Myungsoo hates himself, but Sungjong loves him. He says so and Myungsoo can see it that it's true. He can tell. He can see everything when Sungjong looks up at him with those big, clear eyes. They’re so sincere and trusting when they look at him that Myungsoo could laugh. He does sometimes, but only after he's had a bottle or two of soju and can't taste how bitter it is anymore.

At first Myungsoo goes by Hoya's diary. There are plenty of entries about Sungjong and him and the dates they'd been on; plenty to show Myungsoo just the way Hoya wooed Sungjong slowly. It makes it so easy; Myungsoo wants to recreate it-- hook Sungjong the same way Hoya had.

Sungjong doesn't suspect a thing as they go along (which infuriates Myungsoo), even when Myungsoo recreates something from his brothers diary almost to the letter. After a while though Myungsoo feels as if it's too slow and tedious to keep up and also, after a while, Myungsoo can't stand to use Hoya's playbook anymore. It makes him feel dirty, actually, but what Myungsoo tells himself is that he's getting tired of this game; Sungjong obviously doesn't remember Hoya anyway, so why bother? When uses his own methods after that. It seems to work perfectly. It’s sad, actually, how well it works. But what's really sad is how much every date grinds inside Myungsoo's chest until he can't breathe, makes him want to linger just a little bit longer when he watches Sungjong’s happy face.

It's awful because Sungjong makes Myungsoo feel light inside in a way he hasn't since he was a kid and had Hoya around to make him feel better. Sungjong makes him feel light like he had before other people knew about his father and carved him into this twisted monster that he is. Sungjong makes him feel light and happy-- but he's not happy. He’s not. He can't be happy with Hoya so destroyed. His only family is destroyed because of Sungjong. He has to remember that. (He always seems to have to tell himself)

Sungjong loves him, but that means nothing to Myungsoo. Sungjong is nothing to Myungsoo. Myungsoo wouldn't need him anyway; he has Sungyeol and Naeun, to whom he owes everything he doesn't give to Hoya. He has to remind himself of that. Sungjong is nothing to him.

When the hospital starts being insistent about reminding them of Hoya’s treatment bills, Myungsoo shouldn't be surprised. Of course there were more hits coming. This is his life; of course his misfortune wasn't over yet. He doesn't resent it though. It’s easy to find little side jobs with his reputation; there had been recruiters after him since he was practically a kid and, even though Hoya would hate it, it's just so easy for Myungsoo.

Myungsoo practically can't wait to hurt something, and he's aware of how ed up that is, but he feels a rush of excitement, finally when he agrees to accompany some guys to get some of their money back from another group. He can feel himself ready for a fight and they see it; they hand him a bat with a smile like they can't wait to let him loose.

When it turns bad on him, when his crew runs for cover and he ends up behind and cornered, Myungsoo isn't angry. He relishes the pain almost. There’s no way he can fight back and he almost doesn't want to. They don't go easy on him and Myungsoo wouldn't be surprised if he died out here tonight. They wouldn't care and neither would he.

Of course, that's when ing Sungjong has to get in the way.

it's cool hands that grasp Myungsoo's face and it's only then that he can feel rain stinging his face-- he didn't know it had started to rain at all.

He can hear Sungjong’s voice high and panicked, knows he's screaming at the guys beating Myungsoo, but all he can hear is Sungjong's voice and he feels floaty and melancholy: the way he does when he sings his lullaby and feels himself reaching for thin air sometimes. It’s the same feeling and he gets a strange sensation of deja vu.

Apparently, surprise and Sungjong’s fame only distract the men for a moment. They hit Sungjong only once, a backhand, and-- Myungsoo is Sungjong’s bodyguard; he can't let Sungjong get hurt. If Sungjong gets hurt on his watch it could ruin his meticulous plans.

That’s what Myungsoo tells himself when he does his best to shield Sungjong’s body from their blows. The strange part to Myungsoo is that the only part of him that hurts when they hit him are the places where Sungjong’s fingers are gripped in his shirt and pinching his skin. It’s like that's the only part that feels real.

The men do stop eventually, before they kill Myungsoo, and leave them both there. Myungsoo passes out then, at last. Well, at least, he must be passed out, because he hears his lullaby, slow and sad and still the most comforting thing he's ever heard, but he wakes when he feels Sungjong’s mouth on his own.

As Sungjong kisses him and Myungsoo closes his eyes he can see himself reaching out for someone’s hand, like he usually does when he hears his lullaby.

It’s Sungjong’s hand... Myungsoo tries not to think about that and how it makes sense.

when he's still bleeding from the beating and his mouth still burns from Sungjong’s lips, he sits himself down by Hoya’s bed and think's that maybe he's making a mistake.

No one so innocent could be so evil. No one so naive could harm someone so intently. He has to have it wrong. He has to be making a mistake. Myungsoo has got to be wrong about Sungjong.

That train of thought doesn’t last long. He squashes the feelings of guilt and all of his doubts then, because no matter what Myungsoo feels Hoya’s eyebrows quiver when Myungsoo says Sungjong’s name loudly enough. 

Sungjong did this to Hoya, and there's nothing else to it, so Myungsoo swallows the pain and ignores the ache in his chest. He steels himself to carry out what he started. What else can he do anyway? Could he leave Hoya, his brother, father, and the only person who had always believed in him alone in this hospital bed? Could he try to live a long, happy life with Sungjong? Myungsoo shakes thinking about it; it's absurd and he wants it, so much.

He doesn't want it, he tells himself. He wants to destroy Sungjong, he has all along, he tells himself. (He’s gotten pretty good at that)

Naeun loved Myungsoo once. Myungsoo might have been able to have loved Naeun back, but Myungsoo has always been a bastard who can't do anything right. He owes her everything, even though she deserves more-- much more than he can give her. Sungyeol could be good enough for her. He can see her waver towards him and hopes for it more than once, that they forget about him and live their lives. He hopes they get married and live happily, just because he knows Sungyeol could be what she deserves. But in the end, Naeun always comes back to him, so he always comes back to her. And he always will.

When Myungsoo steels himself for the last time in the hospital at Hoya's bedside, he realizes that there are a few things that he will never forget for the rest of his life. He will never forget his mother's face that melted when she held him. He will never forget the blankness in his father's eyes when he looked at Myungsoo. He will never forget the way Hoya always gave him the last bowl of cereal. He will never forget Naeun saving his life. He will never forget Sungyeol fighting on his side, keeping him tethered to reality. He will never forget seeing Hoya in the crushed metal of his car. He will never forget Sungjong looking breathless and wide-eyed and in terrified wonder when he told Myungsoo he loved him for the first time. He will never forget the lust in Sungjong’s eyes when Myungsoo’s fingers touch the button of his jeans or the disappointment following when Myungsoo pulls away. He will never forget the rush he got when Sungjong told his fiancé that he chose Myungsoo, his poor bodyguard.

When he stands at the beach with Sungjong, he hears people they pass whisper about them; "there's that actor. He broke off his engagement to run away with his bodyguard. How does he stand living such a scandal?" and Myungsoo can put one more thing on his list: he will never forget the sheer disbelief on Sungjong’s face when he finally, finally tells Sungjong that it was a lie. Myungsoo was ing with him. Everything Myungsoo had ever told him was a lie. That Sungjong deserved it and more. That he deserved to be ruined. He deserved to be thrown into scandal and have his career ruined. He deserved to be thrown away by his rich fiancé. And that Myungsoo got sick at the thought of loving him, "Don't look at me like that, it's disgusting." is what Myungsoo finishes with when Sungjong's eyes spill hot tears.

Myungsoo throws up after running as far away from Sungjong’s disbelieving, bewildered face as he can. He can't stand himself.

I HAVE TO STOP GOING TO BED AT 7am WHAT AM I DOING.
Ugh I have some the one who makes life come to life, but idk if i can edit that right now, i will post it a little later.

Augh. I'm dying kjhasoifdbivfhjk