6. The shift button is there for a reason.

Now for those of you who are old pros with the Shift button, feel free to skip this chapter. For those of you who are beginners with the Shift button, stay right here. And for those of you who abuse the Shift button, your chapter is coming up soon.

I want you to look at your keyboard. Seriously. Lower your eyes and look at it. Notice the beautiful capital letters. Look how professional they look. Notice how they aren't lower case. Nope, that QWERTY board is all Caps baby. 

Now look to the very left of that beautiful keyboard. Look for the button with an arrow pointing up like this: ↑

Found it? Perfect.

That, my friends, is called a Shift button. The creator of your lovely computer was kind enough to install a Shift button on it so whenever you feel the need to: write an essay, type up a story, or troll on public forums, etc. that you don't look like a . That Shift button is for you. Use it. Touch it. Make it feel good. Make love to it. It is your friend. It is your best friend! I want you to take advantage of it and use it all the time. Use it, but don't abuse it. It will not hurt you. In fact, it will take a piece of crap and make it look like not a piece of crap. That's right people: it does all of that.

Don't believe me? Let me show you. Take this summary of Random Passage by Bernice Morgan that I found on Google Books. Don't ask me any questions about it, I know just as much about it as you do.

forced to flee england, the andrews family books passage to a fresh start in a distant country, only to discover a barren, inhospitable land at the end of their crossing. to seventeen-year-old lavinia, uprooted from everything familiar, it seems a fate worse than the one they left behind. driven by loneliness she begins a journal. random passage satisfies the craving for those details that headstones and history books can never give: the real story of our newfoundland ancestors, of how time and chance brought them to the forbidding shores of a new found land. it is a saga of families and of individuals; of acquisitive mary bundle; of charming ned andrews, whose thievery has turned his family into exiles; of mad ida; of thomas hutchings, who might be an aristocrat, a holy man, or a murderer; and of lavinia - who wrote down the truth and lies about them all. random passage has been adapted into a cbc miniseries and is now a national bestseller.

Now doesn't that just look gross? By subtracting the Shift button, I just made this passage go from a beautifully written summary to a hastily written text message a teenage girl sent while walking through the halls of her school. Yes. It looks ugly. Fugly. Not to mention all those annoying red squiggly lines Spell Check gives it. I would look at this, exit out of the tab, push my computer off the desk, then insult your intelligence and call your mother a llama. 

Here is this passage with a special appearance by the lovely Shift button.

Forced to flee England, the Andrews family books passage to a fresh start in a distant country, only to discover a barren, inhospitable land at the end of their crossing. To seventeen-year-old Lavinia, uprooted from everything familiar, it seems a fate worse than the one they left behind. Driven by loneliness she begins a journal. Random Passage satisfies the craving for those details that headstones and history books can never give: the real story of our Newfoundland ancestors, of how time and chance brought them to the forbidding shores of a new found land. It is a saga of families and of individuals; of acquisitive Mary Bundle; of charming Ned Andrews, whose thievery has turned his family into exiles; of mad Ida; of Thomas Hutchings, who might be an aristocrat, a holy man, or a murderer; and of Lavinia - who wrote down the truth and lies about them all. Random Passage has been adapted into a CBC miniseries and is now a national bestseller.

See how beautiful it looks? I'd upvote this story, subscribe to the author, then take it out for a date. It. Is. Beautiful.

So please. The Shift button begs for your affection. Your touch makes her smile. Go on now, touch her. She likes it.