I rolled myself on the bed. What am I thinking back then?

Flashback

“and..,” she paused for a moment. “I think I will be more open to guys now,”

“Oh, that’s good,”

end

I just couldn’t think anything else. That sudden notice shocked me so much. Argh baka! Baka! Baka! I hit my head

“What happened yama-chan?” Daiki voice startled me.

He lean his body on the door.

“Nothing, it’s just a stretch before sleep,” I pull my arms

“Usotsuki,” he walked toward me then sat on the edge of my bed. As always he could see through me. Even if I didn’t say a single word. He could tell that there’s something’s going on.

“You know…,” I paused for a moment thinking is this a wise choice to tell Daiki about oneechan. I look at him, and he looks at me patiently waiting for words coming from my mouth. “Hana-neechan,”

“Ah, you’re still not over her? It’s been 5 years right?”

I give him my death glare.

“Gomen,” he smiled, “so what happened to your beloved oneechan?”

“She said that she will opened herself more to guys,”

“oh, so you’ll have rival,”

“But I can’t stop her right?”

“Why don’t you tell her once again that you love her?”

I feel my body stiffened. Tell her that I loved her? Of course. But, I already know the answer oneechan would give.

…

“Ryosuke, hurry up. What makes you long? I’m dying here,”  she impatiently clang her plate.

“Hai, hai ojousama. Here’s your meal,” I handed her the fried rice I’ve just make.

“Whoooa! It looks delicious. As expected from you,” she point me with chopsticks “Itadakimasu,”

“Your apartment is comfortable oneechan,” I said as I watced her eating.

“Of course,”

I observe her apartment. A small kitchen, small bedroom, small bathroom and small living room. Small but comfortable. And it’s simple. Not too girly or masculine or neat. It just simple and the vanilla fragrance too, it’s like oneechan.

“Oneechan, I wanted to say something,” I draw a circle with my finger.

“Say it,” she didn’t even bother to look at me.(of course she’s eating)

“That’s…umm, I love you,”

She paused, and then despises her chopstick. My heart beat so fast as I waited for her reaction. Urgh I can’t read her expression. She smiled and pated my head, “I love you too, ototo,”. Just that and she return eating.

That last word makes my heart scattered. And make me throw away the explanation that I love her as adam loves eve, I love her as my father loves my mother.

“Tell me Ryosuke, how’s you second year in high  school?”

“Just so,so,”

“What do you mean just so so? Isn’t it the time when you feel  the power of youth?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, hanging out with friends, going out with your girlfriend…,”

“I do hanging with my friend though, but I don’t have girlfriend,”

“What? You don’t have girlfriend in this age?”

“You don’t have boyfriend either,”

“I have my own reason. So tell me there must be a girl you like,”

‘yes,’ “In the school we’re not allowed to have relationship, and the agency too. It will be better if I just follow the rule ne?”

“That’s mean~,”

‘you’re the mean one for being insensitive’

…

“Yama-chan, I want to return you…r….,” Chinen step in but he stops when he sees me talking with Daiki.

“Ah what are you two talking about?” he excitedly approaching us.

“Nothing,” I waved my hand.

“Is it about the girl you’re always met?” he asked.

“It’s nothing,” I insist.

“So… this really is about that girl,”

“I said it’s nothing,” they laugh as they see my face getting red.

“That’s bad yama-chan, if Johnny-san knows about this, you’ll be in trouble,”

“No, she won’t be a problem,”

…

Another busy day for us, Hey! Say! JUMP. A jacket shooting. It’s pretty backbreaking. But we have our own way to have fun in this state. As for me, thinking for oneechan is the best way.  And seeing her carrying a big fountain of clothes is good. She looks cute. Ara? My imagination seems to be real.

“Konnichiwa yamada-kun,” she said.

“Konnichiwa,” I bowed my head. Even the voice seems so real.

“Mizukawa?” I turned as I heard someone mentioned oneechan’s name.

“What’s wrong Kei-chan?” I asked.

“No, that’s my kouhai,” he pointed at the girl who’s bringing fountain of clothes.

Hana-neechan? So, that’s not my imagination after all? I remember she mention about part-time job before. But is this what she’s talking about?

“It’s rare to see her talking with guy freely,” Inoo said as he sees oneechan discuss something with someone.

“What do you mean? And how do you know her?”

“You know, she’s a kouhai from science department. I often see her in the library. But I heard from my friend that she’s hard to approach from guy. But I think she’s been more open now,”

‘soo, she really is opening herself to guys, now,’. But she didn’t say anything about being here. She should’ve tell me earlier. I feel cheated.

…

“So, tell me the reason,” I asked her when we’re in her apartment.

“Don’t you agree?”

“Yes, but why JE? You could find another job. There’s a lot of guys there oneechan,” I said.

“It’s for training,” she said as she sip her tea.

“You mean when you said that you’ll be more open to guys?”

She nodded.

“But, oneechan, you could ask me. So please stop working there ne~? I will find better workplace for you,” I begged her.

She chuckled. “You look so cute like this Ryosuke. But that wont do. You’re my ototo. And I think it’s the best way so I could normally talk to guys,”

Again that hurtful word comes out from oneechan’s mouth. When will you see me as a man baka oneechan?

“Why would you stop me from working there? I don’t even interrupt you back then. You know when in the work place we just acquaintance,” she asked me.

“It’s because I love you,” I unconsciously said it.

But as always she give me her smile and pat my head. “I know, I love you too, ototo. But you don’t have to worry about me, I can take care of myself”. She cleaned up the table and went to kitchen to wash the dishes.

“it’s not like what you always think neechan,” I said. “My love….,”

“It’s late Ryosuke, you should go home,” she interrupted.

“No, before I clarified everything, I love you, not as lil bro, but as a man, I love you as my father loves my mom, I want you to be..,” oneechan immediately leave the dishes and she rush to me. Putting her finger on my lip.

“It’s late, you should go home,” she said, her voice trembled.

I didn’t believe what I see. “You knew,” she looked away. “All of this time, and you didn’t say any single word. You know about my feeling toward you and you just keep silent? You didn’t want to admit it?” I feel my tone rising. I waited for her answer. And when she finally talks,

“Please, just go,”  

I lose my temper. “Okay!” I walked out that apartment and slam that door. Leaving my beloved oneechan and that comfortable simple apartment.  I walked away as my tears start to falling down my cheeks.