Eventually I had found myself confiding in the wisest younger member of the group. He was trustworthy and non-judgmental and if I had to I would admit that I even felt a little better about the whole situation.

 "I think you could trust them with this you know? I mean the thing about you liking guys... It's been a few months now, can't you feel that we're all here for each other now? I mean even Jiyong hyung is being less harsh and scary..."

 "I don't know if I'm ready for that..." I spoke suddenly feeling my heart give a jolt and my breathing start to accelerate...

 The mere thought alone of telling the other trainees about the fact that I like boys played on my anxiety. Daesung may have taken it well enough but people aren't all the same and what if Boss hears about it?

 "Hyung it's okay..." Daesung comforted sensing my fear and rubbing my arm. "You don't have to tell anyone if you really don't want. I just wanted you to know that I think they would take it okay. It's hard seeing you struggle to hide this from everyone..."

 What was this kid? So reassuring like some kind of fond uncle?

 What was I? Putting all of this crazy stuff on his shoulders when he had enough to deal with?!

 I felt even more ashamed of myself than I had before and was suddenly more aware of the itching hidden in my sleeve. I was disgusting and a failure and the itching became more prominent in my mind...

 "Hyung let's just go and eat breakfast huh? Don't think about it for now."

 "Thank you for being understanding... you're a really good dongsaeng..." 

 But even as the words left my mouth I felt even worse... he was a good dongsaeng... a good kid and here I was a complete failure dragging him down...

 

 I tried to ignore the impulse to say "I'll be there in a minute" and just not turn up at all, but honestly part of me wanted to see Jiyong in all his y morning glory... 

 "Ah, hyung you're awake finally." Seungri smiled patting his shoulders and setting him in a seat. Typical carefree maknae...

 "Get some breakfast quick we have work to do today. We can't rest just because it's Saturday." Jiyong spoke before taking in a mouthful of rice. 

 "Oh, yeah..." I replied picking up my chopsticks and tried my best to smile as I picked at the food in my bowl.

 We sat quietly for the most part with Seungri obviously chiming in every now and then trying to be cute...

 At one point he slapped my thigh though... I shifted uncomfortably...

 "Waaa, relax hyung what's wrong with you!" He sighed standing up and rubbing my shoulders... it felt nice, this is why I resented being close with people. Next he'd think it was okay to just wander into my room without knocking and catch me with a razor blade to my arms... I shrugged him off and stood up determindly.

 "I'm gonna go take a shower."

 "But hyung you hardly ate anything sit down~" Hyunseung frowned.

 "I'm not hungry but thanks." I tried my best to smile...

 "Well hurry up you lot and finish your breakfast yeah?" Jiyong spoke finally watching me with the strangest expression on his face... Was he suspecting something?