Dear Diary,

I don’t know how to start this entry. My head is in the clouds and I feel strangely liberated.

I did it. I confessed.

He hadn’t been talking much since Yooyoung had rejected him. Although, he had got over it enough to stop crying about it, he still listened to sad love songs on his iPod and he occasionally needed comfort again.

He kept saying that no one would ever love him. He kept saying it, and I was right there head over heels in love with him. He kept saying that he is the member with the least amount of fans in Nu’est. He said he felt terrible about himself, about his ‘lack of talent,’ his lack of charm, his lack of experience and lack of ‘good looks’ (pshhhht).

No matter how many times I tried to comfort him saying that he had a beautiful voice, that he was charming, that he was tremendously gorgeous, he didn’t seem to believe me. He thought it was a lie to make him feel better about himself.

It suddenly felt like such a burden to hold it all inside. I wanted him to know that he is loved; I wanted to make him feel confident about himself again. To do that, I put our friendship at risk and ventured the biggest heartbreak of my life.

I confessed to him, there and then. I took his hands, looked into his eyes and said, “Minhyun, you think no one loves you? I love you. No, I am in love with you.”

He didn’t understand at first. He didn’t even seem to conceive the possibility that I was gay for him. When I explained that I liked him the way he liked Yooyoung, he told me that I didn’t. He studied my face for a bit and he saw that I was as serious as I’ll ever be.

“Don’t lie to make me feel better” was his reply.

“I’m not lying,” I affirmed before putting my arms around him and resting my head on his shoulder. I then clarified finally that I was gay for him. Only then did it sink in, and his mouth hung open and he freaked out.

“No. No. No!” he yelled continuously at me, avoiding my imploring gaze. “Don’t say that. You’re not in love with me. It’s a sin. It’s illegal. It’s weird and it’s just wrong!”

He then pushed me away from him and stormed into his room, locking the door behind him.

I had thought that I had lost the most important person in my life at that moment. It was so painful to think that our friendship had essentially been ruined because of my confession. So painful, it actually made me cry. I cried for only a few minutes, when he finally came out of his room and saw me in that state.

I don’t cry. Never in front of anyone at least. I think Minhyun felt guilty seeing me in that sate. He sat in the space that he had previously occupied and cleared his throat.

“I don’t want to make you feel the way Yooyoung made me feel. It feels bad to be rejected, and hyung I don’t want you to feel like that. I accept your heart so please don’t feel like that.”

I stuttered in response, too surprised to mutter anything coherent. He wiped my tears with his thumb and then his eyes flickered and landed on my lips. He gulped before he hesitantly leaned into my face and pecked my lips gently. I was frozen in place. I could not conceive what was happening to me at the moment. When he leaned in again, I almost violently pushed him away when it all hit me what was happening.

I told him he shouldn’t be doing this: being with me out of sympathy. I told him I was not worth it. By accepting me, I told him he’s getting himself into an unconditional relationship. Being with me, he would have to face his parents’ disapproval and society’s wrath. I didn’t want him to go through with all of that. I told him that if he didn’t love me in that way, he shouldn’t do this.

I think I confused him. He sat there looking perplexed and unsure.

I realized that I had burdened him with making a decision, so I made the decision for him. I told him to forget I ever confessed. He nodded sheepishly and then walked away into his bedroom. I think he’s asleep now.

Strangely, I don’t feel so heartbroken. On the contrary, I feel relieved that Minhyun didn’t hate me for being what I am. I’m relieved he liked me enough to even consider going into this relationship with me. I’m relieved that I had probably taken his mind off of Yooyoung now…

I’m pretty sure our relationship from now on will change though. That’s what’s worrying me right now. I sincerely hope that we don’t grow distant because of the awkwardness.