Obsessive jealousy
Can't Say I Love YouA/N: I'm sorry guys.... This chapter was awfully written. I didn't know what to write so I ended up writing this stupid chap! T_T btw, I'm starting to think Seunghyun is a jerk! sorry again..
[Seunghyun POV]
The next morning I opened my eyes at the feeling of lips on my skin, at the sight of my beautiful man nuzzling my neck. John sensed me waking up so he elevated his head and smiled the magical smile of his at me.
“Morning sunshine,” He whispered, moving his thumb along my profile when my eyes chose to close again.
“Hey, I've been waiting for you to wake up for hours so don't dare to go back to sleep now.” he threatened, and I kept my eyes shut to .
“Oh you're challenging me then?” I can imagine him raising his thick eyebrow, teeth grazing on his full lower lip. He moved to blow soft kisses on my temple and murmured against my air. “As much as I want to accept the challenge, I can't. I have some places to go to and I need you to give me a ride.”
“Oooh it's my pleasure to give you a ride sir.” I said huskily, hands circling around his waist to pull him closer, lips stealing a kiss from those wine-red lips. A kiss lasted forever as our lips drove into each other, breathed each other, each one refusing to let the other go. But unfortunately ‘forever’ wasn't as long as I was hoping. He pushed himself away, panting, hair all over the place and he put a hand on his chest cooling himself down and struggling to find his voice.
“Let's continue this after breakfast, shall we?” He mumbled, still breathless. I watched the way his chest rose and fell unsteadily, the way his fingers touched the skin above his heart
“But you are my breakfast.” I said and winked at him. He rolled his eyes and cursed at me, asking my to clam the hell down. Specially after yesterday.
Yesterday was... mind-blowing. We stayed in bed the whole day, making out, making love and sometimes even whispering sweet nothing into each other's eras and just randomly talk about the wether or John's new fashion show. It was so good just to be surrounded by easy, friendly talk; not to feel shut out. And to be here by John's side, to see him smiling at me... I couldn't ask for more.
Back to present, I nodded and held my arms out to him. “Carry me” I whined and he laughed. He kissed me one last time on the cheek and rolled off me getting out of bed. My face broke into a smile when John's hands gently gripped my waist and lifted me up, carrying me bridal style.
“I don't wanna be rude Hyun, but I think you should lose some weight.” I punched him on the shoulder as he chuckled and pushed the door open with his foot, making his way to the living room. He placed me on the couch and headed to the kitchen, he came back moment after holding a tray.
“Why are you being too nice to me?” I blurted out, then winced and put a hand to my forehead. “I know how incredibly stupid that sounds,” I said helplessly, “but it's true. I mean, you're doing all this for me, and you're not getting anything back. I can't give you anything. And... I just can't understand why you fell for me in the first place.”
“I told you,” He said, and smiled. “You're like a drug to me. When I saw you for the first time, I just wanted to see you again, and every time my eyes landed on you, I carved you more. Your smile, the way you talk, your adorable dimple, everything. And besides,” He added, shrugging, “It doesn't feel like I'm getting nothing back. I'm always wondering why you are so nice to me, wondering if I'm the right choice for you. If I'm good enough.”
I threw a look at him, sitting at the end of the sofa with sunlight spilling over him, haloing him in brightness. His hair seemed literally to glow, and his profile was perfect, like a delicately carved diamond. Could John really not see?
“Well, I guess the fact that you always seem to try hard to please me could be part of it," I said. "People probably can't resist that. I, myself couldn't resist it. And I guess the fact that you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my entire life doesn't hurt, And believe me, you're the best choice for me." I added finally.
John burst out laughing. “I was trying to make you feel better, but now you're the one assuring me,” He said. Then he sobered, looking at down at his lap and playing with the tray. "But you know,” he said, and his voice was almost shy. Then he turned to me, his eyes so brilliantly brown that it took my breath away.
“You know, it's funny how when we met, we were both wishing to find a girlfriend, and neither of us did. We ended up finding each other instead.” he said. “And ever since I saw you in the restaurant... well, I've felt almost as if we knew each other for so long. It sounds strange, but it's true. I never told you that though.”
It didn't seem strange to me. Ever since I'd seen John, I'd felt as if we were connected in some way.
John was frowning slightly, chewing on his lip, his sight dropped to his lap again. From the outside, he might look like a confident guy who doesn't give a and if he wants to date a younger guy, then he will even if the whole world were against him. He might look so powerful, careless and awfully mean, but from the inside, he's the sweetest person I've ever met. He care for people and tries his best not to disappoint them. He's also insecure about himself... Just like me. Others couldn't see it maybe, but I did. Me and John are pretty much alike, never show who we really are except for the people we trust.. and I only trust him, so did he. Only trusted me.
“It's okay babe,” I managed to say after a minute. Then, heart singing, I smiled at him, shyly, but meeting his eyes directly. "We are perfect for each other.”
This morning was almost like the first day of school in excitement and anticipation. Having John with me after so long caused a weird feeling to form in my stomach. I don't care if everyone else in the entire world hates me, I thought. John will be there. Just thinking about that will make the rest not matter. But then, the fact that I'm gonna lose him soon hit me so hard I felt my heart cling. I called John's doctor last night after I made sure John was deeply asleep. He told me that there's only a couple of months left for John, he also told me that any kind of exhaustion, physically or mentally will shorten the period of the time he's got. I have no idea how I'm gonna deal with the situation, specially now that he knows I know. It's no longer a secret. I want to support him but in a way that won't make him feel like he's pathetic or something. I want to enjoy our time together without causing him any exhaustion, starting with lessen the .
“So,” John started talking first. “What are your plans for today?” he asked, sipping on his coffee.
“Nothing much, I'm gonna stay here with you I guess. Or we can go out if you want.” I paused, swallowing a mouthful of fried eggs. “What about you? Where do you want us to go?”
“Oh I can't today. Told you I already have plans.” he answered, attention focused on the plate in front of him.
“What plans?” I asked, almost panicking as John said so. I realized how stupid I must sounded when he gave me a weird look.
“Clam the hell down man. I'm just gonna go bring my luggages and head to my cousin's.” he said and put his fork on the counter.
“Your cousin? The one who looks like a panda?” I questioned while he got up carrying his plate and placing it in the sink.
“Yea, that's him. I'm gonna stay in his house a couple of days.” said John and sat down one more time.
“Said who young man?” I raised my eyebrows questioningly, voice raising a bit as well.
“First off, I'm not young. Secondly, I already promised him so don't tire yourself trying to talk me out of it.” He uttered and walked away. I followed him to the bathroom and stood leaning against the door frame.
“I can talk to your cousin and tell him that you can't go.” I suggested, hoping he would say yes, but he didn't.
“You can't. He's in Japan so I'm staying with his friend. According to Seungri, the guy needs company.” John answered and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what he said. He's gonna be staying with a total stranger, and worse, he seems fine with it.
“Are you kidding me? And you think I'm gonna let you go live in a house alone with another guy?” I inquired.
“Don't worry,” John said and paused to wash his hands and face. “Unlike you, I can keep my in my pants for a few days.”
I stood there not knowing what to say. I was already feeling bad for what I did, it was unforgivable, I know. But I had no choice, I was hopeless. John's absence caused my brain to shut down and left an aching in my heart. I had to forget him somehow. Fine, maybe that wasn't an excuse to do what I did. Maybe I did have a choice, but I was hurting so bad I couldn't think. It's been a while since I got intimated with anyone and there was a strong temptation ahead of me so I lost control. At one point, I couldn't distinguish right from wrong, and I admit being a jerk.
“Listen, I'm sorry, okay?” I said with a sigh, raising my eyes to the man before me and looked at him apologetically. “I know I can trust you, it's just... you are very charming. That man will fall for you, I know it. Everybody does.” And just like that, John started laughing and approached me, wrapping his arms around me and kissed my jaw.
“Hey, you don't-” he began speaking but I cut him off and distanced myself from his body.
“No no, listen to me.” I held his hands and persisted, tilting my head a little to the front as if I was trying to kiss him. “If you want to go there, then fine, I won't stop you. I only have one condition and you are in no position to refuse it. I think I should come live with you guys too. And before you say anything, I want you to know that I'm offering this because I want us to spend every second together before you have to leave.” I said and emitted a breath as he nodded and squeezed my hand.
“I'm totally fine with that, you gotta ask him first.” he said and laid a soft kiss on my jaw again. “And just so you know, I'm not going back anywhere. I'm staying here in Korea. With you.”
In the afternoon, we left my apartment for the hotel John was supposed to be staying in. John sat next to me in the car and started fiddling with his phone, obviously texting someone. I tired to steal a glance at the screen to see the identity of the person he was texting, he must have noticed because he immediately chuckled.
“He's Marius, you freak.” he muttered while typing the rest of the text message.
Truthfully, when it comes to John, I really act like some kind of a freak. An obsessed one. I hate seeing him hugging or speaking or even glancing at other guys. I have this fear that John might ditch me for one of those guys someday, I know he will. I only caused him troubles, since day one, I've been nothing but a trouble to him. Media criticized him for being in a relationship with a boy who's half his age. My father did everything to make his- our life an endless hell because he believed that John is the one who turned me into a queer. And now, he's dying. I can't help him, I have nothing to do about it. I had been a twisted knot of emotions since I found out about his disease.
“And why in hell are you talking to that bit-”
“Mind your language Hyun. He's a good guy, and he's helping me to run the company in Japan.” he said, still focusing all his attention to the device in his hands.
“What is the matter with you? You told me you fired him.” I snapped at him, the car suddenly jerking to the left.
“No, what the hell is matter with you? Can't you see you're acting crazy? I've been here for only one day and you are already starting another fight.” he shouted at me, throwing his phone in his lap and giving me a dead look. “I told you I fired him because I did, but I realized a while after that I can't fire another guy just because my boyfriend feels jealous. The man is good at what he does so I'm keeping him. You better deal with it Hyun.”
“Oh so I'm the crazy one here? Excuse me, but do you see the way he looks at you? For 's sake, he was you with his eyes at the party.” I said and pulled the car over to the side of the road.
“God Seunghyun, I can't deal with your right now. Just get me to the damn hotel please.” He buried his face into his hand and lightly each side of his forehead.
, I'm a real jerk. I never meant to start a fight, I never meant to snap at him. I'm just being the I am. I always realize it too late.. after the damages are done. I kept scolding myself until we reached the hotel. John opened the car door and was about to get out but my hand flew and gripped his shoulder quickly.
“I'm sorry babe. You're right, I shouldn't have asked you to fire him the first place. I'm sorry.” I whispered softly, drawing unseen circles on the back of his shoulder.
“I know. You are always sorry.” he said and departed the car, slamming the door shut behind him.
A feeling of guilt spread all over my body as we drove silently to John's cousin's house. I didn't know what to do but look at him every now and then. I tried reaching for his hand but he shot me a glare that clearly told me to stay the hell away from him. And then I noticed it, he has tears in his eyes. I made him cry, again. People might think that John tends to cry a lot but that's not the truth. He cries when he feels hurt, and I seem to be hurting him a lot lately.
I felt as if I was the worst person alive. I wanted to offer condolences and comfort and to put my arms around his neck. I wanted to smooth his hair and tell him that I was sorry. I imagined briefly what it would be like to wipe tears away from those expressive sapphire eyes and see them look at me kindly. I thought about giving him a gentle peck on his cheek, just to reassure him how sorry I feel.
But watching him cry as if his heart was broken momentarily froze me, and so I did none of those things. Specially when the fact that he was crying because of me hit me. I was supposed to be protecting him from any cause of exhaustion he might face, not the way round, I reminded myself. I didn't dare to say anything so I just continued to drive in a complete silence.
When we arrived his cousin's, I heard the door of the car swings open and I opened my mouth to talk, but closed it almost instantly and took a deep breath as I stepped out of the car as well. I helped him to get his luggages to the house's entrance, and then we stood awkwardly by the door, looking everywhere but each other's eyes.
“So... Can I come in?” I finally glanced up at him, took a deep breath and asked him in a low voice.
“No,” I heard him answer.
John leaned against the door frame with his hands in his pockets and a big frown on his face. My eyes trailed his movements as he lifted one hand and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Oh, fine. Can I call you later then?” I fixed him with pleading eyes as I took a step closer to him.
I stared at the dark stubble shadowing his cheeks, the cleft on his chin and the rest of his deliciously rugged unkemptness. He was looking back at me now, but his eyes were urging me to stop moving toward him, so I did. But then, he surprised me with a brief kiss on the lips and a soft tap on the cheek.
“Bye Seunghyun.” he whispered.
The instant I reached her car, I dissolved into tears. Why did I do it? I kept asking myself. I wondered why every decision I ever made in my life had to carry with it such a high price. I continued in this vein of self-recrimination and self-pity until the tears were depleted. Then, once the despair receded I turned to anger.
I was filled to overflowing with impotent rage and suddenly John's taunt about me always being sorry recalled itself to my mind. In the next instant every feeling of anger and hurt vanished. I felt nothing, I just stared blankly at the road as every emotion exited me, leaving the hairs on the back of my neck tingling. I have always been like that, hurting and then apologizing. I played the scenes in my mind.. every time John cried because of me and my stupid jealousy. He still came back to me though, he still thought he was no good for me.
Another shiver went through me and I snapped out . I was back to reality, feeling cold and shuddering. I raised my hand and touched my forehead. It was hot as if it was burning but a wave of coldness swept through my fingers as I kept them there.
I shook my head, muttering a few words I myself couldn't understand. I drove back home as fast as I could, wanting to take a hot shower and sleep for the rest of the day. A part of me didn't want to stay alone though, It begged me to go back to John, hug him and ask him to tell me that everything is gonna be alright. But with the way I acted around him today, and the way I keep hurting him, I knew I won't be getting any hugs from him. At least not now.
After a long nap, I decided it's time to send a message to my boyfriend telling him how much I missed him and how much I wish he was with me at this moment. I was still feeling sick, but I blamed myself for not eating well lately.
“Hey, how are you? Is that guy behaving himself? Has he hit on you yet?” I added a wink to assure him I was just joking.
Luckily, not long after I revived a reply. I smiled at the sound of my phone announcing the income of the new message and snickered when I read it.
“Hey, I'm fine.. And no, he unfortunatly did not. He thought I'm Seungri's uncle!!! *shocked face* but the guy is pretty much hot. I totally can see myself kissing him.”
He definitely knows how to get my attention.
“Hotter than me?! And don't you dare touch him. Save him for me.”
Another reply came that kept me faceplaming for a second.
“No one is hotter than you babe. And oops, already did!”
I quickly tapped the call button and when John's giggles filled my ears I heard myself giggling too.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“About touching the new guy? Yes.” I knew he was just playing around, he at lying so I decided to play along.
“How did you touch him?” I uttered, voice crisp.
“The way I touch you.” he whispered as if he was telling me the darkest secret of his.
“Did you enjoy it?” I questioned, lowering my voice as well.
“Of course I did. Told you the guy is hot.”
“I'm hurt.” I said and silence invaded the phone's line. Not the awkward silence that left us both distressed, but the comforting one that told us what the other was thinking without the need of saying it out load.
“I'm sorry.” I mummered.
“I know.” I heard him sighing over the phone, voice softened as he spoke.
“I didn't mean to act that way.”
“I know.”
“Thank you, for understanding.”
We talked for little more and then he had to hung up because ‘Dinner is ready!’. I frowned as I heard John's new hot friend call for him. His voice was beautiful, the way he called John by the name left me breathless. I needed to visit that damn house as fast as possible to make sure the guy wasn't too hot for my liking because now, after hearing his voice, I can totally imagine him ing to John.
I received a call from Mr.kim a half an hour later telling me I have an important meeting to attend at the company tomorrow. We spoke about the new fashion line I was currently starting and some work-related stuff, we said our goodbyes and hung up.
My evening was so boring without John around. I used to busy myself with ing other boys and going on dates with some, but that was before John came back. I did cheat him once when we were still in Japan, and when I told him about it, he said nothing. He just kissed me and told me it was okay, but that's not the way I felt. It was anything but okay, since that day, I started behaving like an and he started crying a lot. I am a sick person, I know it. But now, I feel the need to change myself for John's sake.
No more cheating. no more ing around. No more screaming. I reminded myself and laid in my bed. I was still feeling cold, and my body was still burning as on fire. Maybe I caught a cold, I thought, it's probably nothing.
Drawing in a lungful of air, I shot up from my bed. Then without wasting another second, I teared off my clothes and scrambled towards the shower. The ball of sickness in my stomach was still there, my body was sweating and my legs barely held me up and walked me to the bathroom. I stood under the hot water for so long, trying to scrub the illness off me, off my body, my face, my lips. I scrub till my skin was raw, till the soap stung me back to sanity.
I dressed up hurriedly wearing the first set of clean clothes I could find. I was already 15 minutes late for the meeting.
“Hye Yoon is gonna kill me.” I muttered pathetically and made my way out of the house.
Once I was out of the house and in the car, I allowed myself to relax.Then I headed out to start my usual Tuesday morning at work.
Early meeting were always bad, but this one turned out to be the worst. They kept talking and talking and the more they talked, the more I felt like vomiting. My head was spinning all over the place. Something weird was happening, I struggled to pinpoint it was exactly. Too much noise around me I couldn't handle. Hours seemed to pass as I stayed there oblivious to the things happening around me. My eyes closed on their own and when they fluttered opened again, I looked at my reflection in the mirror at the very corner of the room. I was looking directly at myself. I was there, sitting in my seat, eyes barely open. My face was extremely colorless, lips turning blue and my hair messy as ever.
“Mr.Choi, is there something wrong?” said one of the attendants.
“Uhm, no. I mean, I... Can you excuse myself for five minute? Go ahead and continue, don't let me interrupt you.” I said as I got up and started for the door, then instantly ran toward the nearest bathroom. Once inside, I threw my head in one of the toilets, spitting pieces of puke into it. It felt thick in my mouth.
A shudder ran through me and my hands started to shake. The dizziness was unbearable. But then I felt a hand of my back, caressing and it as I continued to bury my face in the toilet and the bitter puke came out of my mouth. After my stomach announced that there is nothing left inside it to throw, the hand on my back moved to wipe my mouth with wads of toilet paper. The person then drag my almost lifeless body until it was leaning against the wall. So it was a man. The new angel allowed me to watch him from the back as he wiped the vomit from the toilet seat, cleaned the floor, flushed it all away. He helped me stand up and walk to the sink, I rinsed my mouth and looked up at the reflections in the mirror, mine was a mess. But the reflection of the other man was... I cursed as I realized who it belongs to.
“Jiyang...” I whispered.
“It's Jiyong, not Jiyang. You can call me Jiyang of you want to.. I mean, It's not a problem.” his ramble was all I could catch before I felt my body weaken and hit the floor.
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