All I hear is raindrops

Falling on the rooftop

Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you

(Tamia - Officially Missing You)

“I HATE YOU, KWON JIYONG!! I HATE YOU!! DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN! I HATE YOU!!”

That was the first and the last time Jiyong ever witnessed his own best friend being so angry at him. The only best-friend that he ever had. A girl who came into his sorrowful and spiteful life. The only girl who brought colors to his life. And that girl was Sandara Park or, Jiyong would rather call her, Sandy.

Jiyong never had a faith in anyone, anybody. Thus, he never had a close friend. He never believed that such thing as best-friend did exist. But, that was long before he met Sandy. Sandy came into his life and dragged Jiyong out from the darkness he had been living in, but God had another plan. Sandy was in a coma for two months after being hit by some careless driver right after she spat out those words. However, she soon fell asleep more deeply until she couldn’t come back to this world, his world. She couldn’t stare into Jiyong’s eyes that were full of perplexity because of her last words. And Jiyong wouldn’t have a chance to see her smile and tears ever again.

Jiyong couldn’t stop blaming himself for everything. He was the cause of Sandy’s death. Even after two years passed, he still couldn’t forgive himself. He couldn’t believe in anyone but his own mind.

Jiyong casually walked out of his classroom, hoping that he would get to breathe some fresh air after his brain got fed up by all lectures his teacher shared about now-long-gone heroes. He slung his bag to his shoulder, and then when he looked back, he saw his four so-called friends were tailing along.

God, I just can’t figure out how their brains work! How can they always follow me around? As far as I remember, I never said anything like, “Hey, we’re friends, a’ight!” Yuck! Friends, what friends. Like there is such thing called ‘friend’. it! And one thing that annoys the hell out of me is how they call themselves, My Best Buddies. Well, they probably wrong, definitely wrong. They should’ve labeled themselves as Best Heart Stealers. Why so? Let me tell y’all about my friends — okay, it’s kind of funny realizing that I just called them ‘friends’:

Choi Seunghyun: Tall and one of the cool guys around this school. You can say that he’s a macho tough guy type, yet looks like a nerd. He always wears an Adidas jacket or a long thick coat which left me wondering how can he put up wearing that thing even if it’s summer! He’s the ‘prince charming’ of this school. Almost all the girls in this high school wants to be his girlfriend — or probably just want to make out or being ed by him. Well, who doesn’t? He’s got that six-pack abs, I tell ya! — well, perhaps.

Dong Youngbae: Honestly, I don’t really understand this guy. He often times is a calm, good-boy type, but sometimes can be hyperactive. He enjoys dancing lately, all those y moves that can make the girls in this school piss themselves.

Kang Daesung: This guy with his infamous eye-smile is really ridiculous! He’s a joker in the class. None of his day passed without making a joke. But, he’s got such a gold voice, always won every singing contest in school festivals.

Lee Seungri: Okay, this is the guy who has dragged the other three to come into my jaded life. A world that they don’t fully understand yet. Well, okay, back to the topic. This guy has a lot of friends — girls and also boys. He has these dark circles on his eyes that make him look like Panda. He is simply loved by everyone because of his suavity.

Yep, they are my ‘shadows’ who always follow me wherever I go. Sometimes, I just want to laugh my off because off their ‘loyalty’. But, one thing that they don’t know about me, I never trust them. They. This world. And even every single living thing in this universe. I only trust myself, my mind, God, and Sandy. Sandy… where are you?

“Guys, I think I’ve got to go, sorry. I have a date with Hyori.” Seunghyun’s deep voice shattered my train of thoughts.

“Damn! Hyori?! You’re going out with her?” Seungri seemed so engrossed with what Seunghyun just said. Well, duh, every boy in this school wouldn’t want to refuse the curvy body of that y senior. Every boy with their dirty minds.

“Jeez, bro. You just got yourself a new lollipop!” I tried to join and pretend to be interested with their ‘dirty’ convo.

“Hahahaha… you guys are crazy. Well, I’d better get going. Bye.” Seunghyun left with his oh-so-happy face.

“Don’t be too rough, remember!” Daesung yelled to tease Seunghyun who was in love. Seunghyun didn’t turn his back, but raised his right hand and answer him with his middle finger.

Those erts started laughing like some crazy wolves. While they were busy laughing at whatever ‘dirty’ thing they could think of, Jiyong saw a girl who walked limply, as if she didn’t have any single hope to continue her life. Her face was pale and she had a small petite figure. She reminded him of someone, and that someone was, of course, Sandy.

Jiyong stared at her from afar, eyeing her from head to toe. So Sandy. Taeyang noticed Jiyong who had been staring at the girl.

“She’s a new girl.” Taeyang suddenly spoke, though Jiyong didn’t ask a thing.

“Uhm… Ah, that’s why I had never seen her before.” So, she’s new here.

“I heard that she rarely goes to school ‘cause she’s sick.”

“Uhm.” Jiyong nodded. How did he know this?

Jiyong felt his phone vibrated and he checked it. !!!

And as if on cue, Jiyong ran and left Seungri, Daesung, and Taeyang without even saying goodbye. He ran as fast as he could.

Jiyong was holding one bouquet of white roses and made his way to a cemetery. Yes, today was exactly the day when Sandy died three years ago. Jiyong sat beside Sandy’s grave and he put the flowers on her grave. Now, there are only him, the white roses, and his memory about the girl, about his best-friend, about Sandy.

(Flashback)

“Jiyong!” Sandy jumped out of nowhere and took a seat in front of him who was reading a novel.

Jiyong didn’t even take a glance at her and still fixed his eyes on the book, tried to focus with the words that were creating imaginations and playing inside his head.

“Jiyong!! I want flowers!” Sandy tried to pull Jiyong out of his imagination about whatever he was reading.

“Flowers? What’s with the sudden…?”

Sandy snorted, “Why? We’ve been friends for a long time, but I never get any gift from you.”

“No flowers, okay? I hate them.” Jiyong tried to put his mind back into one piece after the interruption.

“Aish… you just hate everything.” Sandy mumbled and leaned her back on her seat.

Jiyong sighed, “Okay, okay. Just this once.” This time he finally closed his book.

“Yay!” Sandy jumped happily in her seat. “I want a white rose.”

“Rose? White? Aren’t roses red?”

“Yep.”

“Then why?”

“Because white is pure. White is you. And I want to start a new life.”

Jiyong frowned, he didn’t understand what she was saying.

“Jiyong is Jiyong. Never mind. Just buy me a white rose, okay?” Sandy smiled and made her way out of the café.

(End of Flashback)

Tears started to drip from Jiyong’s eyes. He could feel a warm feeling on his back. Sandy probably was hugging him from behind. If only he could turn back time, he desperately wanted to hug Sandy at that time when she was so furious at him. If only he could ask God to take him away instead of her. It should’ve been him who died, not Sandy.

Jiyong stood up and left the white roses on Sandy’s grave. He saw a shadow, a shade that resembled Sandy. Jiyong wasn’t sure what it was, but it stood beside him and said, “Thank you, I’m just fine.” Jiyong startled for a moment and when he blinked his eyes, Sandy was already gone.

Jiyong hated Monday. Jiyong hated the fact that he hated Monday. During the class, he decided to go out of the classroom and went to the rest room to wash his dull face. Once he was in his high school’s boy restroom, he went to the sink and splashed his face with the water from the tap. Then, he looked at his own reflection in the mirror.

Why am I still alive? I don’t deserve to step my filthy feet on this world. My life is full of lies and untruth, and I hate it. Is it because God doesn’t love me? Why does He have to take Sandy away? Sandy deserves to live. Sandy should’ve been here right now instead of this fake reflection that lies in the mirror. Why do I still have the right to live while Sandy doesn’t? She deserves to live much more than I do, a person who’s fake, filthy, and full of hatred. Hatred towards myself who still lives in this world, them — Seunghyun, Seungri, Daesung, and Taeyang — who I have been used to cover everything up to show the world that I’m fine and just a normal boy, and my family — people who never really care about me and never think how badly hurt I am, on the contrary, they simply think that I’m just some sort of a mental kid.

Jiyong drowned deeply in his own thoughts. Suddenly, he realized that his converse was wet by water. He glanced to one of the toilet stalls in the restroom, that was where the overflowed water from. Not long after that, the water started to turn reddish.

Is this… blood?

Jiyong panicked when he saw that the blood was still flowing together with the water. It was a quite amount of blood. He barged in to the door of that stall and tried to open it. Fortunately, it wasn’t locked. When he opened the door, he saw a girl lying on the floor with one arm full of cuts. She was the girl that he and Taeyang saw yesterday.

Jiyong’s face turned pale as panic and perplexity hit his system. He shook her body, trying to find any sign that this girl was still alive. Apparently, she was. The girl slowly started to open her eyes, and then she smiled.

“Thank you, I’m just fine.” Then her eyes shut again.

Jiyong startled. This girl, once again, reminded him of Sandy. Jiyong tried to help her. He took all the tissues in the rest room and tried to wrap all of it to her bloody arm. The girl started to regain back her consciousness slowly.

“Why are you trying to kill yourself?” Jiyong asked a stupid question in a really really wrong time.

The girl remained silent.

Jiyong finished wrapping the tissues to her arm and made sure that her arm had stopped bleeding. “If you want to commit a suicide, go somewhere else. Not here.” Jiyong coldly said as he stood up. He left her and walked towards the door.

“If I didn’t do it here, I wouldn’t have a chance to meet you.”

Jiyong stopped for a moment and turned his back, “Who are you?”

The girl tried to stood up and hardly grab a hold of the door knob near her to keep her balance,

“My name is Sandara Park.”