The clock rang even before he'd fallen asleep. Not that he really tried to, since the only thing he dreamed about was blood, death and Junho. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually been able to sleep more than 2 hours... the day before the tournament maybe?

He sighed as he sat up and rubbed his eyes, head spinning as it always did due to lack of sleep and it pounded furiously too. He stood up slowly and walked to the kitchen to prepare some coffee, adding enough beans in the machine for both of them. He guessed Yoochun needed it in the morning, since there always were unwashed coffee-stained cups in the sink.

"Looking forward to today's activities?"

Junsu dropped one of the cups, startled as Yoochun had spoken to him.

Yoochun chuckled, "Did I scare you?"

Junsu glared at him.

"Sorry, no need to get angry." He stood up and tried to pat down his wavy hair. "Did you make enough coffee for me too?"

Junsu nodded.

"Good job roommate!" Yoochun clapped and sat down, turning on the TV.

"Aren't you having schedule today?" Junsu asked.

"Starting after lunch. No need to rush." he said, zapping between channels. "Are you starting at 9?"

"Mm," Junsu answered, waiting for the coffee to get ready.

Yoochun sighed as he turned the TV off, walking into the bathroom. Junsu heard him start the shower just as the coffee got ready.

After pouring some of it up in one of the dark red cups he looked at his schedule, rolling his eyes at every meaningless session he had to go to. How was this day going to be...

--

He wandered down the corridor heading to the room of his first of many meetings with his assigned psychologist.

When he opened the door, a tall good looking man in his thirties stood up to greet him.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Han," he said as he shook his hand, "Nice to meet you Kim Junsu."

Junsu bowed his head slightly and the doctor flashed him a bleached smile.
Junsu hated him already.

He sat down on the navy blue armchair and looked around in the room. Badly drawn pictures and photos of happy children were everywhere, also a corner full with different postcards and blessings. Junsu studied them skeptically.

"Aren't they wonderful?" the doctor said and Junsu turned to him. "The photos, aren't they wonderful?" he said again.

Junsu shrugged, "I don't know."

The doctor flashed his smile again, "To see children happy brings happiness to me. They or their parents were all my patients, and the postcards have been sent from patients too. I love collecting those, it makes me happy you see."

"I didn't ask for an explanation", Junsu thought. "Okay?"

He sat down on the armchair opposite of him, "You want something to drink?"

Junsu shook his head.

"Are you nervous?"

Junsu raised an eyebrow, "Should I be?"

Another smile, "Not really, this is nothing dangerous."

“…”

"Well, shall we start then," Dr.Han opened his notebook and wrote down something Junsu couldn't see. "Shall we start talking about why you are here? There was an accident I understand, what happened?"

Junsu stared at him.

"I saw in your file that you lost your twin brother in this accident. You were very close I suppose."

"..."

"It's always very painful to lose someone close to you, but you have to learn how to make those times you had with that person to precious memories."

"That isn't bringing him back," Junsu said coldly.

"No, unfortunately nothing can bring your brother back. But the memories you have with him will always stay with you."

Junsu snorted.

The doctor wrote something again, it started to irritate Junsu that he couldn’t see what he was writing, "How do you feel now when he's not around you? Did you do a lot pf things together?"

"How do you think it feels?"

Junsu had no intention in being friendly with this person, but the doctor didn't seem affected by this at all.

"Actually I do know how it feels, but it will get better onc-"

"How would you know?! Have you lost your twin? Your best friend?!" Junsu snapped at him.

The doctor sighed, "No, but-"

"Then don't tell me you know how it ing feels."

He gave Junsu a smile, "You have to believe me, Junsu."

"Why should I? I don't need any help!" he stood up furiously, turning to the door.

"You do need hel-"

"NO!!"

"Do you really want to leave your parents in sorrow for losing another child, Kim Junsu?"

Junsu stopped in his tracks, he felt his heart giving a painful pound and he closed his eyes. He could hear Dr.Han standing up from his armchair, putting down his notebook.

"You have never thought of this have you?"

Junsu opened his eyes again, looking down at the freshly cleaned floor.

"Your parents is going through the same thing as you are right now," Dr.Han continued, "I'm even pretty sure they are in more pain than you are. Do you know why?"

"...."

"They are watching their other son destroying himself, right after they lost the other,” He paused for a moment and then continued, “They lost one of their precious children, and right after that, they saw you trying to end your life as well. Parents, about to lose both of their children."

"Don't," Junsu whispered and walked slowly to the door, opening it, "I'm not coming back here again."

Dr.Han sighed as the door to his office slammed before him, "This is going to be a hard nut to crack."

----

Junsu ran out to the big yard, cursing as he kicked the big tree that stood gracefully beside the ward.

It was true that he’d never thought about what his parents were feeling. Of course he knew they missed his brother too, but he never talked to them about it, it was too painful He knew his parents loved him, still he couldn't connect to their feelings. Maybe he didn't care at all about what they were feeling?

He buried his face in his hands and groaned out loudly.

"Is there something wrong, dear?"

Junsu jumped as a nurse appeared in front of him, "Leave me alone," he said through gritted teeth and turned around, heading back to his room.

----

As he slammed the door behind him, a startled noise came from Yoochun who spilled out his coffee all over the TV-table, "Yah! Can you at least warn me before you go around slamming doors?"

Junsu ignored him and went straight to the bathroom, slamming that door shut as well.
He was shaking badly and his heart was beating painfully, the urge to escape life crashing to him yet again. He sank down to the floor, screaming out in pure agony, kicking the walls hard.

"YAH! What are you doing?" Yoochun banged on the door, "Open up!"

"Leave me alone!!"

Yoochun sighed, "What happened? It's hard the first day you know, it was for me too-"

"Go away!"

"Junsu, do not-"

"I just want to die, so go the away!!" Junsu shouted.

Yoochun cursed, "For sake, open the ing door!"

It was a moment of silence before the door clicked open, and Yoochun was met by the painful sight of a dreadfully broken person. It pained him to watch his roommate in this much agony with tears streaming down his cheeks, shaking badly.

"I-I just want to end it," Junsu said quietly.

Yoochun looked at him carefully, "Don't say things like that."

Junsu whimpered before he sank down to the floor once again, more tears streaming down his face. Yoochun kneeled down in front of him and pulled the other against him, embracing him carefully. To his surprise Junsu hugged him back, crying hard against his shoulder, grabbing fistfulls of Yoochun's t-shirt.

Yoochun hushed him as he pulled them into a more comfortable position, caressing his head and back softly. Having his roommate this close crying against him made him feel like he didn't want to let go. Somehow it filled him with warmth.

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A/N: A big THANK YOU to all the subscribers!! hugs to everyone ;)