It was a grueling 7 years of training. I lost my childhood in order to run for my dream to be a singer-performer. I was young but I know I have the potential to shine so when I was accepted as a trainee at SME, I didn’t think twice in joining.

It was tough. Physically and emotionally draining but I know everything will fall into place. Along the way, I met friends. Jessica and Sooyoung became my instant bestfriends. They said Jessica was an ice princess but in reality, she’s just a very sweet girl that shies away around people. Sooyoung on the other hand was the exact opposite of her. She’s funny, confident and outgoing. I didn’t think I’ll find a person who shares the same humor as mine, but I did through her. But even more outrageous was the fact that all three of us complimented each other really well.

In the coming year, Yuri came into the agency. I was considered as the best dancer amongst the new crop of talents but Yuri was getting a lot of praises. It was silly but I was jealous of her. It’s funny now because that initial feeling disappeared as I learned how similar we actually are. That dork can seriously catch my drift. People will call her the prankster and they will call me the cheater. What an honor!

A pretty face soon became one of my best bud. She’s got that adorable doe eyes and easy going personality. The pretty girl, YoonA, was a total opposite of Seohyun. This kid is so innocent and pure that I can’t help but act my age around her. I felt that I have a sort of responsibility to take care of her as an unnie. And that compelling feeling was so strong, even now.

Later on, the rumored girl who blew everybody away with her fantastic vocal showcase made her way in the company. I had so much expectations for her when I found out that it was a midget. Taeyeon didn’t disappoint me though — vocal wise. She’s really a power house! I get the chills just hearing her sing!

But the greatest surprise for me was meeting this super-bubbly-all-smiling girl from California — Tiffany! Now, this is some kid.. I heard that she was scouted during an audition in the US. Despite her family’s protests, she was determined to leave her home to run after her dreams. It was really admirable and it impressed me. It helped that she’s very friendly, too. Although she has a limited knowledge when it comes to the Korean language, she never faltered and has always been determined to learn. She knew she wasn’t the best dancer (like me, haha!) but she’s always the last one who leaves the training room, just practicing the routine over and over again. She won everybody’s affection by her determination and for being herself.

All eight of us meet often and by then we have already built a strong bond as friends. But when Sunny was introduced so late, I can’t help but feel an instant attachment to her. I guess I was mesmerized by her dedication. For all you know, Sunny’s Lee Soo Man’s niece but this midget (she got Taeyeon’s major title now for being the smallest amongst us. Not that I can’t call Taeyeon midget, anymore) didn’t use that connection to enter the industry. She’s actually a trainee for another agency for 5 years. But due to some circumstances, that company closed down and ended up training under SME. Although she’s from the family of ‘Lee’, she’s more known as the ‘Aegyo Queen’. She’s cute alright, but sometimes, I really do wish to smack her square in the face. I haven’t yet, and that’s in itself quite marvelous, even to me.

It wasn’t long when all nine of us made our debut. It was nerve wrecking and exciting. We’ve prepared so long for this and finally, we’re meeting everybody as Girls’ Generation.

At first, I thought that debuting under a popular agency would be a a sure win for any rookie group. I’ve never been so mistaken in my whole life until I have felt reality crashing in…

As part of Girls’ Generation, I know the amount of effort each of us had contributed to debut (heck, Jessica trained for 7+ years! If that’s not even proof enough for you) but even still, we’ve been at the receiving end of all the hate of every Korean citizen at the beginning of our career. An exaggeration but you know what I mean…

Anyway, the hatred became so intense that we’ve faced the greatest humiliation any aspiring idol group could have ever imagined.. The eventful ‘Black Ocean‘.

We stood in front of the crowd who hated our mere existence despite our sincere desire to give happiness to people as performers. It was so heartbreaking and I can’t help but still feel so sad about that whole incident. I thought it was the end of us. Maybe I was chasing for my dreams with blind eyes..

It was a traumatic moment where there was no one but ‘nine‘. Also the the nine months we were away was the most depressing period of our career. But I guess God made us go through all the hardships for us to feel more humbled when we finally made our breakthrough comeback with Gee. It’s embarrassing for me to say this with my own mouth but Gee literally put Girls’ Generation’s name on the map.

I should be jumping for joy. I should feel the ultimate love from fans. The pour of company offers..

But I did not.

It was a prosperous moment. I saw as each of the members find their own place in this industry. As the group’s best singer, Taeyeon had been excelling with OST offers. She was even casted in a musical and has done numerous MC antics. Let’s not forget that she’s also a DJ. Jessica also participated in musicals and have been invited to several solo photoshoots. Sunny and Yuri were busy with variety shows. Tiffany’s also an MC and a rising musical artist. Seohyun participated at We Got Married show, Sooyoung has always been in demand with variety shows, as well as serving as a DJ at one point. And let’s not even get started with YoonA..

And then as for me, well..

I never got any real offers unless people just throw me in together with the other girls or as a last resort (that’s how I’ve always pictured it but I could be really pessimistic at times..).

I’ve always been called underrated or ugly. Nobody believed that I deserved to be part of Girls’ Generation and at one point, I did believe in that.

I lost a lot of confidence in between the success of our group. I was not the type of person who always expresses my feelings but sometimes, my members would notice my sudden silence. Or my brooding moments by myself. I never answered their questions truthfully, afraid that I’ll be found out, but the degree of their concern never faltered. I’ve been feeling this burden all alone, hiding it behind my usual smiling face. I didn’t change the way I interacted with my members. They’re so dear and precious to me. I cannot shun them.. But I’m so sorry I couldn’t be honest with them. I don’t want to worry them.

And then one day, we were given the song ‘The Boys’. Aside from our deviation from the cutesy concept our agency have set out for us at the beginning, I felt a natural liking to this song. It was different, it was fierce. And let’s not forget the fact that after so many disastrous hairstyles, they’ve finally given me the groove. Sporting a new blonde, I’ve received so much praise! It was shocking that half of those praises were from Europe and the US! The way they screamed my name.. The way they cheered for me felt so overwhelming that one day, I came to the dorm crying.

As my current roommate, Seohyun saw me first and sat beside me.

‘What’s wrong unnie?’ Poor maknae.. She never received an answer except for those ugly sobs I was making at the time. But it was because I was happy so don’t worry!

I was already content by the generous love I’ve been getting as of late when it was doubled when our manager told me I was casted as one of the fixed member of Invincible Youth.

‘Why didn’t they cast me?!’ The previous Yoochiri daughter-in-law pouted as she made her way at our living room. Taeyeon, Tiffany and Seohyun were already at home while the others were about to arrive any minute now.

‘Obviously, because they like me more than you!’ Sunny snickered. The both of us were together since morning discussing the new project. ‘And my fellow blondie right here is so popular worldwide that they can’t afford to lose this chance to have her in the show with me!’ I was a bit shocked that she was actually referring to me. Who else is sporting this super awesome blonde locks anyway, but me. (No Taeyeon, you do not count in this discussion.)

‘Omg omg omg! That would be so awesome Hyoyeonnie!’ Tiffany chimed in, clapping her hands. Her genuine smile touched my heart.

‘But I want to be together with Hyoyeon on the show,’ Yuri pouted some more.

The others just laughed as Taeyeon and Seohyun congratulated me nonstop. When the rest of the girls returned from their individual schedules, I didn’t hear anything but congratulatory messages from them. And like a koala, Jessica couldn’t stop hugging me. I almost punched her for real.

Invincible Youth was a fun show and it was a different feeling interacting with idols beyond the stage. I was able to open up more and I was able to show them a different side of me. I know my members knows how much of a whack I can be but I’ve been surprising the other girls quite a lot on the set.

And as if it can’t get any better, I was told that I was also casted as one of the contenders for the second season of Dancing With The Stars. My legs almost gave in when I heard the news.

‘Hyoyeon-unnie! That’s so awesome!’ YoonA boomed with her signature alligator laugh. She hugged me while we jumped up and down. Sooyoung came next with her arms stretched out!

‘Hyoyeon! You little rascal! Congratulations for being casted! I’m officially jealous!’ Sooyoung was beaming. ‘I don’t care if I have a schedule or not, I’ll definitely watch your stage!’

‘Kinda busy with a lot of stuff with the drama but We’ll be sure to visit you!’ Jessica piped in, ending her statement with a dolphin screech. Yuri nodded enthusiastically.

‘Thank you so much dear friends! I’ll make sure I’ll get through the program as the victor!!!’

The first week wasn’t that good. I thought dancing would come in easy for me. I wasn’t called the ‘Dancing Queen‘ for nothing but it was just a different type of genre. It was a struggle.

But I regained my composure as the week progressed. And the girls visited me in turns (except Sooyoung, because she’s a liar! Haha!) to watch my dance. It was heart warming! I have nothing but gratitude for them! Their support was genuine and unparalleled!

That’s why…

That’s why when I came home after the finals hailed as the second best, I just didn’t have the face to show them.

I disappointed them — terribly. And on top of that, I disappointed myself… There was an opportunity for me to be on top, not as part of Girls’ Generation, but as Hyoyeon.. But it ended as a failure..

I stayed in my room crying myself out that night. I just hated myself at the time. I didn’t want to shed those tears, but my sadness over my loss was really heartbreaking. It was late that evening, I was finally calming down when my eight sisters came to the room and crowded around me to give me one big hug. They didn’t say anything. It was just a silent moment but that comforting embrace definitely lifted a whole amount of self pity I was feeling then. Nobody can really know our so called ‘Soshi Bond‘ unless they are part of Girls’Generation.

I’m part of that Girls’ Generation.

At the silence of the night, as I pretended to sleep, Seohyun sat at the edge of my bed. I didn’t stir and just waited until she leaves. Waiting for that moment was so painful.

Finally feeling the need to flee my side, she stood up and motioned near me and whispered those words that will forever be engraved in my heart, ‘You know you are still our winner, right?’ And ever so quietly, like a silent breeze, she went to her bed leaving me by myself to cry silently as a final form of comfort.

When I woke up, I regained my old self back. I started working, worked extra hard actually. And everything passed by like a blur. Still, I never forgot to appreciate every little things and be grateful by all the love I’ve been getting. Especially to my other eight sisters who were always there to lift me up when I’m down.

I let out a sigh and put a stop down memory lane.

Suddenly, the blinding light illuminated the stage. I covered my eyes as my vision adjusted. I’m back with my sisters for our much awaited comeback. How long has it been since we first graced the platform as Girls’ Generation anyway?

Five years.

It has been that long and our friendship longer. Yet, I still get the same amount of excitement whenever we’ll step on the stage together. My heart started hammering against my chest.

‘You were so quiet,’ Jessica whispered as we await our turn at the backstage. She s her arms around mine.

‘I was?’ She nodded. ‘I was just thinking about the past..’ Jessica looked at me funny. I extended my arm and pinched her cheek.

‘Yah! That hurts!’ She cried rubbing her cheek.

As if on cue, the other members came and we’re all crammed together backstage. I don’t know what came to me but I suddenly started screaming for a group hug. Again, they looked at me funny but it didn’t even take another second before all of us hugged.

Soon after, each one of us stepped out, I came in last. As I looked forward, I saw eight smiling angels before me, waiting for me to make my own way up. I smiled and reached for Taeyeon’s hand, feeling more excited.

This is definitely where I belong. This is definitely where I want to belong..

END.