The next few months were torture.

            At first, Luhan had looked the same. His face lit up in a smile and his eyes shone when Sehun walked in the room. Sehun made sure that his face was composed; he didn’t want to worry Luhan about anything. Luhan had enough stuff to think about without Sehun’s problems.

            They spent their hours chattering about nothing, Sehun usually Luhan’s soft hands with his own.

            But as time passed, Luhan’s hair began to fall out; his skin acquired a grayish tint. Sehun found it harder to act like nothing was wrong.

            He would harass the doctors after seeing Luhan, begging for information.

            He’s getting better, they said, he’ll be back to normal in no time. Everything will be fine.

            Those were the biggest lies Sehun had ever heard in his life.

            Nothing was going to be fine. And Sehun knew that.

            It had been two months since Luhan had started chemotherapy.

            Everything was going wrong.

            Luhan was not getting better, even Joonmyun could see that. Joonmyun, who saw the bright side of everything. Joonmyun, whose enthusiasm was eager to the point of annoying. Joonmyun, forever the optimist. Joonmyun, who never gave up.

            Even Joonmyun was ready to give up.

            Sehun had given up a long time ago.

            He hated himself for it, but he knew that Luhan was going to die. He knew the chemotherapy wasn’t going to work. And he accepted it. He accepted the fact that he was going to lose Luhan.

            It didn’t mean he was okay with it.

            Sehun cherished the time he could spend in the hospital, next to Luhan. Watching the elder sleep, his eyelashes fluttering, his breath rushing in and out of his body in gentle puffs.

            Even without physical beauty, Luhan was beautiful.

            And Sehun still loved him. Nothing would be able to change that.

            The doctor was still optimistic, and Sehun both loved and hated him for it. Every time Sehun asked for an update on Luhan’s condition, he would talk about how it was very possible for the chemotherapy to start becoming more effective any day now, and Luhan was strong, he could make it. It was nice to hear positive things for a change.

            But Sehun didn’t want to give himself false hope.

            Two more months passed.

            There was no change in Luhan’s condition. This was both a blessing and a curse, because while Luhan did not get any worse, he didn’t get better either.

            Sehun visited Luhan every day, regardless of whether it was visiting hours or not. The hospital staff knew him by then, and they would magically become oblivious to Sehun when he rushed in the hospital doors after hours. Sehun was eternally grateful to them for making exceptions.

            He lied by Luhan’s side on the bed, grasping the elder’s hand, feeling the tiny bones that jutted out from under his skin. Luhan had lost so much weight. Too much. Sehun closed his eyes, wanting the block out the unwanted images.

            He could see himself holding Luhan’s hand while Luhan vomited into a plastic bag. Sweeping the hair that had fallen out into a trashcan before the elder could wake up. Holding Luhan during his crying fits that occurred from time to time. Bringing him gifts from fans, this always cheered him up, at least for a little while. Kissing him lightly on the forehead while he was sleeping. Turning back for one last look before left for the night.

           Sehun slid into the chair next to the bed and buried his face into his hands, feeling wetness cover his hands.

            Stop crying, Oh Sehun. Stop. It won’t change anything.

            But the tears wouldn’t stop.

            And for the first time in four months, Sehun cried.

            He cried for Luhan, for the life he would never have. For cancer patients in general, how unfair it was that their life had to be cut short. For the rest of the members, who had to hide their pain under the makeup and smiles every day. For himself, because he would never be the same again without Luhan.

            But most of all, he cried because there was nothing he could do but cry. And even that wouldn’t change anything.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            Sehun jumped. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing 3 A.M.

            “Hyung, you should be sleeping, it’s so late.”

            Luhan was frailer than he had been before, but he still managed to glare at Sehun.

            “You’re one to talk. How long has it been since you’ve slept through the entire night?”

            “Um…”

            “Exactly.”

            Sehun tried to wipe the tears from his face without Luhan noticing. It didn’t work.

            “Sehun-ah, why are you crying?”

            “I’m not crying.”

            “Don’t lie to hyung.”

            Sehun was silent.

            Luhan reached out for Sehun, but Sehun pulled back. Touching Luhan would just bring more tears.

            Luhan looked hurt.

            “What’s wrong, Sehun-ah?”  

            “Nothing, hyung.”

            Sehun expected Luhan to say something like, “Don’t ‘nothing, hyung’ me!” or “Stop lying to me!”, but Luhan didn’t.

            He just looked sad.

            Luhan half sat up in bed, supporting his skinny frame with one frail arm. He was biting his lip, like he always did when he was nervous.

            “Sehun-ah, do you still love me?” His voice cracked on the word ‘love’. Sehun’s heart cracked with it.

            “Hyung, what are you talking about?”

            “Well, I’m not pretty anymore and you still are, and plus I’m going to die anyway, and–“

            Before Sehun could stop himself, he was next to Luhan on the bed, and had cut him off with his lips. He felt Luhan stiffen with surprise, and then relax, their bodies fitting together perfectly, like always.

            Sehun could feel that Luhan wasn’t as strong as he used to be; back then, Luhan had been the one to wrap his arms tightly around Sehun. Now, he could barely keep himself upright to keep his lips pressed against the younger’s. Sehun repositioned himself so Luhan wouldn’t have to strain himself; they were now lying on their sides, facing each other.

            Luhan had lost all of his hair, and his scar was prominent on his scalp. His skin was cracked and dry, and tinted gray. His body was bony, having lost almost all the fat and muscle that had been there before. His hands were rough and chapped, and stayed that way no matter how much lotion he applied.

            But his eyes had never lost their brightness. No matter what happened, no matter what some of the doctors said, his eyes retained their luster. They were full of hope, hope that he would get better, that he would be able to go back to normal life. They were full of life, the life that was cruelly being taken away from him. They were full of love, love for everything.

            He was beautiful.

            Sehun pulled him closer, feeling Luhan bury his face into the younger’s neck; he could feel Luhan’s soft breathing on his skin. Their chests were pressed together, and he could feel their hearts steadily beating together. He closed his eyes, wishing that things could go back to the way they used to be.

            Sehun could’ve done so much better.

            He could’ve been a better boyfriend. A better friend. A better person.

            He could’ve. He should’ve. And he would’ve.

            He wished he could go back in time to when he first met Luhan. He wished that they had gotten to know each other better sooner. They could’ve had so much time. So much time.

            He was so stupid. He should’ve realized that he loved Luhan quicker. He loved Luhan more than anything in the world. Why couldn’t he have seen that earlier?

            Sehun regretted it. He regretted everything. Luhan deserved so much better.

            But he got me. He fell in love with the idiot that doesn’t deserve him.

            “You’re not going to die.”

Sehun pressed his lips to Luhan’s forehead. Luhan’s deep breathing told Sehun that the elder had fallen asleep. He gently disengaged himself from the sleeping figure and positioned him so he was comfortable on the bed. Luhan’s face was relaxed, more relaxed than it had been the last couple of nights. For a moment, he looked young and healthy again. They way he used to be.

            When the doctor told the members that Luhan was undergoing another surgery, they hadn’t known how to react. The doctor hadn’t been able to give them any specific information because no one knew the state of the tumor. The surgeons reassured them again and again that there would be no complications; it would be a quick, easy surgery, and they would have the results in no time.

            They didn’t believe him, but the doctor looked so exhausted that they decided not to give him a hard time.

            Sehun held Luhan that night for hours, listening to him breathe and feeling his heart beat. When Sehun thought Luhan had fallen asleep, he lay him on the bed gently, to not wake him up.

            Luhan wasn’t sleeping.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            Sehun rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

            “Hyung, you should be sleeping. You have surgery tomorrow.”

            “But I’m going to be unconscious during the entire surgery. I don’t have to sleep.”

            Sehun smiled, despite himself.

            “Sehun-ah, how long has it been since you slept?”

            Sehun didn’t answer. He didn’t know the answer anyway.

            Luhan held his arms out.

            “Okay. You’re going to sleep through the entire night. Don’t argue.”

            Sehun didn’t want to argue.

            Luhan wrapped his arms around the younger boy, pressing his lips to Sehun’s forehead. Sehun closed his eyes, his head leaning against Luhan’s chest. His heartbeat was still steady, and Sehun prayed that it would stay that way.

            Sehun fell asleep, even though he had told himself that he wasn’t going to. He woke up to Luhan’s soft breathing. His head was lying on the crook of Luhan’s arm, and he had been facing Luhan’s neck. His left hand and Luhan’s right hand were clasped together, their fingers twined. Luhan’s eyes were closed, and his lashes fluttered as he slept, like they always did. All the stress and worry was gone from his face, and he looked so calm. Peaceful.

            Sehun’s heart broke at the thought of his pain.

            Luhan woke up later, and scolded Sehun for not waking him up earlier.

            “You looked like you were having a good dream.”

            Luhan pouted, but he didn’t disagree with what Sehun said.

            Sehun wondered what Luhan had been dreaming about, but there wasn’t time to ask before the doctors came to administer the anesthesia. Sehun kissed Luhan, and watched as the nurses wheeled Luhan’s bed behind the doors.

            Baekhyun put his arm around Sehun. Sehun started; he hadn’t noticed the elder come in.

            “He’ll be fine.” Baekhyun sounded so sure.

            “I hope so.”

            “I know so.”

            Sehun smiled, but he felt his heart breaking.

            The surgery was supposed to take six hours, and the results would be available soon after that. The doctor told them to come back at about 7 P.M.that night.

            So of course, Sehun had a photoshoot until 9 with Jongin.

            Sehun could barely concentrate, often spacing out for minutes at a time. But the director seemed to approve of his expressions, so Sehun didn’t get yelled at. After he was done, he watched as Jongin posed for the camera, trying to hide his impatience.

            Luhan was out of surgery already, and Sehun didn’t know what had happened. He didn’t have his phone so he couldn’t text anyone to find out.

            Sehun needed to get to the hospital.

            Jongin took another hour, and by that time, Sehun was banging his head on the wall. Or at least was trying to, but his manager was holding him back.

            The director finally decided that the pictures they had were satisfactory, and Sehun jumped up and thanked the staff as quickly as possible. He needed to go.

            Sehun half dragged Jongin, their manager, and their noonas to the van and pushed them inside. He hopped in the van after them, and yelled at their manager to drive as quickly as possible. In other circumstances, Sehun would have been scolded, but everyone understood his situation and cut him some slack.

            The drive to the hospital was supposed to have taken twenty minutes, but naturally, there was awful traffic, and it took close to an hour. Sehun stared out the window, not seeing what was outside. The bright, flashing lights of the city didn’t grab his attention at all.

            Jongin put his hand on the younger’s shoulder, but Sehun didn’t even turn.

            “Sehun-ah, at least blink.”

            Sehun blinked.

            Jongin sighed, but he didn’t say anything else.

            When they finally finally finally pulled up in front of the hospital, Sehun flung the door open and jumped out of the van, pulling a helpless Jongin along with him. He tore through the hallway and into the waiting room. All of the rest of the members were already there, and so was a doctor.

            Everyone turned to look at him and Jongin when they burst in through the double doors. The doctor had clearly been talking, but he had stopped to stare at them. Sehun gasped for breath.

            “Well? What happened? How is he? Where is he? Can I see him? How did–“

            Joonmyun held out to Sehun a thick manila folder full of papers. Sehun stared at it.

            “What is this?”

            Joonmyun didn’t say anything, but Sehun saw a tear glimmer on his cheek.

            Sehun grabbed the folder, almost spilling its contents.

*Beautiful – EXO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKBJaDKJpXs

A/N: It's finally Friday THANK GOD :""DDDDDD

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