And I’m so sick of love songs..so tired of tears

So done with wishing..that you were still here

And I’m so fed up with my thoughts of you and your memories..

And how every song reminds me of what we used to be..

………………………..

It is time for the boys to go back to Japan for their encore concerts at Yokohama. As much as they try to hide what happened, the hyungs still seemed to start noticing the awkward feeling between the two maknaes. And it finally became clear when Junho asked Wooyoung if he could stay with Wooyoung instead. Wooyoung was surprised and hesitated for a moment since he wanted to stay with his Khunnie hyung, but the painful look in Junho’s eyes tell him he’d better stay with Junho tonight instead. “Something must have happened”-he thought, while nodding to Junho to show his agreement. Chansung was staring at the floor trying to endure all these pains until his Nichkhun hyung came up to him said “I guess it’s left you and me now. Let’s go back to our room.” And dragged him to their room.

“So..what is going on between the two love birds of you? You guys are fighting?” – asked Wooyoung the minute they were in their room.

“Fighting? I wish. This is hell and I feel like dying” – thought Junho but he decided to keep that real thought to himself. Instead while trying to put all of his belongings away, he said “Nah, I just feel like staying with you tonight” and put a fake smile on his face.

             “Don’t lie to me Junho. I know there is something going on between the two of you otherwise Chansung would go around nagging like crazy because he loves sharing a room with you. And I can feel the atmosphere too, you guys don’t talk to each other..dont even look at each other. How can that be not fighting??”

Junho sighed. Wooyoung was right. It is hard to keep it a secret since all the hyungs know how clingy Chansung was, and it is true that he has been trying to avoid all the contacts with Chansung ..because it would hurt the older boy too much just from thinking of it.

            “Do you want to talk about it? I mean if you want to, I’m always here for you. You know that right? We are a family” – said Wooyoung while patting Junho’s shoulders.

            “I don’t know…I mean do you get jealous when Khun hyung is always surrounded by girls? And he’s always nice to them too?”

“Hmm.. I guess sometimes. We are all possessive when it comes to love right? But I don’t let it bother me much because I know the person Khun hyung love is me. He just has a nice personality and that’s the reason why I fell for him in first place. As long as he loves me and I love him, that’s what really matters. Why? Did Chansung hang out with other girls?”

            “No not really..you know how Chansung is. He is always in his room reading his psychology books or playing with his Gundam toys. That babo..” – It hurts again. He can feel the tears building up in his eyes again. It hurts just from thinking of Chansung, and it hurts more when this love for Chan keeps drowning him into the ocean of memories, which suffocated him to the point he could not even breathe..

            “Then why what happened? Why are you guys like this?” – Wooyoung is confused. He can’t understand what is going on in his brother’s mind. To Wooyoung, the younger boy is like his twins. They have the same height, same weight, and they even share a lot of interest in common. Even though lately his boyfriend NichKhun is really passionate and even said he loves Wooyoung in front of all the fans which made Wooyoung really happy, it still makes Wooyoung sad seeing his Junho sad and suffering. He wants to help, he wants to fix this because he can tell how much it hurts Junho right now and Chansung is probably suffering too. “I wonder if Chansung is alright. Should I text Khunnie asking about it? - Wooyoung is thinking to himself.
..After debating in his head whether he should tell Wooyoung or not, Junho decided to let it out. He knows Wooyoung can keep things to himself and he is a good listener. And maybe that’s probably what he needs right now. Someone that is willing to listen to him.

            “ I don’t know. It’s..stupid. You know how Channie always do y dances in all of his solo stage, and how he loves to strip when we are on stage. I just..hate it. I don't know why, but I hate it. I told him to stop but he keeps on doing it. He doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much. He has always been such a clueless person when it comes to relationship. So I told him I wanted a break.”

            “Well I guess I understand what you are saying. I would hate it too if Khunnie keeps getting in front of other people. Then why don’t you strip too? To make him go through that feeling so that he can understand?”

            “Are you telling me to strip in front of all the girls? You know I can’t do it!!!” – Opened his eyes wide, Junho was  shocked at the thought. Not to mention hearing it from a shy person like Wooyoung.

            “Well think about it. You said you hated it right, and Chansungie just keeps on doing it. What could be better than he now become the person who has to go through what you went through? Especially since you have never done it before. You guys could at least work things out that way. Or you want to really break up and be like this forever? If it were me I can’t. I’d rather kill myself than suffering from not being able to be with Khun hyung. It’s up to you though, it’s just my suggestion. I’m going to see Khun hyung so you use your time to think about it”. – Wooyoung said to Junho as he was walking out of the room.

 “Knock..knock..”

“Coming!” - Nichkhun came to open the door seeing his cute boyfriend standing in front of the room. “He's just... too cute” Khunnie thought, couldn’t help but having a bright smile on his face. It’s only been an hour but he already missed the younger boy too much already.

“Hyung, I’m hungry. Let’s go out and grab something to eat, ne?” – said Wooyoung, while taking a peek inside the room and he saw Chansung sitting on his bed looking out of the window like a lifeless creature.

“Both of them are babo” – sighed Wooyoung. He hoped things will work out between the two of them. He knows how much jealousy can hurt, he went through that when his Khunnie was with that Victoria girl. They were in a cold war as well and it was unpleasant. It still hurt Wooyoung from just thinking about that time. He shook his head, trying to shrug off the feeling. The past was the past, what’s important now is his Khunnie has gone back to him and staying by his side.

“What’s wrong Woo?” – Nichkhun is concerned seeing his lover is more silent than usual.

“Nothing,hyung. I love you” – and he pressed a soft kiss on the older boy’s lips, knowing that they both love each other so much, and that’s what really matters.

------

Even though I’m young, the pain is the same..

Just because I don't know the world very well..doesnt mean that I don’t know pain

How will my heart be healed so easily when it hurts this much?

How will I live without you ..?

……………………….

Nichkhun hyung went out with Wooyoung, so that means Junho is in his room alone right? This feels weird..the fact that they are not sharing the same hotel room together. Or the fact that since that night Junho has been avoiding him completely. He still can’t figure out what went wrong. How did he hurt Junho, and how they ended up being in this situation. Junho has walked out of his life, and he also took Chansung’s heart with him. There was this continuous ache inside his chest, the empty space that Junho left behind, all the memories of them being together..everything hurts. Chansung doesn’t know what to do. He has been sitting on the edge of the bed blankly staring out the windows. The city is full of people, but why does he feel so lonely? He is lost in this world without his Junho stay by his side. Junho left, and nothing feels the same anymore. But Why?How?When?How could this even happen? He loves Junho, he loves Junho so much. And he knows Junho loves him too. Or Junho at least, did. Why suddenly things changed and how he broke Junho’s heart, he doesn’t know. All the broken pieces of memories keep replaying in his head over and over again like a movie that never stops; it slowly is killing him inside trying to eat his soul and heart. What can he do to bring Junho back in his life again?All he wanted to do now is embracing Junho in his arms and whispering to the smaller boy’s ears the three magical words “I love you” over and over again. All he wished to have is Junho smiling at him with those cute smiling eyes of his, for them to talk, to hold hand, to cuddle and to make love. Why does love have to hurt so much when all he has ever wanted to do is bringing happiness to the person that means the whole world to him? He could not eat, nor he could sleep. His eyes went dry and they are hurt too from crying too much. Those nights have become so lonely not having Junho sleep next to him, the bed was cold and so was his heart..

.. He wish he could come to Junho and beg for forgiveness, but he knows it’s not that easy. Yes they do fight here and there, which couples don't fight when they are in a relationship? But things have never gone to this extreme. They are both easy to get jealous and childish in a way, but they always find a way to get things back to normal. Junho has never once said he wanted to break up no matter how mad he was, but this time he did. He said Chansung cannot understand how he feels and what he has gone through. He said Chansung does not know what he needs. What does he need then? Isn’t his love for Junho enough? Hasn’t he been showing his love for Junho enough?Think about it, hans't Chansung been the one who initiates more? He always comes to Junho while Junho was the one who always goes to Taecyeon hyung and Seulong hyung? He always went out to see movies or hung out with Seulong hyung, and now whenever in front of the fans Junho always went to Nichkhun or Taecyeon hyung instead of to him! Shouldn’t he be the one who is upset instead of Junho? Then why does it matter to Junho that he stripped in front of the fans? He does it all the times and only because the fans love it! He wants to make the fans fall for him so that he can makes a little bit more money to save up for their lives later together. Is it wrong wanting to save more money now so that later on his beloved Junho will not have to worry about financial when they started living together, just the two of them? Is it wrong for Chansung to want to spend the rest of his life with Junho, to love him, to care for him and protect his sweet loving Junho forever? He doesn’t know anymore. All he knows is that he is hurting so much. The pain is suffocating him and it’s killing him. What is Junho doing now? Is Junho hanging out with Taecyeon hyung again, is he having fun without Chansung? In the life without Chansung, is Junho happy...? 

As I think only of you all day..

A single stream of tears flown on its own

So even as I work..tears flowing without me knowing..

Even when I sing, even when I walk down the streets..

I’m filled with thoughts of you..

I wonder if you hurt like me

I wonder if you cry like me

………………..

“Should I do it? But I have never done it before. I might tease them here and there but it’s not something I do. I can’t, can I??? …” – Those thoughts keep wandering around and around inside Junho’s head. He is having a hard time trying to decide whether he should listen to Wooyoung’s suggestion or not. Wooyoungie had a point, indeed. He thought he would be okay once he left Chansung. The truth is, it hurts him even more being apart from Chansung. Like it was not hard enough for him to try to pretend like nothing happened between the two of them, all the looks and stares that Chansung has given is also killing his heart. He can tell how much it is hurting Chansung too from all those looks, like how Chansung tried to hold his hand when they walked together or tried to have any contact whatsoever with him. His body is yearning for Chansung, he wanted to run to Chansung, to lay his head on that shoulder, to have his hands held tight, to feel safe and feel loved again. But then this jealousy inside his heart, he also knows that it won’t go away. He knows Chansung, that babo loves to do fan service and there has never been one single concert he hasn’t stripped. And it was not like they won’t have any concert soon, Korean comeback is coming and next tour will soon start at the end of the year, and everything will go right back and they will start fighting again. It would hurt Junho over and over again because he could not take it. He doesn’t know what to do. Maybe Wooyoung was right, the only thing to do is making his boyfriend ( or maybe, ex boyfriend?) to go through the same thing he did. But it is weird isn’t it? Would the fan love it and scream for him like they did for Chansung? More importantly, would Chansung get jealous like he does or Chansung would feel like it’s a normal thing? What if this doesn’t work? 
 
   "Woo-ah, what if Chansung doesn't get jealous?" - he decided to send a text to Wooyoung. Maybe Wooyoung can give him a better answer.
      "You never know if you don't try, right? Like I said we are all possessive when it comes to love. Chansung is easy to get jealous too, just do it and see. Better than you do nothing and torture yourself, you babo!" 

Sighed. Even if he is jealous, would they go back to how they were before? Would that make Chansung stop stripping, or at least, decreasing it? He guesses he will have to try in order to find out those answers. What he knows is that he can no longer stand being apart from Chansung watching him from afar. It hurts too much not being able to talk to his Channie, to have to walk away and avoid eye contact whenever they bumped into each other. It stabs his heart not being able to being wrapped in Chansung’s arms, to press his lips again Chansung’s lips when they are together. It pains him not being able be with his lover. It hurts too much like he has been living in hell. It tires him down from having to gather all his strengths so that he didn’t cry whenever he saw Chansung’s face, and then cry himself to sleep every night because all the thoughts were aching his whole body. The whole world seems to fall apart when Chansung was not there..

I never thought I’d need you there when I cry..

And the days feel like years when I’m alone

And the bed where you lie is made up on our side..

Everything that I do reminds me of you

When you’re gone..

The pieces of my heart are missing you ..