**This chapter contains some suggestive (not explicit) content

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             We didn’t talk much after that. In fact, it had been a good deal of days before I really even saw Jong. Not that he hadn’t come home, or anything; but that he was so invested with work and me, the wedding, that our paths rarely coincided. Instead, we would leave notes for each other, simple “I love you’s” and “have a nice day, sweetheart” messages on Post-it Notes on the fridge, the coffee pot, the bathroom mirror—anything to show at least some effort. And honestly, I wasn’t mad at him. How could I be? I didn’t even think he was mad at me—it just, for whatever reason, seemed strained lately. But I chalked the majority of the tension up to the wedding planning and the fact that my fiancée was having a hard time with his celibacy.

            As a result, three things were born from this foreknowledge of mine: one, I decided to start taking my pills, just in case. I was really feeling like a basket-case lately, what with the wedding and all. Besides all that, I found myself caring more about Key than I ever hoped I would, and started to wonder if that, too, was part of Jonghyun’s anxiety. I felt bad, of course, and decided to pull away from my partnership with him, at least for a bit. 

            We had Key over for dinner a few days later, which went smoothly enough, at least on the surface. I was mostly quiet for Jong's sake, and Kibum didn't press anything, being the intuitive creature that he was. Instead, I allowed the "bromance" between them take center-stage, and any time Key asked things about the wedding, I quickly redirected the conversation to something we could all enjoy so that Jonghyun wouldn't feel left out. For the most part, I enjoyed watching them interact at the table when they didn't know I was watching; I was washing dishes in the kitchen when I saw them cracking jokes in low voices and smiling secretly at each other. They really did seem like best friends, but could it be possible... that they were more?

            I quickly cast the thought aside, shaking my head in protest. "No way, Raina," I remind myself. "Rex said he wasn't gay..."

            I watched them a little more. There was nothing about their demeanor to suggest anything; not that I believed homouality could so easily be boxed into one-dimensional precepts and stereotypes. But, I mean, it wasn't like they were pawing at each other or anything. Jong often placed his hand on Key's shoulder, but my Jonghyun was a skinship kind of guy to begin with. And Key responded almost bashfully, but that's only because Jong to much, also a part of Jong's personality. He was the same with me, his best friend, so why wouldn't he treat his other best friend similarly? 

            And here is where the third change came in, though it was a little more private. The third thing happened in my mind, and wasn’t so much an action as it was a thought. I started thinking of this little secret more and more; I was hungry to define it. To understand it. To even see what it looked like, though at the time, I did not know why.

           This change came the morning after Key had come over. I heard the door close and knew that my fiancée had left for the day for work, I decided against getting up and, instead, lied in bed to think the matter over more. And more. And more. I continued “thinking” on it until my breath began to get a little sparse. But why? Why was it, anytime I pictured Jong’s lips pressing into Key’s soft skin, that I felt… excited? This was certainly odd. Insane even. If those guys did something with each other, it certainly shouldn’t be a source of stimulation for me, a girl… right? 

            But my body didn’t lie. And it was very insistent on what it wanted. I started to imagine all sorts of things two guys could do to each other, surprisingly myself more and more. How was it that I did not find this repulsive? I didn’t even know how those sorts of things worked, but I was enjoying the imaginative speculation nonetheless: what if Jong slid his tongue into Key’s mouth? What if their bodies had touched, skinless and quivering, in the most delicate of ways? The shower, perhaps. Or a locker-room collision (boys still used locker-rooms for these sorts of things, right? I was so clueless...). What if Key began to touch that part of him that even I hadn’t touched? Had curled his fingers around the sensitive skin—or even his mouth. What if—what if he bent him over and…

            I unconsciously allowed my legs to fall apart. I was staring at the ceiling, red-faced and confused. Why the hell was I even thinking about this? There was no way this all happened… right? It just didn’t make any sense…

            “I’m guessing Key would be the one to take the girl’s role,” I say aloud to no one. Am I seriously having a conversation with myself about the uality of our best man and my fiancée? This was too weird. Did this mean that I was gay? Well, wait, that wouldn’t make any sense, since they’re still both guys…

            Still, I couldn’t shake the imaginary scene from my mind. “If he’s the feminine one, does that mean… does that mean he would be the one getting—”

            I can’t even bring myself to finish the thought. I was insanely now; mostly because I allowed my mind to wander onto the peticulars of Key's anatomy. In fact, all my mental attention was on Key, however, and not Jonghyun. I was watching, in my mind, Key being ravaged, not the other way around. I didn’t care so much what Jong was doing—I wanted to watch who he was doing…

           On a sudden whim, I reversed the positions; after all, if Key was the ‘gay one,’ wouldn’t it make more sense for him to have done something to an unsuspecting and experimental straight friend? I watched him as he rocked his pelvis forward with increasing speed, watched the expression on his face twist and turn with pleasure as he joined himself with another. I imagined how he'd sound; breathy and . This seemed like an even better fit in my mind, and for some reason I rather liked seeing Key this way: being pleasured and pleasuring someone else. In fact, I enjoyed the thought so much that I’d unknowingly slid my right hand between my legs as I thought more on it, until somewhere, in the mix of all confusing things, I had somehow replaced Jonghyun’s image with my own—yes, oh yes, this was the reality I like the the most, the one that seemed most fitting—and it was at that final moment of seeing his beautifully body anchored over mine, moving into me with slow yet forceful mastery, that my imagination brought me all the inspiration needed to finish the curious event that I had started.

            There was no one at home but still, I kept my voice quiet. I felt ashamed of myself when it was all over, for several reasons, but none I wanted to think on too long. I was both embarrassed and shocked at what had happened; my need for investigation only fueled that much more by my unsavory reaction. I wondered what Jonghyun would think if he knew; if he’d be angry. Here, after all this time, he’d been trying to please me this way, and I had gone and thought of another man to do it for him—a gay one at that. Up until now, I had little interest in ; so why was it that the mere thought of Kim Kibum hovering over me was enough to satisfy me in ways he couldn't even physically compare? 

            “I really need to find out what happened…” I say somewhere in the midst of things. Suddenly, the reality of all things seemed confused and complicated. Way more complicated than I’d realized. No matter how I tried to convince myself it was merely out of curiosity, it really wasn't the thought of those two together than propelled my pleasure... it was the thought of him with me. “If not for their sake, then for mine.”

* * * 

            I realize then that I must make it up to Jong somehow. I’d felt like I cheated on him in a way—or, at least, deprived him perhaps a little needlessly. He’d asked for anything ual. That made it clear that I didn’t necessarily have to sleep with him in order for him to feel better about the situation. Normally, I would have stood my ground, but it seemed a small penance for picturing his best friend inside me…

            Never, ever again. I'm never doing that again...

            I was thankful I was off that day. I decided to make a nice dinner for Jonghyun when he came home—and then surprise him with the rest. I didn’t really know what yet, but I’m sure I could do something to make him feel a little better. The only problem was, I didn’t know how to cook a nice dinner. Any more than I knew how to do anything else. To make this work, I was going to need some help—with the cooking, that is. And the only one I knew who to call on in these sorts of situations was Key…

            “Bum, can you help me with something?” I text him that afternoon.

            Immediately he replied: “What’s on the list this time?”

            I knew he thought I was talking about wedding stuff. “Um… a personal favor?”

            “Everything I do for you are personal favors.”

            “Pleeaasee~? It’s for Jong.”

            “Oh? That’s different.”

            Is it? I think to myself. It’s only then that can’t really remember the last time I’d done something nice for him. “I want to make him a nice dinner tonight,” I continue, “but you know I’m terrible. Help?”

            “Messy, is there anything you can do without me?”

            “No,” I laugh. “Come on~ are you going to refuse your best girl?”

             I pause a moment, taken aback by my own words. When did we grow so familiar? Suddenly everything we did or said fell under scrutiny—now that I’d had a little ‘fantasy’ about him, the situation seemed slightly dangerous. I don’t know what led me to say it, and I immediately regretted it. I was acting stupid all over the place today. I didn’t even know if inviting him over was the best idea. But it was all for my yeobo, right? Everything was for Jonghyun, so it had to be okay…

            But he’s gay, I remind myself. Over and over. And there’s no harm in crushing a little on a gay guy, right? It's not even a crush. Not really. More like a dependancy or a fixation, like a close friend would have. He's just like a girl friend, or something. Totally and completely innocent...     

            “My best girl?” he repeated, apparently amused. “Just because I’m your best man doesn’t mean you’re my best girl,” he teased.

            I stuck my tongue out at him, even though he couldn’t see it. “You’re not my best man. You’re Jong’s.”

            Key sighed here, as if in defeat. “Ah… ottoke~ Fine. I’ll help you. You’re so useless without me, really, Messy.”

            “Kamsamnida~!” I exclaim. “When will you be here?”

            “Ah, so pushy! Well, you better meet me at Kim’s around the corner.”

            “Wae?”

            “Because it’s going to take forever to get all the ingredients. You have absolutely nothing Italian in your house; nor, I doubt, anything edible in your kitchen.”

            “We have food…”

            “Is that what you call what you served me last night?”

            “Key!” I snapped.

            But he interrupted me: “Just make yourself presentable and meet me in an hour. I’ll take care of the rest...”