Have you ever been friends with someone and you wanted the best for them no matter what? Have you ever somehow fallen in love with them and didn’t have the courage to tell? Have you ever stood by and watch them pursue happiness, and you stand by happy for them, but on the inside your heart is broken? Well, that is the story of my life. And today, I find myself regretting that I never told the love of my life how much I wanted to be with him and how much I missed him.

Chansung and I had been the best of friends and met in college. The two of us had been exploring different career paths, but nonetheless we always helped one another with school work as much as possible. We shared our secrets and told one another everything. He was gentle and loving and my heart would flutter every time I was around him. I couldn’t explain why he made me feel like this, but I knew that it had to be love. I don’t usually feel like this about someone but he was certainly special. I wanted nothing but to protect him, love him, and would do anything for him. However, he didn’t see our friendship like I did. He simply thought of me as the bro that would go out his way for another bro. This was true yes, but there was so much more to it; he had no idea.

After college, we graduated and he decided that it would be better for him to go to America to pursue his career. This struck me like a bat to a baseball. America? On the other side of the world? Away from me? He couldn’t be serious, but he was. As a matter of fact, he had been considering it for some time, but didn’t know how I was going to take it. He knew that I wasn’t going to want him to go away, but he was so sure that this was something that he wanted to do. I was going to be supportive of him no matter what, but the thought of him leaving me was too much. However, I didn’t want to trouble him any further so I held my tongue.

All of my fears became reality when I was helping him pack his stuff. He was really going to go. He had already purchased a small apartment just for him in California and had everything set up in place. I could have gone along with him, but I had no money at the time. Trust me, if I did, the two of us would be going together. When we finally packed the final box, he turned and looked at me, seeing that I had been quiet and not really looking at him much during the time we were packing.

C: Hey, are you going to be ok with me being gone?

J: (smiles to hide pain) I will try. I know that this is something that you really want to do and I am with you all the way. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.

C: (worried) I hope so. You hadn’t even looked at me since you came here. I know that this is hard for you and if you really want me to stay I will.

J: Don’t be ridiculous! You already brought a home and everything, so there is no turning back now. You are going and that’s that. (More tenderly) Perhaps one day I will get to visit you.

C: (smiles) I have no doubt in my mind. I will keep in contact with you don’t worry. I can’t forget you Junho.

Ever since that day those words stuck with me. He knew that leaving was going to impact me no matter what idiotic attempts I made to hide it. And when he said that he would stay if I wanted him to…I knew that there would be no way for that to be possible. I didn’t want to be the reason why he wouldn’t get to fulfill his dreams. I loved him so much. When he assured me that he would keep in contact with me, it somewhat softened the devastation that I had felt. I knew that I had to accept this and that holding onto him was only going to make me long for him more. However, my heart just couldn’t help itself.

At first, he did keep his promise and kept in contact with me every day. He would take pictures and talk about how much he liked it out in Cali. It was good to see him happy and it made me feel better that he was enjoying himself. However, he told me that he had been dating this girl and that he thinks he might be in love with her. This news shattered my every being into tiny pieces and the only thing I could say to him was to go for it. I said it in spite of myself. I didn’t mean those words at all. What I wanted to say was “What about me? I love you and I will always be there for you?  I want you to be with me.” These words never came to my lips. He was glad that I had given my approval. After that, I heard from him less and less. I knew that I had lost the opportunity to finally tell him how I had felt about him all this time. Now, I find myself in my studio apartment, paintings hung on the walls all around me reflecting my broken heart and longing for Chansung. Others find my work profound and deep with expression, but they have no idea how real these actually are. They hold so much regret and pain that I have no one to blame but myself for.

Oh how I wish I could turn back time and use the opportunities I had to my advantage! How I wish I didn’t let him slip away without him knowing how much I loved him and wanted him to be mine. Instead, I let it all go; just enough for him to not suspect anything to be wrong with me to give up everything and stay. What am I to do? Some would say that I just have to deal with this as a consequence, but it is not going to be an easy thing. Sometimes I can’t sleep because the pain is too much. He is the only thing that is in my mind. He was my motivation to live. Now, I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. I love being an artist, but what was there to motivate me other than the negative? I need him. I longed for him. My heart just can’t take it anymore. Someday, I want to tell him how I feel, but I know that today just isn’t going to be the day.