I was attracted that very second I saw her.

I saw her every morning while I jogged through the greenery in the park. She was always there at 6:45, alone, by the lakeside with a loaf of bread in her hand, and only a noisy white feathery group of geese to accompany her. And every morning, my eyes sought her. I would jog along the same pathway every day, just to see her small frame bent over while she fed the birds and the fish, just to see her silently watch the animals as they waddle around, just to see her smile, every single one of her breathtaking smiles.

It became a routine for me. Every morning, my feet would lead me around the park, and then back to the girl. I would walk up to the maple tree beside the lake, but I never went any further. I would stare at her and wonder, but I did not approach. I was merely a silent observer, a silent friend, until that one summer day when she turned around and that one second when our eyes met. Her knowing eyes bore into mine, and the cogs in my flustered mind began to turn faster and faster, my hands began to fidget as I struggled to come up with excuses to explain my presence. But everything stopped when she smiled at me. I stopped, I stared, I stood captivated.

She lifted her right hand to wave at me and beckoned me to come to her. I walked forward with a slight shy smile and hands clenched tightly in my pockets. She broke off a piece of the loaf of bread and motioned for me to feed the geese that surrounded us. I nodded and followed her instruction as she squatted down beside me and watched silently.

“What’s your name?” I broke the silence after throwing the last piece of bread at a quacking goose. I looked at her while waiting for an answer but only got a smile as a response.

She reached into the pockets of her pink shorts to take out a phone, typed something, and handed it to me.

‘I am Tiffany. You’re Jessica, right?’

I nodded my response and put the phone into her waiting hands. She typed in some more and gave it back.

‘Nice to meet you. :) I saw you moving in last month. I live down the road.’

“Nice to meet you too,” I replied to be polite but a frown unconsciously appeared as I tried to get the pressing question out of my mind, “Why…. Are you….?”

‘Yes. I lost my ability to speak.’

I nodded again and just gave her a smile to show that I am fine with who she is. I did not try to empathize because I do not fully understand her situation, and I did not sympathize because she must have already gotten more than enough of it, but I accepted her as she is: kind, friendly, beautiful, and mute.

She was watching me intently, waiting for my reaction, and she immediately began tapping her keyboard when she saw my smile. She handed the phone back to me with a wide happy grin.

‘You’re not like other people. I like you. Let’s be friends.’

I don’t know what made me make the decision that second, but my head nodded and the ends of my mouth curved up slightly after muttering a single word, ‘Yes’. I can’t remember what she told me after that but I can still see the first ever eye-smile that she gave me whenever I close my eyes.

We became good friends, Tiffany and I. We would sit side by side under the maple tree every morning and talk. As I slowly began to understand the meanings of the movements of her hands and fingers, I also learnt more about her and subconsciously, second by second, I began to love this girl I found by the lake. This love that I felt for her was stronger than that of a best friend, and it continued growing day by day, no matter how I ignore it, no matter how I deny myself to feel it.

However, she was like the morning dew, my friend only in the mornings. Living in the same neighborhood, I would see her around while walking down the road alone or sometimes with my other new friends when school began. But she would avoid me and act like a stranger, especially when I am with companions. The distance was a stab to my heart after the intimacy we have shared in the mornings of the past weeks. I kept on wondering about all the times when she would hug me, all the times when she rested her head on my shoulder while I did my homework last minute, all those times when she would kiss me on the cheek whenever I made her laugh. Even if she didn’t feel the same way towards me as I do for her, our friendship had to mean something to her. The topic of the matter was ignored when approached, my questions remained unanswered, and Tiffany panicked when I greeted her that one snowing winter day we met in the supermarket. She ran away after acknowledging my wave, but my friend’s exclamation revealed the intentions behind her avoidance before I would question further.

“Did you just greet her?!” Yuri asked.

“Yeah. So?”

“How do you know her?” The shock in her voice surprised me.

 “We’re friends.”

“Friends?!” She looked at me as if I had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world, “You, Ms. I’m-oh-so-popular, and her, friends?”

“What’s so wrong with that? She’s not what you think. I… like her,” I shot her an annoyed glare.

“What’s gotten into you? She can’t even speak.” Yuri’s frown changed into a smirk as an idea sparked her mind. “Well, she is pretty. But hey, if you need a girl, there are many better ones out there. Want me to introduce you to some? I know some pretty good ones.”

“No. Don’t talk about her like that,” My fingers clenched into fists. No one has the right to judge her. “And how do you think Yoona will feel if she heard you say that?”

“Come on, Sica. You know I’m just kidding. About the last part anyways.” My friend’s expression changed into one that I know too well, one that I have given to many people, the one full of pity with a hidden gladness. “But Jessica, leave her. You deserve better than her.”

I could not. And I did not. Instead, I left my friend standing by herself as I ran after Tiffany.

I found the girl sitting under the snow covered maple tree as predicted. She had her arms wound around her legs while her head was resting on her knees. Her back was facing me so I couldn’t figure out what she was doing, but she did not hear me approach.

“Hey Tiff,” I greeted softly and sat down beside her, “Aren’t you cold?”

She gave me a slight smile while her hands asked me a question, ‘Where is your friend?’

I shrugged and quickly held onto her hand as she prepared to stand up, “Where are you going?”

She also shrugged and looked away. She tried to free her hand but I held onto her tighter.

“Stop running away from me,” I stood up as well and took a step forward. Tiffany moved back but I pulled her towards me and secured her in my arms, “Stop doing this because I won’t let you go. No matter what people say, no matter what they think, I don’t care as long as you’re with me.”

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I said those words, the thumps sounded so loud that I was afraid she was going to hear them. Tiffany slowly brought up her arms and hugged me back. She nestled her head into the crook of my neck and nodded twice. A contented smile broke out on my face as her promise etched itself on the walls of my heart.

“I won’t ever let you go,” I repeated my promise as a whisper into her ear.

I love you. I continued in my mind the three words I couldn’t say to her. At first, I had been scared, and I doubted myself. But the attempts to make myself believe that it’s pity love or to sort out the confusion in the “love” that I feel for her were all futile; the fact that I do love her never changed.

A sneeze interrupted my train of thought. I chuckled as Tiffany sniffled and stepped back with cute blushing cheeks. I pulled her pink coat tighter around her small body and also took off my scarf to wrap it around her neck instead.

“Are you sure you aren’t cold?” I asked again worriedly, putting a hand on her forehead to see if she is fine.

‘I never feel cold when I’m with you,’ She told me, her cheeks growing redder with the confession. Tiffany reached into her pocket and handed me a folded piece of paper.

Its white surfaces were bare except for a small beautifully sketched rose in the middle. I stared at the delicate pencil lines for a while before looking questioningly at Tiffany.

“It’s beautiful! You drew this?” She nodded but didn’t say anything else.

“It’s a rose?” Tiffany rolled her eyes when I stated the obvious and nodded again, encouraging me to keep on guessing.

‘What does it mean?’ She asked me.

“Rose? Doesn’t it mean love?” I pondered but couldn’t think of any more meanings.

Tiffany just shrugged playfully and walked away after teasing me, ‘Figure it out by yourself.’

“You can’t just leave me like this!” I ran after her and launched myself onto her, hugging her from the back.

I laughed loudly when she stumbled from my weight and she also giggled silently. We walked side by side, hand in hand. She didn’t care anymore about the looks people gave us, and I never did.

Starting from that day, I would walk her to school every morning and she would come meet me at the gate of my school every afternoon as her school ends earlier than mine. We became so inseparable that some of my friends, who knew about my orientation, even asked whether we were dating. However, we unfortunately weren’t. Also, I was still unable to figure out what the rose meant and Tiffany refused to give me the answer.  Months may have passed but that doesn’t mean my feelings for her changed. Every smile she gave me made my breath catch, every touch made my heart jump, and every time she was by my side, my smile didn’t fade for even a millisecond.

I started spending less and less time with my other friends as I was always with her. Yuri would call me and ask me if I would like to hang out with her but I would refuse to leave Tiffany. My world began to revolve around her, not paying attention to anything else. It’s not that Tiffany would not let me go, in fact she tried to persuade me to spend some time with others, but the smile she gives me after saying ‘Go to them’ would always kept me saying “It’s ok. I’d rather be with you instead”.

~~

Everything in life can be summed down to the choices we make in life. Every little decision from what colored shirt we want to wear to the promises we make can shape our lives and affect others as well. And to remain in love with Tiffany is perhaps one of the best decisions I’ve made.

We were walking back to the park from my school as usual, but that day was unlike the others. I have finally figured out the full meaning of the rose that Tiffany drew for me. I couldn’t keep the happy bounce out of my step we approached our tree with her soft, warm hand in mine.

“Tiff, would you wait here for a moment?” I remained standing while she made herself comfortable under the tree.

She looked up at me and pouted, not wanting me to go, ‘Where are you going?’

“Uhh… toilet. I’ll be back in a minute ok?” She nodded and busied herself with her homework while waiting for me. I quickly ran back to the entrance of the park where there was a florist.

I entered and headed for the rose section. Racks of beautiful and colorful flowers greeted me.  My eyes wondered around the many buckets and shelves before seeing the perfect flower that I was looking for. It was a red rose. Its blossom was the largest among others, its scent sweeter, and its crimson petals redder. It was perfect, regardless of the fact that its stem held more thorns. It was perfect the way it was.

I bought the flower and hurried back with the rose in my hand. Its thorns pricked me but it was ok. The beauty of the flower made me forget it all. I thought of many things to say to Tiffany, many ways to confess my love, but everything disappeared when I rounded the corner.

The scene in front of me made me stop in mid-step. I hurriedly hid the rose behind my back but not before Tiffany and the man looked towards me. Tiffany smiled and told me to come quickly while the man scrutinized me closely.

“Hello, Mr. Hwang,” I bowed 90’ politely and stared back at him.

“Jessica,” Tiffany’s father nodded in reply, “Such a beautiful rose you have in your hand.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“I wonder who it’s for,” His eyes narrowed slightly, as if daring me to lie.

I held tighter onto the stem of the flower, unable to decide whether to confirm the truth or to accept his challenge. The rose shifted slightly due to the shaking of my hand and a thorn pricked my forefinger.

“Ah!”

The flower slipped out of my hands as I released my grip, but Tiffany quickly caught it before it fell to the ground. She held in one hand while delicately holding my bleeding finger with another. She looked at me, her eyes asking whether I’m ok. I nodded to reassure her but the frown remained on her forehead as she brought my finger up to . I let out a soft gasp when I felt Tiffany’s soft lips pressing against the small wound. She gently the blood away and on it to stop the blood from flowing. My cheeks began to burn as thought of those soft lips on mine filled my mind.

Mr. Hwang cleared his throat, frowning at the two of us with his arms crossed. Tiffany let go of my hand but continued ignoring her father, flashed me an eye-smile instead.

“Thank you for the rose,” She told me, “Why did you take so long?”

“I was stupid. I was confused. I was scared,” I answered honestly, “But now I know.”

Mr. Hwang cleared his throat again. My smile faded as I turned towards him, my poker face returning. “Jessica, if you ever hurt my daughter, or if she ever gets hurt while she is with you, even if it’s just a paper cut, I won’t forgive you.”

I nodded and bowed again. I gave him a genuine smile and said sincerely, “Yes, sir. I promise.”

Mr. Hwang nodded back at me, hugged his daughter, and cleared his throat one last time before walking away. The two of us were once again left alone.

It felt a little awkward after the indirect confessions from both sides. I checked my forefinger, not knowing what else to do. I felt a poke on my arm and I turned my head just in time to catch Tiffany leaning in towards me. My eyes widened when I felt her soft lips land on mine. My mind blanked out. Time seemed to stop. I couldn’t feel anything except her lips on mine.

The kiss only lasted for a second or two but it seemed like eternity to me. Tiffany quickly backed away. Her cheeks and ears were both bright red with embarrassment and she bit her bottom lip nervously.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” She told me, “I meant to kiss your cheek.”

“It’s fine. But…” I raised a hand and placed it on her warm cheeks. I gently ran my thumb across the bottom of , making her stop nibbling on her lip. “May I get another kiss? One actually aimed for my lips?”

Tiffany immediately looked at me when I said the word ‘kiss’. She tried to tell me something but wasn’t able to as I was holding her hands with my free one. She opened and then closed it again. She ended up pouting helplessly.

“Aww, you’re so cute!” I pinched her cheek and pulled her into a hug. She entwined her hands at my back, relaxing in my arms. “But I’m serious about my request though.”

Tiffany tensed up again at the mention of it. I chuckled and slid my hands down to her waist while she brought her hands up around my neck. I began to lean in slowly. She closed her eyes in anticipation. My heartbeat rate increased as the distance between us decreased. She tilted her head up slightly, meeting me in the middle and locking our lips in a gentle, innocent kiss.

I pour all my emotions into that one kiss. Our first kiss. I tightened my hold around her waist and she pulled me closer, our bodies pressed against each other, our heart beating in sync.

Breathless, we finally broke our kiss. Forehead to forehead. Nose to nose. We gazed into each other’s eyes, smiles curving our mouths.

“Tiffany, I love you,” I confessed, just loud enough for her to hear.

Tiffany placed in front of mine. I felt her lips move, forming silent words.

“I love you too Jessi.”