II
The Painful Truth (Uncut)
I don't know that I'd say I really fell in love with her, but our relationship meant an awful lot to me. I felt as though I could speak to her about anything, which for me was rare. I prefered my own company... maybe a result of my weight? My paranoia about myself...?
When we broke up I really was devastated. She had stood by me despite my self harm and my interest in men. She knew I was an emotional wreck at that point but she stood by me
But there was a part of me that didn't care at all...
Part of me knew that the person I was in love with was Jiyong... No would ever make me feel the way he did.
He was younger than me, yet he seemed so much more together so much more mature. Not to mention that his experience spanning years of being in the industry already was extremely intimidating...
At first he was so harsh with us all, I think Hyunseung and I had had the hardest time... the difference was while I was dealing with the pressure of trying to learn a dance routine and remember it in a day executing it with exacted precision I was also trying to hide who I truly was. I was trying to hide the scars, the lack of eating routine. Acting in the presence of everyone else...
Trying not to stare at the sweat beading across Jiyong's chest... trying to still my heart everytime he touched me or yelled at me cause I was getting the routine wrong...
I was trying not to want him, but I wanted him so bad... so when the oppurtunity arose I ended things with my bestfriend-slash-girlfriend. What I didn't reckon on was the effect that would have on me... I didn't expect her to let me go so easily... did I ever mean anything to her, even as a friend? Or was I so tiring that it was easy to say goodbye?
That was a bad week of cutting... I felt so helpless and seclluded without her. It made me want to chase her to the end of the world. I wanted her back in my life... without her I had what felt like no friends despite my living with 5 other boys.
I had hidden myself by my own reckoning so well that no one could have guessed at my preference for my own gender. Despite the fact that I had imagined the sweat from Kwon Jiyong's wiry frame; from that frail looking chest and that lean stomach...
But somethings don't remain hidden forever, and some I found out were more sensitive to the feelings of others than I had first given credit...
Daesung was young, he smiled a lot and was the best singer in the group. His dancing skills weren't bad either but obviously I wasn't any judge from that perspective. He was having a hard time keeping up with training and school work and trying to make it home by his parent's curfew and yet he never complained. Not once. He gave a 110% to everything we did and was managing to keep up with the rest of us despite everything else.
I had thought he had the same feelings as me as far as the desire to share personal feelings with everyone but I guess I had been wrong...
"Hyung...?" He had spoken softly after training had ended one day.
"Yeah?" I answered simply...
"Why do you spend so much time by yourself?"
A question I hadn't expected someone to ask quite so directly. I didn't know what to say. My discomfort was clear on my face. I often wished
"Hyung do you not feel like part of the group? Have we done something wrong?"
"Oh not at all. Don't think like that Daesung alright, you'll make hyung feel bad."
Why did I suddenly feel like this person could be trusted... was it the fact that I could sense pain in him too? But if he does he always hides it behind a smile... aaah that's why...
"Well, I really hope that soon you'll feel closer to us and more at ease... we're like family now. We're a team. If one of us is hurt~"
"Sorry if I've been a bit distant I just... I'm not very good with people. I guess i'm really insecure huh?"
Why the hell did I just say that?!
Comments