His shoulder brushed against mine lightly as we passed each other in the crowded hallway, sending jolts of electricity through my entire body. I didn't muster up enough courage to look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. Maybe he was smiling at me, with his large front teeth being the only thing visible behind his thin lips, those gorgeous lips. I brushed the thought away quickly. If he was smiling at me, that means that he was trying to be polite. If he was trying to be polite, he'd be disappointed because I didn't even spare him a glance. If he was disappointed, he'd think of me as rude. If he thinks of me as rude, he wouldn't bother being polite to me anymore. If he didn't bother being polite to me anymore, he wouldn't look at me anymore. And if he wouldn't look at me anymore . . . well, then that's another person who has grown to not care about my existence.

I wish I had smiled at him.

*

"Now, for choosing partners," Miss Kim began. "I will let you choose your own as long as your partner is approved by me first." She eyed some of the trouble makers in the class and chuckled. "There are some partnerships that I won't allow, so choose wisely. We have an uneven number of students, so there will either be one student working by himself or a group of three."

Miss Kim is so beautiful. She's around her early twenties, with soft brown hair that flowed to the middle of her chest and the whitest skin ever. Her large eyes were sharp and clear, catching every little thing that the students in my class set her up for. Not only does she have a pretty face and quick wit, she's also one of the most kind-hearted people I've ever met. I don't understand why, out of all of the jobs that could use her talent, would she choose to be a teacher at a small high school.

"YoonA, Luhan," she called, scaring me by putting our names together like that, "would you two like to work together? Will it be more comfortable?"

I don't understand why she feels as if Luhan and I are the closest of friends. Ever since she's heard about the engagement, she's been pairing us together for everything, as if we really do look at each other as family.

The truth is far from that. Luhan turns the notch of my discomfort scale up to its highest. I'm always nervous around him, and whenever I think back to my actions whenever he's near, my head feels as if it could blow up. There are always things that I wish I did or didn't do whenever I thought about Luhan. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels uncomfortable. He must feel it too.

"Yes, Miss Kim, thank you," Luhan's soft, gentle voice piped up. He sounded so kind, so sincere. I almost believed that he actually wanted me to be his partner.

But I recovered quickly. "Actually," I tried to sound firm, "Miss Kim, I would be very grateful if you grant me the honor of being the one student who doesn't have a partner." I avoided Luhan's eyes, knowing I'd give in if I took one look at him. "I feel as if I'd work better alone."

Our teacher looked puzzled, confusion etched all over her young-looking face. "Well, if that's what you want, YoonA, I suppose you can." She pushed her glasses higher up on her nose.

"Thank you."

There was a rather awkward silence afterwards. I tried to make out Luhan's expression through my peripheral vision, still too afraid to look at him.

"This is rather a big project," his usually kind-sounding voice coldly sliced through the tensed atmosphere like a knife. It was as if he added a pinch of hatred to his sentence. "Are you sure you'd like to work on it by yourself?" Our heads turned to look at each other at the same time, directly making eye contact.

I wasn't sure how I looked to him, but it must be a dreadful picture, because the way that he looked at me still pierced at my heart days later, when I thought about it again. His large eyes were narrowed, annoyance and hatred seeping through them. His lips were set in a line, as if his teeth were clenched too tight inside his mouth. His face, oh his beautiful face, showed coldness, so much coldness. It was the first time I'd seen him look this way, and it killed me to know that I had triggered this side of him.

"I believe I'll manage," I nearly squeaked out seconds later, when I gave up on the staring contest that we were having. I hugged my binder close to my chest, the feeling of nervousness around Luhan suddenly returning.

"I'll be your partner, Luhan!" Lee JiEun excitedly screeched from the back of the class, joined by a few other girls.

"Or me! I'll be your partner!"

"I'm pretty dumb, I think I'll need Luhan's intelligence in this project!"

"Luhan is so smart, he should be my parnter!"

"No, me! Luhan!"

"Luhan, be MY partner!"

"I'll do all the work, if you partner up with me!"

"CLASS!" Miss Kim's voice boomed over them, hushing them in a second. "Quiet, please. Now, I believe JiEun did ask first. What do you say, Luhan? Would you like to be her partner?"

"Yes," Luhan's soft, warm voice came back, yet his expression stayed cold. "Thank you, Miss Kim."

For the rest of the period, I worked by myself, scrawling little notes that I found pertinent in a little notebook for my project. But most of the notes were just as useless as I was. Why had I rejected him? Maybe I was going through a rebellious stage, and it was a sign of defiance against my family. Just because Luhan will be my family soon because of an engagement doesn't mean I have to be his partner for everything. We don't have to acknowledge each other. We don't have to talk. We don't have to be friends. Things will be fine if they are kept the way that they were, before this "marriage" thing happened.

It wasn't anything personal against Luhan. Actually, I kind of liked him. He wasn't nosy or annoying. He understood that we were family, but he didn't get any closer to me than he knew he should. Maybe he'd throw a smile or a nod of acknowledgement every once and a while, and yet I still pushed those small gestures away.

Poor Luhan. I bet he finds me absolutely repulsive right now. He probably thought I disliked him so much as to reject him in front of the entire class, making him seem like an idiot when others saw that there was a girl who lived and breathed that didn't want to cling to him every chance she gets.

But the truth is, it was the fact that I wanted to cling onto him that I had to push him away. I didn't want to become close to Luhan. I didn't want to start caring for him. If I did, I'm afraid that he'll think it is just an act of kindness due to the engagement. He'll probably think that I'm only acting kind towards him for the sake of my family. He'll think I'm fake. 

I have to be cold to him, to push him and his kindness away. After all, he'll just end up being somebody who I used to know in the long run. He won't stick around for long, even if he thinks we're family. If there's anything I've learned in my lifetime, it's that no one, not even family, will stick around you if they simply don't feel the need to acknowledge you. If they find you interesting, if they find you enough, they'll stick around. If they find you boring, if you're not enough, they'll leave. Plain and simple.

But I won't ever be alive to say that Xi Luhan left me like everyone else. No, I would make it so he and I never had each other in the first place. He would not be like everyone else who leaves me behind because I'm not good enough. I will make it so that we were never dear to each other . . . So when we have to say goodbye for the last time, it won't be too hard for me.

In other words, he's too good for me, and I know it.

*

An alluring aroma of fried rice captivated me when I walked through the door of my house. I made my way to the kitchen immediately, my stomach gurgling unattractively. "Unnie!" I dropped my backpack onto the tiled kitchen floor and ran to my sister, who was playing chef by the stove with a sizzling pan of yellow rice with meat and vegetables. You're probably the dumbest person in the world if you trust Jessica with cooking your meals, but fried rice was always her specialty, the only exception for her in cooking.

"Hey little one!" she cheerfully responded, turning off the stove when she was contented with her fried rice. "How was school?"

"Okay," I said, not thinking about it thoroughly.

"You must be starving." She giggled as she listened to my rumbling stomach.

I smiled at her. "You know me too well."

She instructed me to change out of my school uniform and set the table before eating. Umma and Appa were out on a business trip, and we were home alone. Usually, on nights like these, Sica would be out partying with some friends, or upstairs studying. But instead, she'd decided to spend some sister bonding time with me.

Though Jessica was part of the reason why I was often neglected and ignored by my parents, I was rather grateful to have her in my life. She'd always been there for me, even when she didn't need to be. Whenever Umma yelled at me, she'd defend me. Whenever Appa blamed me for things, she'd use her soft words to calm him. Jessica is probably the reason why I don't go to school with bruises and any physical injuries from my parents. Sometimes, when Sica can't prevent it, they'd hit me, and I've have a mark here and there for a few days. But if it wasn't for her, every bone in my body would probably be broken by now. She was my shield, my protector. Whenever I didn't have a voice, she'd speak for me. Sometimes, I don't understand why such a beautiful, strong person like her was unfortunate enough to have a little weak sister like me, whom she'd always have to go out of her own way to protect.

Jessica filled up our plates and said a little prayer before telling me to dig in. "It's delicious, Unnie!" I said, smiling so big that pieces of rice were probably falling out of my mouth. I meant what I said. Even though her cooking isn't the best, her food always tasted the best in the world to me. It wasn't like my mother's cooking, that was uncannily filling and tasty, even if she'd thrown the meal together in a few minutes' time. It wasn't like our part-time maid's cooking either, who had gone to culinary school to learn how to make food for big bucks. What made Sica's food taste different, better, than anybody else's was the fact that it came from her heart. Jessica would never cook if she didn't feel that it was needed. It has always been a challenge for her. When my mother cooks, it's mostly Sica's favorite foods, made especially for her. When the maid cooks, I can taste greed for money inbetween the vegetables and meats. But in my sister's cooking, even though she always cooks fried rice whenever she does decide to act like a chef, I taste love and care. Jessica had worried about me, because Umma was gone and our maid was off, so she came home and cooked for me because I'd be hungry from a long day of school and the only thing that I'm good at cooking is Ramen in the microwave. (There's another thing that she's better at than me. At least she knows how to cook fried rice. I'd probably screw that up too.)

"Did you talk to Luhan today?" she asked enthusiastically as she forked a few veggies and ate them.

"Kinda," I admitted, "but I guess not really."

Jessica looked confused. Her facial expression showed me that she was thinking about what to say to that, whether she should stop there or keep asking about Luhan. She jovially decided to settle upon saying, "You're weird," and moved on to another subject, which I was glad for. "I'm going out with a few friends tonight. Wanna come?"

"Who?" It wasn't every day that someone let down their pride and let an infamous nerd like me follow them around, especially when they were partying or hanging around other people.

"JongHyun, Tiffany, and a few of their friends."

I've always felt uncomfortable around Sica's friends. Though they don't know it, they intimidate me like a lion and a lamb. Don't get me wrong, Jessica is friends with a group of awesome, friendly people. I'm just not very good at making friends, that's all. I can barely get by at school. How does anyone expect me to uphold my unnie's pride by being a good sister in front of her friends? "No, it's okay," I declined, though I know she already knew my answer.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

*

Sleep came late for me that night. There were many things that kept my eyelids from getting droopy, just so many things to think about. Does Luhan despise me as much as he portrays so in class today? Do I try to keep too far of a distance from him? What will happen when the marriage follows through? Will it be a happy one? Will there be arguments? Will he commit adultery? It was hard for me to try to imagine this engagement meeting its promise. If it did, that means that I won't be able to see Jessica anymore. I can always visit her, I had assured myself. There will be phonecalls, and skyping, and text messages. But it just won't be the same. Jessica will not be a part of my family anymore. We will have two separate families, since one of us will be starting a new one with a husband. It was impossible for me to wrap my thoughts around the fact of losing my older sister. Anybody else would do, I was strong enough to let go, because everyone else never really gave me much to hold on to. But Jessica. . . Jessica is the rope that ties me to the rest of the world. She's the one link I had with any kind of love throughout my life. What will happen when I lose her because of this marriage? Who am I supposed to turn to? No one has ever showed me the care that Sica has shown me, and no one ever will. My insides burned at just the thought of parting with my sister, and I don't know how long I laid there until my consciousness subsided and I finally settled for sleep.

Ehh . I thought it would be longer , but I'm lazy . . . as always . Haha , sorry . ( & I apologize for any grammatical errors . ) But yes , I hope you can see that YoonA loves Sica very dearly , just for the fact that Jessica is the only person who's ever shown any type of care for YoonA . Basically , Jessica is YoonA's only " true " family , and she doesn't want to lose that . But the marriage with Luhan . . . Ahhhh . Haha . & the thing that happened btwn Luhan and YoonA during class , well , Luhan is just fed up with YoonA avoiding him & he's well aware that she only asked to be the only one w/o a partner because she'd rather be alone than with him . By the way , " Miss Kim " is actually Girls' Generation's TaeYeon :) . Comments - Subscribe ? Love you all <33333 .