It’s been 2 days.

Yeah. It was the two longest days of my life, even longer and harder from my trainee days. As a man who almost never show my tears to anyone, I feel my tears has all been dried up by these emotions just in two days.

It’s all because of that woman, of course. There’s no other reason than that.

No other than that girl who smiles whole-heartedly to everyone, full of aegyo (especially to her fans), and always melts me with every little thing she did.

It’s no other than my very own Goo Hara.

Mine? Or used to be mine? Sigh.

We had wonderful time. My life has all feel easier after she came into my heart. I can share my problems to her, ask for her advice, and she always there to cheer me on and transfer her strength to me. Sometimes it made me feel useless, because she was always do her best and be there for me, whenever and wherever. I often feel myself lacking, compared to what she have done for me. Despite that, we had the best things a couple would have. Before that matter came up, of course.

It’s all started when she questioned me about those songs, the songs that I wrote and was put into our newest album, Midnight Sun. The worst thing is that she finds out ‘the confirmation’ through the news, because I’m sure right from the first time she heard the song, she knew it well who I meant in the song, but she didn’t bother to ask. I understand how she feels. There’s a song that I made while we had a little bickering—well, should I say a fight? ‘It’s Not Me’ was written since I was so tired of her suspicious questions, it was the scream of my heart that I can’t and never tell her before. Is it necessary to be that mad?

“I loved it when you’re making songs about me, believe me, I really do. Don’t get this wrong, but sometimes it’s hard for me to understand what you really feels through a song, I hope you can tell me in person if you have something you need to talk to me,” she once said that to me not long after we decided to upgrade our friendship, to be more than that, those sweet early days.

It could be my fault because she said that she hates it when I expressed my feelings for her through an implicit way such as a song, but it was never my intention to make her look bad or anything. I was just writing what I was feeling, and because she is my biggest inspiration, it will be more or less affected by her presence in my mind.

That night, I was going with Doojoon to have some fun and meet some old friend from my trainee days. I told her that I’m feeling stucked up, and need to breathe fresh air and have some fun, to refresh my mind after being  from one stage to another, from a country to another, never ending flights and camera flashes shining everywhere. She said she understands me, and encourage me to go, since she herself knows it well about that feeling, and how terrible it feels. So I went there.

No, not to Hongdae. I wrote it clearly on the lyrics, ‘I never went to Hongdae’. She suspected me that I went to a club without her knowing. She thought I went play at club, drank much and unconsciously flirted with a girl.

I can’t understand how on earth can she thinks that way.

First reason, she knew me well, well enough about me hate to go to crowded places. Second, she clearly knows that I hate it if I was bothered when I’m having my free time. She knows that I love calm and peaceful places to rest my heart and mind. Definitely not a club.

And about flirting with other girl, what more should I do or say to prove it that she’s the only one for me now? Why can’t she believe me? Am I that not trustable? The fact crippled up my heart. I told her I made some songs about her, but I haven’t tell her what’s the title and what kind of song it will be. I guess it just didn’t suit her style and expectation?

When she found out from the news sites, she sent a short text that slashed my heart into pieces.

“I said it if you have something to talk to me just say it. I am disappointed.”

I felt numb when I read that text. Don’t even know what to reply. I keep calling her number, not knowing what I should say when she picked up.

But there’s no answer.