As Daesung shoved me inside... I suddenly felt my heart sink... 

 

 And the internal debate began as words scuttled around my head...  

 

 He wanted to look after me?

 

 But you're a mess do you really want him seeing you like this?

 

 No, but he looked so hurt when I pushed him away... 

 

 He would pity you if he knew what you do to yourself. Is that what you want?

 

 No.

 

 No I don't want that...

 

 "Hyung, here let me clean that up..." Daesung spoke soothingly in attempt to stop me from pacing like a trapped animal...

 

 But I did feel trapped... I had tried so hard not to cut but... I just felt the restlessness. The hopelessness... The self hatred from eating dinner...

 

 "Hyung... you need to let me look at that." He breathed as he stopped me physically now standing in my way and trapping my shoulders in his grip...

 

 He slid his hand down my arm and led me towards the bed setting me down before rummaging in my drawer for the antiseptic...

 

 I couldn't help but wonder what Jiyong's reaction would have been... maybe he would have understood... 

 

 I wouldn't bet on that... 

 

 Sometimes I really wished I could turn off the pessimistic torturous voices... 

 

 Daesung knelt in front of me and lifted my shirt a little... his hands were cold and I shivered a slightly as his fingers brushed across my skin...

 

 "Sorry..." He breathed as he treated the small cuts on my waistline... "I wish I knew how to help you cope better... It hurts to watch you do this to yourself."

 

 I felt the tears start to push out as he now tended to my arm...

 

 "I'm sorry... I never meant to be this way... I just~"

 

 "I'm here hyung... you know that right? If things get too much and you feel like doing this again you can talk to me... I will try to help you..."

 

 "You are helping... More than I deserve." I half whispered through my tears trying not to sob...

 

 "Don't say that hyung... you do deserve to feel better..."

 

 Looking down into eyes of the dongsaeng kneeling before me I couldn't begin to describe the relief that washed over me at those particular words... 

 

 I do deserve to feel better...

 

 I reached out my hand and rested it on the top of his head but thank you didn't seem like it was enough...

 

✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞

 

 I was bleeding... 

 

 Jiyong could only stare in horror

 

 "Why?" the silent question in his eyes as he started toward my door...

 

 As he approached the doorway it seemed he only got further away...

 

 Part of me wanted to close the door but I loved him and he looked so frightened.

 

 My heart raced as I tried to decide whether or not to leave the door open before he got there but it was as if I was shooting backward on a runaway train... and as he finally broke into a run my heart moved and my arms just shot out begging him to catch up, to come in, to reach me

 

 "Hyung!!" He yelled after me breathlessly trying to catch the door.

 

 "Jiyongah!!!!!!" I yelled back but as the words came out the door slammed shut in my face and he was gone.

 

 "JIYONGAAAHH!!!" I screamed suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed, cold sweat covering my forehead. It was still dark out...

 

 "Hyung!?" A voice came from the hallway... The door flew open suddenly and Jiyong stumbled in breathlessly...

 

 Just like I had wanted in my dream...

 

 "I'm fine, I just had a nightmare that's all... I'm sorry I woke you..."

 

 "You called my name? You were dreaming about me?"

 

 That annoying smirk in his voice again.

 

 "Yes I dreamt you were less obnoxious it was a nice dream."

 

 "I'm sure it was." He giggled...

 

 He giggled?

 

 This was getting weird. Next he'd be~

 

 "Well... are you sure you're alright though... I know you were ill before..."

 

 ...acting compassionate again... I frowned slightly in confusion.

 

 I couldn't figure him out! One moment he was scary the next he was giggling?

 

 Why would he like you? I thought kicking myself inwardly

 

 "Yeah I'm fine, really..."

 

 "Thanks to Daesung..." He sniped.

 

 "I guess... I'm sorry if I upset you before~"

 

 "Oh no, not at all..." He cut in unconvincingly. "It's okay to like Daesung as long as you're both happy..." He sounded bitter as he turned to leave.

 

 What was that? A hint of jealousy...?

 

 Was he feeling possessive? 

 

 No don't be stupid.

 

 "Jiyongah wait..." I spoke trying to find the words to convince him... anything to keep him with me that little bit longer...

 

 He turned to look over his shoulder as if waiting for me to give him some reason to stay... as if daring me to ask him... 

 

 But I couldn't...

 

 "It's not like that with Daesung..."

 

 "I don't care what it's like with Daesung... I'm not worried." He smirked darkly...

 

 I couldn't begin to register the fear...