It's been months. It's been years. Or it feels like it. I check the calendar to be sure.

3 weeks.

3 long weeks. I live on autopilot. I wake up, eat something, go to school, work, come back home, do schoolwork, eat (often the leftovers), and then sleep. It became a cycle. It had only been 3 weeks, but it felt like forever without him. 

I missed everything.

The small texts.

The random phone calls.

The surprise visits.

The whispered words.

The cuddling.

The blushes.

The unspoken connection.

The way he just knew.

The way he would hold me.

Every. Single. Thing.

And it was killing me. I sluggishly got up as I did every morning and as I always did, and for the first time in a while I checked my mailbox. I had the whole Saturday off so I took the time to clean, occupying my mind while dumping the untouched pile of mail on the kitchen table.

My phone vibrated twice and rang three. Ever since that day, he had called me and texted me often. His group mates did too, but not as often. I had deleted his number and his group members' numbers, but they were so engrained into my head I knew them at first glance. Every single time, I would delete it without reading and never answer the numerous calls. I knew my resolve would weaken if I did.

Finally, home clean, I check through the mail. I answer each card with my own response and send in my bills and taxes. I come to one final envelope, a single white, plain envelope that is blank, devoid of any writing or postage stamps. My hands shake. 

Slowly and carefully, I open it and taking a breath of courage, I look inside. Inside is a ticket to their next concert, complete with backstage passes and full-access to everything. I lay it down on the table, hesitant. I knew that they were expensive, especially since I had thought about buying a ticket to one of their earlier performances and nearly staggered at the sight of all those numbers. 

The items lay before me and I know what they mean.

Come back. 

To us.

To me. 

I lift the envelope and a paper slides out, a small square that only has one line on it.

I--We--miss you.

My hands shake again and I drop the paper and the envelope onto the floor, unable to stop my trembling. Slowly, I pick up the two items and lay them on the top of everything else. I stand up and toss out the other unimportant and taken-care-of letters. 

After, I go to the supermarket and shop for a few food items on sale. I pick up an apple, wondering if it is worth it before a hand latches onto my wrist. I look up and my lips begin to form his name, but he puts his hand over my mouth and I stay silent.

Slowly, he removes his hand and I stand there, stuck, unsure of what to do. Without words, he helps me shop after grabbing the list out of my hands and walks me home. Out of habit, he follows me in and stands in the kitchen, watching me put away things. I bite on my lips nervously, feeling his eyes follow my back.

Are you coming? 

The sudden question throws me off and I pause before continuing to work as if he hadn't said a word.

I miss you...We all miss you...He misses you the most though.

There's no question on who he is. His voice turns desperate as I continue to unpack my groceries.

Can't you at least give us an explanation?!

I purse my lips and take a shaky breath.

I'm...sorry.

Sorry?

His voice is harsh and it hurts. I had always thought of him as a younger brother, an adorable sibling, but seeing--or hearing--him like this kills me inside.

Don't say sorry! Come back! Come back to me! To him! To us! We...We miss you so much.

I stay silent.

Did you know?

I turn to him slowly and see him his lips nervously.

Did you know that the whole reason we wanted our album to go number one was so that he could announce his relationship with you and then the two of you wouldn't have to go on dates in secret?

I open my mouth and close it before answering.

That's a lie. It's for your dreams.

No! That's a lie! I mean, we're already in our dreams--being idols! We...We always heard about you from him. During the trainee days, when we debuted, while we were making a comeback. All the time. All he ever talked about to us was you. Then, you appeared before us, made us all love you--like a sibling! Because, we knew that your heart belonged to him...Then, you left without a word. At least-! At least give us a reason!

My breath hitched and tears fell out before I could stop them. I can see him panic and I raise a hand to stop him, gathering my wits.

He doesn't love me.

My voice sounds hollow, even to myself and I can see by the look in his eyes that he doesn't believe me one bit. He opens his mouth before closing it.

Will you come?

His eyes lead mine to the ticket and pass on the table. I have no answer and he can tell too.

At least try...Noona. 

I look at the boy that I loved like a sibling and wonder if I should. To be honest, I was a year older than their oldest member and it was a bit odd, hearing the one I loved call me Noona jokingly. Hearing my sibling-like...friends say it was reassuring as if I weren't alone, but hearing him say it made me feel so hot, as if saying that had we been alone in the world, he would have jumped me then and there. 

The boy in front of me, my unrelated sibling, takes my silence as a no and heads to leave when I snap out of my musings.

I-!

He turns to me hopefully.

I...will. 

His eyes automatically brighten and he holds my hands in his.

You won't regret it Noona!

...But...that doesn't mean I'm ready to go back yet. 

He visibly saddens, but there's still that steel of hope that I can't find in myself to break.

It's ok Noona. You're confused right? So take your time. 

I wave him out, ignoring the happy look on his face when I give him a huge pot of curry to bring to the members.

They're leftovers.

He doesn't seem to mind at all. His smile stops suddenly and my breath stops at his serious look.

No matter what, remember that you're important.

I'm important.

I repeat it as if it were a dream and he nods before disappearing. I close the door and lean on it, sliding down until I can touch my knees to my forehead and feel the warmth spread through my chest. 

I try and kill my hope, that the rumor was just that and he still loved me, but it stays kindled. I give a shuddering breath and face the facts. 

I just couldn't live without him.