If only love had an on and off switch...

You could control when to fall, and when to stop being so foolishly in love. 

Lay said he would let go of you now...

Easier said than done.

For a long time, his thoughts and almost his whole world revolved around you. So do tell, how would he take that habit out of him?

Lay found himself thinking whether you were home alone, if you were eating your meals in time, if you would get home safe…

And sometimes his thoughts seem to love inflicting pain on him since they always seemed to linger around you and your new guy.

Thoughts like if you were getting serious with Kris, if he was treating you better, if he was touching you the way he did, if he could love you better…

Lay was going crazy.

“Mei Hua…” Lay gave her a pained look.

Across from him, Mei Hua crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips.

“If you’re going to tell me that you’re about to go crazy, Heaven forbid, I will throw my shoes at you! I’m not even kidding, Lay,” Mei Hua, at her wits’ end, said.

The two best friends were in a university café, waiting for their free time to pass. They shared the same afternoon class and so the two decided to hang out. The coffee shop was jam-packed with students, drowning their conversation over the noises from other customers. Lucky for them to arrive just in time before the swarm of customers came. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have secured a table.

“Is it selfish for me to wake up every day and wish that she’s depressed and single? That she’s crying her eyes out and hopes that she’s miserable, if not more, than I am? Because I would feel absolutely better if that’s what’s happening now! I can’t stand her dating another guy and thinking that she probably doesn’t give a damn about what we had!” Lay said as he banged his fist on the table.

That morning, as well as the mornings before, Lay saw Kris dropping you off at school; not leaving without a kiss on your head, on the cheek, or at the back of your hand. Lay was about to be crippled by the pain he would feel whenever he saw Kris openly showing his affections for you.

Mei Hua scowled and took a sip of her frappe as she eyed Lay in exasperation.

“What happened to hating her, again? And how many times have we had this conversation? God, Lay! Please wake up already! You can’t even accomplish having a decent conversation with her. Remember the last time you talked to her? Look where it got you…to deeper . Move on! If she won’t be open to reconciliation, leave her alone!”

Lay dropped his head on the table and lightly banged his head on it. “Mei Hua, I thought I can do it. But it’s not that easy. I can’t do it after all.”

She rubbed her face in frustration, her temper rising even more with the thought of her make-up getting ruined from her actions. She grabbed some of Lay’s hair and pulled his head away from the table. 

“You can, Lay. The hell. You can. It’s just that you’re not willing to do it. And stop with the head banging thing, the staff is glaring!”

The two looked over to the direction of the annoyed staff.

Seeing that he really was looking at him evilly, Lay swiftly rearranged himself and sat properly on his seat. 

His head turned to look at the table beside them, and saw a couple sweetly holding hands on the table and the girl laughing lovingly at what the guy said.

Damn. How he hated seeing happy couples right now.

He shifted his gaze back to his best friend.

“I tried to hate her, Mei Hua. I tried to love myself more than I love her. You know that. But maybe I’m a suicidal fool because I can’t. Even if I hate the way she hurts me again and again, even if she treats me like trash, even if I feel like I barely have any dignity left when it comes to her, I cannot hate her. I just love her that much.” He sighed wearily as he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Well, you’re hopeless. It seems like you’re only thinking right when you’re inebriated. Maybe you should just be a drunkard! You have more sense when you’re drunk,” Mei Hua said as she pulled out her phone to reply to a text message.

Lay opened his eyes and glared at Mei Hua, who didn’t even cower from him since she was busy texting. He was pissed off with her but decided to ignore it. This was the usual Mei Hua. This wouldn’t be Mei Hua if she didn’t manage to spend time with him without annoying the hell out of him.

After a while, she tucked her phone back into her bag and continued where she left off.

“Lay, I don’t want to see you like this. I can only help you to some extent. There are things that are just not worth pushing.” She said as she looked at the mirror hanging on the wall at her side, checking if she looked presentable.

 “I thought you want me to be with her.” Lay leaned back and slouched on his seat.  

“I did. But now that you’re being like this, I don’t want to anymore. I’m your best friend, Lay. It’s my job to zap you back to reality. You’ll heal in time. But before that happens, you have to let her go. Even if you could only do it slowly, then do so. Just do something, dammit!” She sent him a glare on the mirror as she fixed her hair.

“So this is what Mei Hua’s been talking about.”

Mei Hua jolted from surprise in her seat and twisted her head sideways, looking towards the owner of the familiar voice.

“You’re here!” her face broke out into a grin.

Mei Hua hurriedly got out of her chair and hugged the newcomer. The guy eagerly hugged her back and lifted her off the ground, making her laugh in return.

Lay, who couldn’t believe at what he was seeing, remained seated as he looked at the excited interactions between the two.

The guy eventually put her down and smiled fondly at her. 

“Why are you here?” Lay finally got his speech back.

“Well nice to see you again too, Lay. Just because I moved out of the city, doesn’t mean that you will never see me again,” the guy sarcastically told him.

Meanwhile, Mei Hua pulled on a seat from a table that had just been vacated, and dragged it to their table. The guy politely took it and thanked Mei Hua.

“No. You know that’s not what I meant. Don’t you have classes?” Lay asked the guy as he settled on his seat.

“I don’t have class on Wednesdays so you shouldn’t worry for me.” He gave him an eye smile. “So why didn’t you tell me, Lay?” he casually asked.

Lay suddenly felt as if he was put in an awkward situation.

This man was his other best friend. But when he left and lived in another city, Lay stopped opening up to him. It just felt weird to tell him about his current dilemma over the phone or internet. That would be uncomfortable. But with Mei Hua going behind his back and telling this guy anyway, he knew that his best mate was disappointed in him.

‘Mei Hua, you little conniving person. Maybe I should attach you to me so I would know what you’re always up to,’ he thought as his facial expression turned to one of awkwardness, and scratched the back of his ear.

The guy just laughed at his apparent discomfort and punched him lightly on the arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’m a stranger now, huh? I thought you trusted me more than this person?” he teasingly pointed at Mei Hua, who narrowed her eyes at him and pinched the skin at the back of his hand.

Lay looked on in amusement at the two.

He was well aware of how Mei Hua had always harboured special feelings for this guy. What he was unsure of was if this guy was feeling the same way for her.

“Caught up with my own world, Suho. My bad. I owe you a drink,” Lay finally managed to say.

Suho tutted and shook his head. “Nah. You already stomped on my ego for choosing this one over me.”    

“Hey! I have a name, okay?! And what’s wrong with me?! I’m the best friend a person could ever have! I am a better friend than you’ll ever be, you know?!” Mei Hua protested and then slapped him on the arm. “Tell him, Lay.” She looked expectantly at him.

Lay just stared at her as if she was insane. “You were just blowing my ear off a while ago, Mei Hua. Maybe you should’ve up to me first. And why didn’t you even give me a heads up about Suho’s visit?” he said in a tone ready to reprimand.

“Well, your stubborn prevented me from doing so! You being caught up with your ex is a major source of stress for me, you know? If you think you’re having a difficult time, think about me who’s always listening to you complain about how you hate your life! Suho, give this person a piece of your mind so he could finally sink it in his head just how he’s being self-destructive.” She rolled her eyes at her best friend and looked at him smugly.

Suho looked at Lay, observing how his body tensed when Mei Hua was egging him on. He knew how Mei Hua would always be the closest to Lay. There were things that he could only tell Mei Hua. But with Mei Hua being a girl, there was a limit to how much she could understand Lay.

Lay had always been hard-headed. He was determined to get whatever he wanted. And with his current situation with you, he knew how ed up Lay must really be feeling.

Suho propped his elbow on the table and leaned his chin on his palm.

“I think you’re the person who knows what’s best for you, Lay. Do what you want to do. You can’t just stop loving a person. If a chance opened up again, then grab it. Do what you can until you either get what you want or until you finally grew tired of your fruitless efforts. You don’t have fate in your hands, but you have the choice. Choice to be happy, and the choice to where to get it from.” He smiled kindly at him. “And right now, it’s my choice to grab a drink and talk about something else with you guys since I only got an hour before I need to leave.”  

Lay had to admit he missed Suho’s presence. He didn’t realize it until he spent time with him again.

Suho had this certain calmness in him that seemed to be passed on to those who were with him. It was nice talking to him again.

Mei Hua and Lay were almost late to their class since she insisted that they see Suho off to the bus station. Lay decided to humor her so they could spend more time with him.

It was puzzling to see how clingy she was to Suho if he didn’t know the fact that Mei Hua likes him. She was acting off that even Suho noticed. Just to see her smile again, Suho promised to meet them at the end of the month.

Mei Hua brightly smiled after that, and that smile never left her face throughout the journey back.

Lay blew out a sigh of relief when they found out that they arrived earlier than their professor.

The two have just taken their seats when the instructor came in to the classroom. He took out his students list and began doing the roll call.

Halfway through it, a knock disturbed the class and the professor went to the door to attend to that person.

He could be seen talking to someone. What they were talking about, Lay had no idea since he was sitting at the back.

He just opted to grab his book then from his bag and placed it on top of his table; flipping through the pages since this professor was known for terrorizing his class with recitation.

“I think there’s an extra seat at the back, miss. You can find your way.” Lay heard the professor said in a loud voice, and then he heard footsteps coming towards their direction.

He was focused on trying to remember some key words when Mei Hua suddenly elbowed him hard at the gut, making him wince in pain. He was ready to bite her head off when she put her hand to his chin, and manoeuvred it to look at the person coming their way.

His anger diffused automatically and his expression turned to one of surprise. His eyes widened and he could feel his heart thumping wildly in his chest as he saw the last person he expected to see.

You failed to come in your morning class since you and Luhan had to fetch your dad from the airport. You had not seen him in months, and you just had to miss your class just to see him earlier.

Good thing, your professor in Philosophy was understanding and kind. He replied to your text message, letting you know that he was permitting you to attend his afternoon class instead.

What you failed to take into consideration was that Lay was taking that same class in that afternoon session.

Imagine the shock you felt when you raised your head to see what your heart had been secretly longing to see for months now.

You halted in your steps from the surprise of seeing him there, and you mentally berated yourself for not remembering this relevant information.

You would’ve at least felt happy seeing him here. But when you turned your attention to the person beside him, your blood began to boil again. Pretty girl Mei Hua was holding Lay’s chin as they both looked at you.

You hurriedly steeled yourself from any emotion.

You scanned the seats at the back , and to no surprise, since you’ve already accepted your bad luck; the only available seat is the one beside Lay.

You bit your lip and chewed on it as you went begrudgingly to your doom.

As you took your seat beside him, you felt his body turn rigid on his seat.

You positioned yourself to face the opposite side of him so you could just ignore him.

Minutes into the discussion, you glanced at your wrist watch to see that you still have more than an hour to endure.

‘I shouldn’t have missed the earlier class,' you mentally whimpered.

You were about to go crazy.

No matter how much you fight it, Lay’s presence was affecting you.

No matter how much you deny it, what bull he did to you didn’t even lessen the love you feel for the guy sitting just beside you.

The torture you were feeling was just too much.

Your heart just wouldn’t stop beating erratically. You were too much aware of him.

'What the hell!'

You finally decided to risk glancing at him.

Meanwhile, Mei Hua was the entertained onlooker.

She saw as you turned your head subtly to look at Lay ,and saw you blushing stupidly when you saw him staring back at you. The two of you averted your respective eyes at the same time.

You turned to look at the other side, while Lay just scratched the back of his head.

This is so middle school.

She rolled her eyes but mentally laughed.

Lay was so different when he’s with you. It was almost funny.

As the class continued on, you and Lay were lost in your own thoughts, not hearing anything that your professor was talking about.

‘Oh , what did just happen?! Did he just look at me? Well he told me he loved me. Maybe he still loves me? Ugh. Lay stop tormenting my confused heart. Don’t look so adorable. Don’t make me forget that your evil best friend is just sitting beside you. Why do you have to be more handsome than the last time I saw you? Lay, I miss you so much! I want you to play songs for me with your guitar and sing for me again. I want to see your dimple. I want to be in your arms. I want to be with you again. Stupid pride. I love you, Zhang Yixing.’

‘You’re looking at me. Do you miss me? Because I missed you. Can things just be easy? Can you look at me the same as before? When your eyes used to sparkle whenever you see me? When you would sweetly smile at me? When you would tell one of your impromptu jokes that would only make me love you even more? When you would do things just to get a rise out of me? I love you, when would that be enough for you?’

The two of you only got out of your reverie when you heard the scraping of chairs and movements from your classmates.

You looked at your surroundings and saw your classmates pairing up with each other. You suddenly felt confused and nervous about missing your professor’s instructions.

Beside you, Lay looked curiously at Mei Hua and she shook her head at him for not paying attention.

“Sir told us to pair up and answer the question he had written on the board. Hurry up, lover boy. We only got 40 minutes until the end of class.” Mei Hua then grabbed her paper and moved closer to her other seatmate.

“Mei Hua, what are you doing?”

“Uhhh. Getting a move on with this pop quiz?” She raised her brow at him, looking at him as if he was stupid.

“I know, Mei Hua. Why are you not pairing up with me?” he looked at her in annoyance with her actions.

Mei Hua just grabbed her extra pen and threw it at his chest.

“Go pair up with your lady love. Now leave me alone. We want to finish this on time. Shoo,” she said as she made a hand motion of turning him away.

Lay scowled and he felt his hands turn sweaty. What would he do now?

He looked at you looking pretty much unsure yourself. If he didn’t act soon, you wouldn’t finish the work on time.

He blew out a breath as he gathered the courage to talk to you. He cleared his throat, making you look at him.

“____, w-want to pair up?” he mentally punched himself for stuttering. He felt like a fool. He couldn’t even look at you directly now.

“Mmm. I guess so,” you quietly said as you got your paper out of your bag. You then made a move to get closer to him.

By the time you were settled, you finally looked at the question on the board and you felt the blood drain from your face. This was the article you stubbornly did not read, deeming it irrelevant. You instinctively looked at Lay to see his reaction to the question. You both were dead if none of you knows how to answer this essay.  He remained passive by the time he finished reading the question, not giving you the clue as to whether he knows or not.

He turned to look at you so you could start answering when he saw your troubled face. Lay felt the familiar worry he has for you whenever you look this way.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Lay’s forehead creased in worry as he waited for your response.

You shyly bowed your head and bit your lips again. “L-lay… I do not know how to answer this one. I didn’t read this part. I’m sorry,” you softly mumbled in humiliation.

‘Way to go, ____! Way to go at making yourself look like a fool in front of Lay!’ you depressingly thought.

Lay subtly blew out a sigh of relief. He thought it was something worse. “Don’t worry I got this one.”

He slowly pulled the paper from your hand, feeling the jolt he always feel when your skin touches his. He was very much tempted to just hold your hand, to feel your soft skin against his. But then, he couldn’t. He was the one who made that ultimatum with you. He couldn’t be that forward with you anymore. This time, the ball was in your court. You were the one who had to show him and tell him if you still wanted him.

“30 minutes left,” the professor bellowed out.

Lay forced himself to stop thinking about you and started to concentrate on the task at hand. He bent his head as he focused on answering the essay question.

You just looked at him as he began writing furiously from the time pressure.

“I’m reminding you class. I don’t tolerate free riders.”

You instinctively glanced at your instructor, and you saw him looking at you. You immediately bowed your head, not knowing what to do.

Lay stopped what he was doing for a while to look at you. “Just huddle close to me and pretend that you’re interested in what I’m writing.” With that said, he quickly went back to his work.

Having no other choice, you leaned close to him and bent your head also as you placed your head beside his. You read what he had written down and you were impressed with him. The answer had sense and tackled major points that you remembered reading last night. You were feeling stupid for saying that you absolutely didn’t know anything, when there were some points that you did know. You just waited for him to stop writing so you could contribute to your paper, but he wasn’t stopping.

As you waited for him to do so, you were distracted by his scent. It was a very familiar scent to you.

Why wouldn’t it be? You picked it out for him.

You started to feel warm and happy to know that he was still using it. You were touched with the thought that there was still something of you that he couldn’t let go of.

You stared into his serious face as he busied himself with your paper.

Your gaze trailed to his eyes, to his nose, to the milky skin of his cheek, to his jaw, and to his lips.

You suddenly felt your heart ache at the emptiness you were feeling, remembering how your relationship ended up this way.

After a while of silently looking at him, Lay suddenly lifted his head and met your eyes.

You knew that you should look away, but you couldn’t do it. His eyes trapped yours. You looked at him, wondering what he was thinking, wondering if he was feeling the same pain and longing as you were feeling.

In this moment, you just wanted to forget everything. You just wanted to start over. Because in this very moment, you wanted nothing more than to be encased in his arms again.