It has been almost a year and I haven’t seen much of Chansung. He would come by on the holidays and call on my birthday, but other than that; that was about it. Somehow I learned to get on with my life without him, but the pain of not having him personally still remained. At this point, I really needed to decide what to do.

Did it seem selfish to want him all to myself? What was so special about this girl where she was able to capture his heart in so little time? I had always been there for him and I would move everything between heaven and hell for him. One thing that I had failed to realize is that she has something that I don’t and that is a .

What I am blatantly saying is that she can give him a family and I cannot. He had always talked about getting married and having children; and I can see him being a wonderful family man. I cannot give him either of the two and I know that it too much to give up for one person. However, all I knew was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Chansung and loving someone else was simply going to be impossible. I won’t even try. More and more Chansung would tell me about how things are getting serious with his girl. He and I already know what the next step is at this point was and I WILL NOT let that happen.

I was preparing for my own art exhibit. I was really excited because so many artists had taken interest in my work and wanted me to personally showcase it. Artists from around the world would come to Korea and purchase works of art at this event. Finally my hard work and passion had been paying off. During my art career, I had made friends with a French artist named Dimitri, who was also showcasing his work. He was a wonderful artist and a great friend. He would listen to me and give me great advice. After the exhibit, I invited him over my place for some tea. He loved tea so much. I hadn’t been saying much; not that I intended on being quiet, but I just didn’t have much to say for a long time.

D: (sips tea) Are you going to sit there and stare at the floor or are you going to talk?

J: (comes out of daze) I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind and I am not sure how to deal with it.

D: Dear, please explain. You know that you can tell me anything.  

J: Well, Chansung had been telling me how his relationship with his girlfriend has gotten more serious. He might even consider marrying her, but I don’t think I could deal with that. He seems so happy with her and I am over here miserable and suffering. I just don’t know what to do. I have to choose whether I am going to hold my tongue for the final time and let this happen or take him away from the girl I know he loves. Either way, to some degree it is selfish.

D: It sounds like you already know what to do. And to be honest with you, I think that it is not selfish to want to be with the one you love. I mean, you were in the picture first, so you have a right to feel as though you are more important than her. However, although he says this now, are you sure that he may marry her?

J: I’m pretty positive.

D: You need to tell him now…this may be your last chance to tell him all that he needs to know before he make a mistake and marries this girl. Don’t wait until you go to your mailbox one day and find a wedding invitation; you know you will be the best man too. At that point, he would hate you if you tried to ruin his wedding. Do this before it is too late. Forget about the girl; this is between you and Chansung. He needs to know.

Dimitri was right. There is no way that I could let Chansung marry this girl. I needed to let him know just how much I loved him and needed him near me. Too much time has passed and I had forced myself to believe that Chansung is better off without me but I’m not better off without him. He was my everything and there is no way that watching him slip away with me could be consoled. Dimitri had more to say.

D: Junho, you need to stop beating yourself up for not telling Chansung beforehand. It was a difficult situation. He was your best friend and all you wanted was for him to be happy and still keep your friendship with him. It’s just that when he was actually going to leave you did you finally realize how deep your feelings were for him and have struggled with that truth ever since. We all make mistakes and make decisions at the current point in time; not knowing what the consequences are going to be in the future. However, sometimes we are fortunate to be able to get more than one opportunity to make things better in our favor.

J: Please tell me again why you are an artist? You have so much accurate insight; you should have been a physiologist.

D: Dear, you are too kind. I just understand that in life things like this happen all the time; especially with love. Love is one of those tangible but intangible things. You are on the right track. I think that you should go to California, tell Chansung how you feel about him, and see how things work out. It may be a little inconvenient now but so what. This is the love of your life that we are talking about here.

D: You are more than right. I can’t bear to watch him marry someone and know that he could have been with me. I just hope that he feels the same for me. Even if he doesn’t, at least he will know my heart’s feelings before he does anything else. It is just a risk that I will have to take.

The next day, I sat down and booked a plane to California. It was expensive because it was so last minute but my baby was worth every penny. I packed a small bag and was on my way. As I sat on the plane, all I could think about was seeing Chansung’s face. He looked so different now; very manly. He had grown up, but still remained the gentle sweetheart that I had always known. This time it was now or forever hold my peace and I can’t hold it in any longer. Chansung was going to be mine if it was the last thing that I did.