Title: Recruiting Oh Sehun

Genre: Crack

Any other notes: The heck? I don't know what was on my mind when I wrote this but like, oh, I already saved it on the computer and I was like, the heck I'll just post it. So this fic doesnt really makes any sense

 

 

It was a normal day for Sehun. Getting woken up early by Suho, doze of a few more hours before getting up for real, slapping the forever sleeping Kai awake, elbow Chen away to the bathroom, steal a bit of Kris’ toothpaste and maybe borrow some of Lay’s shampoo (when desperate. Honestly, he could stand that foul smell of the roses), wipe his equally handsome face with Baekhyun’s towel, get dressed up casually and dodge from D.O’s daily spatula toss to his head for getting up late, eat breakfast in a slow pace and thus sometimes pissed Xiumin off since he wants to be punctual, ignore Luhan’s nagging when he was the last one to exit the dorm with his shoelaces untied, plug on earphones when their manager nags them, more like him, for being late and thus making them stuck in a traffic jam, bow really low towards their sunbaes (if ever run into when entering the SM Ent. Building), practice, go home, shower and then a date with his beloved bed.

However, what he didn’t notice is the secret CCTVs that someone placed in the dorms, thus, monitoring his every move.

 

That day, Suho woke up Sehun again three hours before he actually needs too. Sehun just waved the leader away as he flopped back into his pillow, emitting soft snores not long later. After three sweet hours of free sleeping, he blinked awake and surveyed his surroundings. He found it rather odd that a camera is sticking on the ceiling, but then dismissed it since Chanyeol likes sticking things on the walls. He got up and went to Kai’s room to wake him up.

 

“You idiot! Sehun saw the camera!” A man hissed as he thwacked his knuckles on his partner’s head. The other man groaned.

“What the hell man? You only gave me a budget of 5000! That is what we could afford with your little money!”

“Ugh! Whatever just monitor him a little bit. We need to make sure he is Evil Maknae material…”

 

“Yah! Kim Jongin! Get your lazy up!” Sehun drawled in his thick morning accent. Kai just snored back in response. “Kim Jongin! Get the heck up.” Sehun said as he whacked Kai’s . Kai just twitched but continued snoring. Sehun sighed.

“Honestly, you sleep like a log. I guess you won’t even notice if roll you off the balcony, hmm?” Sehun said to the still sleeping Kai. Kai again snored in response. Sehun’s eyebrows started to twitch. “Kim ing Jongin, you better wake up before I get Taemin here and make him shove a bucketful of banana milk up your pretty little .” Sehun threatened. Still, Kai didn’t move an inch. “Okay, that’s it.” Sehun got up as he walked to the bathroom, got a pail and filled it up with cold water, plus, a little bit of Lay’s scented shampoo (personally picked by Sehun himself. He prefers roses than lavenders), and dragged it back to Kai’s room. “Last chance, Jongin.” Kai just twitched as he snored. “That’s it.” He didn’t tip the pail; instead, he dunked the whole thing on Kai’s head, and then walked out of there.

“WHAT THE MOTHERFU- OH SEHUN, YOU- DAMMIT.”

 

“Holy , this kid is way Evil Maknae material!” Changmin’s eyes widened at Sehun’s actions on Kai. Kyuhyun beside him nodded as he twirled on the swivel chair. Changmin looked back at his companion. “Should we call him?”

“Get H hyung on the line.”

 

“Oh Sehun, you went too far.” Suho nagged Sehun as he walked towards the dining room after he elbowed past a fuming Chen to get inside the bathroom. “Sehun you-“

“Duck.”

“Wha- OUCH.” Suho groaned as D.O flung a spatula at his head. Sehun then stood back up and looked at the leader.

“You were saying?”

“You know what? Just go and eat. Kyungsoo, give me some ice.” Suho grumbled as he slowly massaged the place where the spatula hit him square on the head. Sehun shrugged as he got on his usual chair and bit the toast painfully slow. As the other members ate and left the dining table, Sehun, miraculously, had just finished half of the toast. Xiumin tapped his foot and glared at the wall clock as if it’s some wanted criminal or something.

“Sehun, that’s enough-“

“Let me finish my toast, Seok hyung.”

“I told you not to call me-“

“Let me finish my toast, baozi hyung.”

“The hell? I made it clear on that last interview that I hate that freaking nickna-“

“Then shut the hell up and wait for me to finish my toast.” Sehun said as he slowly munched on the piece of bread that has already turned cold.

“You are so frustrating.” Xiumin said as he slumped on the couch, right smack in between Chanyeol and Baekhyun who were competing each other in a staring contest.

“YOU BLINKED!”

“Me? Oh hell naww~ You are the one who blinked!”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“Well I’m not calling you a truther!”

“Truther? What the hell does that even means?”

“SEHUN HURRY UP.” Tao groaned. Sehun stood up and dusted the crumbs on his shirts.

“Okay, okay. I’m done. Geez, what got your up a twist?” He said casually as he walked towards the door.

“Why you little-“

“Save it for the wushu training, mofo.” Chen yawned as he stood up and stretched. All of them went outside, not bothering to wait for Sehun who was still picking his shoes.

“Sehun, oh god. Please?” Luhan pleaded as Sehun was still contemplating on either wearing the red ones with the white fronts or the white ones with the red fronts. Sehun just rolled his eyes as he picked a blue one instead, earning another groan from Luhan as both of them exited the dorm, Luhan locking the doors in process since somebody said, quote, ‘Who would steal anything from that pigsty we live in?’.

“God, you are impossible.” Kris said as he shook his head when Luhan and Sehun entered the van. Sehun once again shrugged.

“Let’s just go now if we don’t want to be caught in a traffic jam, manager hyung. Just save that lecture for tomorrow.” Sehun said when the manager just opened his mouth to again nag at Sehun.

“Weird little brat.” The manager huffed as he started the engine.

 

“We hereby call this meeting for an important issue. It has come to my attention that Sehun from EXO K is officially qualified to become a member of this sacred group.”

“Sacred? Like, Changmin, what the hell?”

“Who’s giving the speech, Heechul?”

“It’s hyung, to you, young man.” Changmin scoffed.

“And since when you are a maknae, hyung? This site is only for maknaes, okay?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. Heechul scoffed.

“Kai is not a maknae.” He said and pointed to Kai who was more interested in twirling around in the chair. When he felt eyes on him, he stopped.

“What? Is the meeting suddenly directed to me?” Kyuhyun facepalmed.

“Why did we even accept you here?”

“Because you need some of this.” Kai said casually as he pointed to himself. “Besides, I am way Evil Maknae material. So does Tao.” He said and pointed to Tao.

“I am a maknae, okay?” Tao said as he rolled his eyes. “Eh, come on. Kris gege needs to buy me Gucci and everyone would be suspicious for our long bathroom break.”

“Nice. Try going to Prada next time. I hear their Spring Collection is out and fabulously expensive.” Heechul said. Tao snorted.

“Please, H hyung. I need at least a Lois Vuitton quality for me to get Kris gege to buy it. Prada is just worth my toes.”

“Excuse me? Prada is as fabulous as LV, okay?”

“Nghh, diva fights. Who even asked you to join, Heechul hyung?” Changmin groaned. Heechul was about to answer when Kyuhyun cut in.

“Okay, enough cat fight. And besides, I asked him to join, Changmin, so calm your .”

“What? But I don’t-“

“Okay, then calm your man s or whatever the kids call them these days.” Kyuhyun said as he waved the matter off. “Anyways, we have a more important mission at stake. Mission recruiting Sehun.”

 

“I have to the bathroom.” Sehun announced as they did a rerun on Angel’s choreography. “I’ll be back, and no, I won’t get lost again, Suho hyung.” Sehun said as Suho was about to stop him.

“Oh, try and find Kai and Tao, okay? They went on a pretty long bathroom break, and we need those good for nothing dancers to complete the Angel choreography,” Lay said as he wiped his face with a towel.

“Meh. I’ll see what I can do.” Sehun said and pushed the practice door open and went towards the men’s bathroom.

“Sehun! Just the man I wanted to see.” Kyuhyun said happily as he slung his arm over Sehun.

“Ah, Kyuhyun sunbaenim. What can I do for you?” Kyuhyun lightly slapped his shoulders.

“Aww, stop with the honorifics, would you? It’s embarrassing. You’re making me feel so important when I’m actually not. I’m touched, really.” Kyuhyun said as he pretended to wipe a fake tear. “Anyways, call me hyung, okay?”

“Um, okay Kyuhyun sun- I mean hyung, what do you need from me?”

“Well, I was thinking about you following me somewhere. Is that okay? Like I’ll even take no for an answer. Let’s go.” Kyuhyun said as he headlocked Sehun and dragged him to the 20^th floor. Kyuhyun dragged Sehun out of the elevator. In front of him were walls and walls only, except for a door with a punch code.

“Um, hyung…” Sehun said and wriggled his head a little in Kyuhyun’s arms, giving him a hint to let go. Kyuhyun immediately let go as Sehun rubbed his neck. “Why are we up here? Isn’t this floor normally used for cleaning utensils storage and all that…?”

“Oh it is.”

“It is?”

“It was.” Kyuhyun said with an evil smirk. “You, Oh Sehun, have been selected from thousands of maknaes, for this position.”

“What? I don’t get it.” Sehun was dumbfounded.

“Welcome, to the Evil Maknaes Lair.” Kyuhyun said as punched in the combinations for the door.

Cue in the magic and mystical fog.

The door clicked and swung open to reveal a hallway full of doors. Sehun’s eyeballs nearly popped out. Kyuhyun motioned him to walk in.

“Just walk straight forward to that last door on the end that reads ‘Conference Room’.” Kyuhyun instructed. Sehun slowly walked in, feeling the walls if it’s solid or just a figure made with hidden projectors. He eyed one of the doors.

H? What does the label means? He looked on his left and saw another door with a different label on it. Changmin. He walked forward and looked on the door on his right. The label reads ‘Kyuhyun’. Sehun guessed this is their offices or whatever it’s called here. He looked at the left and squinted his eyes to get a better look.

Did it just say Kai?

No way.

Sehun looked closer again. To his horror, it did write Kai. Sehun quickly walked forward to look at another door. It was written in Chinese. Sehun frowned, but there was an English translation underneath it. Even though Sehun’s English isn’t that marvelous or spectacular like Kris or Kyungsoo’s, he was able to read the three letters.

Tao.

Okay, this evil maknae thing is really starting to creep the hell out of Sehun. There was another door but it was unlabeled. Uninterested of what it contains, Sehun walked until he reached the edge that was labeled ‘Conference Room’. Sehun pushed it a little and peeked inside before the whole place flew up in confetti.

“SEHUN! MY MAN! I WAS WONDERING WHAT TOOK YOU SO DAMN LONG!” Changmin cheered as he yet again threw some more confetti from a confetti basket that was attached to him with a piece of rope that looped around his neck. Sehun stepped in the confetti filled room and saw a grinning Heechul, a smiling Tao and Kai who was still holding a grudge on him for the morning’s wake up call.

“He walks like a snail, I swear.” Kyuhyun groaned from behind him. Sehun blinked.

“Um, what the hell is this?”

“Are you an idiot?” Kai asked as he rolled his eyes. “You are in the Evil Maknae lair, where evil maknaes roam.” Kai said.

“But you’re not even a maknae, Kai. I am.” Sehun pointed out. Kai rolled his eyes and pointed at his body.

“Well, they need this. So what can I do?” Sehun faked gagged as he looked around the room.

“Wait, why isn’t Taemin hyung here? Or Seohyun noona? Or even Krystal noona?”

“Well,” Kyuhyun started as he slumped on his chair and spun around. “Seohyun is too innocent. I mean, you can’t really have her do something bad. It feels like a sin to do so.” Kyuhyun said and shruddered.

“I feel so bad when I asked her to switch Yonghwa’s drink with my salted one. It was just a joke, but her confused face makes me feel so bad I wanna cry-“Changmin stopped talking as he wiped his tears from his eyes. Kyuhyun just nodded as if he understands what he means and gently the other’s hand.

“And Krystal… well, girl group maknaes aren’t really Evil Maknae material, okay?” Heechul continued it for Sehun since Changmin already started sobbing while hiding his eyes under his hands and muttering ‘I shouldn’t have asked her to do it,’ and ‘What kind of a person am I to lie to an angel like her??’ to Kyuhyun who tries to soothe him by saying lines like ‘It’s not your fault,’ and ‘It’s the past, let it go,’. 

“What about Taemin hyung?”

“We did try to recruit him.” Kai said. “But my hyung isn’t really Evil Maknae worthy. Key hyung would always fuss about him and baby him. I didn’t even get a chance to seduce him into the coolness.” Kai said as he sighed dramatically.

“Okay…” Sehun slowly said. The people here are weird, he thought to himself. He looked at his right and saw now a bawling Changmin and a Kyuhyun who’s trying to comfort his friend. He looked to the left and saw a depressed Kai and an arguing Heechul and Tao about Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton. “So, I am here for?”

“Ah, right.” Changmin stuttered as he wiped his eyes with Kyuhyun’s handkerchief. He then cleared his throat. “Well, we welcome you to the Evil Maknae family.” He said and opened his arms.

“Um… okay…?” Sehun said, unsure of what to do.

“Well, hug me!” Changmin insisted. Sehun awkwardly got up from his seat and bent down to hug Changmin.

“Welcome to the family, .” Tao hollered from the other side.

“Feel free to cry.” Kai said as he smirked. Sehun rolled his eyes

“I will not.” He said as he huffed. “So,” He looked around the room. “What am I supposed to do in this Evil Maknae thing..?”

“Be evil. That’s it.” Kyuhyun said as he lazed around, twirling in his chair. “Be extra on Suho. I would love to see him cracked. Oh, you could also do some in EXO M since Tao majority hits on Kris and his wallet.”

 

And since that day, everyone in EXO wondered why Sehun was extra grumpy in the morning, extra irritating in the afternoon, quite okay actually in the evening but really violent at night.

All except for the Evil Maknaes.