I am always waiting for him. Every night, I sit by the window and wait for him even though I'm not entirely sure if he was coming at all. I spend my nights worrying if this marriage will ever last without love. But I do love my husband, the first moment I saw him, we were kids back then, 2 years apart. I was still so young to ever think twice about falling in love with him. I felt like I had to, felt like he was the one. So sure that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. So I had the illusion that he loved me too. But I was wrong. So wrong I have never been more wrong in my life. My husband is cold to me, he rarely talks when it is only us and he doesn't sleep in the same room as me that is why he bought a flat with 2 separate bedrooms. Our house is empty. We are both strangers. We do not know each other like married people should. This marriage is only because of the merger our families had planned a long time ago, during that first meeting, the very first time I saw him and immediately fell in love with him. But he was always so distant. He spoke to me in a cold way when no one was watching. I got my first heartbreak when he told me he hated me during my 8th birthday, no one knew but the both of us, I acted like nothing happen like I wasn't hurt, like I could just simply shrug it off. But I was hurt and I cried when I was all alone and no one was there to comfort me because no one knew. I am shy so I assumed that was probably why he hated me. So I tried to gain some confidence but he still hated me. He didn't want to be my friend. He didn't want anything to do with him except he was forced to. My husband knew all along, that I was bound to him, that even before I turn 18 I am already his even if he didn't want me. That is why he hated me. I accept all of it. His hate , his anger, his frustration. I can endure, to make him happy, I can endure anything. The night is as silent as ever. I do not cry because I know things will work out. Things happen for a reason if he is the right one for me, everything will be alright. MY heart is already broken, it has been for some time now, and I am unable to mend it, unable to stitch back it's broken pieces. I hear a knock on the door and looked through the peep hole to see who it was. 

 

Yonghwa was home.

 

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"You really didn't have to wait for me." Yonghwa said in his usual cool voice that made me nervous. I took off his coat, and hung it. He sat on the sofa. I stood in front of him.

 

"You forgot your key, Yonghwa shi." I said. My gaze was leveled with his obsidian black and very intimidating eyes. He was still looking at me. I shyly turned my eyes away. He is now staring at me. Eyeing me, from head to toe.

 

"I'll remember to always have it with me next time." Yonghwa said in a monotone that only had smooth edges. He did not take his eyes of me.

 

"Is something wrong?" I asked cautiously. It bothered me. It was unlike him. When he came home very late, we merely speak a few words to each other and then he goes straight to bed. Tonight was different. 

 

"No. Nothing's wrong." He grinned at me and it made my stomach flip. He was in a good mood. I am thankful for that.

 

"Are you not sleepy yet?" I asked and he merely brushed my question away. That is how it is between the two of us. I am used to it.

 

"Don't you get tired of this marriage?" This is what I feared the most. Yonghwa's eyes we're shining and it would have been a lovelier sight if it was out of pure love. It wasn't. It will never be.

 

"I don't know." I answered in a low hushed voice. It was barely a whisper. But he heard me. Loud and clear. His eyes we're on fire. I just spoiled his mood with 3 words.

 

"What do you mean you don't know?" His voice was ice cold and it stabbed me. I am hurt from the inside. Outside, I refused to show it. But inside I am bleeding. When he realized I wasn't going to say anything, he drove the knife even deeper. 

 

"Right. You're supposed to be an innocent young girl who's married to the boy she loves and who loves her in return." Yonghwa said sarcastically. I do not know how to defend myself. I am helpless.I merely look at him. He looks at me too, full of hate. Because I am here, because I exist, because I am his wife and he can't do anything about it. I am making him suffer. There is pain in that too.

 

"I'm sorry." I finally said. I fought back the tears. I have never cried in front of him before. And now is not a good time to start. It will only make him angrier. I do not want that to happen.

 

"Your sorry doesn't count. You know what-" He gritted his teeth. Raked his fingers through his hair. Even if he hurt me with his words. I still think he is handsome. " You and I are not meant for each other. We will never be meant for each other. I just want that to be clear." I try not to cry. I just wish I had a heart of stone just like him. It is unfair. That I am the only one hurt. The world is so cruel. It does not pity girls like me. Why should it? In the eyes of everybody, Yonghwa and I are happily married. In reality, we are not happy, we will never be happy, I don't expect us to be happy. I just want us to be friends. But even that, the world is taking away from me.

 

"I'm going to bed." Yonghwa yawned, stretched his arms and stood up. He ignored me. On his way to his room, he purposely bumped me and didn't turn back. Didn't see if I was knocked out, or if I was okay. He did not care. He simply did not care. There was nothing more to it than that. I heard the slamming of his bedroom door. I pull myself together taking deep breaths and forced my way back to my room. As soon as I was inside. I collapsed into bed, crying my eyes out. There was no one here to see me. I am as free as a bird. Ironically.