I really feel like punching myself in the face for posting this.

Enjoy... or probably not.

This fanfiction is 5 chapters long, I just wanted you guys to know that. 

Chapter 1.

LuHan wakes up and all he sees is white; plain white and a few messy words written in Mandarin on a black colour. His arms are being held by hard, cold, brown leather belts that kept his arms tied up on the white iron of the thin bed. He struggled a little in hope he can get loose, but gives in and throws his head back into the pillow.

He stares at the roof for what seems ages to him, and that’s when his brain starts to torture him again. Soft voices like whispers messing up with the boy’s morning. He presses his eyes shut and holds himself back from yelling them to shut up and leave him alone, - he has tried one too many times and it was never possible – the voices don’t stop, but he hopes his mind sends him back to the darkness of sleep.

The voices seem much lower when the door opens up and does the loud noise it usually did, and LuHan now remembered to breathe. A tall, dark skinned woman comes in, a carpet between her forearm and ribs and a transparent container with two pills of different colours – white and blue – are everything LuHan can eye since his head was still back, buried deep on the pillow. The woman gives him a warm smile when she notice he can see her from the corner of his eye, but LuHan ignores it and eyes back at the roof.

“Lu Han.” She said, eyes now on the carpet. “Nine a.m.”

LuHan’s eyes were still on the roof, avoiding eye contact or contact at all.

The woman starts taking off the rough, leather belts off LuHan’s wrist. LuHan now is sitting, rubbing his wrists and looking at the woman, his brow now furrowed and his gaze turning to the pills and back at the woman. LuHan takes the container without hesitation and brings it to his mouth, tilting it forward enough for the two pills to fall on his tongue, before swallowing both of them. His throat now feels tight, like a nod was being tied inside it.

“Water?”

LuHan shook his head and fell back into the bed, curling up to face the wall and adapting into a fetal position.

“Food?”

“I’m not hungry, go away.”

The lady opened and then closed it, before leaving a tray on the night stand beside his bed.

LuHan waited for the woman to leave and the sound of the door shutting before sitting on the end of the bed, his legs hanging on the edge as he eyed the ground and then the tray beside him. – bananas, apple juice and jam and cheese sandwich – A grin left LuHan’s lips as he brought the sandwich close to him and took a bite. The first piece tasted awful; of course, it was the first thing he’d eaten after those disgusting pills.

And they started again, but they weren’t whispering anymore, it was more like yelling, insulting LuHan’s defenceless guts as he drove his hands to his ears and pressed his eyes shut, rocking himself back and forth on the bed. “Stop… please.” He managed to say, between sobs and short-of-breath words that were betraying his confidence.

It wasn’t the first time he’d ask: why me?

The day went on and LuHan did his best not to hit his head against the wall. It was impossible to ignore them, they were whispering and shouting right on his ear, it was the worst. His eyes went black for a second, and he came back with a dizzy sensation.

What is wrong with him today?

Lunch break.

But why break?

It was the same goddamn place and he couldn’t take a break from the voices mouthing disgusting words into his ear, he couldn’t take a break from all the self loathing.

He walked out of his bedroom, talking slow, weak steps and running his fingers through the wall as he walked through the boring, white and blue, halls of the clinic.

His gaze was dragged by someone – something –

A person. A boy. He looked young. LuHan looked at him as he walked through the halls. He really was beautiful. Perfect nose and milky skin. Thick lips. LuHan’s eyes kept going down, from his lips to his jaw line, then down to his adam’s apple and his collarbones. LuHan kept eyeing the boy, but he didn’t even look back at him at the corner of his eye.

LuHan was curious – Who is he? He had never seen him before. What’s his case? Why is he here? Why is such a beautiful soul suffering? Who is this person?

LuHan kept on walking, gaze on the ground, fingers tangling on the fabric of his sweater. For a second, he forgot the voices. For a second, the voices weren’t there. For a second, the voices didn’t exist. For a second, only for a second. For the second he had seen the boy.

LuHan holds his red doll; he holds it tight and digs his nails into the silk. He suddenly feels the need to tear up the doll’s red hand, he wants to rip it out and tear it to pieces. He wants to tear the whole doll to pieces; he wants to hurt someone, someone like… Himself.

He looks at himself in the mirror and runs his fingers through them. Cuts.

Never ending red, fresh lines on his flat stomach. He looks at himself in the mirror with disgust.

For a moment his jaw dropped and he hurried to run his shirt down and cover his stomach. He looked at the mirror, focusing on the reflection of the person who was standing behind him.

Thick lips, perfect nose, milky skin – it was him. The boy, it was him.

He was looking innocently at LuHan. He looked shocked, scared. The boy shook his head before making his way out of the room.

LuHan turned around roughly, but couldn’t catch up with the boy; and that night, all he could think of was that boy.

The boy with the thick lips; the pale, beautiful boy.

The voices were now screaming on his ear, “you worthless, useless piece of .”

LuHan screamed, he yelled, he begged for help, he begged for the nurses to come and give him a thousand tranquilizers sots so he would sleep and end his ing misery, because, god damn it, he was so tired, he was tired of the three voices that messed up with his head everyday. He was tired of that one voice that reminded him how miserable he was, he was tired of the other voice that kept insisting on telling him to touch himself, and the last voice was the worst, that deep, threatening voice that told him he would find him; and although he knew it wasn’t real, it was impossible not to believe it.

And then the nurses came, answering his loud cries for help and tying his wrists with the same cold, rough, brown leather belts on the iron of the edge of the bed, and that’s when he felt the pinch of the needle on his inner elbow, and then the pressure of the liquid running through his veins. His eyes went completely blank and by the time he fully recovered, his vision was still blurry, but he could still see something – a face.

Thick lips, perfect nose, milky skin. Lips, jaw line, collarbones… Darkness.

He was lying on his stomach, the side of his face buried against the cold, white floor. Drawing invisible words with his index finger, leaving thin lines of blood as his arm moved around the floor. Rocking his leg up and down and trying to force himself to sleep, but it seemed impossible. It hurt, burned, and the feeling of the cold floor on his arm was good. He didn’t care about the blood on the floor anymore; he didn’t care about hiding his self loathing anymore.

That’s when he heard the creek of the bed as someone sat there. He turned his gaze up to face the person.

Tick lips, perfect nose, milky skin.

LuHan’s eyes widened like two plates, and his adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed his own words.

The boy’s expression was the same he’d always seen. Eyes wide opened; sad, shocked, scared face.

“Who are you?” was the only thing that came out of LuHan’s mouth.

The boy didn’t speak a word, instead, he only jumped off the bed and sat beside LuHan, legs crossed in a yoga position, his eyes on the blood stains on the white floor. He held LuHan’s wrist – his hands were dead cold – and turned them, eyeing the cuts that went al the way from his wrist to his arm. He pressed his hand closed, and LuHan inhaled roughly in pain, but the boy didn’t care, he kept pressing it, and by the time LuHan could loose from his hold, the boy’s fingers had already left white marks on his arm.

“Why did you do that?!” he said, standing up and stumping. “Who do you think you are?”

The boy looked at LuHan once again, right in the eye, and a tear fell down his cheek. LuHan widened his eyes as he saw the tear, and couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Thick lips, perfect nose, milky skin… Tears.