Though I'd deduced that Jay was the cause of the old Wooyoung returning, I wasn't entirely sure how it had come about... or maybe I just didn't want to believe what both my heart and mind were telling me.

I continued to watch Wooyoung as the weeks passed and though his hair had gotten longer and constantly fell in his eyes, it could never disguise what he was really thinking of. His face was like an open book to me, each and every emotion represented in the set of his jaw, the line of his brow, the teeth tugging at his lip and even the way he blinked.

I asked Taecyeon for his opinion after the third week, being careful not to let anything about Jay slip past my lips, but he was far from comforting.

"He's probably just happy to be home."

But how high was the probability? I didn't push it, fearful that my continued asking would make Taecyeon begin to wonder what I was getting at. Thankfully, he just believed I was concerned with how Wooyoung was coping. I suppose he was partly right but instead of wondering if he was okay, I was wondering if he was too okay.

Wooyoung and I were eventually left alone at the dorm together, the other members not-so-discreetly hurrying out the door after sensing my need to speak to him. He sat at one end of the couch and I the other and ten minutes passed with no words shared. I watched Wooyoung's fingers fly over the keypad of his phone and I'd finally had enough.

"How's Jay?"

"What do you mean?" he asked sharply, fingers stiffening. A second of more silence passed before he sighed, about to brush my question off. "I told you not to talk about him around me. Why do you have to keep bringing up-"

"Stop, Wooyoung. I know you. I know that you and Jay are in contact." I watched his hand tighten around his phone and knew that there was no going back. "Did he kidnap you? Kidnap," I laughed bitterly, realising my mistake. "Did you plan it together? Did you think you could both have a little vacation while we suffered here, believing you were dead?"

"It wasn't like that!" he snapped, his thin lips pressing into an even thinner line when he noticed he'd slipped. I knew that the truth was so close to flooding out.

"Then what was it like? Did he keep you there against your will?"

Wooyoung regarded me with eyes as hard as diamonds until they slowly melted along with his resolve and he seemed to crumple before me.

"He did at first," he whispered, refusing to look at me as he stared off into the distance, seeming to be reliving his time away. I waited for him to say more but he continued to look pensive. His phone buzzed in his hands and he winced, broken from his flashback, and he glanced at me, his gaze apologetic. I ignored it.

"And then what? How could he make you forget the hurt he caused you so easily?!"

"How? By being Jay! Who else would kidnap me in broad daylight from a broadcasting station just because they missed me? He's crazy enough to carry it out and he's the only person that can break the chains that being an idol has placed over me. I know you've tried your best to take his place but you're..." he trailed off, seeming to realise how hard his words were, but it wasn't difficult for me to guess what he was going to say.

"I'm not him," I finished. Those words didn't hurt as much as I thought they would and I guessed it was because I'd known they were true all along.

"No. Even now, you won't even try to fight what I'm saying. You're just sitting there, calm and accepting as always, but Jay would whisk me away to a place where all I can see and hear and think and breathe is him until I gave in. You never stand your ground when Jay's involved."

"Maybe you're right. But I lost to him a long time ago. It's like you said. I'm not him and I never can be. I'll never be able to reach a good enough standard to be worthy of you. I've never tried to fill all of your senses because I know that you'll just close your eyes and fill them with Jay regardless. He's woven himself so deeply into you and it's so intricately done that I have no hope of cutting him out."

He didn't have anything to say to that because he knew I was right and I knew that he knew.

"So now what?" he asked eventually, moving to cross his arms before thinking better of it. "Are you going to reveal the truth to everyone?"

"No. That would just stir up another scandal and we've had enough of those to last us a lifetime. But you're at least going to tell the members what really happened. They have a right to know."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll tell them." He nodded at my answer, obviously expecting it.

I stood to leave then, surprised that I'd manage to keep my control this long, but he stopped me with a few parting words. "Let me go."

"I've already taken the first step," I replied, barely able to keep the tremors from my voice. I opened the door to my room, ready to step inside, but he stopped me again.

"Khun?" I kept my head averted.

"Mmm?" I no longer trusted myself to speak.

"Thank you."

I nodded once, my tears now falling freely, and shut the door, both in body and in mind. The empty room screamed its silence and, though unknown to me, it contrasted starkly with the vibrant room that Wooyoung had come to love. My room held no escape from reality, no other world that I could share with a lover as he had. He and I had never shared anything like that, no matter how much I opened myself to him and no matter how much he tried. But at least he did try. Maybe if I'd had more time I would have been able to weave a part of myself into him as Jay had.

I stopped myself then before I had the chance to take the route of 'What if?'s; it wouldn't do anything for me now, though I did allow myself to spare a few thoughts to the happiness that I wished for Wooyoung. And Jay too. The fact that he had everything he wanted in one man who returned the feeling had never felt unfair to me, it still didn't now, and I realised that this must be how it felt to selflessly love another.