Yesterday was a mistake. That was what he realized as he stepped into the office building… alone. Her confession wasn’t a mistake, but his senseless stumbling was. Why, why, WHY couldn’t he just explain his exaggerations at that moment before she wrenched her hand away? Stupid Kwon Jiyong; STUPID!

But oh, how… how could he explain to her that it was shock, and that the way he felt to her was confusion, a mess of tangled feelings? He would convince himself that she was nothing but his best friend, but each time his heart leaps to his throat, an unstable smile that fixated itself on his face, and the butterflies that invaded his nerves…

And fear. It was a maze that he was too cowardly to confront, a mixture that was too worrying to taste? It was tantalizing, beautiful and innocent, and yet he feared the word “No” would mar it so horribly, a spot of black that gradually spread to overwhelm. He feared rejection; he feared how their friendship might be burnt to worthless dust at his one move, and yet most of all, he feared loving her.

Could you blame him for living in the constant web of lies that he spun himself over his heart? And so he forgets.  

Even yet now he was confused. Who did he love more?

What is love?

Was it what he felt with his best friend, the way his heart tightens yet beats quicker, the sharp, briefest intense pain he feels when he sees her talking to another guy, and the longing to gather her up in his arms and never let go, the tranquility and peace, the effortless happiness, love?

Or was it the burning desire, the way of feeling needed; the adorable her that made him smile, as he feels when he sees Dara, love?

Absence makes the heart fonder.

**********************************************************************************

She was leaving. It was all that registered in his mind as he hears the chatter of his co-workers.

Six months. America. Vogue.

He was nothing without her, it was like a violin without bow or strings. They cannot function, HE cannot function.

He calls her in a panic but she never picks up. He leaves messages that signal at his loss as tears begin to slowly form.

He gives a bitter smile, it turns out he didn’t even have a choice on who to love.

****

He forces a smile at Dara as he meets her at the prearranged meeting area. He had no heart in the date, and all he really wanted to see was Chaerin, but a promise was a promise.

She links her arm into his and he flinches, barely noticeable as she begins to chatter away. He tries to force back tears as he blankly nods to whatever Dara was saying.

Why did you have to leave me behind?

****

She was watching, the feeling of pain hitting her worse than ever, fresh waves after waves drenching her to the point of drowning.

 Him and Her were on a date, a date.

His words, “I’d be seeing her tomorrow, and the next and the next…” echoed in her ears as she clenched her fists together, fingernails digging into her palm as her heart lurches and she feels unstably faint. His smiling face that came up dredged from her memories when he thought of her made her dizzy, dizzy in pain, dizzy in rejection… dizzy in love.

No matter how much she loved him, she guessed she really didn’t mean that much to him.

She just wanted to see him for the last time, but she would be left with such a memory. That he had moved on.

Her eyes fixed on him, before darting down to their linked hands.  She was getting out of here as she wiped the tears harshly off her face in a swift motion. The movement made her feel sickened as she shook in racking sobs, only to be broken out of her wallowing pity when she realizes the time on the wall-clock.

She tears her eyes away from the happy couple as she leaves.  

It’s time to say goodbye.

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be ok

But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in you know when I see it in stone

Cause you went away, how dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be ok

I know I was late, I know it even without my manager nagging at me every minute, and so would she stop? I resist the urge to roll my eyes; it wasn’t my fault the photo-shoot previously ran late.

I stop dead in front of the polished teak wood door, with the posh black plate and oh-so-stunning gold font words proclaiming “Head-Editor”, before knocking briskly, my manager still shooting me the evil eye which I blatantly refuse to acknowledge as someone calls me in.

I step in into the office; they were here to discuss a photo-shoot for the Vogue magazine… Right?

My eyes flit from the room to dart immediately onto the editor, and I realize she wasn’t alone. There was another figure sitting in the double seats she has arranged in front of her desk, facing her. The other person’s long blonde hair flowing loosely over her narrow shoulders catches my attention as she turns her head and I take in a stunned sharp intake of air: gorgeous was an understatement.

She stands up abruptly and bows a folder bow to him, “I’m Lee Chaerin. People call me CL.I hope it would be a pleasure working with you.” Her English was polished, it was good, but the slightest accent and her name gave her nationality away. 

I direct a smile, a slow smile that would have been mistaken as a smirk at her as my manager utters excuses on why I was late to the head-editor.

‘Hey. I’m T.O.P.  And the pleasure, I believe, is all mine.” I cocked my eyebrow as I held her gaze.

I was going to enjoy this photo-shoot, no doubt about it.

He lies on his bed, but the comforter doesn’t keep him warm.

He cuddles in the blankets; but there was no safety haven left.

His phone vibrates and he snatches it up, but the text message from Dara doesn’t alleviate his longing and he drops it again.

The emptiness that is his heart was too distinct to ignore, and too hurtful to forget.

The wind was chillingly cold, but his heart was colder.

He misses her. And the most painful about it is how the words “I Love You” have to be forgotten again, thrown under more misconceptions and hurt.

Tears gather and are released as he wraps his arms around himself, wishing she was really here. Wishing her hands were the ones wrapped around his, his foolish, foolish mistakes.

Love is too precious a word to say it too early, but it’s too heartbreaking a word to say it…

Her bed was comfortable, but it wasn’t comforting.

The air-conditioner was too chilling, but she couldn’t feel it.

Her fingers lay on the silk, ironed bed-sheets but they did not register.

Inside her was nothing; a feeling of dulled pain.

Empty.

A lone tear trickled down her face reflects the light from the gleaming moon as the blank text box of her message to him loomed before her—she just read the messages from her newly charged phone.

Have you ever wondered which hurts more,

Saying something and then wishing you never said it,

Or 

Not saying anything and wishing you did?

And every time you look at me I could go crazy but I don’t,

Say it but I won’t

Cause I’d rather be alone than lose you.

And all I wanna do is be next to you,

But I’m too tired to fight.

All I wanna say is I need you, babe

But how could you understand?

What happens if you turn away?

And everything turns blue and gray…

And I just wish I told you

Never Mind.

***********************************************************************************

A/N: Her phone was dead since morning, she forgot to charge it, and so she only managed to read the messages he left for her later when she charged her phone.

Also, do welcome Mister Model  TOP in this mess of romance! *claps*

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Note: Those who have time to spend do go check out my blog-post “The First Time”. It contains a little update about every story I have posted on this site.

Song Credit: Only You— Cassadee Pope. Never Mind---- Taylor Swift