Yoo Nara

I close my eyes tightly as the teacher holds up the stack of graded exams in her right hand, my heart threatening to leap out of my chest. The cold metal of the chair underneath and the smooth wood of my desk are all still there, but my mind is wandering again.

“Appa! Look at my exam scores today! I beat everyone in my class by a mile!” I cheered happily as I handed the sheets of paper over to my father.

He leaned back farther in his chair and glanced down at the papers before looking back up into my eyes. In his gaze was the all too familiar glint of failure. I had failed him again.

“Worthless little brat. You’re happy about this piece of crap? You’re just a stupid girl that couldn’t succeed even if she tried,” he spit through his clenched teeth before swiveling back around towards his computer screen, empty bottles littering the surface of the desk.

 My papers slowly fluttered to the ground as he tossed them in my face, a pathetic reminder of my life and the quickly fading hope that I had carried to be loved.. This time, I didn’t even bother to pick them up as the tears streamed silently down my face.

I rounded the corned to my room and closed the door with a click that disturbed the deafening silence, effectively entering my world again, my haven. Once inside, I cautiously opened my bedside draw and examined the small objects that caught the last glimmers of sunlight that streamed in through the open window.

“Why did I think today would be any different? I’ll always be a disappointment.”

I wanted to get away from myself; my existence that disgusted so many others, the buzzing within my mind that threatened to spill. But you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise inside your head.

And slowly, I reached in, careful not to cut my fingers on the blade.

The tapping of heels broke me out of my reverie, growing lower with each passing second down the aisle until it reached my desk.

“And the highest grade goes to Yoo Nara yet again! Everyone please give her a round of applause. Good work, I’m sure your parents will be proud of such a hard-working daughter like you.” the teacher announced loudly before the class.

From all sides, praise exploded, my classmates speaking out their congratulations in turn. Caught in the moment, I even dared to take a peek at him. Gong Chansik, the class heartthrob, all soft smiles and glittering eyes with a brain to match. And for that, I liked him. Because in a way, by association, he understood a part of me.  Because he had that freedom and love that I so desperately wanted.

In the moment our gazes locked, I felt my cheeks heating slightly, flushing pink at the embarrassment of being caught. His smile broke out again, eyes crinkling into the adorable crescent shape and for a moment, I thought I had done it. Maybe, finally, I was worth something.

I flipped my test over to see the red 99% glaring up at me, taunting me, as if to prove that I’ll never be good enough.

“Stupid. Worthless. Trash.”

Hurriedly, I crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash before exiting the classroom as the bell signaling the end of class rang in the background, ignoring the voice that echoed over the din of students. He was right.

What’s the point of life if I can’t even enjoy a second of happiness before another reminder comes along?

There is no point, I thought bitterly as I quickened my pace towards my house, hoping to leave every ounce of sadness behind with each step.

______________________________

I stumbled along the rough path, eyes trained on the tips of my shoes, willing my feet to go faster. The pain in the back of my legs increased, but it was nothing compared to the tightness I felt in my chest. The burning in my thighs was bearable, a thousand times more so than the other. Clutching my books tightly to my body, I ran the last block to the small white house on the corner, stifling the cries that threatened to burst out if I remained in public.

As soon as my house came into view, I breathed out a sigh of relief at the sight of the empty driveway, a sign that I would survive another day under the scrutinizing eye of the world. As alone as I might be in the next hours, I preferred it that way. The loneliness, to me, was comfortable. A different comfort than say a mother’s embrace or that of a lover’s of course. Not that I’ve experienced either. Loneliness meant that no matter what, at the end of the day, you’d still have yourself. It had been like that for a majority of my life and now, it was no different. Like the other kids who had grown accustomed to home cooked meals and presents on Christmas, I had grown accustomed to the lonesomeness that came with a missing mother and an abusive father. For me, it was normal.

Fumbling for the keys, I quickly unlocked the front door and gently pushed it open, only to be greeted by silence. The silence, just like the loneliness was comfortable. But I liked it that way.

Still editing ~ (◕_◕)