Day 319

The doctors say that your dementia is progressing faster than expected. More empty promises on my end. Who am I kidding - I can't save you.

Today you asked me who the guy in the picture was - the picture placed on our living room table. I didn't have the heart to tell you it was your best friend, Huang Zi Tao. I didn't want you to break down again, falling apart like every other time.

I'm getting tired of reminding you. My heart is weary from wiping away your tears - promising that nothing bad can happen, but I can't go - you're too precious.

Yi Fan had managed to read to the second journal, and he was starting to rip apart from the inside out. He was coming undone, page by page - word by word. Seo Joohyun. Seo Joohyun. Her name became a mantra upon his lips, his dinner forgotten - his appetite gone. He no longer slept enough, often staying up all night trying to read everything. Over and over again, he didn't know - maybe there was a hidden message or something.

There had to be a reason why he wanted to flip tables and break vases when he read these journals . His frustration was accompanied by a gentle knocking upon a heavy wall in his mind. He had to take that wall down somehow; he felt that there was something massive hiding, lurking behind that closed fortress of his mind. 

Day 320

You woke up crying beside me today, bringing me into a bone crushing embrace.

"I'll forget you too Seo! I - I can't - I can't hold on to you forever," you had whimpered into the quiet - your eyes piercing into me. 

You kissed me on the forehead, trailing gently down to my salty eyes, fluttering eyelashes - down to my collarbones, the birthmark on my side. You marked every one of my fingers - as if imprinting yourself upon me.

I don't know about you Kris - but I won't forget. I won't forget. 

He slammed the journal in anger - running out of his home into his white Audi. Tossing the journal into the passenger seat, he sped down the lane onto the main road, revving the car and going almost ninety miles per hour. He was angry, hurt - irritated by the intimacy of the diary. He couldn't comprehend his anger, he didn't even know who this damn Kris was. 

He blindly drove, not knowing where he was headed - which lane he was in. Yi Fan's conscience weakly attempted at slowing him down - but was pushed down back behind his turbulent emotions. The road was slick, a slight drizzle trickling into the windshielf.

Yi Fan didn't care - he just continued to speed along. 

After a good half hour of driving in random circles, traversing half of Seoul in blind fury - he calmed down a bit to realize he was lost. It was four thirty on a Thursday - no one was around. Except for the club that he spotted a few storefronts down. 

Nah. Not right now. 

Though this place felt familiar - he kept thinking of a girl in a tight red dress, jet black hair that matched nicely with her stilletos. Yi Fan didn't know why - like someone was slowly drilling a hole into the brick wall, warm thoughts began trickling in - piece by piece, image by image.

He had been here with Joohyun before. 

Yi Fan quickly got out of the car, breaking into a jog and bursting into the club. What a strange atmosphere. The music blared, sweat and sin mingled in every corner - the place reeked of cigarettes and liquor. Yi Fan didn't know what he had hoped to accomplish barging into this place - to have girls throw themselves at him as he crossed the dance floor?

"Hey Kris!" A voice piped up from the bar, a handsome man was waving at him as he struggled through the crowd. "Long time no see - where's Seohyun?"

Yi Fan looked at him, dazed - "Do I know you?" 

"Yah! You don't come here for a year and then you go and forget your university buddy? Heartless bastard," the guy jested - obviously joking.

Yi Fan furrowed his eyebrows, insulted - "Don't talk to me so casually. And whose Seohyun?"

The guy scoffed, slightly infuriated by Yi Fan's tone. "Yah - are you stupid? Get hit on the head or something? Your girlfriend? The one you vowed to love forever - get married and have like a million babies with? wait a bit, I'll take you home - you're drunk already."

Yi Fan scowled, "I'm not drunk - and I don't need your help." He then marched back out of the club, sliding back into his car and sinking heavily into the seat - head on the steering wheel. He glanced over at the journal, the moonlight spilling in through the car window. He flipped it open again.

Day 401

You didn't respond to Kris today.

"Why are you calling me that? Call me Yi Fan," you said while looking at me like I was crazy.

It was like a curse on my lips, like I was erasing the man I knew. But of course I obliged.

Anything to see you happy, to keep you here. Even if it meant that I had to call you by a different name.