All of Teen Top was woken up extra early for our latest schedule. Hardly any words were spoken as we walked around the dorm like zombies. Every felt as if it were in slow motion. Although we were drained of energy and acting like it too, as soon as we began our interview with a way-too-excited interviewee we put on our brightest smiles and voices for the fans. It's something the fans don't realise, sometimes we have to act for their own enjoyment.

We left straight from the interview for dance practice. Our manager is really stressing us for our upcoming come back stage, and we need to look better than ever. After half an hour straight of intense moves and practice we finally got the five minute break we desired. Teen Top is lucky compared to other idol groups, although our manager is strict, he does care for our help and realises when we need to rest and replenish our energy, even if it is just for a little while.

I ran my fingers through my sweat streaked hair, panting heavily. I'm so unfit....maybe I should start going to the gym? I laugh to myself. The gym...now when would I have time for that? I open my water bottle and, instead of drinking from it, I pour it down my forehead, allowing the liquid to cool my skin and run off the end of my chin. I my lips, feeling instant relief. I hear the pounding of feet and see Byunghyun dragging Jonghyun helplessly out of the room. What's up with them?

The nosy person I am, I decide to investigate. I stealthily leave the studio and head along the hallway, listening intently. I hear noises coming from the bathroom, and sneakily hide myself in the bathroom foyer. I hear every word spoken clearly.

"Uh...Byunghyun....why are you doing this to me now..." I hear moans and panting coming from Jonghyun.

"Because I want you...I need you Jong.." I hear fabric rubbing against fabric and small squeaks from someone.

"No....No Byung stop it....stop it right now." All I can hear now is laboured breathing.

"What? What's wrong?"

"You just told me last night things are going too fast...that we should listen to what the others are saying...and now you're all over me. What changed?"

A moment of silence followed, leaving an awkward atmosphere. "Nothing changed Jong."

"Yes, something did. What happened?"

"Don't worry about it." I hear Byunghyun's stony words and then the sound of his footsteps coming my way. I quickly duck behind the door, squished against the wall.

"Wait! Byunghyun! Tell me about it!" I watch as Jonghyun stops chasing after him and sits down on the couch in the foyer, his head in his hands. I wait quietly for him to leave. Watching him sitting there so distraught makes me think over the past few days. I've been too busy being caught up in jealousy to see the way Byunghyun's relationship with Jonghyun was really going. In my eyes everything looked new to them, exciting and fun. Well, maybe a little too much fun, but still, they seemed good together (as much as it pained me to admit). All seemed well for them until Byunghyun began resisting Jonghyun's touch, and now he suddenly wants it back. I can understand why Jonghyun would be upset, and probably pretty confused. Byunghyun has been as moody as I've been lately.

Jonghyun finally gets to his feet, his head hanging low, and exits the room. I wait a few minutes before following after him, not wanting to look suspicious. I enter the dance studio to find Byunghyun and Jonghyun on opposites sides of the room, not speaking to eachother. I walk over to Jonghyun.

"Hey, where were you?" He queries.

"I went to find you guys but I got lost. You know me, it's my specialty." I wink seductively at him and he laughs. I feel someone staring and look behind me to see Byunghyun glaring at the two of us. I look away quickly, hoping Jonghyun didn't notice. By the way he was staring at his shoes, I think he did.

"Jong, are you ok?" He looks up at me wearily.

"Yeah hyung I'm fine...," he looks around before whispering to me. "...I already told you last night that I'd figured out a few things. I guess today I found out they were true." Before I can question him on what he means our manager calls I back to practice. I throw him a sympathetic look before getting into position. This will have to wait until later..

After a short, awkward car trip back to our dorm I am sitting in Jonghyun's room, trying to get information out of him. He's being very secretive, and I continue to push him, even though I think I know most of the answers thanks to my snooping.

Bad Chanhee.

"Jong, you're being too mysterious. Just tell me. You can trust me, I swear." He stops pacing the room and comes to sit beside me, twiddling his thumbs continuously. "Promise?" I nod and he breaths in loudly before speaking.

"Things with me and Byunghyun...aren't working out. I should have listened to you and Minsoo. We should have listened to you and Minsoo. The both of us. You kept telling us that this was going to fast, maybe we should slow down, take our time, but of course we didn't listen. Like you said, we're both just two bastards, two hormonal teens only trying to meet our own ual desires. I know Byunghyun doesn't love me, he never did. I knew when he confessed to me that he was only doing this because he needed something, or someone. I can't be bad mouthing him though, I never truly loved him either. I told him I might like someone in the group...that maybe I was gay....and then he confessed to me...and I couldn't say no. I wasn't using my head, I was truthfully just using my ." He smiles a little, making me smile too. His smile fades when he continues talking.

"I guess I really screwed things up now, because now he hates me and I hate myself. I should have said no. It might have hurt his feelings a little, but it wouldn't have been better than this mess."

I sat speechless. I really didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who's told you he fell out of love with your best friend? Who tells you that it wasn't love at all, just lust? I scratched my head and looked away, feeling pretty uncomfortable.

He sighs and stands up. "I better go talk to Byunghyun...wish me luck..." He begins to walk away.

"Wait! What are you gonna do?"

"I'm...I'm going to have to break it off with him. This whole thing means nothing, and if we keep it up it's going to hurting more when it really does end later. It's now rather than later, I guess."

I rise, grab his arm and look deeply into his eyes. "Be gentle, ok?" He shoots me a small smile.

"I'll try."

The dining table is filled with an awkward atmosphere. We all eat in silence, except Byunghyun and Jonghyun. Jonghyun is hardly eating at all (I haven't seen him bring his fork to his mouth) and Byunghyun is nowhere to be seen. A few silent moments pass before Minsoo speaks up.

"Where's Byunghyun?" Nobody replies. Minsoo looks at Jonghyun.

"I don't know." He replies looking down at his plate. Minsoo sighs in an irritated way.

"Is that what people do now? Not eat when they're upset?" I blush slightly, knowing that I'm the one who started that. It's not a thing to be proud of, especially when it makes Minsoo this upset.

"Chanhee, can you go bring Byunhyun down. Please?" I nod and push out my chair. I hear my heart pounding in my ears as I walk towards my room. This doesn't feel so good...

I knock on the closed door. No response. I try the handle and realise it's unlocked. I push open the door and find myself faced with an empty room. "Byunghyun? Are you in here?" I decide he's not going to be hiding anywhere and head for the bathroom. I lean my head against the door and I hear the shower running. I knock twice.

"Byunghyun? Byung, are you coming out soon? We're all eating dinner now..." I hear strangled noises coming from inside, making me knock louder. "Byung? Are you alright?" I hear sniffling noises before shouting is directed at me.

"Go away Chanhee. I don't want to talk to you, or anyone!" I hear sobbing from the other side of the door and feel my stomach sinking.

"Byung....come on.."

"NO! Leave me alone.."

I couldn't leave him in there like that. I couldn't just stand there and listen to him cry. I might not be on good terms with him at the moment, but he's still my friend no matter what. That's what counts.

I  turn the handle to find the door unlocked. I push it open and make my way towards the shower. I pull away the curtain with no doubts, but instantly feel like doubling back when I see the state he's in. He didn't even bother to change, he just sits in the corner of the shower, letting the water soak him and his clothes. His shirt is now transparent and his pants are clutching his thin legs. He didn't try to remove his makeup either, so foundation streaks down his neck and eyeliner coats under his eyes. He looks like one of those depressed girls from a drama, only in a worse state. A much, much worse state.

"Byung..."I whisper before walking over to him. I don't even feel the cold water sliding down my back, even though it's freezing to the skin, turning my toes purple. I crouch down beside him.

"Byung...what happened to you?" He continues to cry and refuses to look at me. I lift his chin up and look into his blood shot eyes. "Byung, tell me."

"Nobody wants me Chanhee....not Jonghyun...not even you." He runs his hands through his hair and lets out a cry that I'm sure could break glass if he tried. I wrap my arms instinctively around him.

 "What are you talking about Byung...why would you think I don't want you.."

He sniffles. "Because you aren't like me hyung...you're different..." I pull him closer to me, burying my face in his wet hair.

"I'm not so different Byung...I'm your friend, that's all that matters.." He starts to cough and I pat him on the back, attempting to help and soothe him at the same time.

"Come on...let's get out of here, ok? It's too cold anyways." I pull myself up off the floor and hold out my hand for Byunghyun. He grasps it but slips back onto the floor when he tries to stand. In the end I scoop him up bride-style in my arms and carry him out. He doesn't protest. I grab his towel off the rack and begin drying his hair. Before he can say no I his shirt and start rubbing dry the top half of his body. As I finish he pushes me away lightly.
"I can do the rest myself, hyung." I nod and turn away as he dries the rest of his body, trying to ignore when I hear him undoing his pant zipper. A few minutes later he taps my shoulder and I turn to see him with merely a towel around his waist. He ducks his head, looking shy. He passes me my towel.

"Your turn." I shake my head and put it aside.

"You have to go to bed first, you'll get a cold if you don't." I take his cold hand in mine and feel him shiver as I pull him towards our room. I instantly grab his pyjamas, allow him to change, push him to his bed and cover him in quilts and extra blankets. Once I'm finished I get ready to change myself.

"Wait..don't go." He says softly.

"I'll be quick, ok?" He nods and I walk back towards the bathroom. After quickly drying myself I wrap a towel carelessly around my waist before heading back to my room. Byunghyun is sitting up in bed, waiting. I find my pyjamas and start to put them on, I look over to see him staring off to one side, having the decency to look away. I finish changing and move towards my bed.

"Hyung?" He asks.

"Yep Byung?"

"Sleep with me tonight?" He asks timidly, and I quickly turn towards his bed. He shuffles over to one side as I turn off the light. I hop under the warm covers with him, feeling his heat mix with mine. We both lie facing the ceiling. The way I lie with Byunghyun is different from when I lie with someone like Changhyun. When I'm with the second youngest we both like to feel each other's touch, as if to know that the other really is there. With Byunghyun we only have to be beside each other to feel content. Shyly, I move my hand across the bed and find Byunghyun's. He jumps a little when he's feels the contact, but soon relaxes as I slip my hand into his and entwine our fingers. I hear his breathing speed up and smile, knowing that he can probably hear me doing the same. He shuffles closer to me so our thighs are slightly nudging each other. My heart beat pounds rapidly, and I feel happier than I have in a long time. When I lie with Changhyun, I feel safe and protected, but something is missing.

When I lie with Byunghyun I feel like everything in my life is complete.

After noteeee

4 chaps in one day (almost 10  mins till new year) enjoy my new subbies! happy new year!

as always,

ily xx