Woohyun touches his neck softly, as though it would burst any second.

Perhaps it would.

He folds the doctor’s note into a neat little square, and rips it into shreds. Vocal nodes. He swallows the pain, the burden, the secret.

It’s hard being main vocal.

Woohyun has always been by Sunggyu’s side, whether it was that original hateful battle for the position of main vocal, or the now more subtle battle to simply get through the day.

Sunggyu can trust Woohyun more than anyone in the world.

But Sunggyu can’t trust Woohyun with this. And that’s why Woohyun won’t entrust it to him. That’s why Woohyun will keep singing, not because the burden of being main vocal would be too much to add onto the burdens of being the leader.

Sunggyu can’t trust Woohyun to take care of himself.

When Sunggyu passes a water bottle to him from under the table, distracting the radio host with a smile and a meaningless anecdote, when Sunggyu pretends everything is okay until the last of the members have left, when Sunggyu practically begs for it to be nothing more than a cold, Woohyun wonders.

Perhaps, it is Sunggyu who has always been by Woohyun’s side.

Sunggyu’s voice is like smooth chocolate, and Woohyun revels in the feeling. “Clean up your room!” Well he does most of the time at least.

Today, he smiles and does as he’s told. He makes his bed. He does a load of laundry. He doesn’t argue with Sunggyu. The vocal node doesn’t act up until two hours of practice have passed.

That’s improvement.

Contrary to the doctor’s orders, Woohyun finds himself in the practice room more than ever. His vocals are strained, and his throat always feels like the desert storms have passed through and left nothing but the mirage of an oasis.

He goes through bottle after bottle of water, the carcass of empty plastic growing behind him, but his throat feels dry and the air feels heavy. He wonders if this is what guilt feels like.

Dongwoo is the first to say something about it. He’s the lips after all. But the most Woohyun is willing to give him is a request for more water. The plastic mound grows. The storm has not ended.

Hoya drops by, but a couple of hearts and some cheesy lines sent him on his way. Woohyun downs a few more bottles of water after that. Perhaps he should have stopped after the hearts.

Sungjong sends him a smile from the corner, and drags Myungsoo to a different room. Woohyun isn’t sure whether to feel hurt Sungjong didn’t notice or thankful he doesn’t have to pretend longer. Sungyeol is called to Sungjong’s aide, citing the damsel in distress clause as justification for making Sungyeol move from the kitchen all the way to the bedroom. Woohyun is left alone in the large living room. Sunggyu returns home a minute later.

Maybe Sungjong did notice.

Woohyun is downing 500mg of Vitamin C, 8.5 liters of water, and numerous packets of red ginseng daily. When his voice cracks for the first time during recording instead of practice, Woohyun is scheduled for a one on one meeting with the CEO.

He hates meeting the CEO.

Dongwoo tries to calm his nerves. But Woohyun looks him in the eyes, opens his mouth to speak, and closes it with a cough. Dongwoo brings him another water bottle.

Woohyun hates meeting the CEO.

Woohyun walks in with his head hung low.

There are pages of sheet music plastering the conference desk. He’s much more confused, and no less terrified. There are faint pen marks on the papers. Names. Sunggyu. White chunks of verse. Hoya. Purple lines of rap. Sungjong. Scarce, but bright yellow.

The CEO’s finger taps against the massive blocks of red. Woohyun.

“If you sing every line, of course you’re going to end up with vocal nodes.” Woohyun lifts his head to protest. The finger moves to press play. The live performances stream through the room. Sweet, rich, white chocolate. Purple lines of rap. Scarce but bright yellow.

And beneath it all, the never stopping explosion of red.

Making it so that no one had to hold their own. Because he wouldn’t leave anyone on their own.

Sunggyu is the first one Woohyun sees when he gets back to the dorm. “It’s a cold, right Woohyunnie?” His back is blocking the door, giving Woohyun the few seconds he needs to regain his composure.

“Of course! I’m being given a week off to recover. Everything is going to be fine.”

Sungjong pulls Myungsoo and Sungyeol off to the bedrooms, you guys are just tall enough to reach that stuffed animal in the top shelf, ignoring their protests of being only a few centimeters taller than the giant maknae.

Woohyun doesn’t wait for Hoya and Dongwoo to clear out. His trembling fingers find Sunggyu’s stable ones. His feet find a room with a lock, any room with a lock. His arms find Sunggyu’s back. His body finds Sunggyu’s warmth.

It’s hard being main vocal.

Woohyun wonders whether or not it’s worth it.

His voice may never be the same. There’ll be weeks of recovery. And there’ll be months of media. And worst of all, there will be this endless corridor.

He wonders if the CEO makes this corridor long and narrow and unnecessarily cold on purpose.

But then he remembers those blocks of white. Those lines of purple. The scarce daffodils of yellow. He wants to be there for them. That’s why he’s here to begin with. And that’s why he wants to go on.

And there’s a part of him that knew –that knew when he started singing every part, that knew when he left the CEO’s office, that knows now –he’ll go through this surgery and sing his vocal chords to death only to have the surgery again if it means he can support them just a while longer.

He touches his neck softly, as though it would burst any second.

Perhaps it would.

But it was all he had. All he had to give. And he would give it all.

“CEO?” The boss looks up from his papers. “I’ll take that week off. For the surgery.” The boss nods. 

Sunggyu’s warmth accompanies him down the corridor. The members wishes follow him to the operating table, but it’s Sunggyu’s heartbreaking smile that pins him to it.

And there’s a part of him that knows, that knows how selfish he is.

It’s hard being main vocal.

But watching that smile fake strength, fake strength for him, Woohyun confirms what he knew all along.

It’s harder to see you hurt.

Thanks for reading and commenting and subscribing and being wonderful people. Oh and you guys made me break 200 subscribers. I kind of sort of love you all.

Also, thank you to Evangelynne for being the first person to upvote this story! My heart is happy. 

And deliberatemistake is amazing as per usual. She's made me a poster for every chapter of the story~ so get excited! Not only do you guys get my insecurity in the form of writing, but you also get delib's awesomeness in the form of y boy photos. Yeah~~~