Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

……….

How long has it been since that awful moment began…Chansung can no longer recall. It has only been a few days but everything has become so blurry. Everything, except the pain that he is feeling. He has been staring blankly at the wall, his throat is dry and he has to grasp all of his strength to stop the tears from coming out. Since the day Junho said yes to his confession, there has never been a single second he thought they would end up being the way they are today. Chansung knows that a part of Junho is hurting too, just like he is. But he wonders, if his dearest Junho is suffering as much as he is right now, like the whole world is crumbling under his feet..or Junho feels nothing at all?...

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

……………

            It probably is a good thing since they just finished their 6 days Budokan tour and also the encore concert, so now they have a bit of free time for their own. Chansung decided to spend the whole day in his room, his mind wandering around and around trying to figure out how and why it happened. He could not take it if he had to face Junho and all the hyungs now. They would look at his dark circle and started asking questions to know what is wrong..and it would hurt too much just from looking at Junho’s face. This pain..Chansung has never thought that it would hurt him this much. Well..he has never thought..he would love Junho this much, even though he had fell for that smiling eyes from a long long time ago..

…so it started for quite sometimes before Chansung noticed the difference in their relationships. Even though it has always been him the one who initiates more, but Junho never seemed to hate it. All the kisses they shared privately in their room, the feelings when Junho was embraced in his arms, all the nights where he got to wrap his arms around Junho’s waist and their fingers interlocked..when he pressed his forehead against the older boy and whispering ..”Junho yah, I love you” just to see the older boy smiled..When he pressed his lips again Junho’s, slid his tongue inside his mouth to hear the smaller boy softly under..when he messaged Junho’s tongue to on it and bringing it into his own mouth..

Usually this would make him feel so hot and excited..but this time, all these sweet memories bring nothing but pain to his heart. Why does it have to hurt so much just from loving and wanting someone so badly? All Chansung wanted to do now is having Junho sleeping next to him, the older boy’s head burying into his neck; his fingers caress that cheek and he can kiss that sweet soft lips..but why does everything have to seem so far away now?Why do they have to hurt each other despite the fact that the two of them both love each other so much? It hurts. It hurts everywhere. His heart, his head, his whole body is aching for Junho’s touch. He needs that smaller boy in his life so much more than he thought. They used to be so lovingly towards each other, since when did they start to drift apart? Junho has started slowly keeping a distance from him. He started to hang out more with Taecyeon hyung and Seulong hyung, which Chansung did not like it because Junho is his and no one else! And then the fight..the fight was the last trigger for everything. Was it his fault, or was it no one’s fault..just that fate decided it’s time for them to go back to the way things should have been since the first place? Could no longer hold it, the tears started coming down of its own..all Chansung knows is that he will need to do something to win that person’s heart back, to make him go back to his life again..so he can love him, and embrace him again..his precious Junho..

I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
……….

“Hwang Chansung, you did it again!!! While you promised me you would stop!!!”

“but..Junho-yah, you know that the fans all love it when I do that..” – rolling his eyes, Chansung could feel the anger from his lover.

“You just don’t understand it do you? How about you try to understand my feelings for once? Seeing the person I love always going around in front of a tons of woman. I know the fans love it but do you have to do it every single day?? This tour, Hands Up tour and even all the tours before that too!!! Can’t you just do it once in a while?” – The older boy just couldn’t take it anymore. He has been holding it for too long and he finally decide to let it all out. He just couldn’t help it..He loves Chansung a lot, this is his first time ever loving someone this much till it hurts, but who wouldn’t be selfish when it comes to love, especially all you see is your boyfriend going around in front of thousands of women with the thoughts of jumping on them every single night before going to bed? ( We know, just admit it. ) At first it was okay, because it was all for fans and because at that time Chansung to him was nothing more than a lovely maknae. But since they started dating, it started to hit Junho hard. He wanted to shrug the feelings away, but he couldn’t. He is possessive, hell, anyone is possessive when it comes to love. It pains his heart seeing all the girls going crazy and screaming for his boyfriend’s body. It pains his heart even more seeing that happy babo smile on Chansung’s face, like nothing can make him happier, even Junho.

He wanted to tell Chansung to stop, but he doesn’t want to look like a possessive type of boyfriend. He thought the younger boy would understand, but that idiot has always been such a babo. Even though they both know that either of them are easily to get jealous,even at little trivial thing, but Junho has always been better at hiding his feeling, or even sometimes, pretending like he has no feeling at all. And so the jealousy just keeps growing stronger inside Junho’s heart, slowly swallowing his soul into the darkness. Junho knows he shouldn’t feel this way because nobody understands it more than he does how much Chansung really loves him, and the whole stripping in front of fans is nothing but a show, but that still cannot stop Junho from feeling so jealous. He wants to keep Chansung for himself and himself only, that body is for him to see and for him to touch. It looks to Junho like Chansung was actually enjoy sharing his body to everyone else, and that makes the older boy feels like the love they share means nothing to Chansung. and It hurts. It hurts when he was at the backstage watching him dancing so ily on that mattress with the dancer, it hurts when he was watching the y solo dance and seeing his boyfriend got in front of thousands of fans..it hurts him even more when he did it again in front of his eyes, and all he could do was smiling and pretending like it doesn’t matter when the truth is that image is like a knife slowly stabbing into his heart.

First day at Beautiful Budokan Concert, Chansung solo stage and it was over. The boys were too exhausted to do anything and decided to go to bed. Laying in bed in their hotel room (Chansung and Junho always share hotel room, as usual) having the younger boy’s arms wrapping around his thigh and hold him close, Junho was proud of his boyfriend’s performance today..yet..his heart was burden with a really depressing feeling.

“Chansung-ah..”

“Hmmmm..? – half asleep Chansung let out a soft moan into the older boy’s ears.

“Can you stop doing it for a while..?”

“What..?”

sighed the older boy, he decided to keep it all to himself and said “nothing. Let’s sleep. It’s gonna be another tiring day tomorrow”. And he closed his eyes, trying to buried all his real feelings away.

I don’t know why I don’t trust

Can’t let jealous feelings keep coming out..

I need you to help me through my doubts..

Cause jealous feelings don’t brake us down..

…………..

..

The second day…third day…fourth day…fifth day..and even the last day of Beautiful Budokan Tour..each and every single encore all Junho saw was his boyfriend stripping and all the girls screaming for him. The jealousy was stabbing into his heart like a sharp knife, he was in so much pain that he couldn’t even breathe. His throat went dry and he could feel the tears coming out of his eyes anytime, but he was there in the middle of the stage too. He still had to put a perfect smile on his face pretending like he is having a time of his life, running and jumping around like he is at his happiest, here and there he ran to Taecyeon hyung and Junsu hyung for a hug. Everyone thought it was because he wants to show his affection towards his hyungs, yes it is true that he does love his hyungs a lot, but at that moment nobody knows the awful truth that deep down inside those fake smiles, his heart is actually bleeding and his soul is being eaten by the jealousy that he cannot stop. So that was it, on the last day of the tour, he decided to let it all out. He needs to put an end to this. It hurts his heart knowing that this love will be broken, but he knows if this continues, it will only hurt him even more and he will come to hate the person he loves the most on this world, which is something he can never imagine to.

The two maknaes went back to their room after finishing the last concert. The eager taller boy grab his lover’s face hungrily trying to get a kiss, but got pushed away..

“Hwang Chansung, you did it again!!!I thought you would stop, why do you keep doing it??”

Open his eyes widely, startled Chansung - “What’s wrong Junho? Why are you all of sudden so upset?"
            "You don't get it, do you? The thing about you keep stripping in front of others!! Why do you keep doing it over and over again??? Why can't you just stop?-sighed the smaller boy, knowing that if this keeps on going he will cry in front of his lover..
           "Junho-yah.. you know it's just a show, right? You know I do it because the fans love it. It's not because I want it. I only want to do it in front of you, because I love you. You know that, right..?" - The younger boy wasn’t sure what was going on. He thought they would have a fun night together since finally they have finished their concerts, and here they are in their room but the atmosphere has become so intense.

“You just don’t understand it do you? How about you try to understand my feelings for once? Seeing the person I love always going around in front of a tons of woman. I know the fans love it but do you have to do it every single day?? This tour, Hands Up tour and even all the tours before that too!!! Can’t you just do it once in a while?”

“…..”