ch. 01:

 

  the consequences hurt.

 

 

 

Arms folded, Kyuhyun leaned against the doorway, foot tapping against the tiled floor. He gazed, sharp but oddly empty, toward the rain falling against the evening sky.

He scoffed, deciding to get inside before he caught a cold. Tomorrow was an important day for him; he couldn’t fall ill no matter what happen. Kyuhyun sighed as he took the cup of coffee from the kitchen table, slurping it slowly as it was still scalding hot. His thoughts wandering and he hates the ceaseless barrage of thoughts.

He shifted his gaze, once again, to the rain outside the window. "Even the heavens looks as if it were pitying me," he mumbled softly as he took the vibrating phone out of his pocket. Kyuhyun opened the message immediately after he saw the sender's name, as if afraid that the message will disappear.

20 Jan 2013, 17:59:

I just want to say... Thank you for everything over these years. It's finally 'our' special day tomorrow. I can't wait. See you?

He replied to the message quickly as he took another sip of his coffee. A low 'beep'  from the printer signaled that the document was printed. Kyuhyun dragged his feet lazily to his room, taking the document from his printer. His small eyes danced across the document, trying to memorize it as quickly as he could. With a cup of half-coffe in his right hand and the document on his other hand, Kyuhyun enters his room by opening the slightly-closed door with his left feet.

Kyuhyun's room was a mess of the worst sort, but in the midst of the clutter, a small, framed photo stood out. It was a photo of a teen girl with high pigtails, standing between two boys. They were happy, arms linked and smiles brightly.

 

***

 

Wearing his dark, shiny tuxedo, Kyuhyun  looked handsome from every angle. He was ready to start the day. It was rare to find the Cho Kyuhyun out of bed by seven. Around this hour, you would usually find him still lying lazily on his messy bed, still asleep or sometimes awake with his eyes glued to his laptop's screen.

Kyuhyun checked his appearance one last time as he made his way to the drawer. He opened the drawer and took out a little red box, running his thumb over its surface.

Kyuhyun sighed deeply and bit his bottom lip as he let his eyes drift aimlessly. He blinks his eyes repeatedly, in hope that the tears that was about to clouding his sight anytime soon will dissapear. He was clearly on the verge of breaking down, if that wasn’t clear enough.

 

***

 

The sun was shining brightly and the birds were chirping, adding colors and sounds to the beautiful morning. It was a perfect Monday: everyone in the town was seen doing their own activity. Some were rushing to school or work, some were enjoying the fresh air by jogging in the park and some were even doing a set of stretching before starting the day.

With the little confidence that he carried, Kyuhyun got out of his car. He straightened out his tuxedo before heading to the huge building in front of him, his face was expressionless. Perhaps he was simply too nervous, to the point of not being able to control his own expression.

"Just man up, Kyu," he said under his breath, clenching his fist tight and storming inside the building.

As soon as he spotted Jongwoon, his best friend, there was someone else entering the picture: a woman in a wedding dress. She had a cheeky smile on her beautiful rounded face; she wears a beautiful white wedding dress that hugged her small waist perfectly. She also held a bouquet of white roses in her hand, while muttering something to Jongwoon, the man beside her. Jongwoon leaned over to catch on to whatever the woman was saying. She was Gong Minji, his soon-to-be wife.

 

Watching the scene in front of him, Kyuhyun immediately stopped in his track, slightly hoping that the crowd will hide his presence. His left foot was itching to turn itself, wanting to get away from the place as soon as possible. But he knew he couldn't do it anymore. Kyuhyun had no more reasons to avoid the truth anymore; he has to face the reality sooner or later. 

With short and shaky steps, he walked to the happy couple in front of him—his two best friends  who were soon to be married in 45 minutes.

"Cho Kyuhyun!” Jongwoon waved excitedly, grinning broadly with the widest grin that Kyuhyun had ever seen in his 24 years of living.

"He must be so happy," he let the bitter thought pass through his mind, shoving his left hand into his pants pocket.

"Hello, hyung. Hello, Jee," Kyuhyun greeted, putting on another fake smile. Jongwoon greeted him back with a long and tight man hug while Minji – or Jee – gave him a warm hug after. 

"I didn't know that you guys were seriously going to leave me single just like that," Kyuhyun continued with a light tone. The couple chuckled in return.

"You ready?" Jongwoon asked him. Kyuhyun nodded.

With a warm smile on her face, Minji shook Kyuhyun's shoulder lightly, "don't worry much. I know you will do your best... Kyu-oppa."

 

***

 

Kyuhyun couldn't stop fidgeting as he stood there beside the piano. The big room slowly filled with people; Kyuhyun recognized some of them as Jongwoon’s college friends and others as neighbors and workmates.

"You look so nervous, Kyu. Just relax," says a voice beside him, and Kyuhyun turns toward Sungmin-hyung. 

Usually, he would respond wittily, but now he simply nodded and whispered, "thank you, hyung." Sungmin gave him a light shrug in return.

 

The big bell rings echoed all over the room, signaling the start of the wedding, his best friend’s wedding. As if given a cue, everyone stood and applauded.

Kyuhyun tilted his head toward the entrance door and found Jongwoon. Jongwoon kept his wide smile as he continued to greet the guests and lead them into the hall. His smile, his warmth, his happiness were all too apparent from where Kyuhyun stood.

"Hyung, are you that happy?" The thought crossed Kyuhyun's mind as he quickly dismissed it.

 

***

 

The bride and groom exchanged vows. Gong Minji was now Kim Minji, and Kim Minji was now Kim Jongwoon's. Kyuhyun's lips trembled at the thought, a lump forming in his throat. It was too much for him. He always thought that no matter how much it hurt, he would be able to survive, by remembering the pain he had to bear all this time. But he was wrong. He should’ve known since the start, that he was wrong. 

Keeping his gaze on the newlywed couple, Kyuhyun saw his best friends glow with happiness. Once again, he felt tears were clouding his sight just by looking at them. Kyuhyun wasn't sure if his tears were borne of happiness or grief—wasn't sure if he could accept the cruel reality. He didn't know. He felt vulnerable and weak at the moment, his legs threatening to give out from under him. He tightened his grip on the microphone in his hand.

With a look from Minji and a nod from Sungmin, Kyuhyun closed his eyes and started to sing, trying to remember the lyrics he printed last night. He had stayed up all night practicing his English—wanting to give the best to his best friends.

 

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

 

Does anyone remember their first meeting?

Does anyone remember their first greeting?

Does anyone know that it has been years if Kyuhyun counts it right?

Does anyone know that although it has been years, Kyuhyun has never been able to forget it?

 

Using a rational and logical mind, sure it was impossible for them to be together.

But every time Kyuhyun saw that person at the end of the road, all the thoughts of impossible somewhat disappeared in a jiffy.

Does anyone also know that?

By believing and trusting his own heart, Kyuhyun slowly yet surely fallen for that person.

 

Kyuhyun loves the way that person’s head always turn to the left every time he called that person’s name.

Kyuhyun likes the way that person’s eyes twinkle every time they talk to each other as they sat in the bus every morning.

All of these new feelings are so unfamiliar to him. Kyuhyun feels somewhat unsure and afraid.

 

It’s not once or twice when Kyuhyun convinces himself if what he feels is right or not. 

 

Kyuhyun would be lying if he said that he’s not feeling afraid... not even a bit.

Kyuhyun would be fooling himself if he said that he’s doing okay... like he has always told that person every single day.

 

Because to be honest; Kyuhyun was afraid. He was unsure. He was worried. He was upset.

 

But every time Kyuhyun looks at that person’s way, the two orbs of that person’s eyes somewhat convince his doubting self that everything is going to be okay. And all of his doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

And that's what has helped him to survive by carrying this somewhat strange and odd feeling for all of these years.

 

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

 

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years of loving that person, passing by just like the carefree wind of autumn.

Remembering all of his puppy love when he was young, Kyuhyun knows that the pain was nothing compared to the one he feels now.

 

It hurts. Every time Kyuhyun was talking to that person who knows nothing about his feelings.

It stings. Every time Kyuhyun was standing beside that person who knows nothing about his pain.

 

It pained himself. But strangely, Kyuhyun doesn't seem to mind it.

It's as if he didn't mind it at all to wait for another seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years for that person to finally realize his feelings.

 

He has blocked his vision from the world's reality.

He has impaired his hearing from the world's sayings.

He will only go by his heart, and put his full trust into it.

He will only believe, that person will surely realize his feelings later.

 

That's why Kyuhyun doesn't mind the wait.

He isn’t going to feel anxious, impatient and rushed.

He promised himself that he wouldn't.

As long as that person come back into his arms in the end, he doesn't mind.

 

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

 

On one fine afternoon, was when they met the other person.

That person was perfect in every way; Kyuhyun must admit it. But what took his attention the most at that time wasn't the perfection.

 

What worried Kyuhyun the most was the genuine smile on that person’s face everytime the two of them walked home together.

What disturbed Kyuhyun the most was the sparkles in that person’s eyes everytime they (again, only the two of them) were engaged in another conversation that he couldn't join.

 

At that time, Kyuhyun stupidly told himself - until he lost count of how many times - that it was nothing.

That everything was going to be like normal, like how he convinced himself for all this time.

At that moment, Kyuhyun stubbornly built an invisible wall around himself, as if to prevent the reality from sinking into his determined self.

 

Every time someone else told him about the things that were going on between them, he'd always turn his back.

Every time someone else told him about the possibilities that could happen between them, he'd always refuse to hear.

 

And when the thought of "I will not let that happened” crossed his mind, things were already going too far to even stop it. His once confident self slowly crumbled into pieces.

 

One step closer
One step closer

 

When Kyuhyun started to let his ears and eyes open again, the first thing he heard was, "One step closer. They are close."

 

All along Kyuhyun believed he would find that person back beside his side.

All along Kyuhyun trusted he would be together with that person till the end.

 

But after all of this suffering, the realization just hit him: For all this time, he just believed in nothing but his delusional mind.

 

Time has brought him back to reality.

 

With an uneven breath, Kyuhyun slowly opened his eyes, realizing the passion with which he sang. Loud applauses were heard the moment he fully opened his eyes, as he blinked cluelessly. Kyuhyun quickly turned away his head to his towards the direction of his best friends, still clueless about the applause. A proud smile was plastered on Jongwoon's face as Minji shows her childish grin. Finally getting his bearings, Kyuhyun bowed.

 

As he brought himself back, Kyuhyun looked at Minji deeply yet expressionlessly, until her smile faded away and she gave him a questioning look in return.

"Why Minji?" He mouthed silently.

 

***

 

Kyuhyun leaned against the cold wall of his house. His tuxedo didn't look nice anymore, his neat hair now messy, and his eyes dead. He loosened his tie as he scratched his already messy hair. His teary eyes held nothing but regrets. His body slid onto the cold floor, too heavy from loss. As his legs could not bear the weight of his body anymore when he thought about how he had finally lost the one he loved.

All he could do now was blame himself. All he could do now was accept the reality. If only he had the courage to confess his feelings, it wouldn't have happened. If only he had realized the reality sooner. Things wouldn't have turned this way.

 

He regretted it all. Every single thing that had happened.

 

Still sitting on the cold floor, Kyuhyun grabbed his phone from his pocket. He punched the screen hard, planning to dial someone's invalid phone number that he had memorized outside of his head. He pressed the phone against his chin, waiting for any possible response.

"The number you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later. Or leave a message after the ‘Beep’... Beep."

Tears streaming down his cheeks as he holds back his breath by biting his bottom lips. He uttered the words that he had kept came unbidden to his lips, "I'm happy for you, really. But I don't know why my heart is saying the opposite. I want to be happy for you, really. But I don't know why it's so hard for my heart to accept it."

 

Kyuhyun paused for a minute, trying to get a grip of himself. Then he pulled out the small red box and a slightly crumpled photo from his tuxedo pocket that he had brought before he went to the wedding. The photo he took from his bedside table, the photo of their teenage years: Kyuhyun, Minzy and Jongwoon. A photo from when everything was still alright, when the days were happier. 

"Tell me what I should do, hyung. Please help me. Right now, I’m lost in my own feelings. Tell me what I should do with this odd feeling. Please help me, hyung. It hurts... It’s tiring me..."

He let his tears fall, holding the small red box in which laid a matching pair of rings. The rings that he always kept for himself, thanks to his non-existence courage to confess his feelings. He brought the photo to his eye-level. Rubbing Jongwoon's – his hyung’s –  face slowly with his thumb, he ripped Minzy’s face out of the photo, leaving only him and Jongwoon in the picture.

 

***

 

  p.s »   The italic words are Kyuhyun’s introspection when he sang the wedding song. Because the song matched with how he feels well, the memories he doesn’t want to remember starts to flooded his mind while he was singing to it. The song that Kyuhyun sang is Christina Perri - One Thousand Years by the way. You may search up the lyrics on Google if you want to.

  author's note »   Hello everyone! /phew. Finally, I finished the story. I enjoyed writing it a lot, I hope you enjoy reading it the same way as I do. xoxo.