The plane flight was painful beyond words.

It felt like someone had punctured a knife through my stomach and twisted it around with an incredible force.

It was not. Repeat,  NOT a good idea to spend 14 hours flicking through love struck texts and photos and videos. 

The sweaty tips of my fingers fumbled with the Samsung as I clicked on one of the clips stored in my gallery. Despite the grainy visuals of the video, I could heard Jiyong's voice and footsteps echoing on tarnished floor. Suddenly his face appeared on the screen.

I hadn't seen this video before.

A cheeky grin crept upon his face and he bit his bottom lip.

"Amber-ssi. You're sleeping right now. I stole your phone, but I'll make up for it"

He put his finger to his lips and looked up, whilst still walking.

"I'm looking for Caleb's unit..."

Then I realised, he must have taken this video whilst I was still in hospital and Caleb was still a newborn. He was in one of the wards.

"...-found him"

He filmed Caleb's cot. I felt hot tears run down my cheeks while my eyes were glued to the screen. Shi*t I missed him. I missed both of them. My son was only a day or so old which that video was recorded. Ji started talking in the back ground.

Seeing them both together was just...too much to bear.

"Isn't he beautiful? God, he's not even my kid but I like him. I just want to say that I hope you know that what you've done is daebak. Bringing new life into the world and everything. Your sister will truly be happy. You know you make me happy right?..I love you...a lot"

As much as I knew this man, I'd never heard him say something so straightforward.

On tape, he turned the camera round to himself, and ran his fingers through his pink hair.

"...Amber I don't give a about YG. I know it still bothers you, but we're stronger than this right? If we...If we...separate again....I swear I'll go crazy. Don't leave me, yeah?"

Click.

Black screen.

Silence.

I remained silent for the duration of the trip.

***

"You can call me Mom, you know"

I looked over at my mother who sat opposite me at the dining room table. It was the first time I'd seen her in months. 

After I'd found out that she'd had numerous affairs behind my father's back when I was a teenager, we had never been close, and we never would be. To me, she was a person that owned a house that I could live in. Temporarily.

I resumed back to stirring my coffee, staring into nothing, whilst she shifted her weight from one foot to another, draped in some sort of heavily pattered shawl that resembled a carpet.

I was sure that Ji had something like that in his wardrobe. Somehow, a small smile escaped my mouth. It did not go unnoticed.

"What are you smiling at?" 

Why did she sound so happy?

"Nothing."

After yet another, familiar awkward moment, she began pelting me with questions.

"How is your life going?"

...Bit of a vague question...

"Lena told me you were settling down with someone."

Lena told her that? My sister swore never to communicate with my mother as soon as we set foot in Korea. Did she happen to tell her that got knocked up for her as well? I scowled.

"...I'm not with anyone, mother"

"Well what's that?"

Her wrinkled fingers grabbed my left hand and inspected the bronze couple ring encircling it. I snapped my arm away from her. 

I'd totally forgotten about the ring. After Ji had bought it for me in Japan, I hadn't taken it off. It was almost a part of my body. I couldn't remove it, I just couldn't. The words 'Saranghe' were engraved on it's surface. I ogled the piece of jewelry, then turned my attention back to my food. 

"...It's nothing"

"Don't tell lies, darling-"

"-Don't call me that"

I pulled my hood over my head and walked straight out of the terrace house before I lost control. Don't tell lies? Don't tell lies?! Hypocrite.

Los Angeles was only an ideal place to live in, if you had money. Something my family didn't have. I missed Korea. I guess you only treasure some things once they're gone.

My phone rang, for the first time in the week I'd arrived in my home town.

Incoming call. It was an unknown number.

I pressed;  answer.

For a moment, there was no sound. I didn't say anything, I just listened.

Then the faint croak of his voice made me sit upright. He sounded out of breath. 

"AMBER?! AMBER?! AMBER IS THAT YOU?!....AMBER-"

When Ji began to shout whilst repeating my name, my heart almost stopped. 

I wanted to reply, but my mouth was so dry that I couldn't speak. 

"...Where are you? What did he do to you?"

He must have guessed it was YG that had pushed me so far. 

He was sobbing, and coughing. He sounded very ill.

"Where are you?!?"

I burst into tears.  I sat cradling the phone, crying my eyes out, with no words coming from my lips.

"Ji, I...I...Just forget me, yeah? I can't...we can't be together..."

He tried to clear his throat, but I heard him gasping and gagging. I began to panic.

"...Ji...JI. JIYONG?!"

Oh God. Oh God, what was happening?-

I heard a crash.

He'd dropped the phone, leaving me almost screaming his name down the other end. 

I caught myself. There was nothing I could do.

Manically, I rang T.O.P. This man almost never picked up his phone.

It rang, and rang, and rang. I cursed under my breath.

Suddenly, he picked up.

"JIYONG'S ILL. OR SICK. OR SOMETHING, HE'S NOT PICKING UP, YOU HAVE TO-"

"..Amber..is that you?"

"YES, I-"

"Woah, slow down. Tell me what's wrong"

I kept tripping over my words.

"JIYONG-"

"What about him? W-W...How did he contact you?"

It was Seunghyun's turn to be puzzled. The rapper's raspy voice began to fade out on the phone. He sounded extremely confused, or suprised that I'd spoken to Ji. I was panicking too much to question why, I just needed his help.

"I was talking to him, the he just...he gagged and he dropped the phone, can you please...can you just check up on him?"

My request was answered with a heavy sigh.

An uneasy feeling began to settle at the bottom of my stomach.

"...TOP...Are you still there?"

"...Amber-ssi"

He never usually called me that.

"What do you mean, how did he contact me?"

"...Amber, He packed up his bags and left. He's gone to the military"