Kim Kibum confuses the out of him.

 

Afterall, Jonghyun is pretty sure he's straight. He likes girls, he likes Korean girls, he likes Caucasian girls, he likes older women, he likes younger girls, he just likes girls in general. And . 

 

But Kibum's prettier than most of the girls he knows. Sometimes Jonghyun's not sure if Kibum is a guy at all. His androgynous porcelein face that is almost doll-like, slitted cat eyes and the sassiness.

 

God, the sassiness.

 

Jonghyun thinks that if Kibum was a girl, he'd be the type of girl he would want to date. She wouldn't be all cutesy and gentle and boring, but not some uncouth violent gorilla either. She'd have style, alot of style, pretty, cute even when angry, sassy yet classy and would be a real woman. Like Kibum.

 

 

And there are times when Jonghyun says things that he isn't even sure he should be saying to a guy. Those are the times when Kibum looks away from him but the red tinge in his cheeks give him away. He isn't exactly sure what this is, but he kind of likes it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey, Kibummie?" Jonghyun calls out over his shoulder, cocking his head up to look for him. 

 

It's the weekends and instead of being illegal and getting drunk at places they shouldn't be getting drunk at, Jonghyun invites Kibum over to his house in Seoul. 

 

Kibum is in the kitchen, making food for the both of them. When Jonghyun admitted that there was nothing in his house other than instant noodles, at Kibum's horrified look they immediately go grocery shopping. Kibum is making a stew of some sort, Jonghyun doesn't really know what, but he knows it smells good.

 

"What?" Kibum looks back a little, stirring the soup with one hand. Jonghyun uses the pillow to muffle his laughter. The apron looked ridiculously good on Kibum. Jonghyun grins, then flips through his dvd collection.

 

"Do you want to watch with me?" Jonghyun asks casually, containing his laughter for Kibum's reaction.

 

Kibum drops the ladle and turns a million different shades of red, and snaps a little. "Yah, Kim Jonghyun--"

 

"Do you like y nurses or highschool girls? Personally I prefer the sailor look--" Jonghyun continues, positively grinning ear to ear at Kibum's growing tomato face.

 

"Turn off the television now, Kim Jonghyun, or I'm dumping this pot of soup on your head!" Kibum screeches, and Jonghyun's explosive howling laughter comes in reply.

 

 

"You're so cute," Jonghyun squeals, and he just wants to pinch that indignant look off Kibum's cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kibum's cooking is almost a sin.

 

No, it is a sin. There is no way anyone can cook that well. Jonghyun almost cries at the taste of the soup because of how incredibly good it was. "Oh, Kibummie," he moans hard. "Your soup is just so good."

 

Kibum's face turns red again, and he looks away. "It's not that good," he mumbles, slowly sipping his bowl of soup. "It could have used a little more salt."

 

"No, baby, it's perfect!" Jonghyun protests violently, and shoves his empty bowl towards Kibum. "Seconds, please. And let's get married. I don't think I can find a girl who cooks half as well as you."

 

"It's just soup!" Kibum snaps, but his flaming face gives him away. Jonghyun grins at his incredible adorableness, how can anyone be as cute as Kibum?

He walks to the kitchen in a huff with his swaying a little, but Jonghyun swears he hears Kibum mutter, "I'll cook something better for you next time."

 

 

Jonghyun swoons at that, and he gets off to give Kibum a bear crushing hug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They sit on the rooftops of Jonghyun's apartment building when his mother is long fast asleep and his father is out getting drunk. The lavenders have long withered at the biting winter and the snow covered the soil of their pots. The ivy vines that twirled around Jonghyun's bedroom windows, an emerald green in spring, turned a dried colour of brown. It is a quiet night with the quiet breeze and they watch the snow fall quietly together.

 

After a long series of quiets and their breaths in the air against the passing flashing car headlights, Jonghyun brushes off the snow on Kibum's shoulders but they only melt and soak into his mittons. 

 

Jonghyun winces at the cold seeping through, and playfully shoves at Kibum who is snickering at his idiocy. "Do you have birds for brains?" Kibum says, arching his eyebrow perfectly.

 

"Shut up," Jonghyun takes the mitton off and breezily slips his hand into Kibum's hands and pocket. "It's cold."

 

 

Kibum's nose turns red, and he pulls down his red cotton beanie. "You're so tacky," he grumbles, but he lets Jonghyun's hand hold his. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the nights he loves best. When the crushing weight of a heavy heart and heavy dreams become overwhelming, Kibum's hand is in his, giving it a little squeeze, he knows that everything will be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They think it's a good idea to get piercings together when they're drunk, ( of course it's a good idea, everything's good when you're drunk ) but when

 

Jonghyun wakes up with a hangover and a stinging pain in his ear the next morning, the first thing he says is, "Aw, ."

 

3 months later when Jonghyun gets accustomed to the feeling of silver against his ear, he takes it off. It drops and rolls into somewhere under the couch, but Jonghyun doesn't notice and changes earrings every five times a day. When Kibum asks him where did the first piercing go, he just shrugs. "I lost it,"

Jonghyun says flippantly. "Must have washed off during the shower somehow."

 

Kibum nods, and Jonghyun feels guilty somehow. He catches a glimpse of Kibum's ear where he still kept the initial piercing for sentiment, and it makes him feel bad. "Whatever," Kibum snaps. He turns around and the click of his boots follow him.

 

Jonghyun's mouth forms a pretty 'o' shape, but by the time he snaps out of his perpetual daze, Kibum is gone.

 

 

 

Jonghyun gets hangovers in the morning, and Kibum gets hunged up on little things that don't really mean anything at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Kibum confesses to him, Jonghyun freaks the out.

 

His mind goes blank for a while, before he gets off the bed and walks to the bathroom. It's not that he was rejecting Kibum. It's just that he needs some time to process that this was reality and not a figment of his imagination. He needs to sort out his feelings that threaten to overwhelm him at this moment. He needs some time away from Kibum to think.

 

He wonders if it was a joke. But then again, the sheer emotion in Kibum's voice makes him think otherwise. There is no way something like that could have been a joke, he decides resolutely. But it was too much of a coincidence, when Jonghyun's feelings for Kibum was bordering homouality. 

 

He doesn't even realise that he stepped into the cold shower with his clothes on. You're going to catch a cold, Jonghyun thinks dumbly to himself. He sits on the floor to think for a while, and the cold shower water which was usually piercing is unusually soothing right now.

 

There is a banging on the bathroom door that Jonghyun doesn't register until he sees the door rattle. He snaps out of his daze and bites his lips to stop his chattering teeth for a moment because , it was cold, and he shudders before taking his drenched clothes off and leaving his briefs on. He grabs the nearest towel and dries his hair, before wrapping it around his waist. I look stupid, he thinks. shaking his head and running a hand through his hair.

 

"I know you need your gay moment to sort out your gay feels, hyung, but some of us need to use the toliet," Minho's voice snipes at the bathroom door.

 

 

 

Jonghyun groans at the whole irony of his statement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jonghyun knows it's unfair to Kibum and Taemin and Minho ( because Minho is so painfully desperate and it cannot get anymore obvious then this ), but he can't control the way he hangs around Taemin and for everytime he charms the boy and Taemin looks at him with those love strucked eyes, the overwhelming guilt simply stabs him, but it's not like he stops anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jonghyun thinks that if Kibum and him grew up outside of South Korea without the tradition is entwined in their lives, they could've tried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For everytime his hands brush against Taemin's, fleeting, electrifying touches, Jonghyun flinches visibly. He knows Taemin flinches, too. He wonders if he's getting too comfortable too fast, hands over shoulders, ruffling his hair, all the things he's used to doing with Kibum he does with Taemin now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's something off about the way Taemin tugs his sleeves over his wrists, and even at the dance practices he's always wearing a sweater of some sort.

 

"You don't feel the heat?" Jonghyun moans, taking off his black wife beater soaked. "It's scorching in here, maknae."

 

"Not really," he says, tugging at his sleeves again, even though his back is obviously drenched in sweat as well. Nobody dances as hard as Taemin does. 

 

"We're all guys here," Jonghyun grumbles. "I wouldn't make eyes at you." He sees Taemin blush when he arches his neck and lets the drops of sweat roll down to his chest. Jonghyun chuckles at his innocence, before asking suggestively, "Like what you see, maknae?"

 

"Hyung!" Taemin whines, face flaming red. "I'm going to go get a drink, do you want any?"

 

"Just get me whatever you get," Jonghyun says, swinging an arm over Taemin's shoulders. He makes a face, before adding, "None of that banana milk thing you drink, though."

 

"Then I'm specially going to get banana milk for you, hyung," Taemin teases, gently flicking his fingers on Jonghyun's forehead.

 

"Yah," Jonghyun shouts, grabbing his wrists and--

 

--it's only for a split second, but he sees the fear wash over Taemin's face, pale, white, and oh the pure terror--

 

 

Something clicks in his head and Jonghyun shoves his sleeves up roughly, the look of horror on his face is burned into Taemin's retinas permanently. His wrists are red and scarred and hideous, and Taemin pulls away as fast as Jonghyun had grabbed him. He looks away, guilty and ashamed.

 

"You cut?" Jonghyun asks incredulously, almost not believing his eyes. "Why would you?"

 

Taemin breaks into a fit of uncontrollable sobs, covering his eyes mumbling I'm so sorry over and over again and it just breaks Jonghyun apart to see him like this. He pulls him in and wraps his arms around his waist tightly. He's shaking hard but Jonghyun's no better.  

 

 

"Shh," Jonghyun says, biting on his lips hard to control his own trembling. "It's okay," he says indefinitely, and it sounds like he's trying to convince himself as well, when he knows that it's really not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Taemin whispers to Jonghyun, 'Will you sleep with me tonight?' he doesn't refuse. They take the bus home together to Jonghyun's house, and throughout the journey Jonghyun's hands are clasped tight over Taemin's. He looks almost afraid, and Taemin feels his hand still tremble slightly. 

 

"Hyung, don't be scared," Taemin says quietly. "I won't break."  

 

"I'm not," Jonghyun mumbles, but he loosens his crushing grip on the hand in his anyway. It's a long walk to his room, the creaks of the apartment stairs in the midst of the night loud, but he only hears the sound of his own heart pounding. 

 

Taemin gets on his bed. Jonghyun hesitates briefly, but Taemin pulls him over and smashes his lips against his desperately. "Hyung, please," he whispers between, "I need to feel loved."

 

 

 

That is all the permission he needs, and he takes his coat off while pushing Taemin on the bed, sliding his coat off his shoulders and he tries to love Taemin the way he needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not a coincidence when Jonghyun wakes up drenched in regret, sobbing his heart out with his hands over his eyes and Kibum, Kibum, Kibum --It's not a coincidence either when Taemin is lying on the bathroom floor bleeding all over.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

 

a/n: the story will be getting somewhere in the next chapters. I've just been kind of shifting around in perspective so far, explaining the events leading up to Taemin's attempted suicide. I know this sort of writing style is dreary, but thank you everyone who has stuck around so far :-)