"Why didn’t you me?” Sungjong asks his when they have stopped. Myungsoo took them to the edge of the beach, where he remembers Sungjong falling still and leaning against him, heavy and warm, breathing in time with the waves. He also remembers the combination of grey, blue ocean horizon foaming against cold sand and Sungjong’s hair tickling his nose tugging at something peaceful inside of him too.

"You could have." Sungjong says again, startling Myungsoo out of his thoughts. "I was definitely more than willing." he makes a sound that seems like a laugh he didn't have the energy to finish. "You were too sickened by me, right? Because Hoya ed me? I get that, but I could have been some use to you at least."

"Yah!" Myungsoo shouts, he can't stand the way Sungjong’s voice sounds- there's nothing bitter in his tone, just acceptance and Myungsoo can't take it. "I wouldn't do that."

"Yes." Sungjong agrees, "But I would have let you."

Myungsoo feels like his head is bursting. How could he have forgotten, in the short time he'd been away from Sungjong, just how crazy Sungjong makes him? Always on one end of the spectrum or the other. He'd come close to ing Sungjong before he'd revealed himself, but not even Myungsoo could go that low. He'd been able to see even then that if he did have with Sungjong he's be going too far-- he couldn't forgive himself now, what would he have done if he'd ruined Sungjong in that way too?

Deciding to change the subject to something that doesn't hurt his chest so much, he asks lightly, "How is your family?" and then he winces, because of course he'd ruined Sungjong's family life too. Nothing was a safe subject-- they shouldn't even be talking right now. Why had Myungsoo taken Sungjong into his car and drove somewhere where they were alone? Was he completely crazy?

"They're okay." Sungjong looks out the windshield as he answers, and Myungsoo is thankful. "They started a karaoke bar a while back. Business is okay, but we don't really talk."

Myungsoo swallowed heavily. He couldn't say he was sorry.

"But we never really did in the first place. Not about what mattered. And you? Are you happy with the woman who would visit the hospital?"

He'd almost forgotten that Sungjong had met Naeun and he thought about how Naeun and Sungyeol had manipulated Sungjong into giving them money, but even now Sungjong didn't seem angry. He hadn't really ever seemed very angry, the only time he really raised his voice being when he and Myungsoo had fought about taking care of Hoya. Myungsoo almost told Sungjong "She doesn't want me. She has someone else." but he ended up saying, "Yes. We're all fine."

"Okay." Sungjong nodded, sniffing and looking away. "I'm sorry, can I use your phone to call a cab? I should get home."

Myungsoo hands over his phone quietly, trying to shut up the part of him that wants to keep Sungjong here with him for as long as he can. He realizes too late that handing over his phone is a mistake. By the time he remembers why it's a bad idea, Sungjong has already seen his background picture. Myungsoo is so ing stupid. "What is this?" Sungjong's voice wobbles a little, but he doesn't wait for an answer, running a thumb over the picture that was Myungsoo and Hoya, both smiling behind steaming bowls of soup that Naeun had made them. "When was this taken?" demands Sungjong, but he doesn't even have to ask that, it's obviously a new picture-- Myungsoo wears his work uniform and Hoya's scar runs across his forehead, light and pink. There is absolutely nothing Myungsoo can say to take this back.

This is the first time Myungsoo has seen Sungjong angry since the very beginning, when he'd been so messed up and angry at everything and begging for Myungsoo to hurt him. Back then Myungsoo had rolled his eyes at Sungjong’s grief but now Sungjong's anger just makes him feel sick to his stomach with guilt.

"You're going to let me see him." He tells Myungsoo defiantly, like he thinks suddenly Myungsoo will listen to him for once. Like Myungsoo isn't the bastard who ruins everything for him and shouldn't be trusted. Luckily for him, Myungsoo can't find it in himself to deny Sungjong this once, not when Sungjong pockets his phone and crosses his arms, settling himself in the seat. Sungjong's breath comes heavy and his face is so blank that there's no way he's not furious. "I'm not going to leave." He says firmly, "If you kick me out I will hound you until you take me to him. I won't stop this time. I owe him this."

Myungsoo doesn't answer him, he just starts the car again.

Sungjong sees Hoya before Hoya sees Sungjong. Naeun and Sungyeol can see him perfectly though, and they obviously don't know what to do about his presence; their mouths just drop when Sungjong pushes into the front door. Sungjong stops when he gets inside, like he can't go anymore when he sees Hoya, and Myungsoo isn't sure what he should be doing. What's wrong with him? This is a bad idea. Eventually Hoya realizes that everyone has gone quiet and turns toward the door and Myungsoo's stomach drops when he sees Hoya find Sungjong-- at the shock on Hoya's face. He can clearly see Hoya's surprise, his fear and then his complete joy at seeing Sungjong, and when he breaks out into a smile, Sungjong comes towards him until he's close enough to cup Hoya's cheeks in his hands. "Jongie." Hoya's slow voice wobbles, and Sungjong hugs him tightly.

The last thing Myungsoo should be allowed to feel is jealousy, but that doesn't change how he burns when Hoya clutches at Sungjong's back and Sungjong shakes holding onto Hoya. Even with what Sungjong had admitted to him in the car he burns. A year he's spent maintaining a balance between making himself forget Sungjong and making himself remember his sins every day, but right now all Myungsoo wants is a cold room, a warm bed and Sungjong wrapped around him, loving him. Just him-- no Hoya, no Naeun and Sungyeol. No guilt or betrayal. Sungjong would treat him like something precious even though he's not.

Myungsoo's not even that pretty, all scarred and achy at the joints, but Sungjong always treated him special. Sungjong would look at him from under his eyelashes with complete trust, like he always had. There’s no reason to hate him there. That is Myungsoo's most common dream. Just that. There were other dreams he had, all of them about Sungjong now, where they used to be about someone nameless and comforting, always reaching their hand out to him, beckoningly. He knows now that it was always Sungjong and he thinks it’s worse now that he knows. It was easy when there was no face, even when the longing and curiosity had frustrated him to no end. Now that the face is Sungjong’s sweet face and the voice is Sungjong’s smooth voice that tends to tilt up and the hands that reach for him are Sungjong’s long, delicate fingers with the thin wrists that Myungsoo knows he can practically wrap his hand around—it’s so much harder. Now in his dreams, sometimes he and Sungjong go for long, late night rides, Sungjong singing out the open window while the air is always cool, but never cold. They sleep curled around each other in the back seat and when morning comes, Sungjong pulls him awake and they sit on the cool hood of the car while the sky is starting to light. Usually Myungsoo falls asleep again, but Sungjong stays tucked beside him. Sometimes he dreams about Sungjong coming home—to their home—after a long day and falling into Myungsoo’s lap, letting Myungsoo rub at his temples and the knobs of his spine. He lets Myungsoo undress him, carefully and tentatively, completely at Myungsoo’s mercy, but keeping up his constant dialogue, snarky and clever and funny. Myungsoo likes to keep him there, pulled into his lap, close enough for him to kiss if he wants to—and he does, all the time. And then sometimes he has dreams that twist his stomach and make him sweat about Sungjong underneath him, happy and flushed and . Sometimes this dream is where it begins and sometimes where it’s just ended but it is always, always good.

“I missed you.” Sungjong says wetly; he almost can’t get it out. “I’m sorry  Hoya.” Hoya shakes his head so violently it shakes them both, but he holds on. Sungjong just continues, “I won’t leave again. And this time you can’t make me.”