I had no idea how many hours has passed when I reached my house. It was dark, but the rain was still pouring. I stopped crying somewhere along the way and just walked mindlessly until I found myself on my house’s gate. It was true then… wherever you go, you’ll still coming back home.

I pressed the bell and the gate opened up a moment later. I walked up toward the front door, where someone had left it wide open. I came in, soaked from head to toe and lost. Really lost. I could barely feel anything, it was as if my senses were closed up and nothing could come up to my mind.

“Is that Hyo Na?” I heard a voice from the kitchen but I have no strength to answer.

I proceed walking slowly toward the stairs. I felt so numb.

“Hyo Na…? Hyo Na!” I heard footsteps paced up and hands were grabbing me from behind and turned me back. I faced my Jakeun Oppa’s worried face. “What happened? Why are you soaked? Where have you been? What’s wrong?” He asked me all those questions while felling up my forehead and doing all kind of check on me. He was so warm.

“Oppa…,” my voice came out hoarsely.

“What? What is it?”

“Oppa…,” I out.

***

It was in the middle of the night when I woke up and found myself in my own room, dry and warm in my pajamas. For a moment I thought all was just a scary nightmare, but my heart still hollow inside.

I get off my bed and came out my room and walked slowly downstairs. I might should have noticed why the family room’s lamp still on, but I just have one place I want to be, and I walked there without taking a notice on anything.

I opened the room’s door and found my Keun Oppa slept peacefully on his bed. I walked in and closed the door behind me, then I walked toward the bed and slipped into his bed cover, snuggled beside him. I must have startled him that he has to turn on his lamp side and took off the bed cover from me. He sighed with recognition when he found out it was me. He turned the lamp off then he reached for me and hugged me tight as he closed his eyes again.

“Oppa…,” I whispered.

“Hmm?”

“Do you love me?” I asked him.

“Of course I do.” He answered sleepily.

“What would you do if I say I don’t love you back?” I asked him again.

“I’ll banish you out the house,” he said half asleep.

“Why?” I was in the verge of tears because of the nonsense answer.

“You said you didn’t love me, you’re no longer my sister,” he yawned and hugged me tightly.

“Does it always have to be that hurtful?” I cried again.

“What?”

“Does the karma for not loving back is that hurtful?” I tried not to choke.

“What are you talking about?” He opened his eyes, fully awake. He saw me cried and his eyes became aware. He the light again and faced me up. “What happened to you? Why are you crying?”

The room’s door flew open, revealing Joongki Oppa framed by the door. “I want to know that too. Was it that Kim Soo Hyun?” he asked bitterly.

Hearing his name is like needle stabbing through my skin. I cuddled up more and covered my ears.

“It really was him?!” He started screaming. “I’m going to kill him.”

“Joong Ki-ya... calm down. Come here,” Keun Oppa ordered him. Still gritting his teeth, he came and sat on the bed next to me.

“Next time I see a piece of him, I’ll chop him to pieces,” Joong Ki oppa said as he huffed and leaned on the headboard next to me. “What did he do to you? Did he cheat on you? Did he go to blind date behind your back? Did he… by any chance, hit you?” his voice grew angrier and angrier at each question.

“He wouldn’t do those kind of things,” I croaked, still holding myself, like a fetus.

 Dong Won Oppa caressed my head softly as Joong Ki Oppa snapped. “Then what? Did he ask you to break up with him because he likes another girl?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question, partly because it was right. Just thinking of it made my wall broke down. I unconsciously let out a sob.

“He did?! That b***ard, I’m just going to…”

“Joong Ki-ya…, calm yourself down,” Dong Won Oppa told him and unwillingly, he did. “Hyo Na-ya… how do you feel right now?”

I raised my head and looked at him. “My heart hurts….”

He immediately reached out for me and hugged me closely. I cried again in his arms while Joong Ki Oppa silently reached out for my hand and squeezed it gently.

I cried and cried until finally I dried up. Dong Won Oppa laid on the bed, pulling me along with him still holding me tightly. Joong Ki Oppa crept slowly ad placed his hand on my arm and tapped it in comforting manner.

The night was silent and the three of us still clutching on each other until Joong Ki Oppa broke the tension. “This happened once, before… hasn’t it?”

Dong Won Oppa let out a sigh. “It has… a long time ago.”

“It wasn’t this hurt before,” I croaked, remembering the night were the four of us hugging and clutching each other. 12 years ago.

“We were all broken hearted that day, weren’t us?”  Joong Ki Oppa said again.

“We were,” Dong Won Oppa kissed the top of my head and let out long sigh. “Was it only us?”

“No… of course not,” Joong Ki Oppa exhaled a deep breath. “Appa has his heart totally crushed.”

“What do you mean?” I turned to see Joong Ki Oppa gazed on the ceiling, looking at something we can’t see.

“Appa…,” Dong Won Oppa said. “Appa wasn’t as strong as you… or us. You were down, blaming yourself on what happened to Omma. We have you to protect that’s why we shouldn’t fall or shattered. But Appa… Appa fall deeper and deeper. He couldn’t even raise his head anymore. He hid behind what he does best.”

“Working…,” I realized. That’s what happened.

“That’s why…,” He pulled away and away my hair from my face. “… you shouldn’t hate Appa for leaving us. He still needs time to heal himself.”

Appa too… was hurt like me. He too, was left by the person he loves the most. We might have lost our mom, but he lost his wife… his other half. That must made him crippled, losing half of him. Yet he hide. He fell deeper to his sadness and couldn’t even look after us.

He left Keun Oppa being in charge for us. He was only fourteen at the time. Fourteen, when you should be a rebel and have the time of your life, he was left with us, three siblings that he has to take care of. I remembered he has to come to my school on parent conference day… still in his high school uniform. I didn’t think of anything that day, not even when my friend asks where my Dad was. Keun Oppa was my Dad that time. He was all the parents I could have. It broke my heart now… he lost his teenage days because of us.

He needs to find his own happiness. Not to get caught parenting us and had us interfere his every business.  Jakeun Oppa is all grown up. He could left and live by his own if he wants too. I was his reason to stay home. Magnae Oppa could have move to an apartment closer to his school, yet he decided to stay here… because of me.

“Hyo Na-ya…,” Joong Ki Oppa whispered.

“Hmm?”

“You know we love you right?”

“Hmm…,” I mumbled.

“You can come to us whenever you need someone to heal you,” he reassured me.

Need someone to heal… am I the only one who need it?