with a serious expression. "I want you to rest well. Don't let yourself be exhausted tomorrow."

"Okay," I agree, bowing to him and bidding him good night.

Yawning, I drag myself up the stairs, following Soyoung. We tramp up to the dorm and enter the room which we share together, changing our clothes with our backs to each other. Entering the bathroom we share with the rest of the band, we pick up our toothbrushes and start brushing our teeth - Soyoung staying in the bathroom in one place like any sane person would, and me pacing up and down out of habit. I don't even know why I have to walk around while brushing, but it's too ingrained a habit to change now. Besides, it doesn't harm anyone.

"Hey guys," Sumi calls out, and I look in her direction, still brushing. "Someone needs to switch off the lights soon!"

Yoomin and I, both in the main living area, exchange glances. I gesture towards our leader to wait a second while I rinse out my mouth. After I'm done, I rejoin the rest of the band with Soyoung and stretch out my hand.

"Kawi, bawi, bo!" 

We keep repeating this until we get a loser - me. I groan and cover my face with my hand. Looks like I'm going to have to find my way back in the pitch darkness, while dog-tired and likely to knock into everything because I'm so clumsy. Then I'll have to make my way up to my top bunk somehow - I'm not looking forward to it.

But, I lost at the game of scissors, paper, stone, so it's not like i have a choice.

Soyoung gives me an evil grin on her way to the bedroom, and I roll my eyes to the ceiling, waiting for them all to disappear into their rooms. After I see the last bit of jammies disappear into their rooms, I count to ten to give them a chance to get into bed (aren't I nice?) and stroll over to the main switch. Bracing myself for the darkness, I flick the switch.

Darkness descends, and I'm blind for a moment. My heart beating fast, I force myself to calm down and close my eyes. On opening them, I can see my way forward ever-so-slightly. If I weren't feeling exhausted or jittery, I would have noticed how beautiful the rays of moonlight were as they filtered in through the curtained windows at the far end of the room. As it is, I suddenly, belatedly, realise that I forgot to remove my contacts. Cursing myself inwardly, I stumble along the dark hallway, sticking my hands out to touch the walls and make sure I don't walk into them, until I reach the bathroom. I slip inside and pinch out my contacts, feeling for the tap to wash them. The process is quick even though it's dark, because I've got a lot of experience with contacts. As soon as I'm done, I slide the contacts into their box, which I feel around for by touch. They're in a small shelf fixed into the wall which the company provided for us - there's one for each individual member of the trainee group.

It seems like everything has been set for our debut, what with the dorm and performances and all, but honestly that's not quite true. The company has to make sure that we're alright with each other, able to work well together, and that we're well and truly the best among the other trainees in order to let us debut. They also have to figure out a decent image for us, which kind of image will work best - they have to test it out and we have the performances for that, they can also use these to judge how the audience reacts to each and every kind of image we put forth - settle our roles and come up with schedules, and that's just the beginning. If everything is confirmed and we are given an honest chance to debut, they will write us songs and get us to record them, a whole bunch at once to make sure that we can keep up. They will create choreography for each song they deem worthy enough to be a title song, and they will get us to perfect these. A whole hoarde of stylists will come together just for us and figure out the various ways to doll us up, depending on our image.

Within the next few weeks, we'll probably be experimenting. That means our image will constantly change, and along with them the kinds of songs we do. Also, it's likely that they'll mess with Yoomin's and my hair, because we're supposedly the visuals of the group (for now) and they'll want us to always look perfect. I'll probably be getting a whole line of different hairstyles in the time to come, and I'm still not sure of how to feel about that. I kind of like my hair the way it is, but I know things will have to change.

And unfortunately, I don't think it's just my hair that will change. I'll probably have no time left for myself, once everything actually picks up. I heard from my brothers how hectic it can be at the start, what with entering an industry with so many already-successful bands out there, and currently each company is just spewing out newer and newer bands, and I know many of my classmates can't keep up with them - even those who follow the industry closely. The company will have to wait for a lull in the debuts and push us forth, and we have to make a big impression or risk getting lost in the wave. And I know I don't want to end up as one of those groups that nobody has ever heard of. I want to make a bang.

Anyway, while all this is happening, I'll still have my acting career, which has already started, school, and my own life. I don't know how I'm going to balance them all. This last week alone, in preparation for the upcoming performance, I have stayed at the dorm overnight for 3 nights in the entire week. Normally I always go home. And this is just the start - will I be spending my whole life here at the dorm when I debut? My mind goes back to my family: my parents, jeongmin, youngkwang, and hyunsun - will I get to see them at all when I'm busy here?

As I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror - I can see it since my eyes have adjusted now - I see a tear slip from my eyes. I realise, slightly distracted from my thoughts, that my eyes really do have bad rings under them. They're quite bad, and I probably should get to sleep now so that they won't be puffy. But I can't move. Instead, the tears keep falling, and I can't get myself to stop. 

Meanwhile, Youngkwang will be getting busier. Having just debuted last year, they have to keep up their image and prepare for their next comeback. They've been taking a hiatus from December till now, and from what I heard it'll continue until June, when they'll release their first album. They're recording a whole load of songs for that, and re-recording some old ones they made a while ago, and preparing everything. Although, they're pretty relaxed now because they're in the middle of a hiatus. But once they make their comeback everything will get back to its old hectic state, and when Boyfriend expands into the Japanese market it'll only get worse.

I don't know when we'll get time for each other.

Oh gosh, sometimes it just hits me: how hard it is to follow your dreams! 

But yes, this is my dream. I've got to be the one to make it work, and I knew how hard it would be before I joined. Already, I've worked so hard to get to where I am, and I'm not going to let all that effort go to waste. I proved so many people wrong when I made it this far, so I'm not going to prove them right by giving up. I'm stronger than that.

Besides, this isn't just my dream, I guess. My brother Jeongmin wanted to be an idol too, and to be honest he has a beautiful strong and clear voice too, but he gave it up. My parents didn't approve, and they were going through tough times then. Jeongmin also knew that my brothers, sister and I looked up to him, and he didn't want to disappear from our lives just like that and abandon us to whatever fate we would have. So he decided to give up his dream instead. Eventually he was the one who motivated us and pushed us on when we wanted to become idols; he was the one who convinced my parents that we were mature and strong enough to take it; he was the one who was always there for us...

I can't let him down, I just can't. 

Taking a deep, shaky breath, I pull myself straight and look myself in the eyes through the mirror. 

"Jo Geummin," I tell myself, lifting an unwavering finger to wipe away the tears from my eyes. "You will not give up."

I make a fist, enveloping the warm tear in my palm and holding it tight. I can see that my eyes are puffy and reddish now, thanks to my crying bout, but hopefully I'll be fine tomorrow. Anyway, I'm probably only being so emotional because I'm exhausted to begin with. I put a smile on my face, making sure my eyes respond so that I look genuinely happy. Still smiling, I turn and stumble out the door and across the hall, into my own room. Soyoung's probably asleep already, so I make sure to keep quiet as I push open the door.

Peeking in, I hear her snoring, so I tiptoe in and silently close the door behind me. Then I take a step in front and fall straight onto my . Stunned, I stare in front of me for a good while, wondering how on earth I landed here - did the ground disappear? Suddenly I spy Soyoung's shirt on the floor near my leg and realise that I slipped on that - stupid me! Even the clothes are telling me they're out to get me... Grumbling, I pull myself to my feet, rubbing my aching .

I bite my lip. "You are not gonna give up," I repeat to myself, clambering into my bed.

I'm asleep before my head touches the pillow.