she hasn't texted him for two weeks and normally he wouldn't think much of it because, after all - she's busy, he's busy, they're all busy. this is their job now, being busy, that is.

but this time it's different. it's the sixth sense, sehun calls it. he says that it's the worst time of the month, when jongin suddenly gets these feelings and his normally rock-hard sense of focus gets broken up into anxiety and confusion, i don't feel like sleeping and everyone leave me alone, and heartache and regret. this time it's different because it has happened a few times too many, and frankly, he's tired.

the last text sent between them is from jongin, as always. he's used to it by now, her struggle to keep her distance and his own struggle between letting her go and holding her close. either way, it's heartbreak for the both of them, and he thinks that growing up only complicates things.

(they are too young when they meet each other. hormones running through their veins, fearless. they're not afraid of getting in trouble, and even the threat of getting caught is exhilarating for them.

the first time they hold hands, they share a secretive smile between them, and the way she shyly looks up to him is forever etched in his memory. that smile has long since disappeared, as well as the simplicity associated with it.

"hey jongin?" she whispers.

their fingers interlace and he rubs the back of her palm with his thumb. "yeah?"

"what are we?"

he purses his lips. "we are just us, i suppose." it sounds dumb coming out of his mouth but that's the most he could come up with.

thankfully, soojung accepts this answer. "i like us."

and that's that - clean, pure, simple.)

he can't pinpoint when exactly his answers stopped sufficing and the basic premise of what they were left a bitter taste in both of their mouths. none of it is ever enough anymore. 

we'll be adults soon, is soojung's excuse. and he knows it sounds dumb coming out of but it's the most they could both come up with.

this time the question comes not in words but in cold hands that no longer want to hold each other and the look of fear in their eyes and their inability to do anything about it. the answer comes with half-hearted kisses to test whether it still feels the same, but it doesn't (and they both know it).

(the day she leaves him is not as dramatic as he'd imagined in his nightmares. 

"i think that's it," she murmurs. tears welling up in her eyes, but no sobs escape her chapped lips, and it's better that way. 

jongin nods, resigned. he had thought that when this day came, he would be fighting with his last breath to keep her by his side, teeth and skin. "good luck," he says back, voice unsure.

soojung smiles. "you too. you've got things going for you, jongin. i'll see you at the top."

that is, if we both make it, jongin thinks. "go and kill it out there with your debut," he replies curtly, and he's oddly composed.

and it ends just like that. it's only after she's long gone that he realizes that he's shaking.)

the thing about love is that it's not simple. he was a fool to believe that life and love could be simple, back then. so when they finally start keeping up some semblance of a friendship two years after the fact, jongin doesn't know what to think.

soojung messages him as if nothing had happened: hey, what's up? he considers saying something lame like, the sky, instead of actually telling her what's on his mind (you. i've been thinking about you, soojung. all this time). he decides on the cliche answer and goes with the flow because pretending is better than nothing.

(it is only when their promotion cycles overlap with rum pum pum pum and growl that things pick up pace (and so does his heartbeat). back stage escapades and hushed whispers and warm laughs - and it's kind of like the old days.

they let themselves revel in that fantasy, if only for a few weeks.

"do you ever miss it?" jongin asks one day.

"what do you mean?"

"back then," he gulps, not sure of her response.

silence. she avoids his stare. "sometimes."

he wants to say something more, maybe about how the possibility is still -

"but i shouldn't," she interrupts his thoughts. "we shouldn't," she finishes softly. the look in her eyes is pleading, like she doesn't want to mean what she's saying, but she has to.

he knows what she means. shoulders hunched with the burden of responsibility, the obligation to please everyone else but themselves, and they have no choice.

"we're older now," she whispers. it's exactly what she said two years ago, but jongin doesn't know if he did any growing up during the lapsing time anyway. he's still a young boy, but soojung had always made him feel more like a man. 

he now realizes that they both have a lot of growing up to do.)

jongin stares numbly at his phone. 

"look, jongin, i don't want to burst your bubble but -"

"sehun, please, just shut up," jongin mumbles, burying his face under the bed comforter.

"i can't, not when you're -"

"i'm fine!" jongin finally bursts out. "i'm fine. she's fine. we're fine. everyone's fine," he mutters to himself over and over again. he should be used to pain by now. it is one of the only constants in his life. you would think that as you grow up, you would figure out how to deal with it, but adulthood never taught him that.

he almost thinks that school or training academies never really teach you what you actually need. when they were younger and in love, they weren't scared of getting hurt. they didn't calculate the scars and certainly did not prepare any kind of antiseptic. now all he does is calculate and calculate and calculate, and that's why nothing happens. he's too busy thinking about what can and will go wrong that he doesn't have the willpower to act.

"jongin."

"can you please just leave me alone," he pleads. he doesn't need another person to intrude in his thoughts, as if being in the show biz gives him enough of that.

so sehun finally leaves and jongin's free to pull out his phone and scroll through old texts again. there's one she sent a few months ago that reads, "something just occurred to me today." 

"what?" he had replied.

"we're complete and utter fools," is her blunt answer.

and jongin cannot agree more. time may have made them into adults, but it certainly didn't make them stronger. time may have forced them to mature, but it certainly didn't make them any smarter.

fools, because they still love each other. 

fools, because they're not brave enough to pursue anything further than this joke of a push-and-pull relationship. 

fools, because they even thought they had a chance in the first place.

(and it sounds dumb coming out of his mouth but it's the most they could both come up with, and he thinks that some things are just not meant to be understood.)

a/n: wrote this a while ago for the kpop-het ficathon. will slowly post the drabbles i wrote on there either here or in my misc collection the journal of blue skies and rainy days (check it out if you're interested in other pairings!) :D also while i'm at it, some more shameless promo for my ((gasp)) fluff collection for my newbie otps: jr/suzy, jb/hyejeong, yugyeom/yerin, mark/ayeon, seunghoon/irene/mino, hyuk/joy { let's soar } <3