Myungsoo stands by and watches Sungjong try to pull himself together week by week.

It gets harder and harder for him to watch. Time passes and he spends it by Sungjong’s side and it's gradually harder to find the hate in the pit of his stomach. He doesn't forget. he never forgets, but the more time he spends protecting Sungjong, the more he feels like he belongs somewhere, like he's found somewhere safe, finally, that gives him comfort. Myungsoo puts a stop to that train of thought immediately-- when he begins to think like that, he runs to Hoya's bedside and watches the line of his heartbeat run and the line of the scar that's already beginning to heal on his shaven head. He reminds himself that this isn't about himself and that he has no place finding comfort in Sungjong.

So then, it's not like it's really difficult to feign interest in Sungjong. At first it does makes Myungsoo sick to his stomach. The thought that this was Hoya’s lover and also the kid that ed up their lives. There’s no going back for Myungsoo now, and he doesn't want to. Myungsoo is constantly reaffirming his purpose to keep himself on track. There is no going back.

 It’s still not fair Sungjong is insanely beautiful and Myungsoo hates himself for being genuinely attracted to him. Can’t stand the shape of Sungjong’s mouth and the sway of his hips and the tilt of his big brown eyes and how they build fire in the pit of Myungsoo's stomach.

When Sungjong hums Myungsoo’s lullaby to him, Myungsoo almost breaks their car in surprise. It’s a common children's song, so of course Sungjong must know of it, but it pangs deep within Myungsoo anyway. It pangs and it keeps panging like an echo until he feels nauseated. It feels familiar and heartbreaking and comforting at the same time.

"Have you heard that song?" Sungjong asks him quietly. His voice tilts up at the end almost hopefully. Myungsoo can't remember ever singing the song around Sungjong before-- he wouldn't give Sungjong that, it means too much to him. But when he hears Sungjong's voice hum it again he feels again like he's been hearing Sungjong lulling him forever. And it's good. It’s so good.

"No." he says gruffly, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat. "I've never heard that in my life."

Though Sungjong isn't looking at him, Myungsoo can see his eyes in the rearview mirror. He looks disappointed. "Oh. I could have sworn I heard you singing it."

Myungsoo doesn't know why Naeun and Sungyeol are still lagging around for instead of just getting married. Okay, he does, actually. It's for him. When he's around he can see them pulling away from each other like he doesn't already know they're crazy about each other. They're too loyal to him, but they don't need to be. Especially now with Hoya... they hold so tightly to him that they forget themselves. He loves them at the same time he feels suffocated by them. He doesn't understand why they need him so badly when they have each other now, but he will be there for them as long as they want him around.

Eventually it's easy to see the results of Myungsoo’s careful planning. When he really gets down to it, Sungjong is easy to manipulate. He cares too much, Myungsoo finds out almost immediately. He cares about his family and Myungsoo and even his conniving fiancée, even her, even as she blackmails him into marrying her. Obviously, though, he doesn't care enough about having ruined someone's entire life. Isn’t that ironic?

"Do you have family?" Sungjong asks him, squinting sweetly with the sun in his face up at Myungsoo.

The thing is, Sungjong knows a lot about Myungsoo. He knows how lonely Myungsoo was as a child and how he fought so much. He knows Myungsoo's favorite foods and color and season and he grimaces at Myungsoo's choices of clothes. He knows a lot of the truth about Myungsoo, but Myungsoo keeps him distant still, only telling Sungjong these things because it makes him dearer to Sungjong. He keeps other things distant: Hoya, Naeun and Sungyeol. Not yet. He doesn't reveal everything. It still surprises him sometimes how much he's let Sungjong know about him, though-- how much Sungjong can tell about him without Myungsoo telling him anything.

"Yes." Myungsoo chooses to tell him. "A brother." He swallows roughly when Sungjong smiles encouragingly at him and feels himself toeing the line when he continues, "He's in a coma."

Sungjong's cups Myungsoo's cheek in his hand and Myungsoo is disgusted by it. Really. Not comforted at all. Not at all. But he is. God help him he is. He pushes his face into the touch and feels grounded and safe.

 Sungjong also trusts much too easily (he trusts Myungsoo, after all) though he is infuriatingly careful and careless in equal parts Myungsoo can't figure out. He’s careless with himself, mostly. The job Myungsoo has in keeping him safe is fraught with challenges because Sungjong is completely mindless when it comes to himself. Myungsoo hates it. He hates whatever makes Sungjong feel like he doesn't need to take care of himself. At first it makes Myungsoo sick that Sungjong should feel entitled to any martyrdom, but eventually it just makes Myungsoo sick that Sungjong might do something thoughtless of himself and Myungsoo cares about it. He cares. It’s hard to call up his rage when he's watching the slope of Sungjong’s neck as he hangs his head. When Sungjong has dark circles under his eyes that he laughs off to the makeup artist. when Sungjong’s mind wanders off and Myungsoo has to choose whether to let him die right there-- if he should let go of Sungjong’s hand and let the ground take care of Sungjong’s atonement or if he can stand himself for making the decision. It’s infuriating. Myungsoo hates him for creating this rollercoaster of ups and downs-- hate and compassion, sympathy and apathy. Myungsoo mostly hates himself.