That Odd Feeling
Y U NO COMMENT Review Shop [BUSY]
Title: 5/5
I personally liked the title of your one-shot. It was perfect for the fic. It wasn't too wordy, cliché, or emotional.
At first, I was wondering what the significance of the title may be to the story as there wasn't really a point that I felt odd about Kyuhyun's feelings. However, you surprised me with the ending (which I will elaborate later) and it was then that I realized what the title was aiming for. Good job!
Plot: 9/10
There are a lot of fics about love triangles all over AFF and your fic isn't any different. However, I enjoyed how you slowly built up the tension, played with the conflict, and delivered the plot twist at the end. The latter was, honestly, unexpected. I need to read back the last three paragraphs to make sure I understood it right and then I re-read the entire one-shot, as well. It was only when I re-read it that I was able to catch the hints you've subtly placed all over the story.
I do not know if it is your intention but you did a really good job 'misleading' me into thinking that Kyu's love interest was Minji. Hence, it came as a (good) surprise when it was revealed in the end.
You could have gotten perfect marks for this but I was a bit distracted with a minor plot hole in the story. I have been to quite a number of weddings and I'm quite sure the bride does not meet with the groom prior to the ceremonial procession. One of the most commonly followed wedding tradition is for the groom and the best man to arrive at the church (or wherever the wedding may take place) at least twenty minutes before the actual ceremony begins. The bride arrives a bit later accompanied by her entourage. I have been accustomed to this tradition which was why I got a bit confused on that part when Kyu met with Yesung ang Minji before the ceremony. I thought it was already the reception but it turned out that it wasn't.
My tip is to do a little research about stuff relevant to your fic before writing it. Some people may find it unnecessary but I believe that the little extra knowledge we get can help us create a more realistic situation to which our readers can relate to.
Characterization: 8.5/10
I was a bit confused about Kyuhyun's thoughts at first. First, he wallows in sadness, regret, or any strong emotion; but then, he retracts it. It's as if he wasn't sure about what he feels.
However, that is what made up the relatively good characterization for me.
As with the title and the plot, you have wonderfully plated your story without brandishing it blatantly to the reader. The confusion I felt towards Kyu's character mirrored the confusion that he was actually feeling in the fic. He was unsure, bothered, and sad and all those mixed emotions were reflected. I applaud how you successfully depicted Kyuhyun's internal conflict; which in return created more depth in his character.
I understand that this is a Kyuhyun-centric fic so the focus is on him. There was no need to expound more on Yesung or Minji's character because doing so might have lessened the impact expected from the revelation on the last part of the story. However, it would have been better if you had showed us more about their friendship. That way, it could've added more color to the story. It was reiterated that the three share a strong bond as friends but I never really got that vibe when I read the fic.
Mechanics (grammar, punctuation, diction, etc): 3/15
Ah, this one. I believe that this fic could have easily passed as one of my most-remembered YeKyu one-shots if not for the errors in grammar(particularly syntax), semantics, and punctuation (watch your commas).
I am not strict when it comes to mechanics but I honestly had a hard time understanding your fic because of it. (॓_॔)
Little earthling, the area you need to work the hardest on is sentence shift; specifically your verb-tense agreement, faulty modifiers, punctuations, and word usage. "What on earth is sentence shift, alien?", you may ask. Well, sentence shift refers to shifts in the sentences that make reading or understanding the message difficult.
The most prevalent concern I have here is your usage of complex sentences. Complex sentences are cute but are also very complicated to use. As if the name isn't obvious enough, right?
Your number of complex sentences here simply highlighted your tense inconsistencies. /zaps you
There are a number of times when you switched from present continuous to simple past tense and I think that this has something to do with your usage of complex sentences.
Earthling yield sample:
Awkward:Sighing deeply while biting his bottom lip, Kyuhyun let his eyes drifting aimlessly everywhere; Kyuhyun was on the verge of breaking down.
This is one example of your rather numerous complex sentences that made me wonder if I should bring you to our planet so we can eat you.
"Aimlessly everywhere" sounds like overkill here especially that you already used 'drift' as the secondary verb. It isn't truistically wrong but it is kinda awkward. Also, the last sentence can stand on its own so there's no need to attach it to the first.
Better:Kyuhyun sighed deeply and bit his bottom lip as he let his eyes drift aimlessly. He was on the verge of breaking down.
Tenses indicate the timeframe of the sentence; hence, it is important that you maintain consistency to keep the flow of the story and not make the reader confused. Just in case you wish to know the technicalities behind this, here's a link on how to keep the tense consistency.
The word order (syntax) of a sentence determines its effectiveness and meaning. One misplaced or missing word and your expected 'hwaw amazing' sentence becomes 'wut on earth is this?'. Be careful in using modifiers. Modifiers are helpful in creating a more vivid picture of the story but they could also tear it down if not used correctly. There are quite a number of misplaced modifiers in your story and they made it confusing for me to read. ಠ_ಠ
Awkward:There were many round white-clothed tables in front of the altar, which were occupied by the guests right now.
What were occupied by the guests? The white-clothed tables or the altar? I eez confused.
Awkward:So when Kyuhyun spotted a certain man dressed in a nicer tuxedo, with neat, combed black hair and a nervous smile on his face standing not too far from where he stood...
Wow, that's an interesting tuxedo! Not only is it nicer, it is also neat, has combed black hair, and a nervous smile on his face! ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)
Remember that in using modifiers, the rule is to keep it as close to the subject as possible. This way, it will not be difficult for the reader to know what it was that you are trying to modify.
Zeet, zeet. Now, we will talk about your punctuations, especially your commas, which made it hard for me to understand some sentences too.
Bad:Suddenly, with a warm smile on her face, Minji held his shoulder, giving it a light shake.
Y U NO USE PERIOD?!?!?! Period eez nao sad and hurt. There are too many commas in one sentence; none of which helping send the right message.
It could have been worded better as,
With a warm smile on her face, Minji suddenly held his shoulder and gave it a light shake.
Here's another:
Bad:Minji gave him the look and a small nod from Sungmin, Kyuhyun lifted up his mic and closed his eyes as he started to sing his heart out, while trying his best to remember the lyrics that were printed last night.
Earthling, the predicate is messed up! What are you?! /zaps again
I do not understaaaaaaand (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
Did Minji, apart from giving him a look, also give Kyuhyun a nod... from Sungmin? And there goes those mighty commas again. (⇀‸↼‶)
Wouldn't it be nice if it was worded a little bit more like this?
Minji gave him a look and then Sungmin gave him a small nod. Kyuhyun lifted up his mic and closed his eyes. He started to sing his heart out while trying his best to remember the lyrics that were printed the night before.
Commas are beautiful, but they are also, annoying, if used, like this one, in a sentence, right? Here's a cute little site about the proper purpose of a comma.
Last major concern, usage of words. Usage of words is very important especially in dealing with coherence. Coherence covers voice, thought, tense, and all those technicalities. The following questions are indicators of coherence:
- Is this sentence/fragment/word significant in my fic?
- Does it serve an important purpose?
- Will it make sense?
This is an example of incoherence (on matters of thought and word usage regarding cause/effect),
The sun was shining brightly and the birds were chirping, coloring such a beautiful morning.
There is something off with this sentence but I can't pinpoint exactly what it was so I made a list of the errors that seem close.
1. The "sun shining brightly" and "coloring such a beautiful morning" are visual words. Therefore, putting "the birds are chirping" made the sentence sound off considering that the quoted fragment is audal.
2. This could also be a case of misplaced modifier combined with inappropriate cause. What made the morning colorful? The sun or the sounds of the bird? If it's the first, your modifier is misplaced. If it's the latter, it defies logic. If it is both, there is no coherence with the word usage.
Speaking of logic, you talked about coloring a beautiful morning. If the morning is already beautiful, shouldn't it have been colored already? (￣。￣")
Better:The sun was shining brightly and the birds were chirping, adding colors and sounds to a beautiful morning.
Here's another example:
Awkward:Kyuhyun sighed as he took the cup of coffee on the kitchen table, slurping it bit by bit since it was still burning hot.
Better:Kyuhyun sighed as he took the cup of coffee from the kitchen table, slurping it slowly as it was still scalding hot.
It should be slurp slowly and not bit by bit. Bit is for solid. Coffee is not solid so usage of bit is wrong. Burning is for solid too. You do not burn liquid, you boil it. In this case, it should be 'scalding' hot.
Awkward:His used clothes were everywhere in the room, not to mention his favorite angry bird boxer. Toothbrush, hair gel and toothpicks were seen scattered on the floor from the bathroom to the door of his room. Remembering that he never makes his bed, it was no suprise to find coffe and sauce stains on his bed sheets.
Better:His used clothes were everywhere in the room. Toothbrush, hair gel, and toothpicks were scattered from the bathroom floor to the door of his room. Kyuhyun was never tidy in bed so it was no surprise to find coffee and sauce stains on his bed sheets.
I was waiting for the significance of the Angry Bird boxers but it never came. Was it something Yesung gave? Does it serve as a sentimental object? What is so important about the Angry Bird boxers that you have to mention it? Be wary of adding words just to elongate sentences because chances are, it will only look out of place and completely unnecessary.
Be mindful of coherence in thought too. I have to read the sentence "Remembering that he never makes his bed, it was no suprise to find coffe and sauce stains on his bed sheets" once again because it didn't make sense. The idea of putting 'remembering' indicates a train of thought from a certain POV. Granting that the preceding sentence is not even following Kyuhyun's POV, the use of the word 'remembering' is semantically wrong.
It could have been worded better as:
Kyuhyun never makes his bed so it was no surprise to find coffee and sauce stains on his bed sheets.
Even better would be:
Kyuhyun was never tidy in bed so it was no surprise to find coffee and sauce stains on his bed sheets.
"Make your bed" is an idiom which means 'to restore a bed to an unslept-in condition'. Hence, the idea of coffee and sauce stains isn't really compatible with the usage of the idiom.
Awkward:Several pillars on the sides supported the white building that stood solidly in front of him. The style of the building would remind anyone of Greek buildings which are always too grand.Better:Several pillars on the sides supported the white building that stood solidly in front of him. The style reminded him of those Greek buildings which were always too grand.
We were following Kyuhyun's POV so third-person opinions (in this case, "anyone") sounded awkward.
Apart from these major concerns, there are also a number of run-on sentences, rambling sentences, and fragments in the story.
So, how do we know if a sentence is a run-on sentence? Try reading it out loud. If you find it hard to keep up and seem out of breath after reading it, it's a sign that you might be needing to put a period there somewhere.
Your fragments in this fic are forgivable because this is literature (right to writing style alien, represent!) and not some technical writing class. However, it would be nice if you still keep those subject+object relationships in check, just in case.
So, there. If you have time, check the links I have provided to practice your grammatical skills. If you are too tired, here's a rather nice page summarizing common grammatical and style errors earthlings usually commit. Those mistakes are common and it doesn't mean that you . Just stay away from complex sentences for now until you fully master them. Although we are using AFF, a public, free-for-all, party-everyone-even-aliens-are-allowed avenue for our literary pursuits, it is good to remember that any good story becomes ten times better when it is clear and not confusing. ∩(︶▽︶)∩
PS. I have already posted this when I read that you, actually, used a beta for this fic. (。・_・。)
/blink
/re-blinks
/re-re-re-blinks
I think you already know what I will say next.
Originality and Creativity: 18/20
There are a number of fics with almost the same plot and delivery as yours so I cannot say it was very original. Nevertheless, you still managed to surprise me and that means A for effort! Hahaha
Writing Style: 10/30
Unlike the other factors comprising the rubric, writing style is something that is purely subjective. Hence, this is where we cater to your needs as based to our first three questions in our cute questionnaire in the first page. Be prepared!
First, I want to inform you that I am quite a complicated alien. I do not have a list of things I like or do not like to read. I dun curr. The only thing that is important to me is that I will not feel as if I have wasted my time reading something that I wish I shouldn't have read. This is the part that I will be very honest and if you are the type who gets sensitive... earthling, you chose the wrong review shop.
Zo eniwei, on to yerr fic. Hmmm... writing style. Your writing style is hard to follow because of the complex sentences that you used. Like what I said a while ago, it is one of the things that bothered me most when I was reading it. I believe that this story would have been very nice if only it didn't take me gazillion lightyears to understand each. I eez an alien; hence, it eez hard for me to decode yerr earthy language so earthling, puhlease, don't make it harder. Heolllll
This fic is angst and congratulations because the fic did give off an angsty, emo, dramatic, and heol-imma-zap-up-your-endorphins feel. Gujab, gujab. However, I was a bit distracted with all of Kyuhyun's intrapersonal communication aka talking-to-himself---especially when he did it in third person. My eyebrows sprung to life and crawled toward my hairline when I read that part. So, uh, no-no.
There must be something wrong with my extrasensory receptors because I did not 'feel' the story. I wasn't moved nor touched nor anything. I was simply surprised at the last part but it's the kind of surprise I feel when I go home to our headquarters to eat and find that Mayi did not leave any food for me. (¬▂¬) Which then led me to the conclusion, which I hope I am mistaken, that this fic is not written whole-heartedly. When we write (and I mean it in the deepest sense of fiction writing), we write not because we just want to, but because we feel the need to. It's like there is this inexpugnable flame inside us that we need to extinguish and that the only way for us to do that is to write.
I have said this a thousand times to my recruited aliens but the best stories are not the stories with heavy words and super complicated story lines. It is not the story that will flaunt huzzah-amazing-flawfree grammar skill and wider-than-the-Jupiter's-diameter vocabulary. The best stories are those that are straight from the heart. In as much as we don't want to believe it, stories speak to us more than what the words that are used would allow. There can be ten thousand meanings in a ten-word sentence. Stories talk to us in voices. They cry, they laugh, they complain, they whine; they speak out---and do you know what they talk about? The language of the writer's soul. Even the dullest stories hold truth but it will, obviously, pale in comparison to the stories that are fueled with inspiration.
Earthling, I repeat, the best stories are the stories that are written from the heart.
Writing is not a job or an occupation, it is a calling. It is a need. There are writers who wait for the call for years before they receive it and they do not mind? Why? Because they write because they NEED to. Write from the heart. If the heart does not call for you to write, it's okay. You can just write. But we cannot expect the effect to be similar to that one that is ignited by fervor.
I am talking too much. I should stop. You can choose not to listen to these because these are all my personal opinions but yeah, you get the point.
I can see that you want to write and of course, that is something that no one is allowed to tell you off. But instead of saying "keep writing", I'll say "keep being inspired". (︶ω︶)
Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/10
I blame the sentence construction. It killed my enthusiasm. I, however, congratulate the attempt to make the fic sophisticated. Unfortunately, it remained an attempt and never made it through. But alas, fear not! My extraterrestrial sense is telling me that you, earthling, will master grammar, syntax, semantics, and all those shizz in writing if you practice more.
Total: 57/100
And this ends our first review. I hope that you, dear earthling, really read and felt all that I have written here. DO NOT LIE! I SHALL QUIZ YOU! Hahaha. But really. Thank you for trusting us to review your story. It might not be exactly the same as how you perceived it would be but I hope that it was close. If you have any objections, suggestions, violent reactions for this review, feel free to leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEP!
---request: closed
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「 Y U NO COMMENT?」
earthlings! get the request code properly because if your code is wrong, your submission won't be sent into our inbox. heol -____-
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