Last flashback before going back to the present storyline..

Sorry for the delay.

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Laughter... that was the thing I've heard as I as huddled on the bench at the park.

Laughter that was familiar to my ears. A laugh that I had once known and yet hadn't heard in over two months and another laugh that I always heard in our dormitory. I cringed as I continue to listen to their laughter. I refused to lookp up, I didn't want to see the faces that would be there... I didn't want to hear the voices that I knew fit that set of laughter. Yet the one... the one that has dark black hair, peircing black eyes and smooth skin appeared before my closed eyes and I couldn't block it out, no matter what I do... no matter how hard I tugged my hair out... no matter how much I wished for him to disappear. Footsteps neared and suddenly stopped, but I still refused to look up even with the knowledge that the two of them were staring at me. I must have looked terrible, my copper brown hair blown about, my skin cold and pale and my face, still hidden in my arms and knees, red and still wet from tears.

"L... what is it?" A cheerful voice that I'm so familiar with. A man's voice that I always heard in our dorm. My assumptions were true then and I cried more at that. Is it only the two of us? Or does he have more in his collection? Wasn't I enough for him? He had told me that once and yet he had lied.

"Sung...sungjongie?" He asked, his voice shaking.

"Sungjong?" The other voice echoed. I looked up at him, unable to turn away and immediately regretted it. L had one arm around his waist-Lee Sungyeol's waist to be exact-while he was molded to side and walking with their finger interlaced. "Go away." I whisphered, burying my face in my hands again. He was the damn member that I trusted the most and he was the one that betrayed me. I was lucky if I saw L once every three days but seeing the two them together confirmed that they spent the night with each other. Hell! I thought that he was on my side but he was the one that ruined everything.

"Why aren't you at your vocal lesson? Myungsoo asked while Sungyeol remained speechless. 

Feeling too spiteful to care, I retorted. "Why do you care?"

"Sungjongie..." Sungyeol reached out and touched my arm, gasping at how cold I was and schocked when I slapped his hand away.

"Why are you sitting out here with this kind of weather?" L asked me but I pulled myself into an even tighter ball.

Because you kick me out of our dorm... because I don't want to listen to the sounds while the both of you were each others name... That was the thing that I want to answer him...instead... "because I don't have anywhere to go" were the words that came out of my mouth.

"What about the twin's or your other friends? I was certain you'd go there!" I almost laughed. Sungyeol looked like a lost puppy with his jaw slightly ajar and him... he sounded so concerned about me. If he was so concerned about me then he shouldn't have ignored me for so long... he shouldn't have thrown me out of his room everytime he wanted to have a quality time with his other lover and above all he shouldn't have cheated on me with him. But it is apparent that he didn't care...because if he cared he would've seen what he had driven me to and he didn't.

"You told me not to go there again." I heard a gasped. Sungyeol was seemed shock with this information. Who would not be... when your team's visual is restricting your maknae from seeing other people.

"Sungyeol..." L was speechless, he didn't knew the words who would say next, "do you mind if we take Sungjongie home? I think he's sick and can't care for himself." I heard L say and feel Sungyeol assisted me to stand up. But the latter was still oblivious of what was really happening that moment. I want to laugh when L didn't call me his lover anymore and I knew that I would receive another bashing from L again for disturbing their date. I jumped up and hit him. I don't know what comes into me but I hit him and it was not a good thing.

"I said 'go away' Kim Myungsoo! You said it enough to me, you should understand it. Don't act like you care about me when you obviously don't!" I screamed at him and then ran away again. I ran away in fear. Never had I hit him before or even yelled at him, but I was in such a state of utter confusion and pain that I wasn't even thinking straight. I knew I'd regret it, but not once did I ever wish of being able to change what I did. He deserved it for all the pain that he has given me and I knew that, but I still couldn't leave him. And regret it I did. At some point, I had to come home and when I did, he beat me so bad that I almost couldn't stand. He was drunk and out of his mind with anger, yelling at me for talking back at him and other incoherent things. Yet I didn't fight back. I wished for his touch so much that even the hits and the slaps and the kicks were soothing to my mind. He was touching me again and even if it was in anger, it was still his touch. But that couldn't help my pain. It couldn't help my need for him. Fortunately for him, it was the two of us that was only present in our dorm that time.  

The next day, when he saw me bloody and bruised, I told him that I have some unfortunate encounter with my anti-fans and that I couldn't get rid of them unscathed, I just couldn't tell him the truth. He made a move to touch me ... to touch my face, but I stumbled away from him and quickly apologized before locking myself in the bathroom. I told him I didn't want him to see me like this and I really didn't need any help with the cuts, that I could do it myself, but honestly, I didn't want him touching me at the moment. Also, I wondered if the rest of Infinite was curious when I hide in my shared room for almost three days not minding to eat and would only go out when I need to use the comfort room. I would avoid their presence and I hid beneath my covers and it was Sunggyu that urged me to eat even if it was only in little amounts. Everything that was happening was driving me crazy...driving me to the edge of my sanity. Half of me wanted him to just touch me, be it in anger or love, and the other half of me wanted to run from him and never look back because he continued to hurt me.

There was a time when he stood by my room's door, telling me there was nothing going on with him and Sungyeol, that it was planned by the CEO and the company and everything was for publicity act only. I snorted and said everything was fine...that I am fine... with my silent voice and listened to him walk away. After a few minutes of sitting by the door, I silently crept into the shower. I clearly don't know what brought me there but I decided to clean myself off. To clean myself from his touch, from the pain that he inflicted me... to get rid of every pleasure and pain he has brought me. My skin was bright red when I finished in the shower but the glistening razor caught my attention. I picked it up, savoring the pain and the wave of euphoria that came next. I swore that this would be the last time I cut myself, that after this time, I would be stronger and be more determined to stay away from every sensation that each cut I made brought me. 

Yet only a week later, I took out the razor again and relished the pain bearing pleasure and the burning sensation of metal on flesh. The first I had cut myself it was only three small cuts on each legs and within one week time, it got worse. The intensity of my cutting got worse. First it was once a week, after a month it became two or three times a week, but soon it turned into five or six times and then every day -- sometimes twice or thrice a day, depending on how badly my day went.

My first onset of major depression set in soon after I saw them together at an expensive restaurant and I began starving myself, hoping that maybe... just maybe... then L would notice me if I was thinner. I would just watch him and the other members eat when we went to some restaurants and refuse to touch my food saying that I have grabbed something to eat before I went home. Sometimes, I would plainly refuse their offer and stay at our dorm, hugging my bear as if my lifeline depended on it. L would sometimes looked at me curiously while the rest would give me some pitiful looks, but they never said anything. There were times that Sunggyu and Hoys would leave some random snacks and drinks on my bed and I am thankful for it. Almost a week after of starvation, I had passed out for the first time in many times during work. We were busy preparing for our new album and we were elated with the fact that we were nearing completion, that's why they suggested to celebrate in advance. I blamed it on excitement and being not able to sleep the night before, but I knew truth and I suspected Sunggyu-hyung did also. So, I took up eating lunch under the watchful eyes of our leader and only when I was at work or I was with him. If I have a day off or away from our leader, I refused to eat anything and just drank water or whatever drinks available in our fridge. 

The door opened and a scuffle of feet alerted me to someome's presence. Here I thought that I could savor the pleasure of being alone since I don't have any schedule but fate seemed to hate me because the person that arrived was the person I wanted to avoid and misses so much at the same time. 

"Hi L!" I greeted him enthusiastically as I could muster, which wasn't much. He glanced at me and grunted a hello before turning to their room to work for his drama. I didn't move from my seat on the couch where I watched the TV without relly comprehending anything. I was huddled under a blanket where I held my bloody arms, shaking. One light was on in the whole dorm and it just added to my inner depressed mood though I tried to shine outwardly. 

For the past week, I had been yelled at, beaten and threatened by L and my group members for numerous reasons unknown. It was like they were ganging on me, except for our leader who would stop them the moment they would start bullying me. But today was different, Sunggyu has reach his limits and had yelled at me about losing my temper and had me at the verge of tears. He looked at me with sorry eyes but before he could apologize, I walked out of the practice room and immediately dashed 'home', how ironic there -- the one place I call my home isn't even my home. The very moment I stepped into our dorm, I directly went to my only place of refuge and immediately grabbed the closest razor from the sink and cut into my skin, just watching as the thin line of blood appeared and then welled outside the wound, making a path down on my arms. I loved watching my life essence rush out of me, it made me feel exhilarated... making me so alive to know I could feel something other than the cold numb feeling growing inside me. I dropped the razor into the sink and rushed into myvroom to gather my belongings and once again packed my bag with clothes and possesions I really need before I sat down on Hoya's bed while craddling my bloody arm and shedding my tears that would not stop from flowing. This was one of the many times that I wanted to escape from this hell... the hell that is our dorm, I wanted to leave but I couldn't. The farthest I had ever gotten was the door before collapsing and crying out my grief, my pain, my love, my fear, my emptiness...my everything...and yet L never knew, they never knew. I slowly returned my clothes and possessions back to their original places, nothing out of place, and then returned to the bathroom and cut my arms again, deeper this time and closer to my veins. I had stopped cutting my chest afterban incident of the razor hitting my ribs.

I had panicked when I heard the rest of the members piling in and Hoya-hyung's steps coming closer to our room and quickly hid the razor under my pillow and gathered myself under my duvet and pretended to sleep. Hoya only grabbed his change of clothes and went outside again but not before scribbling something on the paper near his dresser. I think that they would be overtiming in the studio again for the polishing of their choreography. The moment he shut the door, I climbed down my bed, stepping on the blood that I spilled and peek outside. I was thankful that he never noticed the droplets of blood near his bed. 

The only lit room was that god-forsaken room. I have a feeling that some miracle was happening from that room. I yearned for L to notice me, to notice anything and I had long given up to converse with him, he was too wrapped up with his lover and his own schedule, his only true love, to even notice something was wrong with me...his own boyfriend. Once I was certain that no one would be entering our dorm again, I sat on the couch and pulled back the duvet that was covering my body and stared at my own blood that had rubbed into it, cursing myself for my foolishness. I throw the duvet at the laundry machine and slowly walked towards their room. Heartful laughters could be heard from the door and I gulped the sob that was bubbling in my throat. Things were already spinning around me and I knew I needed to get to the hospital. I slowly knocked at the door.

"Hyung?"

"What Sungjong?" He practically yelled. Of course, he would be pissed since I interrupted the two of them. So much for getting him to take me to the hospital.

"I-I... I'm going out for a little bit..."

"Good, I'm busy anyway and I don't need you whining over petty stuffs." He muttered, but I heard the hesistance in his voice. So he suspected something was wrong, but refused to ask about it, I don't know which was worse that he didn't notice or he was so busy with him that he didn't care to ask what was wrong with me.

"Sorry." I whispered, tears already falling and quickly tried to leave, trying my best to cover myself and avoid someone to recognize me.

Somehow I made it to the hospital and showed the ER nurse my arms. I made up some lame excuse about being angry and breaking a mirror and it cutting me, but I had already been there too many times and the ER nurse knew me. She wrapped my cut arms, pity evident in her eyes, but also anger at whoever was inflicting me the pain to resort to this. After a couple hours, I returned back to that hellhole, already morning, and settled down on the couch, too weak to return to my bed. They never even knew I was gone.