After that, I pretend that nothing’s happened (in fact nothing ever has) and Jjong is his usual stupid self, laughing, making jokes and texting his girlfriend. I put up with the fact that I will always be the beloved best friend but never the beloved boyfriend.
Just two days after that first incident, Jonghyun manages to make the only now soothing waves of my feelings break again.
It is really cold that night; it is winter and the heating is off. My white blanket seems to be made of the snow outside, as it lies inevitably icy on my skin. I listen for sounds coming from Jjong in the bunk bed above me, but he is perfectly quiet, as if all noise is swallowed by the snow.
Then a white lump falls down beside me and I wonder why there’s suddenly so much snow in our room until I notice that I simply can’t think straight anymore because I’m so tired.

It’s just a blanket.

Blinking sleepily, I hear the noises of creaking wood, the muffling cover now gone.

Something nudges my side and I turn around to see that it is Jonghyun standing next to my bed, shivers running violently though his body.

“Please… It’s freezing.” His voice is shaking from the shudders.

“Can I sleep in you bed tonight?” He looks so much like an abandoned puppy then, coming to me out of pure physical need, without any ulterior motives. How could I let a stray animal stay in the cold?
I shift towards the wall by only an inch, but Jonghyun gets the hint and slips into the spot next to me beneath the blanket. His body heat is simply unbelievable; it’s finding its way to me even without touching him. But I want to move closer, so that his warmth can make the snow around us melt. I curse myself for those thoughts the moment I’ve had them and I’m beginning to shiver again, because I yearn for his contact too much.

“You’re stupid.” He whispers so quietly. (Why won’t his breath make puffs in the air?) A big hand grabs my shoulder and he rolls me onto my side as if I were a tree trunk. I can’t even protest and I keep reminding myself that this is for physical needs only, it is coldand what reasonable human being could possibly turn away from a warm chest when it’s freezing.

“I’m still cold.” I wonder if he’s lying; it is better for him if he doesn’t. I press closer into his chest yet say,

“Really, Jjong. You’re exaggerating. Can’t you take care of yourself for once?”
“I have an umma best friend who does that for me.” he responds, an affectionate smile in his voice.
Shouldn’t it be his girlfriend’s task not mine?
I don’t really care right now as long as he lets me stay with him; dull sadness pushed to the back of my head.
Suddenly it’s so quiet, as if snow has fallen again, so I push myself away a little only to find Jjong’s gaze roaming over my face. I am a little scared, for the curiosity and interest is so blatantly obvious in it.

“Kibum. Have you always been so pretty?” He has that plain honest smile again. I know that he expresses every thought the moment it comes to his mind, but sometimes I just hate him for the missing ability to take the consequences into consideration.

I want to tell him that he’s pretty, too – because that’s plainly what he is– yet I can’t, mustn’t, shouldn’t.

It doesn’t matter that I forget to answer him, because he’s too occupied with staring at me and I’m too occupied with staring at him and I think that this would be the perfect scene for a romantic movie, in which we would kiss now – apart from the fact that we hardly qualify for a couple in such a movie and that the idea of us kissing is simply ridiculous.
After a short while Jjong tells me to go to sleep; I am not sure whether to want to or not, but I fall asleep somewhere between his shoulder and the blanket eventually, hoping that this will be the last time that he gets the opportunity to melt me.