He's never been that good at telling stories. All his life, he has kind of stuttered his way through, thinking a bit too hard before opening his mouth or sometimes not thinking at all and making a fool of himself. But for this story, he knows one day that he'll tell it - to who exactly, he doesn't know.

 

He wonders if whoever he tells it to would argue that he was a fool for being too optimistic, or too intense, or too stubborn. After all, he does have the habit of forgetting to think. But he quickly shoots that idea down because he knows that no one can be a fool to love Jung Soojung.

 

He walks down memory lane and the beginning is as vivid as ever because his heart is pounding and his ears are also booming, even when he thinks of it now, and he smiles a bitter smile because at that point in time, never in his life would he had imagined how everything would play out.

 

Jung Soojung, a name imprinted in his heart, dust covering the crevices, hoping to be long forgotten but undeniably there. He doesn't realize that he's been carving her name on his heart until it's too late and everything comes crashing down over him, and by then, her name is forever etched there and he doesn't have the heart to erase it.

 

(For Jongin, the defining moment is not the first time he meets her, or the first time he sees her with make-up on, or the first time he hears her sing. For him, the start of the story takes place in one of those drug stores where they sell practically everything and he's following her trail as she weaves through the aisles looking for band-aids. She's biting her bottom lip and her eyebrows are crinkled in concentration, and it makes him half-amused and half-intrigued why she would make such a big deal out of such a tedious task.

 

"You don't understand. Band-aids are one of the greatest inventions in human history. They have the ability to comfort, to protect a wound, to heal all hurt, physical and emotional. It's a symbolism thing; of course you wouldn't understand," she explains matter-of-factly as she continues scanning the shelves.

 

Her explanation is so hard to wrap his mind around that it gives him whiplash, but he's amazed at how she can read so much into the simple things in life. It gives him a sense of awe, and perhaps - perhaps that's when it happens. When his heart begins to grow curious about this girl before him and it gets to the point of almost no return.

 

"How about purple band-aids?" he suggests. "The color seems pretty."

 

He waves the box in her face and her eyes light up, and he can't help but to smirk in victory at her approval. She shoves him in the shoulder then, and he doesn't want to say that it hurts but it does.

 

Not that he minds, anyway.)

 

 

 

 

 

It was the tipping point, and he didn't care that he was falling (in love). He thinks now that he should have cared, maybe. But he's falling and falling and there comes a point when gravity just overtakes him and he can't do anything at all.

 

He enjoys the ride.

 

He falls for her when she would check up on him in the morning after a long night of dance practice (jongin, i know this is your dream but i'm worried about your health, she says. he mumbles something incoherent but in the haze of his sleepiness he still remembers the way she rubs his back and gives him a massage to make all the soreness go away).

 

He falls for her when she makes the effort to get to know him more even when he feels like shunning all civilization for days at a time (i don't feel like talking to anyone right now, he mutters underneath his breath, shoving his ear buds in. well, if you need anything, i'm always here to talk, alright? and she smiles at him encouragingly and he gets lost in her eyes).

 

He falls for her even when he's exhausted and it's the dead of night but they're out on a balcony staring at whatever night stars they can see and they're talking about everything and nothing in particular all at the same time (tell me about your dreams, soojung. and she gazes into the distance and answers, all i want - all i want is a best friend who will be with me through thick and thin. someone i can call home. and that's when he allows himself to imagine what it'd be like if he were that person, and suddenly he's falling way too fast but he's still not complaining).

 

Those were the glory days, and they passed so fast that it was a blur, like the view outside the subway train whenever he would send her home.

 

("Okay, let's go," she says, and she gives him a smile that lights up his galaxy.

 

It's getting late and there's not that many people at the subway station. "I wonder when we'll make it," he murmurs softly as they sit next to each other.

 

She turns to him curiously. "In due time, Jongin. We'll make it soon." And he knows she thinks he's talking about their debuts but he wonders if she knows that he's talking about them.

 

He looks out the window and it's just endless stretches of dark gray concrete with the occasional graffiti.

 

Motion blur, the glory days.)

 

 

 

 

 

The confession comes out in a jumbled mess even though he thinks about it for days in advance and it's the classic example of him being tongue-tied at the most crucial moments in life (you're more than i ever imagined, soojung. i think... i'm falling for you and i can't stop. tell me not to stop, soojung. she's looking at him with eyes wide in surprise and they both can't look away, and the electricity in the air is too hard for him to ignore).

 

What comes after is a kind of limbo that is at once exciting but also excruciatingly painful. When you are a boy in love, you notice things you don't usually notice. Did she smile more brightly when she greeted him than when she greeted Sehun? Did she not flinch away when he nonchalantly wrapped his arm around her on the way to the cafeteria? Did she call him on purpose when she was locked out of her place and needed a place to stay because Jinri was on a once-a-year break to spend time with her family, accidentally taking the spare key with her?

 

You start imagining the future and over-analyzing everything that happens. You normally don't do this but she's the one and only exception, and all of a sudden you swear she might start liking you back but you don't want to jump to conclusions just yet. All you can do is keep pouring yourself out, loving her more, loving, loving, loving - until your heart is bleeding with your love for her and it's just an exhausting cycle because she's your band-aid and yet you just keep bleeding and bleeding, wanting her to notice you more.

 

It's a tiresome but exhilarating cycle that he willingly puts himself through because he's laying all of it on the table and he'll take the risk as long as it's Jung Soojung.

 

He's not prepared, then, when she practically flips the table upside down.

 

("I-I just don't think I can do this anymore, Jongin." Her eyes are glued to the floor and her words feel like a lead weight tied around his neck.

 

All he hears is the pounding in his ears because he's been totally blind-sided and he never thought - he never thought it would turn out like this. He had put everything on the line and she's completely erasing that line now.

 

He swallows. "Why? Did I do anything wrong?" His voice is about to crack.

 

His breath gets caught in his throat when her eyes meet his, and he notices that she's peering at him through a film of tears. "N-no," she lowers down to a whisper, hoarse and painful. "You're perfect. You're fine."

 

Then why? He clenches his fist in frustration. No, no, this can't be happening. "I don't understand. I've given you my everything. We're finally standing on the same stage. I get to see you more often now. We were so -"

 

"You're so good to me; you didn't do anything wrong," she cuts in. "It's all my problem. I'm sorry, Jongin." A quiet sob escapes her lips and his heart breaks.

 

"Please don't cry, Soojung. I really hate to see you cry." He's trying to hold his own tears back.

 

"T-this, wow," she says between sobs. "This is embarrassing. I'm sorry."

 

"Stop saying that, that you're sorry. I - I..." His voice is shaking and his breathing becomes more ragged.

 

"Hmm?" she looks at him, a question in her eyes.

 

He's waging an inner war within himself. He loves her, he really does - but his soul is crushed and he doesn't know how to face her anymore. He has to choke the words out. "If this is your decision, then I will respect it."

 

He's staring at her intensely, dreading her answer. A pit forms in his stomach.

 

"Yes," she whispers. The sting that it strikes in his heart is tormenting.

 

He gulps, trying to get a grip on himself when he feels like breaking down right then and there. His eyes dart all over the place - anywhere but in her direction - before returning her gaze once more.

 

He knows this has to be goodbye.

 

He stiffly nods. "Bye, Soojung. I guess that's all."

 

Jongin has to force himself to walk out of the room, not even sparing one last glance back for fear he would never be able to leave.

But he needs to, because maybe that's what she wanted out of this anyway and it hurts so bad.)

 

 

 

 

 

The war doesn't end when he leaves her behind, however. Every minute is a new internal battle and he doesn't know why he let himself fall in so deep in the first place. His heart says one thing but his mind says another. He had invested too much time and energy into their relationship and to have her just - throw away everything like that - he just can't imagine ever being close friends with her again, or else the pain would be too much.

 

He loves her, he still does. He doesn't think he can stop. Part of him wants to run to her, to beg on his knees for her to give him one last chance, but there's a difference between what he wants and what's good for him.

 

He takes a deep breath and sets his jaw in determination. He's going to choose what's good for him.

 

(He tries not to dwell too much on the reality that both their groups are preparing for their summer comebacks at the same time. But the truth is, that fact is driving him crazy and all he can do is channel all of that pent-up tension into his dancing.

 

He's still perfecting his moves with Sehun when Amber announces f(x)'s entrance into their practice room, and he winces when he sees Soojung drag her feet through the door as well. He can feel her stare boring into the back of his head.

 

"Crap," he mutters to himself, glaring at the floor so she's not in his line of vision anymore.

 

But even so, out of the corner of his eye, he can see in the mirror reflection that she's stalked out of the room, her hair flying out behind her. It's another rip in his wounds but he forces his feet to stay rooted to the ground.

 

He tells himself that he didn't want to see her anyway.)

 

 

 

 

 

Even after she is long gone, the questions still gnaw at the back of his mind. What did he do wrong? Was he too forward? Did she fall for the flattery and not for him? The thoughts are so overwhelming that he resolves not to think too much about it at all.

 

So he floats through the days like a programmed robot, doing everything just for the sake of getting by when his mind is obviously elsewhere.

 

Everything becomes numb.

 

("Jongin, what's wrong with you these days?" Junmyeon's lips are turned into a frown as he presses the pause button on the stereo. "You're our main dancer and yet you're half-assing everything."

 

He runs a hand through his hair and he has no words. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. He mentally slaps himself because he needs to get better, he needs to get over this, he needs to freaking do his job correctly without being sidetracked.

 

Junmyeon sighs. "Five minute break, everyone," he calls out. He then looks at Jongin. "I know you're not feeling that well but I hope you can step up your game."

 

"Don't worry, I will," Jongin replies, gritting his teeth.

 

He can, and he will.)

 

 

 

 

 

When his manager tells him that he's assigned by the company to take part in f(x)'s new album photo shoot, his jaw drops all the way to the ground and he has the worst migraine of his life.

 

"I hate everything," he yells as he face-plants onto his bed. He swallows some painkillers that Sehun had left at his bedside.

 

He contemplates begging for someone else to do it but he knows it's ultimately the company's decision. He really hates the entire situation because he's not ready - not ready to face her again.

 

But he finds himself getting dressed in a red plaid shirt and jeans and walking into the shooting area, and his heart is beating so erratically that he thinks he might faint right at that moment. Alright, Jongin, think rationally, he chastises himself. He might not even get paired with her, right? (But he knows that he will and perhaps there's a reason why he didn't refuse to come.)

 

When he first gets a glimpse at her, he's blinded by the bold redness of her hair and it reminds him of bleeding and band-aids and how he had loved (and still loves) her so passionately and now all he feels is an insidious anger because none of that worked out. But he knows that just because he had poured everything out for her doesn't mean that he's entitled to her love, and that is probably the truth that is the hardest to accept.

 

He gets mad at himself for even being angry about the situation in the first place because it's not her fault that she doesn't love him back. All the conflicted feelings are churning in his stomach and his facial muscles freeze in place (cold, dreamy, nonchalant) because he can't let anyone know - he can't let her know - so even when her arms are wrapped around his neck, he pretends that he doesn't feel the warmth spreading throughout his body and the goosebumps on his skin.

 

He's a good pretender. Soojung is too, and later he thinks that maybe she was pretending the whole time and their whole relationship had been a lie.

 

(He knows it's not true though, and that she had probably really cared and she probably still does, but he can't bring himself to admit it.

 

Jongin goes home and Kyungsoo has to give him a massage because he's been tense the entire day and it's just too much Soojung all at once. He's mentally and physically exhausted.

 

He wants to know when this will all end.)

 

(Kyungsoo turns out to be a pretty good masseuse but he can't get out of his mind the memories of Soojung kneading all the knots out of his back instead.

 

And all of a sudden he remembers staring into her eyes during the photo shoot and getting lost in them like he always does and that's when he knows that it's far from the end.)

 

 

 

 

 

He can't wait to start Growl promotions so he can spend most of his time at the broadcasting stations, because it sure as heck is better than being in the same building as Soojung all the time. He's about to fall asleep the night before their first comeback stage when his phone vibrates, and for some reason a sense of foreboding washes across his senses.

 

Something tells him that he hasn't avoided her completely.

 

 

His fingers are trembling as he reads her text and it's the same adrenaline rush as always, despite his attempts to get over her. He debates with himself whether to reply at all.

 

It hits him, then. How he misses her like crazy and how he hasn't been blind to the way her eyes had been following him from afar, how he can feel her presence from meters away, how when he posts random things on his private blog, his heart aches because he knows that if they were still on good terms, Soojung would like certain posts and then comment on them and call him a freak. Or some other backhanded insult.

 

But she won't - not anymore - and he doesn't know what to feel: to feel sad that he knows what her reactions would be but he won't be able to see them or to feel relieved because at least her name won't appear in the notifications and make his heart skip a beat like it always used to.

 

Jongin knows though, that it's no use, since she's always on his mind lately anyway.

 

Yes, he misses her, and he supposes that she deserves a reply, at least. Especially since he's been giving her the cold shoulder all this time.

 

 

His reply is short, disjointed, just like his feelings. It shocks even himself how emotionless it sounds, but he decides that it's better this way. It gives them a little distance, gives him a little breathing room.

 

Jongin hopes it's the last text she ever sends him.

 

(He makes himself hold the torrent of tears in, because he doesn't want to wake up on his comeback day with puffy eyelids, but one lone tear trickles down his cheek anyway.

 

He loves Soojung, he really does.

 

But he's scared - scared out of his wits of being hurt even more when it feels like he's already being ripped to shreds and he can't take that chance anymore. And he knows that she's probably hurting too and it's all his fault.

 

He hates himself for that.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin remembers that he's good at pretending so he puts on a smile for the cameras and he puts everything he has into the music. Between pre-recordings and live recordings and various shows, he's left breathless and exhausted but at least it's for a different reason this time. He is a workaholic during promotion periods, and he's thankful for that fact.

 

But sometimes, when there's down time in the waiting room, the thought of her slowly creeps into his mind and it's just a plague that he can't get rid of. It gets worse when f(x) makes their comeback and soon enough she is a few doors down yet again and he wonders why life is so cruel to him.

 

He still remembers. Remembers all their inside jokes, all their memories, when he meets her glance on accident and all he wants to do is forget, because it feels like a headache is coming on again and he never meant for Soojung to be synonymous with pain.

 

Jongin must be masochistic, then, when he allows himself to give in to temptation and start rebuilding a semblance of a friendship between them again. Every connected gaze is another piercing in his heart. Every tiny smile that she gives him sends back a tidal wave of emotions that he can't process. He reaches out to high-five her in the hallway and he tries not to feel the jolt of electricity that shoots down his arm afterward.

 

It hurts so good.

 

He can't stop himself, and that makes him nervous.

 

(Her group wins on Inkigayo and the look of surprise on her face is enthralling, and he still can't get over how smoothly her hair falls over her shoulders and the slight blush in her cheeks.

 

Her lips look especially kissable today. His heart is performing somersaults and he wants to hold her in his arms -

 

He blinks, having realized that he's been walking toward her unknowingly and she's looking at him now. No, no, no, they're on camera, he can't -

 

She smiles at him, like she's expecting something, but Jongin knows she's in for disappointment. He's always been a disappointment to her.

 

 

He measures the time in between his breaths, telling himself to stay calm when really he feels like burying himself in the ground. He grits his teeth and turns away, walking briskly to the other side of the stage. Away, away, away.

 

He knows she's looking at him as he's leaving but the last thing he can do is look back at her or else he'd be trapped in her gaze forever, and he doesn't know what he would do, then - and on live TV, too.

 

It breaks his heart.

 

But he's not going to admit that any time soon.)

 

(His relationship with Soojung had always been an off-camera thing so he finds himself smiling to her as she walks by backstage and he doesn't know why he does it but it feels kind of like the old days.

 

He's not quite sure what to think about that.)

 

 

 

 

 

He misses her more than ever one night and he's a blubbering mess of tears as he glares daggers at his phone screen, staring at her number. He can't make himself do it - no matter how much he wants to hear her voice, hear her tell him that he's going to be alright, that they're going to be alright. He's afraid of what he might say, or whether he will forget how to even speak at all. Will he scare her away again with his intensity? (The fire in his heart is still burning strong and that scares him too, so he can't blame her.)

 

There are simply too many risks involved and Kim Jongin is done taking risks for now because obviously the last time he took a risk, it broke the friendship that he treasured the most. But he tells himself that it's for his own good, that he cut her off. If she doesn't want it, if it's not going to work out, the smart thing to do is to get out before he's in too deep and he's unable to recover, right?

 

He has a hard time convincing himself of that. He thinks it's selfish, the way he's thinking, but he's been walking the border between selfishness and selflessness anyway. Selfless, for giving so much to her - selfish, for wanting her to love him back.

 

Maybe he can afford to be selfish for once.

 

(There's finally no schedules the next day so he allows himself to let it all out.

 

He wakes up the next morning with puffy eyelids and he spends the whole day watching videos on Youtube just to distract himself.

 

He wonders if as long as he keeps repeating to himself that he's okay, if he'll really get better.)

 

 

 

 

 

The last time he sees her in a long while is when f(x) visits EXO's waiting room. He takes one glance in her direction and he finds oxygen hard to come by - so much so that he has to get up and leave the room completely. He doesn't understand why her presence still has such a profound effect on him.

 

"Jongin."

 

He looks up from his place against the hard ground. It's Sehun.

 

"Are you okay?" he asks.

 

Jongin doesn't say anything.

 

"Who am I kidding...I know the answer anyway," Sehun mutters to himself, taking a seat on the floor next to him, the cold wall pressed against his back.

 

"I just - I don't know what I'm doing." Jongin takes a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

 

"You want to get over her."

 

He nods, glumly. He just wants to be okay again.

 

"I'm not really an expert at that," Sehun sighs. "But we're best friends, right? I'll help you in whatever way I can."

 

And that's when Jongin knows that no matter how much of a brat Sehun can be, he's still one of his best friends and he's immensely thankful for that.

 

"I really appreciate it."

 

Sehun gives him the best smile he can muster and they sit there in silence, watching people walk by.

 

There's an odd sense of peace that settles into his heart then, and he supposes that's a start.

 

("Hey, Sehun?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Let's go somewhere to eat." It's almost midnight but he reckons that his manager will let him go just this once, if they're careful.

And so they head to one of those small eateries on the side of a secluded road, and it's just them. Their meandering conversations last long into the night, and for the first time in a long while, he feels genuinely happy.

 

Maybe that's all Jongin ever needed.)

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun is the one who suggests maybe writing his feelings down instead of keeping them all pent up inside of him. He asks Sehun where he got that idea from and he says Junmyeon, because Junmyeon reads those inspirational motivational books all the time and Jongin probably needs inspiration and motivation right about now.

 

Jongin can't exactly argue with that.

 

So he gets out a piece of paper and starts writing.

 

Jung Soojung. He has to pause there because even just writing down her name reminds him of an unsent love letter that he wrote to her before everything went down. His hand is shaking as he continues. She is the love of my life. I feel like she's all I've ever known. I know that's not true, but it sure feels that way.

 

 

 

 

He puts down his pen and just sits there, a weight lifted off his shoulders.

 

(Later that night, he digs through his drawer to find the unsent love letter that he wrote, eyes tearing up as he reads confession after confession, declaration after declaration, story after story. It's funny though, how the pain is a bit more subdued, no longer as raw and cutting into his skin.

 

I want to be the one that you can call home, he had written.

 

A bittersweet smile graces his lips.

 

Maybe, maybe he will be.

 

Only time will tell.)

 

 

 

 

 

It is an end that's not an end. He feels like he's been waiting for this moment for forever. There's a feeling in his gut the moment he wakes up that morning. The sun is out, bright and shining, and the warmth seeps through his bones.

 

He knows it's the day when he hears that f(x) will also be at the company building while his own group is preparing for their winter album. He knows because he understands Jung Soojung like the back of his hand and she'll accidentally-on-purpose bump into him, or the other way around. Either way, there's a sense of resignation but also relief because he's finally come to terms with the fact that life might not be what he imagined in his head and that he always needs to hold his plans and aspirations out with an open palm.

 

He's walking toward the practice rooms with a few of s when he sees her in the hallway, his breath choked in mid-air. She looks stunning as ever, wearing black skinny jeans and a light blouse on top.

 

For a few seconds, their gazes meet and he's still in love with her. He's still in love with her, but he's okay now.

 

He smiles at her. He's beginning to let go.

 

She tears her gaze away and it leaves his heart beating a little too fast for his liking. All he can hear now are her footsteps against the floor as she walks past.

 

The door closes behind her. Click.

 

That's how it ends, and it is oddly refreshing.

 

Jongin knows that their paths will intersect in some way later on, or maybe they won't. Either way, he doesn't think he will stop loving her completely.

 

But that doesn't mean that he will keep hurting.

 

Time heals, and that's what he's betting on.

 

(A year or so later, nothing and everything has changed. She dyes her hair blonde and it's quite the shocker. He hears from Taemin that she seems interested in Minho nowadays and he lets it happen because he knows they'd always been close due to their common interests. She has finally found someone that she loves with everything she has, and maybe Jongin is more than alright with that.

 

It's been a year, and he's been okay, and there's nobody to tell him that he can't be okay for the rest of his life. He learns that he can keep going, long after he thinks he can't.

 

He looks at her from across the stage at the SMTown concert, and it's one of those moments when all the past memories come flooding back. He embraces them, though, allowing himself to smile. Because not everyone has the privilege of loving Jung Soojung, and not everyone has the privilege of getting their hearts broken by her.

 

Jongin is one of the lucky ones.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

a/n: wrote a lot of kaistal this summer. hope you enjoyed the kai version of the previous chapter. i wrote this yesterday night and this morning, trying to finish it before i leave for college tomorrow. i'm driving up early tomorrow morning and it'll be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. it'll be hard adjusting though. crazy that i'm going to live away from home. because of the transition though, consider this the last hurrah from me in a while. don't know how often i will be able to write, but we'll see!

thank you for your comments <3