It was the night of Saturday. I tagged along the five members to their late night dance practice of Sherlock because I wanted to see Jinki. This was the only option for us to meet, with the reason being that they were a few months away from the release of the new album. There was no time to waste, so they had practices or recordings almost every day.

I seated myself in the corner of the room, while I watched the members get busy with their choreographer to perfect the dance. All the while, I was gazing at my man, following his every move, observed his hard work and admired his passion. At times, he caught me staring, flashed me an apologetic smile (because we couldn’t have a normal date) and made silly faces at me to keep me entertained. I chuckled whenever he did that and shook my head to dismiss his apology.

Because it was way past my usual bedtime, my eyelids grew heavier as the hours pass by and I eventually gave in to sleep. Their practice kept on going for god-knows-how-long, but when I opened my eyes sometime in the middle of the night, I realized that there was no music playing in the background anymore, and the only person left in the room was Jinki. He was sitting beside me, focused on winning a level in the game he was playing on his mobile phone. I stretched my legs, took my phone out to check the time, noticing it was already 4.48a.m. When I questioned him about the others’ whereabouts, he told me that they were getting some snacks to replenish their energy.

“Do you guys even sleep?” I shifted my body to face him and asked.

He put down his phone and looked at me, then cupped my face in his hands tenderly with a smile on his face. “Not really when the comeback is near.”

My eyebrows were furrowed and I returned the gaze at him. I stared at his face, his sunken eyes and the beads of sweat on his forehead that were all screaming of exhaustion, and my hands naturally reached to his hands on my face to squeeze it. My eyes and actions were conveying to him that I was worried about his well-being, but he only continued to smile at me as if it was no big deal. We allowed silence to sink in for a moment, and when he slowly leaned in to my face, we were interrupted by a couple of knocks on the door. He sighed, planted a quick peck on my forehead before leaving my side to check on the outsider.

When the door clicked open, a middle aged man was revealed and Jinki started bowing in 90 degrees to him after a short surprised pause. Seeing him bow so respectfully, I immediately got up from the ground and followed suit. The man chuckled and asked him to leave the room for a while, so Jinki looked back at me and I nodded to let him go. As soon as the door was shut, I couldn’t contain my curiosity so I stuck my ears to the door, hoping to eavesdrop their conversation as much as I could.

“The staff members told me that a girl, who is close with you, had been visiting the company very frequently these days.” The man said.

There was a moment of quietness, and I assumed that Jinki must have nodded to the statement.

“Mr. Lee, she’s just a close friend.” When I heard Jinki’s voice, I realized that the man was their boss that I had been hearing about. That cleared up my question to his identity and I finally could make sense to why Jinki bowed just now.

“Ah... Does the Korean fans know?” Mr. Lee questioned.

“She’s not my girlfriend...” Even though I was aware that we had promised to abide to the rules of the “game” he suggested, my heart sank when I listened to him denying our relationship so effortlessly.

“So nobody knows yet. All good, but just remember to be careful.”

“W-what?” Jinki blurted.

“It’s not a big deal, Jinki. You’re at the right age, it’s okay to date.”

A sigh was heard.

“EunMin, you can stop now.” Suddenly, the door was pulled open, causing me to almost stumble and fall. My face was flushed red as I realised that Jinki knew all along what I was doing. Mr. Lee chuckled once again upon seeing us interact.

“Just remember this, Jinki.” The man paused and cleared his throat. Jinki perked up his ears and directed his eyes towards the man once again to wait for his upcoming words. “Don’t ever lose your heart for SHINee. That’s the least you can do for the members.”

---

“That’s a green light from Mr. Lee for us to date openly, right?” I asked innocently to Jinki.

We met up again the day after, at the same practice room. The members went away for food again, and Jinki still insisted to stay with me. Fortunately, they only jeered cheekily at us and went their ways shortly after, leaving the both of us alone in the room so that we could talk. Ever since the visit from Mr. Lee that day, I couldn’t help but think about the topic of going public, which was why I decided to discuss with Jinki today.

To my dismay, Jinki shook his head and replied, “No, it’s not. You won’t understand.”

I pouted in sullenness, waiting for him to explain why he said ‘no’. Seconds later, he followed up with a statement that made me even more frustrated.

“EunMin, things are more complicated than you think. We can’t just go public because he said it was okay. There are still many things to consider about going public. You don’t even understand my situation and what he really meant.” He sighed.

I gripped onto the hem of his sleeve tightly, attempting to get his eyes fully focused on mine, so that they can see how confused I looked and how eager am I in need of a proper answer. When he stared at me silently for a moment, I averted my gaze away and let go of his shirt.

“The game.” I paused, letting a heavy sigh out from my mouth. “You suggested that because you wanted me to prepare for the worst, right? No matter how I think, it feels like the game is guaranteed to break us up instead of saving our relationship, am I wrong?”

I noticed his eyebrows tightened and he tensed up. He tried to hold my hand but I moved away, still sulky at the whole ordeal. He shook his head to disagree with what I said, then continued to fuel my frustration with his next sentence.

“I just wanted us to be careful.”

“Jesus, you’re hiding too much from me. You said you will tell me when the time is right, and I trusted you. But I’ve been waiting for far too long now and I hear nothing from you. All I get is all the stupid reasons like ‘I just wanted us to be careful’, ‘They broke up because they’re too busy to date’… They don’t even help piecing the puzzles together. Jinki, seriously, can you just come clean, like right now?”

When I let my words fall out without mercy, my heart was aching and I was in pain. The pain brought me close to tears, but Jinki was still in his calm composure when he listened to everything that I’ve said. He was quiet for a while, and the only significant change I could catch from him was how his face darkened by a little. I just wished for the truth, but he didn’t seem to give up on his stubbornness to hide the truth from me, yet.

“I’m sorry.” He only managed to spit out two words, to my disappointment.

As soon as I let the insincere apology sank in, I shut my eyes and tears began to roll down my cheeks. I began to sob, and I tried to rearrange my train of thoughts to find a way to carry on the conversation.

“I don’t think this is working for now. I need a break, again.”

It was the only thing I could reply to him. And it surely was filled with all the despair as well as disappointment I had for him. He shifted his body to face me, and I could see that tears were also threatening to pour from his exhausted eyes. He slowly nodded, then attempted to cup my face in his hands. I didn’t resist this time, still crying and sniffling.

“EunMin.” He called earnestly. I tried to blink my tears away, clearing my vision just enough to look at him properly. “Please just give me some more time. My hands are full with all these obligations as an idol now. I promise, I promise I will tell you when the Sherlock promotions are done. For now, we will take a break as you wish.”

He brushed my hair gently as he tucked in the lose strands behind my ear. I didn’t answer him, still trying to calm my saddened heart and overcome my overwhelming feelings.

“Just know that I still love you.” He added.

I almost broke into a sarcastic laughter when I heard his last sentence. It was like a déjà vu experience, and I was instantly brought back to the hardships we had been through in year 2008. I still remembered the moment we decided to put our relationship on hold through the phone call, and I still remembered how he said the same thing while I was also drowning in my own tears.

When I was brought back to the present moment, I didn’t have the time to react as Jinki leaned in to kiss my tears away. However, it certainly didn’t bring solace to me, and I ended up crying harder. Our tearful moment didn’t last long, because the door had swung open when I could still feel his hot breath brushing through my face.

It was the other members.

Instinctively, I pushed Jinki away from me and attempted to rub my ugly tears away messily. I still sniffled hard when I stood up and left the room in a hurry, leaving the guys in utter confusion. Unfortunately, I bumped into Minho a few steps away from the practice room, and he caught me in his arms immediately as he noticed that I was crying. I didn’t move nor struggle as I stopped in his arms.

“It’s okay EunMin noona, I’m sure everything will work out.”

Despite not knowing what situation I was in, he still managed to speak the words that sent me bawling in his arms and crying my heart out. I didn’t explain myself, he didn’t ask. We stayed in the position for a period of time, with him caressing my hair gently and rubbing my back in circular motions occasionally.

---

Jinki and I didn’t talk to each other for the next few days. While he was busy with his practices and schedules, I was thinking about our relationship for a long time. The more I dwell on it, the more negative I became, and by the time I called him on the 5^th day, I had already made a decision that I know that Jinki wouldn’t like.

The phone only rang twice before it was picked up by Jinki. We greeted each other on the phone, then there were moments of silence following after that. I was the one who started talking seconds later, and I started off by going around in circles, talking about how grateful I was to meet him, how happy I was to be his girlfriend and how frustrated I feel now. I talked about everything, anything, all except the decision that was lingering in the back of my mind the whole time.

Jinki must have sensed something off in my tone, so he interrupted me halfway through my meaningless, endless talk. His voice was husky, and there was a tinge of sadness somewhere in his tone.

“No, EunMin, we’re not getting there.”

I felt a sharp ache in my heart the moment he finished his sentence, as if a knife had just pierced through it. It felt like I was bleeding internally, my lips quivered, my hands weakened and I was then on the brink of tears. Taking a deep breath, I ignored his words and let mine pour out without holding back.

“Let’s break up, for real.”

“I said we’re not getting there!”

I was surprised when he abruptly raised his voice over the phone. Now, there was frustration and a little bit of exhaustion in his voice. I swallowed my saliva nervously and let my tears fall as the sadness slowly took over my whole body. It was my fault, I couldn’t help blaming myself for this cruel decision and for giving up on us this way.

“Jinki…” I called out weakly. His voice was no longer heard, but I know he was still listening, and maybe he was trying to hold in his tears.

A minute went by and there was still no response. When I addressed his name the second time, he finally replied me in a regretful and helpless tone, “Fine. Let’s end it.”

And then the call was cut. Just before I could hear his cry and he could hear mine.

The night was unusually long that day, maybe it was because of our sorrows, or maybe it was just because the sun had set earlier today. I wasn’t sure anymore, because all I could remember was how I drenched my pillow completely wet with my tears until I fall asleep out of tiredness.

A few days later, while I was still drowning in sadness, I received an offer letter to a university I previously applied for. I wasn’t as delighted as I should be because of all that had happened, but I did see it as an opportunity for me to leave this place that was slowly suffocating me. It was then I decided to return to Australia to pursue my Master’s, so that I could take time off from these messy thoughts and to focus on building my career instead, just like how Jinki prioritizes his work.

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