It was calm and the neighborhood still. Melodies of the cool night’s air whispered with the gentle chippering of the crickets harmonized through the evening. Peacefully lying on the bed with my eyes closed allowing the symphony of music flow in my ears. Engulfed in my own free world the music felt like it was pulling me into a meditated trance. I found it ironic how my iPod shuffled selected Brandy’s song have you ever as if the song’s lyrics were projecting my inner thoughts. Again it came to me. Out of nowhere I began to think about the conversation I had with Chan sung at the park earlier.

“To be honest, I think she deserves better. Taecyeon never is really listens to what she has to say in addition even though I respect him as my Hyung, I know how selfish and stubborn he can be. I just hope one day she would give me a chance to prove to her that she can do so much better than what he can offer he right now.”

The mere thought of him looking at anybody else is hurtful enough but; Min Ja, seriously why? Of all people why my best friend? On top of that she was already taken by Taecyeon; Chan sung can you really not see me?

I felt embarrassed and stupid that all this time my heart has been completely invisible to him. And then the thought of wanting him it was becoming harder to forget, loving him more than I could ever regret, then losing him to my best friend extremely hard to accept… And yet I was finding letting him of the most painful of all. Feeling a sudden shortness of breath I felt my heart tremble.

 I was startled when I suddenly I heard a something bounce off my bedroom window.
“Oh damnit Batman.” I heard voice say when I slowly approached my window then I jumped again when a second rock came thrashing in putting a small whole through it.

“Oh, what the hell?” Who is the evil vindictive son of dirt bag throwing rocks at my window in the mist of the night? I thought to myself as I went to go opened the window the see who the disrespectful jerk was throwing rocks.

“Who in the blue Fuc__?” I stopped in mid sentence when I saw my besty Nickhun getting ready to chuck another rock at my window.

“Jae Yong-shi, what’s up girl!” He smiled and gave me his famous wink waving franticly to me like an overjoyed little kid.

“You gotta be kidding me…Khuny, what the hell man? You broke my window.” I barked back with and angry whisper attempting not to wake my mother.

“Oh my bad. I was bored so I wanted to see you. Come out for a while and play with me.”

“Dude its friggin 11:30 at night go home and sleep.” I retorted.

“So; come play with me.” He used at cute pouty tone that no girl could possibly resist, the charming lil bastard. Khun was good looking and he knew it, so he never seized raise to the occasion use his unique appeal on the opposite .

“No, I don’t want to I need to sleep. I’ll just see you tomorrow okay?”

“Yah! If you don’t get out here I just going to have to keep throwing rocks up there until you do.” He smirked at me while tossing a rock in his right hand up and down.

“Fine, fine, fine I’ll be down in a minute.”

This was so like Khuny randomly popping up at my house whenever he felt like it. Hell he practically lives here ever since we were in elementary school together. Lucky for him he’s the ultimate example of an adorable sweetheart making it easier for me to overlook his random unannounced visits but, hey what are besties for? I grab a hold of my all black sweatshirt hoodie and slid into my red and black checkered vans then headed down stairs to meet him. When I finally stepped outside I walk over to Khuny and he greeted me with a hug and flashy smile.

“Hi Khun.” I said to him while hugging him back. “Oh yeah, why the deuce where you throwing rocks at my window? I do have a cell phone you know; maybe a text or a call would’ve been a bit more reasonable.”

“I did call your phone silly you weren’t answering it.”

“What, did you?” Pulling my cell phone out of my pocket I looked at it revealing he was correct I had 3 texts and 2 missed calls from him.

“Uh huh…” He gave me a look of disappointment as if I was avoiding him calls and texts on purpose.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve been in a deep of a thought while listening to my iPod didn’t hear it ring at all.”  I explained then began to thinking about Chan sung once again. I frowned and my eyes hardened at the very thought of him. When I looked up I noticed Khun searching my facial expression out of concern.

“Something the matter?” Khuny asked me. With me best efforts I attempted to smile shrugging the thought off like nothing was wrong.

“No why?” Though my face was polite and very passive the underlining of my tone remained normal masking my emotions.

“Yea uh huh, come on let’s go.” Khuny dismissed my last comment blinking at me in disbelieve before suddenly grabbing my wrist guiding me to his car as he opened the door for me to get in.

“Yah Khun?” I tried to protest against our leaving but before I could even get out a single word he closed the car door in my face. Anticipating my response of offering some kind of lame excuse as to why I couldn’t accompany him quickly rushed to his side door.

When he comfortably seated himself in the car he reached across to buckle my seatbelt then his own. “Alright, let’s go.” He started to engine to the car and drove away from my house.

“You just can’t take no for an answer can ya?”

He smiled making a hard right turn along the curvy road. “Nope.”

Even though the entire car ride was conducted in silence I knew exactly where we were going. Every time when Khun knew I was bothered by something and I hadn’t found the courage to voice my concerns he’d immediately take me to the nearest frozen yogurt shop to cheer me up. Man I had such a love hate relationship for this kid. I loved how he always knew when something was bothering me and could cheer me up right away however; I hated the fact that he knew how get it out of me no matter how hard I tried to resist. I’ve never have been the type of person to let other people in my thoughts or express my emotions no matter how well I knew them. The only people that I would go to for advance were Min Ja and Khuny but in this case I definitely couldn’t go to her for help.

                                                                    *:･ﾟ✧♥♥♥ ✧･ﾟ:*

When we arrived to the shop Khun went up the counter placed our ordered with my usual as I sat down at table awaiting for his return.

“Here you go strawberries, fruity pebbles, gummy bears plain flavored frozen yogurt Prozac for Miss Kim Jae Yong, just the way you like it.” Khuny and I exchanged smiles as he placed the cup and spoon in my hands.

“Kasamneeda.” I said politely as he held open the door for me. I slyly tried to walk back to the car wanting to avoid the second part of the yogurt deal where he ambushes me with a series of questions like game of good cop bad cop.

“Oh no you don’t.” He said while grabbing a hold of my wrist ruining my quick escape plan.

“We still need to have a little talk.” Damnit he tricked me again. “So let’s take a short walk.”

“What? I’m fine Khun you don’t have to worry about me, nothing’s wrong honestly.” I tried to avoid eye contact at all cost not wanting him to see straight through my lie so instead I stared only at the ground.

“Who said anything was wrong? I could’ve wanted to tell you something.” Nickhun could see straight through my bull as a coy smirk appeared across his lips. I wanted to reply with a retort to deflate his confidence but I found it futile to even attempt to give it. He could be confident all he wanted but, in the end, it was going to be me who will ultimately make the decision to unburden my heart.

I balled my fist determined not to let him break me this time as we walked in silence continuing to enjoy my delicious frozen snack. Soon we arrived at small park nearby which we use to often come visit after school when were kids. I sat on a swing still not saying anything just thinking of all the fond memories me, Min Ja and Khun shared when we were younger.

I debated with myself back and forth on whether I should tell him or not but Khun simply said nothing to me trying not to push the matter any further until he knew I was ready to talk about it. After he finished his yogurt he came behind my swing began to pushing it for a while, just like old times. Slowly in silence back and forth I swung with him still pushing me. Taking in each breathe of air my mind started to relax a little more with every slow yet steady gentle push. When the swing came to a sudden halt and he popped the question I’ve been dreading to answer.

“Jae Yong-ah; what’s on your mind?” I was still too hesitant to respond so I remain silent. “Please don’t BS me…If you do want say anything at all fine but, just don’t say it’s nothing because you usually never take this long to tell me so I know it must be serious.”

Letting a heavy sigh escape from me I looked at the sand below my feet swirling it around in circles trying to gather my thoughts. “Khun?”

“Uh?”

“Have you ever cared for someone…So much so in your heart to the point where you give anything to make them feel the same?” He said nothing in response and just kept holding onto the chains of the swing. I shared finally, tensely playing with my hands out of nervousness. Exhaling a long sigh I took a moment to configure my thoughts before I poured out my emotions. “And then... when you want to tell that person; you can never find the right words so in the end you say nothing at all.”

“I’m flattered bestie but you’re not my type.” I glared up at him before slapping his hand jokingly smiling at how self-obsessed that sounded. “I’m kidding…” We shared a light laugh before he resumed pushing my swing. “But, to truthfully answer your question…No, I haven’t, why?” Assembling the correct my words in my head I paused for moment while still kicking the sand around with my foot.

“It happened to me today…” I forged on “Have you ever found someone your willing to give your heart to; but you find out the person can’t accept yours in return, because someone else already occupies it?” I pathetically said with childlike disappointment.  “And all you can do is sit around; and wait until the day they recognize even acknowledge yours in return.”

I figured I must’ve struck a concerning nerve with my last statement when Khun walked around the swing he bending down to look at my face to search my eyes for clues as to whom I was talking about. Before he could open his mouth ask me who his phone rang. Checking the caller’s ID he looked back at me then let out a sigh.

“Sorry buddy I gotta take this.” He smiled at me then turned around answering the call reluctantly.

“Yeoboseyo? Oh mom, why are you yelling at me?” I smiled a little as I heard Mrs. Horvejkul screaming at him to get his home in Thai.

“Okay okay. I’ll be there soon. Ok yes mom, yes mommy bye.” Laughing under my breath I could feel his cold glare shoot at me but I just continued smile at him. My sadistic side was loving it because I was having such a ty day I needed some kind of entertaining comfort.

“I’m glad I can make you smile again but that wasn’t funny.”

“Yes it was.” I replied with a low incoherent whisper.

“I have to get going now before my mom comes out here and finds me. Come on let me give you a ride back home.” He said as he began to stand up offering me his hand for assistance.

“No,” I let out a low grumbling sigh feeling worse now that my sorrow began to surface.  “You go on ahead I wanna sit out in the fresh air; I need to think a lil on the way home.”

“Are you sure, because I don’t like the thought of you being alone out here by yourself.” He scrounged his brow with concern. I nodded my head and smiled at him trying to decrease his worry but I wasn’t sure if I was completely successful. “Ok don’t stay out here to long, walk back safely and text me when you get home.”

“Yes dad!” I teased childishly.

“I’m serious Jae.”

“Alright, we’ll talk later.”

“Text me to let me know you got home alright?” Khuny smiled at me patting me on the top of my head then disappear from my sight.
                                                

                                                                *:･ﾟ✧♥♥♥ ✧･ﾟ:*

I’ve must have sat in that park for hours thinking. Alone again…There with so many thoughts running around unbridled throughout my mind such as my friendship, relationships and love. Even after a few hours of carefully reviewing and thinking over it all, I still never managed arrived at a pleasing result from every prospective I viewed it. What was right felt wrong; and what wrong felt right. In the end it just seemed to be no appeasing option in my heart. I’ve never had a boyfriend before let alone a first kiss. The only boy I’ve ever really liked was Chan sung. I felt so naive. When I like someone they’re the only person I ever see and no one else matters. I’ve liked Chan sung for about 7 years now and never had the courage to confront him about it. I looked at the time on my cell phone and realized it was 1:30 in the morning so I began walking back to my house. Placing my earphones in my ears I switched my iPod to random song selection then Have you ever by Brandy began to play again. I shook my head again wondering if God speaks through iPods now.

Have you ever? By Brandy


I smiled slightly at the thought that this song was totally the most appropriate to randomly cut on in a situation such as mine while I was walking home is silence.



Without realizing it I stopped in my tracks when the lyrics of the song a sensitive cored in my heart. Crouching on my knees I felt the air in my lungs shorten uncontrollably as I clutched on tight to my chest. I’ve been living with asthma since I was 6 years old; it’s a common chronic medical disorder within the airways of the lungs. Stubbornly when I was younger I refused to take my inhaler medicine thinking I could get better on my own but as time went on my condition worsted. Great and now I’m 21 years old paying for my mistake years later. When I was finally able to catch my breath again I looked up and saw a familiar face across the street leaving from a house. It was that guy from the park with the honey brown skin. What was his name Joe..Jai… o I don’t know something with a J in it but I saw him kissing a girl at the front door.


“What a nasty bastard, leaving women’s houses in the middle of dark thirty and not. Damn playboys.” I muttered to myself as I tried to regain my composer and stand up again.

Struggling to stand up I stumble around trying to get back on my feet then regained my balance. I turned to look back at the house the he was leaving from that’s when I saw him staring directly at me. For how long he was watching at me fumble around I was unsure but neither one of us were taking our eyes off the other. Out of the clear blue I felt my stomach flutter and my heart speed for some unknown reason. The feeling in my heart felt familiar yet different. It similar to the feeling got every time I saw Chan sung but this felt much more …powerful, why? This vibe; I felt like I couldn’t escape it nor figure it out.

 I had absolutely no feelings for this STD infested guy; hell I don’t even know him. Finally he was the first to break the eye contact as he hopped his car and sped away as if he didn’t even see me at all.

Why did he look at me like that?