Shattered

feat. Myungsoo and Naeun

Hi. My name is Kim Myungsoo, and this is my story about how life can be cruel to each and every one of us. You see, I have lost one of my beloved people in the most tragic way ever. I regretted that she couldn’t force herself to see who was always there for her. And, I regretted that I couldn’t even say that I love her.

Son Naeun, I love you. You may not know this, but I love you since the first time I’ve set my eyes on you.

~

It was barely six in the evening when I finished my shift at the café. I picked up my guitar from my locker before walking out from the café. I continued sipping the iced mocha that I brought home. I walked home instead of taking the bus. I was tired, yes. But at the same time, I could feel like something wasn’t right. I could feel that something bad was going to happen.

In an instant, I immediately thought of Naeun.

I quickly called her phone. It was during the fourth ring that she finally picked up her phone. I could hear her loud breathing on the phone.

“Naeun, are you okay?”

“No. No, I’m not.” her breath was shaky. My heart fell down to the stomach. Something wasn’t right.

I pitied Naeun. Throughout her life, all she ever faced was nothing but sadness. When she was just twelve, her parents died due to a crash that happened at just a few streets away from her old house. What was really sad is that her parents died on her birthday, on the 10^th of February. Naeun was so shocked that she didn’t spoke to anyone for weeks. She became antisocial and quiet.

Being her loyal best friend ever since we were little kids, I was the one who cheered her up most of the time. In fact, I practically knew her inside and out. Besides, she doesn’t really have any other close friends so she would always share her problems with me, most of the time. I was the one who needed to force her to spill out her problems.

I don’t like seeing her being sad all the time. I like her when she’s smiling sincerely. She looks so beautiful when she’s smiling. She’s beautiful like an angel.

Since then, my goal is to make sure that she will always be happy.

My train of thoughts was stopped when she started to let out soft sobs.

“I feel like I want to give up,”

I gulped. “Giving up on what?”

“I’m giving up on living, Myungsoo.”

“I don’t like where this conversation is going,” I frankly said to her as I decided to make a run for it. I gripped my phone hard; I don’t want this conversation to end. I need to make sure that she didn’t do anything stupid yet dangerous to herself.

I knew that she tried a couple of times before, but I was lucky enough that I acted fast to save her.

“Naeun, don’t do anything stupid. Please,” I begged her as I ran as fast as I could, seeing that I was carrying my guitar after all. The café was a couple blocks away from our apartment.

“Myungsoo, I’m tired of seeing the people I love the most leaving me behind,” She said quietly, almost like a whisper.

“Well, you still have me,” I remarked.

“Well that’s the point! I don’t want to lose you, you’re the only family I have.” She exclaimed out loud on the phone.

Family. Well, we aren’t really a family. We’re just close neighbours at Gyeonggi-Do. After her parents’ death, she was asked to live with us by her mother, as well as my mother of course. Somehow they did made an agreement beforehand. Naeun and I are practically like brother and sister. I treated her as the only sibling I have. I act as the older brother to her, even though we are only a year apart. I really love her, but eventually the love grew into something more.

It was when we were 18 that we have decided to move to Seoul to continue our studies at Seoul National University. Both of us rented an apartment and lived together. My mother told me to take care of her really well. And so I did.

“I miss him, Myungsoo…” She said to me bitterly. I could feel shivers running down my bones. I knew who she was talking about.

Kim Jongin.  He’s a guy from our university. He’s the same age as Naeun. I remember the first time she said that she liked him. She said that the way he looked at her was totally mesmerizing. I ended up laughing but she punched me at my shoulders, saying that it wasn’t funny. I laughed again though. And then I heard that he liked her too. Sooner or later, they were already in a relationship. It was so quick. At first, I was definitely brokenhearted. But then I realized that Naeun was so happy with Jongin.

Throughout my life, my goal is to see Naeun being happy. Since she’s happy with Jongin, I have to accept the fact even though it breaks my heart completely. Never mind, if she’s happy then I’m happy too.

“… I can’t live without him, Myungsoo.” She cried. I could hear her crying now.

But something happened after their one-year anniversary. Jongin passed away. He was involved in a terrible accident while on the way to the university. Naeun was crying terribly when she knew, like when she cried during her parents’ death. I was the only one comforting her; in fact I had to call my parents to come so that she won’t cry anymore. At first I thought that she had finally moved on, but I was wrong. Sometimes, I could listen to her soft cries coming from her bedroom at night. I pitied her again.

I woke up from my thoughts when I heard her voice from the phone.

“I don’t want to live in this cruel world anymore. And I don’t want to cause anyone’s death ever again. I’m a bad luck magnet to everyone who’s close to me...” she said. I could hear some shuffling in the background.

“No, you are not! Don’t say that.” I exclaimed. I don’t like her saying that kind of stuff. It was obviously lies; Naeun wasn’t a bad luck magnet. She’s my good luck charm. She’s the one that made me happy all these time. Why hasn’t she realized this?

She can’t die right now. She still has a lot of things that she can do. I remembered that she once told me that she wanted to be a model. I laughed of course, being her naughty but loving friend. She was pissed off with me for the whole day. I ended up being scolded by my mother for making her upset.

She can’t let her dreams be shattered right there and then.

I was running like a total maniac when a red light suddenly flashed right in front of me. I forcefully stopped as I let out a frustrated groan out loud. Everyone looked at me but I didn’t care. That time, I was only thinking about Naeun.

“Goodbye for now, Myungsoo. Thanks for everything,” she suddenly said. Then, I heard her yelp quietly before hearing a loud thud, as if someone just fell down on the floor.

My heart stopped all of a sudden.

“Naeun! Please, don’t!” I shouted at the phone. Luckily, the green light came back on and I quickly sprinted since our apartment was just right in front of me. As fast as I could, I climbed up the stairs of the building, praying that Naeun will somehow be safe.

When I’ve finally arrived at our door, I fumbled with the keys before opening it. I quickly entered and looked around our home for Naeun. Like I guessed, she was at the bathroom.

It was the most heartbreaking scene in my whole, entire life. And I don’t think I can ever forget it.

 Naeun was lying on the floor. Dark red blood was oozing out from her left wrist and was splattered all over the floor underneath her. Tears were streaming down my face as I made my way to her, grabbing onto her body.

She cut herself before but this time, she succeeded.

“Naeun! Wake up! Please, I beg you.” I shook her body will all of my might. Her eyes were still closed. I decided to quickly call for an ambulance so that she can be saved. My heart felt like as if it fell down to my stomach, when I looked at her. Her body was already turning cold. I feared her death.

“Naeun, please don’t leave me behind. Please don’t go. There are a lot of things that I haven’t told you yet,” I confessed as I was crying. My body was trembling with fear. At the same time, I regretted that I didn’t tell her what I really felt about her all these time. I regret and I felt like I want to kill myself for doing so.

“Naeun, I love you. I love you since the first time I’ve set my eyes on you. I love you since the first time you shared with me your precious smile. I love you since the first time you laughed at my silly jokes. I love you since the first time I shared with you my secrets...” I paused as I tried to catch my breath. It was tiring. “… Naeun, you idiot, I love you.”

Tears continued to stream down my face as I let her know of my feelings, even though she couldn’t hear me. Even though it was already too late. Even though I knew it myself that it was already useless.

Just then, I saw her giving me a faint smile. I saw her pale lips curving up just a little bit for me to see. Afterwards, I heard her letting out her last, faint breath. I gulped inwardly.

Naeun was finally dead.

~

I looked at the single, white daisy that was in my hands. I paced myself to a grave. No one was there, thankfully. I crouched down as I held onto my umbrella, shielding away from the light rain. I gave the daisy a little kiss before setting it down on the grave. I stared at it for a while before looking up at the tombstone.

RIP Son Naeun,

10^th February 1994 to 25^th May 2012

‘A loving daughter, kind neighbour, caring girlfriend and a beloved best friend.’

My heart wrenched up after reading the ending quote of her tombstone. Beloved best friend. Tears began to flow out from my eyes. I miss her. I really do.

“Son Naeun, you were, are and will always be my beloved best friend.” I said as I kissed the top of her tombstone. The rain didn’t make me feel any better though. In fact, the rain made me missed her so much that my heart hurts.

“I’m grateful enough that I’ve told you that I love you.”

Am I the only one thinking that this is wayyyy too short?